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on (#6FXPS)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide U.S. voters with increased transparency, a new federal law was passed Friday that requires political candidates to disclose their sexual fetishes on all campaign materials. American voters have the right to know their elected officials' perversions, whether they involve piss play,...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-26 09:45 |
on (#6FXP8)
House Republicans elected Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA) as House speaker, the party's fourth nominee for the job since Kevin McCarthy was ousted as speaker three weeks ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FXFY)
ARLINGTON, TX-When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team's upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. Sure, winning another World...Read more...
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on (#6FWXS)
WASHINGTON-Claiming the new House speaker to be one of their nearest and dearest colleagues, oil and gas lobbyists told reporters Thursday they would be happy to fill in the rest of the nation on who Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson is. Mike is just an incredibly humble guy, so the public might not be aware that he's an...Read more...
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on (#6FWXT)
WASHINGTON-Following weeks of uncertainty as a leaderless U.S. House of Representatives failed to reach a consensus, the dust finally settled Wednesday as Mike Johnson was officially named house speaker, president, pope, supreme court justice, U.N. secretary general, Dalai Lama, and conductor of the Vienna...Read more...
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on (#6FWT7)
After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.Read more...
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on (#6FWPH)
Dwayne Johnson announced on Instagram that he is reaching out to the Musee Grevin in Paris after it unveiled a botched wax figure of the A-list Hollywood star with a much lighter skin tone. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FWBV)
Americans across the country love to celebrate the spookiest day of the year by stuffing their faces with sweet treats. The Onion examines the most popular Halloween candy in every state.
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on (#6FWBW)
Carving jack-o'-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o'-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.Read more...
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on (#6FW1N)
Joe Harding, a former Florida lawmaker who sponsored the controversial Don't Say Gay" bill, has been sentenced to six months in federal prison for defrauding the government of $150,000 in pandemic aid. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FW1P)
After codefendants Jenna Ellis, Sidney Powell, and Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty in the Georgia election interference case and agreed to testify, The Onion asked Donald Trump's closest allies why they're flipping on the former president, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FVYM)
WASHINGTON-Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to...Read more...
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on (#6FVXZ)
LOS ANGELES-In a stirring message of solidarity with the message-writing format, over 350 celebrities reportedly joined together Wednesday to sign a letter declaring that they were signing a letter. We, the undersigned, declare that we are adding our names to the bottom of this letter," the message read in part,...Read more...
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on (#6FVQE)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Having obtained a vital piece of intelligence that could prove critical to the United States in its war on terror, astronomers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Wednesday the discovery of a distant exoplanet that is capable of harboring terrorists. After carefully analyzing the...Read more...
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on (#6FVDZ)
OLYMPIA, WA-Noting that it would be the perfect opportunity to practice shading, color, and light, local courtroom artist Allen Jansen told reporters Wednesday that he hoped his next defendant was a bowl of fruit. I'll be honest, the figure work is great and all, but I'd give anything for the bailiff to escort a...Read more...
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on (#6FTHB)
Following a number of controversial revelations in the book, The Onion asked fans what they thought about the Britney Spears' tell-all memoir, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FTHC)
SAG-AFTRA issued new guidance for strike-friendly" Halloween costumes, advising its members to dress up as generalized characters, such as zombies and spiders, over specific characters featured in content from companies the union is striking against. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FT1Y)
As one of the biggest victims of persecution in her own mind, author J.K. Rowling recently announced how far she would be willing to go to protect her anti-trans views, and this is what she said.Read more...
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on (#6FSQY)
KHAN YUNIS, GAZA-Having enjoyed a much-needed break from the constant coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, local Gazan Amir Najjar told reporters Monday he felt refreshed after taking the weekend to unplug from the news. Seeing all these videos of bombs killing innocent people can be stressful, so to clear...Read more...
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on (#6FSQZ)
With incels across the country growing increasingly lonely and pathetic, The Onion asked men to explain why they prefer AI girlfriends, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FSN4)
JASONVILLE, IN-Not wanting to miss out on the huge moneymaking opportunity, local Airbnb host Keith Lowery told reporters Monday he had jacked up the price on his listing in case the upcoming annual Spooktacular event at his town's library brought in tourists. There's bobbing for apples and a design-your-own paper...Read more...
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on (#6FSJY)
CHARLOTTE, SC-Alerting the public to the deal of the century," sources confirmed Monday that a number of free dead bodies buried underground were seemingly there for the taking. None of these headstones have price tags, so I'm guessing they're just giving away these corpses," said bargain hunter Lewis Scheer,...Read more...
