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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-26 15:00 |
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on (#6GPNJ)
BOCA RATON, FL-Letting out several deep moans as she remarked upon the terrible winter storm battering the Midwest, local mom Carrie Whittacker, currently on vacation in southern Florida, reportedly took an almost pornographic pleasure Monday in missing the bad weather back home. Oh my, they're really getting...Read more...
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on (#6GPNK)
WASHINGTON-Staring down a likely expulsion from the House of Representatives, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) told reporters I am just a little girl trapped at the bottom of a well" on Monday. I was trying to get my beloved dolly Mildred back, but when I leaned over, I fell in too," the embattled congressman said from his...Read more...
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on (#6GPBQ)
Americans across the country thrive at messing things up and ending relationships. The Onion examines the most common reason for breakups in every state.Read more...
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on (#6GPBR)
NEW YORK-Saying he had finally completed his years-long struggle for acceptance in the eyes of his fellow citizens, sources reported Tuesday that first-generation Asian American Hoang Ngo, 20, had successfully assimilated into white culture by appropriating Black culture. He's always talking about how he loves...Read more...
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on (#6GPBS)
DENVER-Saying she couldn't help but feel a little let down by the man's inaction, local 31-year-old Jessica Sillman was reportedly wondering Monday why her boyfriend, Zachary Coffey, never showered her with roses while shouting Brava!" Maybe I have unrealistic expectations from watching too many operas, but a little...Read more...
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on (#6GPBT)
NEW YORK-Claiming it would be the artistic culmination of his entire filmmaking career, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese confirmed Monday that his next movie would be a feature-length mukbang of actor Leonardo DiCaprio eating a 5-gallon bucket of macaroni and cheese. My next picture will star Leo DiCaprio in a...Read more...
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on (#6GPBV)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to provide a behind-the-scenes look at how his administration operated, President Biden reportedly invited a 5-year-old on a White House tour to join him Monday in vetoing a piece of legislation. Hey, kiddo, come on into the Oval Office and let me show you how we do things around here,"...Read more...
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on (#6GMFX)
Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don't have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion's tips for eating healthy in just three bites.Read more...
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on (#6GMFY)
Amid book bans, Florida's Don't Say Gay' law, and vocal protests against drag brunches, one word keeps popping up again and again: grooming. The Onion asked right-wing parents to try to define the word they love to throw around so much, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GMDN)
SAN FRANCISCO-Citing the importance of not making judgments on the basis of a stereotype, local progressive man Jesse Hammond told reporters Friday he was careful never to assume someone was a genie just because they had floated out of a golden lamp. When you rub an ancient oil lamp and someone emerges from its spout...Read more...
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on (#6GMDP)
CHICAGO-Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while...Read more...
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on (#6GMD8)
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX-Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be left on the floor. Noah isn't mobile yet, so it's fine-you can just plop...Read more...
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on (#6GKKX)
A study published in Nature Genetics that analyzed the genomes of more than 1 million people found sequences of DNA that could be linked to a disposition to cannabis addiction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GKKJ)
DAYTON, OH-Noting that everyone else in this house was somehow able to act like a functioning member of society, a new report published Thursday found that the rest of the family was ready to do the annual turkey trot if you were done with your little pity party. Well, you can either spend all day sulking in your...Read more...
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on (#6GK72)
The Rolling Stones announced dates for a 2024 tour of their newest album Hackney Diamonds in what will be the first time the band has toured without drummer Charlie Watts since 1963. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GJQB)
Whether it's a child's drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.Read more...
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on (#6GJ79)
Javier Milei, a former economist and TV personality whom many have compared to Donald Trump both in his lack of political experience and brand of far-right politics, was elected president of Argentina this week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GHXB)
BOISE, ID-Saying he was unable to grasp a single piece of information otherwise, area man Rob Shipley told reporters Tuesday he could only learn new things if he was encouraged by the promise of receiving cartoon gems for his efforts. As much as I try, I can't seem to acquire any new knowledge unless an animated...Read more...
