The Onion

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GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists suddenly halted their presentation Friday, let out a long sigh, and stated that the best thing anyone can do at this point is just try to enjoy the next couple decades as much as possible. “You know…Read more...

Travel to a foreign country and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with someone you love, or, short of that, just convince yourself that happiness comes from within.Read more...

After drawing criticism from feminists for wearing a revealing dress during the premiere of her new thriller Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence responded that the complaints were “sexist” and “ridiculous.” What do you think?Read more...

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Saying she was merely excited to support U.S. athletes, First Daughter Ivanka Trump clarified that her trip to the Winter Olympics would not be spent engaging diplomatically with North Korea. What do you think?Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—International nongovernmental organization Oxfam announced a new pledge campaign Thursday requesting help in their effort to protect impoverished girls from sexual predation at the hands of Oxfam employees. “Your donation can make a difference in the lives of girls in countries suffering from the…Read more...

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SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings…Read more...

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Essential oils have grown increasingly popular as natural remedies for common health problems, but their actual effectiveness is the subject of much debate. The Onion outlines some of the myths and facts surrounding essential oils.Read more...

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,”…Read more...

Neurologists at the University of California found that moderate drinking is linked to living longer than 90, with 2 glasses of beer or wine per day decreasing premature deaths by 18%. What do you think?Read more...

PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious swarms buzzing ominously around their hives. “For generations, we have fought to contain the violent wrath of bees, but…Read more...

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George and Amal Clooney will attend the March For Our Lives in Florida and have donated $500,000 to the cause of gun reform. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—As he entered the Pearly Gates and walked the gold-paved streets of God’s Eternal Kingdom, the late Rev. Billy Graham was reportedly so overwhelmed Wednesday by the great majesty before him that he did not at first notice he had taken a turn leading him down the main thoroughfare of heaven’s largest gay…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Concluding that his culinary efforts should “do the trick,” area man Charlie Frye was reportedly just going to assume Wednesday that what he had just done to two cloves of garlic counted as “minced.” “I think I cut it up pretty good—It seems like these pieces are small enough,” said Frye, who had been…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Carefully observing the senior citizen for signs showing his level of commitment to the job, passengers in the car of 81-year-old Uber driver Cordell Eddings reportedly prayed Wednesday that this was just a hobby for the elderly man. “Oh, God, he has to be doing this a couple hours a week just as a way to…Read more...

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Citing the numerous negative effects of acting like a total puss, the nation’s older brothers issued a joint statement Wednesday strongly recommending not being such a little bitch. “Having conducted an extensive study of your whining, all of our findings indicate that it would be in your best…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that…Read more...

The makers of Kibbles ’n Bits and Against the Grain brand dog food issued a recall after the FDA found trace elements of sodium pentobarbital—a drug commonly used to euthanize animals—in pet food. What do you think?Read more...

BELLEVUE, NE—Noting that the presence of the deceased body was sucking all the energy out of the room, several sources confirmed Wednesday that the open casket was really ruining the vibe at a local funeral. “We had a good thing going at first, but once you see the dead body in the casket, it’s a major buzzkill,” said…Read more...

In a step toward creating a more plentiful supply of human organs for transplants, Stanford University scientists bred the first sheep-human hybrids. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Having analyzed the data from extensive surveys conducted across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Tuesday that a boat currently capsizing in the Atlantic Ocean had earned a higher quality of life rating than the United States. “Based on our most recent global rankings, we’ve concluded that the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a new study published Tuesday that surveyed U.S. residents about their attitudes toward current events, the Pew Research Center found that approximately 90 percent of Americans described themselves as strongly opposed to each other. “In the questionnaire we administered, nine out of 10 participants…Read more...

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Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.Read more...

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MORTON GROVE, IL—Offering a full refund along with its sincerest apologies, Publications International, Ltd. recalled more than 90,000 copies of Brain Games Tuesday after the defective puzzle books were found to give customers Alzheimer’s disease. “While our intent has always been to provide entertainment while…Read more...

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ASHBY, NE—In what experts are decrying as an utter failure to embrace one of life’s greatest opportunities, fertile woman Ashley Wilson, 16, reportedly hesitated on the first step of the incredible journey of motherhood Monday and instead asked her boyfriend to use a condom. “You have protection, right?” said Wilson,…Read more...

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KEARNEY, NJ—Convinced that he was going “straight to hell” for chuckling at a “rule 34” meme involving Peppa Pig, local man Kevin Morgan was reportedly unaware Monday that he would, in fact, suffer eternal damnation for helping his sister get an abortion. “Oh, man, this is so wrong and I know I’ll rot in hell for…Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Marveling at the creature’s unrestrained enthusiasm, local pet owner Jessica Palmer told reporters Monday that her box turtle, Lars Von Tortoise, had been going hog wild on his terrarium’s new moss-covered stick. “Damn, he’s really going nuts on that thing,” said Palmer, adding that the turtle had not…Read more...

The Kern County Coroner’s Office revealed that they are still holding onto the body of serial killer Charles Manson due to a dispute between his son, grandson, and two memorabilia collectors with unproven claims to his remains. What do you think?Read more...

Due to factors such as coat shedding and breeding programs, male dogs have almost double the chance of winning Best in Show at the prestigious Westminster Dog Show. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur…Read more...

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In the third episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David attends Calloway Day to see exactly how middle-class America celebrates what little they have, and to see just how deep a hold W.O. Calloway has on the townspeople of Bluff Springs.Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.Read more...

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SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work…Read more...