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on (#6FSJZ)
California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) signed a bill into law that legalizes lowrider cruising, a cultural and artistic tradition of customizing cars with a lowered body developed by Latinos living in the state, ending a decades-long ban on the popular pastime. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FSK1)
KANSAS CITY, MO-In an effort to rally his teammates, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly delivered an inspiring halftime speech Sunday about what sex with Taylor Swift was like. We were all sitting there feeling weary, and Travis could tell, so he just stood up and started telling us what it's like...Read more...
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on (#6FR53)
In a controversial opinion piece penned for The New York Times, acclaimed film director Martin Scorcese argued that Marvel movies cannot be classified as cinema. The Onion asked fans of the action movie franchise what they thought of Scorcese's latest film, Killers Of The Flower Moon, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FR2P)
A Polish-Canadian man has been convicted for projecting Ann [sic] Frank invented the ballpoint pen" onto the Anne Frank House museum, the message alluding to an antisemitic conspiracy theory that the famed diary was a forgery. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FR26)
LOS ANGELES-Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. Sometimes I'll show up to a gathering with friends and...Read more...
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on (#6FQZ0)
CHICAGO-Saying she apparently believes she grew up close enough to the city to count it as her hometown, acquaintances of Lucy Paden, a woman who claims she is from Chicago, confirmed Friday the 31-year-old is actually from a magical fantasy land hidden inside an enchanted wardrobe. I guess she just figures it's...Read more...
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on (#6FQWM)
IRVINE, CA-Appearing taken aback as the man's behavior only got worse, sources confirmed Friday that local father Russell Shaffer was being rude to his wife Elisa Shaffer in front of her sisters and everything. Man, he's barely even playing it off as a joke," said the alarmed sources, who noted that the dad's...Read more...
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on (#6FQPJ)
BOSTON-Expressing his frustration with the franchise's 1-5 start, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Friday that he wishes there were somewhere he could go to relieve the tensions of the team's season. This season has gone from bad to worse, and I only wish there were some way I could get some...Read more...
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on (#6FQMY)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to provide an exclusive peek at what happens behind the scenes in the Oval Office, a White House tour group reportedly shrunk down to molecular size Friday for a journey into President Joe Biden's body. We don't usually do this, but as a little treat, let's duck into the president's...Read more...
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on (#6FQ3M)
WASHINGTON-Upon returning from his brief diplomatic trip to the Middle East, President Joe Biden urged the nation Thursday not to let dangerous online rhetoric humanize Palestinians. As the war between Israel and Hamas rages on, I urge my fellow Americans to remain vigilant, and not fall for any false propaganda that...Read more...
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on (#6FQ2Z)
BOSTON-Amid the continued popularity of clothing retailers like Shein and H&M, a new report published Thursday by the Boston University School of Public Health found that nearly 90% of fast fashion items end up wasted on people who can't pull off the look. We're finding that the vast majority of cheap, unsustainably...Read more...
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on (#6FP9C)
GAZA CITY, GAZA-Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror. Sources claim to have unequivocal proof that you, dear reader,...Read more...
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on (#6FNZF)
ATLANTA-Providing a sense of hope about the gun violence epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new study Wednesday that found there were still a bunch of kids in the United States who had not been shot yet. We reviewed the data, and yeah, it turns out there's a ton of kids who've never...Read more...
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on (#6FNPY)
Following an attack in which Hamas killed more than 1,200 Israelis and took an estimated 199 hostage, Israel has retaliated by killing thousands of Palestinians; cutting off water, fuel, and electricity; and ordering over 1.1 million citizens to evacuate from North Gaza. Amid the violence, death, and countless...Read more...
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on (#6FNPZ)
CHICAGO-Stressing that there was no reason to put themselves before the harried-looking jet, helpful passengers standing in line for the Transportation Security Administration checkpoint at O'Hare International Airport reportedly let an airplane skip ahead of them Wednesday in an effort to help it make its flight....Read more...
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on (#6FN08)
Joe Biden has strongly insisted that the U.S., the most powerful nation in the history of the world," can back two wars in Israel and Ukraine at the same time as the conflict in the Middle East continues to deepen. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FMWJ)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Forced to defend their decision to sell Black people in such a problematic location, local white couple Nate and Caroline Harper faced criticism Tuesday for choosing a former plantation as the venue for their slave auction. I know it's considered a bit controversial these days, but ever since I was a...Read more...
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on (#6FMWK)
GRAPEVINE, TX-Having not left the vehicle's grill since they met, local pet dog Duke has formed an unlikely friendship with an oncoming pickup truck, sources reported Tuesday. Aw, whoever would have thought a 5,000-pound F-150 going 90 miles per hour and an adorable little puppy would become so close?" said onlooker...Read more...
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on (#6FMQA)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to make a deal following a new indictment accusing her and her husband of conspiring to act as foreign agents, Nadine Menendez, wife of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), reportedly offered to hit anyone with her car Tuesday in exchange for having the charges dropped. If you have a journalist who's...Read more...
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