 |
The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-27 13:15 |
 |
on (#6DAQR)
TULSA, OK-The emotion rising in her voice as she pleaded with the device, local woman Alexis Kirk was reportedly desperately trying to unlock her iPhone Thursday using Face ID like an elderly man begging his senile wife to recognize him one last time. Please, please, please-you know me!" said Kirk, whose eyes welled...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DAQS)
Following Florida's decision to release new standards for teaching African American history in schools, The Onion examines the biggest benefits slaves got from slavery.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6DAN5)
DEARBORN, MI-Touting the new acquisition as a major upgrade," the Henry Ford Museum of American Innovation confirmed Thursday that it had traded in its original Model T for a 2008 Subaru Outback. The Model T was invaluable in its own way of course, but in the end, it simply wasn't practical," said museum...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6D9N3)
CHICAGO-As the situation continued to unfold Wednesday, experts confirmed there was still plenty of time for someone to jump onto the train tracks to grab an unclaimed quarter. Come on, the train light is barely visible yet," said a source on the scene, peering down the tunnel and urging local bystander Ted Granger...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6D9N5)
VINCENNES, IN-Lavishing their coworker with admiration for his new look, office sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Hank Schafer was racking up the compliments after taking a shower. Receiving a Wow!" and several whistles from fellow employees, the usually unkempt Schafer was the subject of numerous flattering...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D9N6)
Though recent years have seen a dramatic uptick in child labor law violations, many states are rolling back protections for teenagers and permitting them to work more dangerous jobs. If you come into contact with a teenage factory worker, here are things you should never say.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D94A)
Twitter has officially rebranded to X after owner Elon Musk changed its iconic bird logo Monday, saying the change was to embody the imperfections in us all that make us unique." What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
Raving Pete Buttigieg Launches Initiative To Build Möbius Highways Where Cars Can Drive For Infinity
on (#6D8Q6)
WASHINGTON-Rambling incoherently about the benefits of travel upon a single looped surface, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg launched an initiative Wednesday to build Mobius highways that will allow cars to drive for infinity. See, all it takes is this little half-twist right here, and then you can keep going...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D8MN)
REDMOND, WA-Noting that he already seemed to have such a knack with children and babies, local man Thomas Wellington was deemed a natural father Tuesday after he did not immediately strangle his newborn. It's amazing, right off the bat, he just knew how to be a dad," said friend Layla Newton while fawning over the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D8MP)
GUILDERLAND, NY-A pathetic display of deception and self-debasement reportedly occurred Tuesday when a theatrical farce featuring teammates, parents, and coaches pretended a Little Leaguer's 12-error dribbler was a real home run. Sources confirmed that the absolute travesty of an event included a number of full-grown...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D8MQ)
An Ohio plastic surgeon's state medical license has been permanently revoked after a medical board determined she harmed patients while livestreaming their surgeries on the social media app TikTok. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D5HG)
WASHINGTON-According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Institute, the majority of voting-age Americans would prefer to cast their ballot for a tiny little president who wears a tiny little tuxedo and tap-dances atop a podium. In our nationwide survey, we found that 64% of U.S. voters would like a...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D5HK)
NEW YORK-Saying that under normal circumstances she would penalize the establishment for an insect infestation, New York City health inspector Robyn Geisinger told reporters Friday she was conflicted after seeing a cockroach in the kitchen of the Parkside Luncheonette wearing gloves. Cockroaches are an immediate fine...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D53W)
ANAHEIM, CA-Asked for his thoughts on the potential departure of impending free agent star Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Angels general manager Perry Minasian told reporters Thursday that his team was the most incompetent franchise in the history of professional sports." None of us know what the fuck we're doing," said...Read more...
|
|
on (#6D53X)
An American soldier who was facing disciplinary action bolted across the demarcation line into North Korea, effectively handing himself over to the regime run by Kim Jong-un and creating a fresh crisis for Washington in its dealings with the nuclear-armed state. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D51A)
CINCINNATI-Expanding the range of its offerings to fit modern consumer needs, period-product manufacturer Always announced Thursday it would begin selling a new off-roading maxi pad with up to 40% more shock absorption. This spring-assisted, all-terrain sanitary pad offers more shock-absorbing power than the leading...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D511)
WASHINGTON-Proudly brandishing the enormous poster board for all to see, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly presented her own tasteful boudoir pictures before Congress this week to contrast what she called Hunter Biden's un-American smut." You don't simply thrust your genitals in the direction of the...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6D4X8)
PALM BEACH, FL-Already facing two federal indictments and several major investigations relating to the 2020 election, Jan. 6 insurrection, and his finances, former President Trump's legal woes reportedly continued to mount Thursday after getting a $35 ticket for public urination. This citation for simply minding my...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D4WQ)
GODDARD, KS-Screaming at the top of their lungs as they confronted teachers, administrators, and the superintendent, a local parents group demanded Thursday that Whitman Elementary School acknowledge that they were angry and not very smart. We, the parents of Whitman Elementary, order you to publicly admit that we...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D4X9)
DUBLIN, OH-Calling it a discriminatory practice that should have been eliminated years ago, restaurant chain Wendy's announced Thursday that it would be ending its legacy preferences for customers whose families had eaten there before. In the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision regarding affirmative...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D4JF)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a long history of making problematic remarks and hawking conspiracy theories. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.Read more...
