by The Onion on (#3VDT6)
Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-26 07:04 |
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3V9NG)
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V9BJ)
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,†said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V98C)
The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V956)
ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V90Z)
SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating …Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8WR)
INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa†John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8WS)
Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V8WT)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8R3)
Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V8R4)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8R5)
BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…Read more...
by Jewel Galbraith on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews on (#3V8R6)
Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V77N)
ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6ZF)
Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6VQ)
NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6VR)
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.†“While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6PV)
NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V6PW)
Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3V6VS)
Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6PX)
MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6PY)
NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6DM)
Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V6DN)
PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V6DP)
Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be†Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V4YJ)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4KX)
In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics†in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4KY)
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4F8)
SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,†philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4B3)
SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V464)
Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V465)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V2KW)
France triumphed over the underdog Croatian team 4-2 to earn its second World Cup title, and first since hosting the tournament in 1998. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3V2G9)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V2GA)
PALO ALTO, CA—Boasting that drivers and critics alike would be awed by the car’s pyrotechnic performance, Elon Musk announced Tuesday that every new Tesla Model 3 sold would be capable of going from zero to engulfed in flames in just 3.5 seconds. “The Model 3 is the most efficient, fastest-burning passenger car…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1ZJ)
Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V1ZK)
People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1T9)
CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V1TA)
British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU†in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3V1TB)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,†Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V08K)
Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V011)
MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZW7)
AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TZQT)
PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZQV)
HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s…Read more...
by ClickHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3V012)
During Trump’s trip to England, protesters totally owned him in the most awesome way possible. A giant balloon of Trump as a baby flew over the streets of London to demonstrate that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3TZQW)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…Read more...