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on (#6FKZV)
On October 7, Hamas launched violent attacks on Israel, and Israel has since responded with violent attacks on the Gaza Strip, a bloody escalation of a conflict that has persisted for generations. The Onion tells you what you need to know about what's happening in Israel and Gaza.
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-26 09:45 |
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on (#6FKP4)
While claiming to be isolationists and against intervention abroad, America First" conservatives have endorsed air strikes on Gaza. The Onion asked America First" Republicans to explain why they support Israel's military, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FKP5)
BOSTON-Apologizing to his tenant for circumstances that were beyond his control, local landlord Eddie Turley was reportedly forced Monday to raise the rent due to thinking of a bigger number. You can re-sign your lease, but I have to raise it by $250 a month because I realized there was a bigger number your rent...Read more...
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on (#6FKMX)
A recent study found that a shocking 41% of fast-food restaurant soda fountains were contaminated with some of the deadliest superbug" germs known to science, including antibiotic-resistant Pseudomonas aeruginosa and Campylobacter jejuni. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6FJ64)
According to a new indictment, embattled Rep. George Santos (R-NY) stole the identities of campaign donors and used their credit cards to ring up tens of thousands of dollars in unauthorized charges. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FJ2Z)
GAZA CITY, GAZA-The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0Z)
NEW YORK-Expressing a deep sense of relief upon learning that one of the most persistent and insidious prejudices in human history was not real, local Jewish man Dan Applebaum was reportedly reassured Friday after being told antisemitism doesn't exist. Wow, this is a huge weight off my chest," Applebaum said...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0D)
SEATTLE-Grabbing the wrists and shoulders of the artist's loyal fans, security personnel working the opening weekend of Taylor Swift's new concert film were reportedly roughing up theatergoers Friday for getting too close to the screen. Miss, I'm going to need you to take a step back," said one guard hired for...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0C)
WASHINGTON-Hoping to bring all sides of the issue together, moderate politician Rep. Martin Danforth (D-OH) told reporters Friday that he believed Israel should only kill half of the Palestinians. This war is a complex issue with valid points across the ideological spectrum, which is why it's imperative that cooler...Read more...
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on (#6FHPC)
128 Grazer, a female brown bear described as boasting a combination of skill and toughness," was crowned the winner of Fat Bear Week, the annual competition to see which Alaskan bears can pack on the most pounds before hibernation season. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FHNV)
CHICAGO-Scanning the public transit vehicle for even one superficially healthy passenger, local man Will Ossers reportedly searched a crowded bus Friday for the least-wounded person to sit next to. Hmm, would I rather sit next to someone with skin lesions or with a bloody gash on their forehead?" Ossers said as he...Read more...
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on (#6FGPJ)
ITHACA, NY-In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who...Read more...
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on (#6FGPP)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to treat fans of the recently revived sitcom, Paramount+ announced Thursday it was releasing all 432 episodes of the Frasier reboot at once. For any viewers excited to see what Freddy, Lilith, and a certain incorrigible psychiatrist have been up to over the past 20 years, Paramount+ is proud...Read more...
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on (#6FGPQ)
JERSEY CITY, NJ-Honoring the sadistic royal for his success at such an early age, popular business publication Forbes announced Thursday that a bloodthirsty boy king had been included on its 30 Under 30" list. Bartholomew has shown incredible industry savvy while executing all who dare cross him, though he is still...Read more...
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on (#6FGPR)
CHICAGO-Affecting countless Americans from coast to coast, hundreds of multipronged Israel-Palestine proxy wars are currently being fought across local Facebook groups, sources confirmed Thursday. From neighborhood watch groups to dachshund-owner meetup groups, there is basically no page right now that is free from...Read more...
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on (#6FER3)
COLUMBUS, OH-Claiming they had already made up their minds, area man Karl Wooley told reporters Tuesday that he felt like the bystanders who were urging him to put his gun down were arguing in bad faith. If I'm being honest, it sort of feels like these onlookers are only thinking of themselves when they tell me to...Read more...