|
|
on (#6D4G0)
The Federal Aviation Administration says it will be investigating an emergency evacuation slide that fell from an airliner and landed in the backyard of a home near Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D4FJ)
Nuclear energy produces about 10% of the world's electricity, but there are many common misconceptions about its usage and consequences. The Onion debunks common myths about nuclear energy.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6D3PZ)
Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D3FQ)
OREM, UT-Following widespread reports that he awkwardly inserted his self-defense training into a conversation on an entirely different subject, area man Owen Jacobs, who is taking a martial arts class, confirmed Wednesday that he wanted to show you something. Okay, make a fist like you're going to punch me, then...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D3DD)
Located in the commercial district, 1,025 linear-ft. living space/tunnel through various offices, near the ceiling. Free heat during the winter, cold AC in the summer.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D3DE)
AUGUSTA, GA-With officers admitting they really connected with a lot of what the man was saying, an entire police department was reportedly talked up onto a ledge Friday by a persuasive jumper. At first, we just kept telling him to keep calm, take a deep breath, and not jump, but eventually he started to make some...Read more...
|
|
on (#6D3DF)
Hundreds of golden retrievers and their owners gathered in the Highlands of Scotland for a four-day festival to celebrate the dog breed's 155th anniversary. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D3DG)
CHESAPEAKE, VA-Addressing a group of volunteers, local CPR instructor Isaac Lopez reportedly demonstrated Wednesday the proper way to argue over who has to be the one to do it. The first step in any emergency situation is to start making excuses as to why someone else should be the one to administer CPR," said Lopez,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D2DE)
The Screen Actors Guild and its nearly 160,000 members are currently on strike as they fight for a contract that addresses shrinking residuals, rising inflation, and the use of AI in TV and film. The Onion asked celebrities how they felt about the actors' strike, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D2D3)
FAIRFAX, VA-What started as a tickle in someone's nose reportedly ended in bloodshed Tuesday after a loud sneeze startled a meeting of the National Rifle Association and left 138 people dead. It is with a heavy heart that we tell you more than a hundred lives were lost today when an errant sneeze caused a roomful of...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1RF)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-Faced with declining contributions as the Florida Republican competes to win his party's nomination for the White House, Gov. Ron DeSantis' presidential campaign announced Monday that financial problems had forced it to fire his wife, former television host Casey DeSantis. In order to remain...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1QV)
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL-Stressing that he was eager to learn more about his soon-to-be new home country, Argentinian soccer star Lionel Messi admitted to reporters Monday that he didn't even know where America was when he signed to play there. When I first heard about the deal, I couldn't tell you what the U.S. was, where...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1N8)
WASHINGTON-Candidates for the Republican Party's 2024 presidential nomination were reportedly racing to fulfill the participation requirements after the Republican National Committee announced Monday that it was setting the cutoff for the first debate at a minimum of 20,000 ethics violations. In order to qualify,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1N9)
LOS ANGELES-Approving the singular exception with a unanimous vote from all 160,000 members, SAG-AFTRA announced Monday that it would continue allowing Tom Cruise to act during the strike for fear of what he would do if he couldn't make movies. Hollywood has enough problems as it is without this maniac finding...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1BP)
With flooding, extreme heat waves, and hot oceans currently ravaging the earth, climate change is only projected to worsen. The Onion asked children how they felt about global warming, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6D1BE)
CHICAGO-Remarking on her unusually pale skin and tired eyes, marketing department head Larry Kilmartin asked a female employee at Claremont Industries Thursday if she'd like to go home and put on some makeup. You're looking a bit rough, Sarah, so feel free to take part of the day to go home and freshen up with some...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZV8)
LOS ANGELES-Putting down their picket signs and picking up knives, striking SAG-AFTRA members announced Friday that they would disfigure their gorgeous faces if a contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers was not reached by midnight tonight. Good luck finding your next heartthrob when...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZRE)
TUCSON, AZ-In preparation for the blazing agony on the horizon, more U.S. residents are moving to the Sun Belt to get a head start on living in a scorched hellscape, according to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Arizona. Our data shows that the marked increase in migration to the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZRF)
LOS ANGELES-Shedding new light on the failed negotiations that led to the SAG-AFTRA strike, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers released a statement Friday that claimed actors were drastically overreacting to a proposal allowing studios to start manipulating performers' limbs using mechanized cords...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZC2)
WICHITA, KS-Whispering no, no, no" as she stumbled backward with an expression of sheer horror on her face, local grandmother Martha Hayes scuttled into a corner Friday after the shadow of her enormous grandson fell over the room where she had been watching daytime television. W-w-what do you want?" stuttered Hayes,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZC3)
With over 100 million users opening accounts on the new Meta platform, Threads has become one of the fastest-adopted apps in human history. Here, Twitter users explain why they've decided to try out the new social media site.Read more...
|
|
on (#6CZBQ)
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is asking the FDA to investigate YouTube influencer Logan Paul's Prime energy drink over concerns that the drink's high levels of caffeine could be harmful to children. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZBR)
INDIANAPOLIS-After she had looked around for a few minutes with no success, local woman Jean Beech reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that she had forgotten her boyfriend in an Uber the night before and that it would probably be easier to just get a new one. If I had realized it right away, maybe I could have...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6CZ9V)
CHICAGO-Shedding light on the ultimate destination of charitably given remains, a report published Friday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the overwhelming majority of bodies donated to science are dressed up like clowns and shot out of cannons for fun. Interestingly, we discovered that...Read more...
|