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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-28 06:30 |
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on (#6DH8F)
WINDSOR, ON-After formally announcing that he was separating from his wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau after 18 years of marriage, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly showed up at the U.S. border Thursday with a duffel bag. Hey, so, things have been a little rough at home, so could I stay a few nights in...Read more...
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on (#6DH8H)
WASHINGTON-Making an emphatic appeal to the court in the wake of yet another indictment, former President Donald Trump reportedly asked Judge Tanya Chutkan on Thursday to throw out the case so as not to ruin his future swimming career. If I may make one humble request from the court, your honor, it'd be that you...Read more...
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on (#6DGY7)
LARAMIE, WY-As part of an effort to reaffirm the accuracy of existing scientific data, bloodied and bruised biologists from the University of Wyoming confirmed Thursday that kangaroos were still eight times stronger than the average human. Okay, now we can finally say once and for all that kangaroos have the strength...Read more...
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on (#6DGVB)
President Biden seems poised to make Bidenomics"-a raft of economic legislation passed during his term, as well as future proposals-the centerpiece of his reelection campaign, arguing that the U.S. economy is strong. But is it really? The Onion answers the most important questions about Bidenomics and its effects on...Read more...
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on (#6DGVD)
AUBURN HILLS, MI-Struggling to meet the expectation she alone had set for herself, local woman Lindsay Dishon's entire self-worth was now dependent on her ability to achieve an unrealistic goal by a completely arbitrary deadline, reports confirmed Thursday. Oh my God, I'm such a loser, I can't even [live up to an...Read more...
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on (#6DGV4)
Following the presidential candidate's numerous cringeworthy missteps and awkward moments on the campaign trail, The Onion asked Republicans to describe their strangest interaction with Gov. Ron DeSantis, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DGV5)
EL PASO, TX-Asking if it was possible that he had it backwards the entire time, border patrol agent Ralph Forte was reportedly starting to worry Thursday that he was the rapist stealing taxpayer money. My whole career, I thought migrants were the ones in this country committing sexual assault and taking our nation's...Read more...
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on (#6DGV6)
NEW YORK-Drawing from reserves he never even knew he had until this moment, local man Kevin Nachtman reportedly reached deep within himself Thursday to find the courage to run from all his problems. You never know how strong you are until it's time to cut your losses and get the fuck out," said Nachtman, who used...Read more...
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on (#6DFSA)
The Onion asked children how Disney had preyed on them, brainwashed them, and forced them to identify as LGBTQIA+ through the studio's woke, sexualized movies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DFS1)
NEW YORK-In what they described as an alarming new insight into the profligate life choices of Americans, researchers at Columbia University released a study Wednesday that found millions go on wastefully living for years after they pass on their genetic material. Our analysis suggests that even though they have...Read more...
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on (#6DFS2)
FAIRFAX, VA-Presenting the toddler with an oversized novelty check for $20,000, the National Rifle Association reportedly awarded a scholarship Tuesday to 18-month-old Jax Edelwright for shooting his entire family. The NRA is proud to honor little Jax here for his outstanding work in the field of gun negligence,"...Read more...
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on (#6DFDD)
A federal grand jury has indicted former President Donald Trump on a multitude of charges related to his effort to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Trump supporters what they thought of his third indictment, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DF83)
Scientists say they have revived a worm that was frozen in Siberian permafrost for 46,000 years, using water to awaken the nematode that had been lying in a dormant state known as cryptobiosis. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DF84)
Whether you're looking to optimize the feng shui of your apartment or make your large mansion feel cozy, the lighting in your home can make a huge difference. The Onion presents a guide to beautiful lighting in your home.Read more...
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on (#6DETP)
LAS VEGAS-Shedding light on average response times to an unanticipated delay, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Nevada, Las Vegas found that 96% of Americans were willing to kill anyone who makes them wait more than 10 seconds for anything. Our findings show that if punishment were no obstacle, the...Read more...
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on (#6DERD)
EAU CLAIRE, WI-Saying that she didn't appreciate always being the cruel authoritarian" in her children's eyes, local mother Daphne Stephens told reporters Tuesday that she was jealous her husband was always considered the fun alcoholic parent. It's not fair; I spend all day with the kids getting sloshed, but he gets...Read more...
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on (#6DERE)
Whether the incident was humiliating, disappointing, or just two sad people laboriously smashing their disgusting bodies together in a fit of passion, Americans never forget their first time. The Onion examines the most common first sexual experiences by state.Read more...
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on (#6DE9Y)
WASHINGTON-At a press event Monday held to address the student debt crisis, President Joe Biden made a speech during which he appeared to forget the nation's name. Instead of saying the United States,' President Biden began using words like bud' or amigo' to project familiarity, but it was obvious he couldn't...Read more...
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on (#6DEA0)
A recent Taylor Swift concert in downtown Seattle shook the ground so hard, it registered signals on a nearby seismometer roughly equivalent to a 2.3-magnitude earthquake. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DDT0)
Following the recent uptick in anti-semitic rhetoric and claims that death camps never existed, the Onion asked holocaust deniers to explain why they deny the holocaust, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DDT1)
NEW YORK-Closing his eyes and slapping himself across the face ahead of a television appearance Monday, Rudy Giuliani was overheard telling himself, Come on, Rudy, give 'em that old 9/11 razzle-dazzle," according to sources. You're going to go out there, and you're going to hit them with the ol' one-two Twin Towers...Read more...
