by The Onion on (#3NFD3)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-08-11 14:04 |
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3NF7C)
One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3NERV)
TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3NERW)
DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,†clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NERX)
The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3NERY)
HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…Read more...
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3ND2V)
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by The Onion on (#3N93W)
An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N8XB)
CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N8ZM)
After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N8JV)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N9AG)
We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.
by The Onion on (#3N83N)
After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N83P)
HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage†far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N83R)
YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N83S)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N6C8)
Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N676)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N6E2)
Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.
by The Onion on (#3N64T)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N5V8)
GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N64V)
As the world leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has completely dedicated his life to his faith, but what he did last night proves that the pope is willing to go well above and beyond the call of duty in service to his religion: Pope Francis stayed up all night making a Squarespace page for Catholicism.
by The Onion on (#3N5RF)
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N5NS)
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by By Walter Berkowitz on (#3N5NT)
When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height of hubris, to believe history has nothing to teach us. In our current age, one in which it can seem the world around us is being upended every day, we may be tempted to believe that what has gone on…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3N5CW)
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N5CY)
LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3N5CX)
Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N5AC)
The FDA issued a recall of 207 million eggs from Rose Acre Farms after dozens of non-lethal illnesses led to fears that they may have been contaminated with salmonella. What do you think?Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N5NV)
Wow. These stories are incredible. So powerful.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3N2CM)
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by The Onion on (#3N3D0)
Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N31W)
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by The Onion on (#3N2RK)
IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It…Read more...
Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity
by The Onion on (#3N2CN)
NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N31X)
Buckle up, Harry Potter fans, because J.K. Rowling’s latest bombshell about the series definitely isn’t doing anything for inclusivity: The bestselling author has revealed that Dementors are the wizarding world’s version of Italians.Read more...
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by By Aslam Khan, CEO of TGI Fridays on (#3N27K)
Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from fear and from want. It means access to food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. But it also means dining with friends and family in an environment where one can, on any day of the week, enjoy “that…Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N24Y)
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by The Onion on (#3N24Z)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their address, the Illinois General Assembly passed a new law Wednesday requiring sex offenders to inform residents that they will be moving in with them. “Going forward, all registered sex offenders will be…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3N29Z)
All right, Nintendo Switch fans, pause your games, because you’re definitely going to want to hear this: Nintendo has just released a chair that will launch you through your TV set if you crash in Mario Kart.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N250)
In the first such award bestowed on a work outside of jazz and classical music, the Pulitzer Prize in Music was given to Kendrick Lamar’s album DAMN., which the board called a “virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3N251)
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by The Onion on (#3N095)
AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, InfoWars host Alex Jones plead with Sandy Hook parents Tuesday to imagine the enormous pain that such an expensive lawsuit would cause him. “Please, I’m begging you—have a heart and think about the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3N010)
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by The Onion on (#3N011)
In the latest barrage between the former FBI director and the White House, James Comey told ABC News that Trump was “morally unfit†to be president while Trump countered on Twitter that Comey had “committed many crimes.†What do you think?Read more...