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on (#6FER4)
While most trolls are primarily confined to the worst corners of the internet, some, like Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), live to wreak havoc in the real world. The Onion asked trolls, shitposters, and internet provocateurs why they love the controversial congressman, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FDPB)
The Transportation Security Administration is reminding travelers not to put their pets through X-ray machines after too many" travelers have sent their small animals through the screening units. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F8Q9)
After analyzing over 1,000 attempted book bans filed in 37 states, a new study found that the majority were initiated by an extremely small and extremely vocal group of individuals. The Onion asked these individuals why they work so hard to ban books, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F7WG)
Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you see on screen, never try to copy these moves from porn.Read more...
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on (#6F58V)
Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden's younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F58W)
U.S. officials have confirmed that Travis King, the American soldier who crossed into North Korea two months ago, has been expelled from the country and is in U.S. custody. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F55P)
SAN ANTONIO, TX-Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won't shut up about North Korean candy. He goes on and on about the sugar-coated peanut candy being so much better than anything he's ever had in the...Read more...
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on (#6F55Q)
WASHINGTON-Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans currently at the top of federally funded Ferris wheels. Even a...Read more...
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on (#6F4Y7)
AUSTIN, TX-Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain's employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry without paying for it. If someone takes even one more blueberry, we'll be...Read more...
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on (#6F4T3)
Thousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike.Read more...
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on (#6F4T5)
CLEVELAND-Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand's signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper's...Read more...
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on (#6F4T6)
LACONIA, NH-Barnstorming across the nation as his presidential bid falters amid weakening poll numbers, Gov. Ron DeSantis covered himself in shit at numerous campaign stops this week in an effort to appear more relatable to the common man. Look at me! I'm an average Joe who's covered in his own filth and doesn't know...Read more...
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on (#6F4T7)
Whether it's the crisp air, changing leaves, or seasonal beverages, autumn is popular with the Caucasian ladies. The Onion asked white women to explain why they love fall, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F4T8)
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND-Inking the deal to transfer ownership of her work to the mythical creature, Bjork sold her entire music catalog Thursday to a woodland elf in exchange for an enchanted crystal toad. After careful consideration of whom to entrust with stewardship of my artistic legacy, I decided to go with the brash...Read more...
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on (#6F45S)
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) has pleaded not guilty" to sweeping federal charges that accuse him of accepting hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts in exchange for political favors. The Onion examined every bribe the Democratic senator has accepted while in office, and this is what was found.Read more...
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on (#6F3RT)
WASHINGTON-Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the United States had killed a man who kind of looked like Osama bin Laden. I am proud to stand before you and report that the U.S. Special Operations Command has carried out a mission that...Read more...
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on (#6F3RS)
TOKYO-Despite his hopes to retire permanently after the release of this year's The Boy And The Heron, beloved Studio Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki announced his return to filmmaking Wednesday, citing a big-time fuckup at his new heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning installation job. While I was eager to move...Read more...
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on (#6F3P7)
A NASA space capsule carrying the largest soil sample ever collected from the surface of an asteroid has landed in the Utah desert seven years after the mission's launch. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F3MF)
The Onion asked Florida students how the state's Don't Say Gay" bill finally cured them of their sick, perverted urges to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or queer, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F3MG)
ARGOS, NY-Offering an alternative for parents in the community who, for whatever reason, feel they cannot currently handle the burden of raising an infant, the Argos Fire Department has installed a no-questions-asked baby furnace outside its station, town sources confirmed Wednesday. We're providing this service...Read more...
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on (#6F33D)
A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.Read more...
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on (#6F2SV)
Discussing spirituality with a young person can be difficult, and that might only become more difficult if they're questioning the existence of a higher power. Here are some strategies on what to say to a child if they don't believe in God.Read more...
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on (#6F2SW)
With news spreading that Taylor Swift has formed a power couple with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, the pop star's fans are speculating on whether this relationship might be different from her past ones. The Onion asked Swift's ex-boyfriends to give Kelce advice on how to make this relationship a success.Read more...
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on (#6F2QB)
A Taylor Swift Instagram post drove record-breaking web traffic to Vote.org last week and helped the site register more than 35,000 new voters on Voter Registration Day, the largest jump since the 2020 general election year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F2QC)
TOLEDO, OH-Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie's Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he couldn't stand anymore. Poor guy has to have dinner all by himself...Read more...
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