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on (#6DDR7)
MELROSE, MA-Shedding new light on how the popular medication repairs a chemical brain imbalance, psychiatrists at Melrose Wakefield Hospital released a study Monday touting the effectiveness of SSRIs to cause enough other problems that it completely takes a patient's mind off their depression. In a double-blind study...Read more...
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on (#6DDR8)
Water temperature at a buoy in southern Florida reached a shocking 101.1 degrees Fahrenheit this week, which meteorologists say is among the hottest ocean temperatures ever recorded on Earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DDR3)
ALEXANDRIA, VA-Expressing fear that his partner of the past two years might be harboring unspoken desires, local man Tyler Hiller told reporters Monday that he was paranoid that his girlfriend, Kayla Nguyen, fantasized about sleeping with other people as often as he did. It worries me sick that she could be having...Read more...
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on (#6DC6E)
Three military veterans testified before Congress claiming that the U.S. government is concealing a longstanding program that reverse engineers alien aircraft and has recovered non-human biologics" from alleged crash sites. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DC44)
LOS ANGELES-After months of speculation over his playing future, baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani announced Friday his plans to leave the Los Angeles Angels for a team in Major League Baseball. It's been an honor playing for the Angels, and I'll be sad to leave, but like many great foreign players before me, I want to...Read more...
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on (#6DC45)
MIAMI-According to sources familiar with the case, new charges filed Thursday in the federal indictment against Donald Trump suggested that the former president instructed a Mar-a-Lago employee to tape over security footage with a rerun of Hong Kong Phooey. Despite being more than aware that doing so would obstruct...Read more...
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on (#6DBQQ)
BATTLE CREEK, MI-Vowing to never let her memory fade, local woman Victoria Caruso told reporters Friday that she would always remember her deceased grandmother as the person whose house her family had to visit sometimes. Ever since I was a kid, my grandma was someone who had a house approximately 40 minutes away from...Read more...
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on (#6DBQR)
WASHINGTON-Recognizing the need for funds to repair numerous damages after a night of drinking, Congress passed a $55 billion infrastructure bill Friday to fill the holes their angry boyfriend punched in the nation. We're enacting this legislation to patch up the thousands of miles of roads and bridges our boyfriend...Read more...
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on (#6DBQT)
DALLAS-A milestone in private deep-sea travel was reportedly reached Friday when Greyhound Lines announced the completion of a successful bus voyage to view the wreck of the Titanic. We're pleased to share that Greyhound passengers were treated to the rare sight of the wreck of the Titanic some 12,500 feet down on...Read more...
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on (#6DBNG)
NEW ORLEANS-Responding to ongoing concerns from fans as well as the New Orleans Pelicans organization about his physical conditioning in a career thus far marred by injuries, power forward Zion Williamson expressed his confidence to reporters Friday that he could be in basketball shape by his late 30s. I just need...Read more...
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on (#6DBNH)
A conservative commentator and columnist, Ben Shapiro co-founded the Daily Wire website and is host of the podcast The Ben Shapiro Show. If you know someone who is a fan of Ben Shapiro, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6DBKH)
Take a closer look at all these gems still available to the right buyer!Read more...
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on (#6DB5D)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) was involved in a multi-car accident on Tuesday in Tennessee as he traveled in a motorcade to a campaign stop for his 2024 presidential bid. He was uninjured. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DB5E)
WASHINGTON-Having determined the cause of an episode in which the minority leader froze midway through remarks to the press and then remained silent for 19 seconds, doctors confirmed Thursday that Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had suffered a stroke after imagining a happy Black person. We ran some tests and discovered...Read more...
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on (#6DB55)
WASHINGTON-Discovering the phenomenon as they all received emergency medical attention at the same time, several elderly senators reportedly found it amusing Thursday that their strokes seemed to be syncing up. I've heard of this happening, but I honestly thought it was a myth," a distant, glassy-eyed Mitch McConnell...Read more...
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on (#6DAQR)
TULSA, OK-The emotion rising in her voice as she pleaded with the device, local woman Alexis Kirk was reportedly desperately trying to unlock her iPhone Thursday using Face ID like an elderly man begging his senile wife to recognize him one last time. Please, please, please-you know me!" said Kirk, whose eyes welled...Read more...
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on (#6DAQS)
Following Florida's decision to release new standards for teaching African American history in schools, The Onion examines the biggest benefits slaves got from slavery.Read more...
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on (#6DAN5)
DEARBORN, MI-Touting the new acquisition as a major upgrade," the Henry Ford Museum of American Innovation confirmed Thursday that it had traded in its original Model T for a 2008 Subaru Outback. The Model T was invaluable in its own way of course, but in the end, it simply wasn't practical," said museum...Read more...
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on (#6D9N3)
CHICAGO-As the situation continued to unfold Wednesday, experts confirmed there was still plenty of time for someone to jump onto the train tracks to grab an unclaimed quarter. Come on, the train light is barely visible yet," said a source on the scene, peering down the tunnel and urging local bystander Ted Granger...Read more...
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on (#6D9N5)
VINCENNES, IN-Lavishing their coworker with admiration for his new look, office sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Hank Schafer was racking up the compliments after taking a shower. Receiving a Wow!" and several whistles from fellow employees, the usually unkempt Schafer was the subject of numerous flattering...Read more...
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