The Onion

DELRAY BEACH, FL—Attributing the recent drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, relatives of Arnold Simmons told reporters Monday that the 74-year-old was now noticeably struggling to keep the personal failings of all his family members straight. “It’s so sad hearing this once-vibrant man call my brother Peter an…Read more...

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TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…Read more...

The Fairmont Empress Hotel has forgiven a guest 17 years after he left a suitcase filled with pepperoni sticks by an open window, thereby attracting a flock of seagulls and causing the room’s destruction. What do you think?Read more...

Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey hit U.S. theaters 50 years ago this week, changing sci-fi filmmaking forever with its stunning setpieces and psychedelic visuals. What do you think?Read more...

AUGUSTA, GA—Noting that the out-of-control individuals harassed numerous female attendees and sent the world price of eggs and pork into a free fall, PGA officials reportedly had to break up a crowd of rowdy fans who were committing commodities fraud Friday in the Augusta National’s parking lot. “We’ve received…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to destigmatize the condition of those who live with pathological self-centeredness, former basketball great Kobe Bryant held a press conference Friday to announce the launch a new foundation to help children struggling with severe narcissism. “I’ve dealt with this condition my whole life, so…Read more...

HOUSTON—Emphasizing the practice’s many health benefits, a new study released Friday by the Baylor College of Medicine found that new mothers who ate their doctor after birth were able to reabsorb many essential nutrients and minerals lost during the delivery process. “Among women who had just gone through labor,…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been…Read more...

SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Expressing excitement at the long-term benefits of her new workout routine, exercising woman Brianna Newton reported Friday that she was really beginning to feel the burn of a lifelong injury developing. “Oh, yeah—I’m definitely starting to feel some results [from my repeated misuse of the treadmill and…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…Read more...

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Federal agents arrested the designers of the Schlitterbahn water slide in Kansas City that decapitated a 10-year-old rider. What do you think?Read more...

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller told President Trump that he is a subject—but not a criminal target—in the ongoing Russia investigation, though experts say this may be a ploy to lull the president into a false sense of security. What do you think?Read more...

NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands, African American dad Aaron Mitchell pulled his son aside Thursday to have “the talk” about holding literally any object. “Listen, son, it’s time you learned how to conduct yourself in public. It may…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not constitute a deadly firearm, weapons and non-weapons experts alike reported Thursday that an array of objects including but not limited to steel pipes, wallets, and cell phones are not, in fact, guns. “After…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday that cows have gone extinct.Read more...

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NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…Read more...

FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand…Read more...

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In response to President Trump imposing tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, China implemented reciprocal tariffs on over 100 American-made goods, igniting fears of a trade war. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide of how trade wars begin, escalate, and affect economies.Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday taking time off between IUDs to allow the body to expel backlogged periods. “We advise that before inserting a new Mirena or Liletta, a woman should give her body a break to flush out the months upon…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Describing the massive, water-resistant sheet as a “major step forward” in the stadium’s rain deferral technology, the Oakland Athletics unveiled a groundbreaking new tarp renovation Thursday for the Oakland Coliseum. “This state-of-the-art tarp is going to bring the A’s ground maintenance capabilities…Read more...

Japanese broadcaster Nippon has launched a news-broadcasting android named Erica Aoi to deliver the news using an advanced artificial speech system on several daily shows, telling reporters in a press conference that she is so realistic that she “appears to have a soul.” What do you think?Read more...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two…Read more...

Reddit has rolled out its first major redesign in nearly a decade, giving its 230 million users a chance to access the website in a way designers hope is simpler and more accessible, without “altering the scaffolding” that has made it popular. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Calling on Americans to misinterpret absolutely everything the martyred activist stood for, the family of Martin Luther King Jr. urged the nation Wednesday to spend the 50th anniversary of his death twisting the civil rights icon’s words to advance their own individual agendas. “It is my sincerest hope that…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim Aghdam, law enforcement authorities released a statement today addressing fears that the YouTube shooter may inspire a wave of copycat content creators. “As guardians of public safety, we can’t help…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—After years of complaints from players and fans over the outmoded mandate, the New York Yankees announced Wednesday they would eliminate the organization’s longstanding “no pubic hair” policy. “Effective this season, we are removing most of the restrictions on members of the New York Yankees growing their…Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…Read more...

JUNEAU, AK—Saying it was clear the parents never intended to have such a large brood, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Greene family has way too many daughters for them not to have been trying for a son. “Obviously, after Jess and Katie, they started to get desperate for a boy, otherwise they wouldn’t have had…Read more...

A new study found that by cutting 25 percent of the calories in their meals, individuals were able to make their metabolism more efficient and decrease free radicals, and may thereby live longer. What do you think?Read more...

Ever since high school, my friends and I have had our own little roles to play within our group. Elise is the stylish one, Jen is the smart one, Yasmin is the party animal, and me? Well, my gal pals can always count on me for tough love, candid advice, my fiercely protective nature, and the cruel, calculated…Read more...

Revealing the sway of the media giant, Sinclair Broadcast Group made dozens of local anchors recite a promo in which they railed against “fake news” and delivered what have been seen by many as pro-Trump talking points. What do you think?Read more...

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OKLAHOMA CITY—Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything…Read more...

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CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans began to kick up their heels, researchers confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered set of distinctively patterned footprints found preserved in 13,000-year-old Canadian mud may reveal humans danced…Read more...

Standing desks are becoming more popular in workplaces where employees would otherwise sit all day, but not everyone thinks a standing desk is right for them. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a standing desk.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional exploitation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that the public is becoming more skeptical of the profit-oriented corporate data mine powered by human misery that currently dominates the online…Read more...

Hey, baby, I don’t want to ruin the mood right when things are starting to heat up, but is something wrong? It seems like maybe you’re not all that into it tonight. Don’t misunderstand me—I love to please you. That’s what I’m here for, you know that. But I guess what I’m wondering is, well, are you really just going…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Confident she could defend herself if an intruder ever broke into her home, local woman Annie Stover told reporters Tuesday that in such an event, she would instantly reach for the 6-inch chef’s knife over any other blade in her cutlery drawer. “It’s small enough to be nice and handy, and with its curved…Read more...