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on (#6GHRN)
After losing to Democrats in several key elections, several high-profile Republicans have begun calling for RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel to resign. The Onion asked conservative public figures why McDaniel should be ousted from her leadership position, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GHR8)
Renewable energy is on the rise as it becomes cheaper to produce the necessary tools and systems for transitioning the planet to a greener future. The Onion presents a glossary to common terms in the renewable energy space.Read more...
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on (#6GHRA)
AUSTIN, TX-Describing the plastic 5-gallon container as a real stunner," local father Edward Nielsen reportedly spent most of a phone call with his son Andrew on Monday praising a newly acquired bucket. It's a quality bucket, and comfortable to grip too," said the retiree, refusing to let his son get a word in as...Read more...
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on (#6GH9N)
WASHINGTON-As he hacked and coughed in front of a horrified group of family members and top administration officials, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden's lungs flew out of his mouth when he attempted to blow out his birthday candles. We sang happy birthday, cheered, and then, all of a sudden, we...Read more...
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on (#6GH95)
In a recent social media post, Snoop Dogg, whose love of marijuana has been documented in his music and business ventures since the early '90s, announced that he is quitting smoking, saying After much consideration & conversation with my family, I've decided to give up smoke. Please respect my privacy at this time."...Read more...
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on (#6GH96)
A human being's genetics influence their body, traits, and other characteristics, but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist. The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics.
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on (#6GGWW)
While it can be fun or playful to send titillating messages and photos to a partner, it's important to have some guardrails. Here's what you should never say while sexting.Read more...
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on (#6GGWX)
WASHINGTON-Deciding it was time for her to become more politically active, Vice President Kamala Harris recently logged onto ActBlue to donate $7 to the Biden reelection campaign, sources reported Monday. This is just my way of doing something to help out," said Harris, who briefly considered rounding her donation up...Read more...
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on (#6GGSV)
SALINA, KS-Expressing remorse for ruining the staff's hard work, local man Jason Reddick told reporters Monday that he always felt guilty shitting on a freshly mopped cafe floor. I feel so bad when an employee has literally just put down the wet floor' sign down, and then I show up and immediately defecate all over...Read more...
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on (#6GGSX)
SANTA ANA, CA-Emphasizing that employees should be proud of all the amazing things their hard work had accomplished, local CEO Bryan Arlington reportedly attempted to improve his company's morale Monday by sharing intimate descriptions of his summer home renovations. As many of you know, it's been a difficult quarter...Read more...
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on (#6GGSY)
MISSOULA, MT-Wincing at the sound of the man's booming voice, sources confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Jesse Slattery was loud but not even drunk. You'd think he'd had a shot or two before this, but nope, that's just his voice," said acquaintance Kevin McGill, who appeared bewildered by the man who was destroying...Read more...
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on (#6GF1G)
There is nothing more mysterious and disgusting than the tangled mess of tubes, holes, and pubic hair that makes up the female anatomy. The Onion answers the most common questions that patients are too embarrassed to ask their gynecologists.Read more...
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on (#6GEZC)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-Sharing details about a recent conversation with the former New England field general, Patriots quarterback Mac Jones revealed this week that he called Tom Brady to discuss never calling Tom Brady again. I had a great conversation with Tom about how I shouldn't contact him for any goddamn reason," said...Read more...
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on (#6GEAW)
SAN FRANCISCO-Speaking at a solo press conference after a carefully orchestrated diplomatic summit with the Chinese leader, President Joe Biden told reporters Wednesday that he still thought Xi Jinping was a dictator and a slut. Look, there's nothing that happened in this summit that changed my belief that Xi ...Read more...
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on (#6GDT4)
Forty-one states and D.C. have sued Meta for harming children's mental health and safety by allegedly designing their social media platforms to be addictive to minors, with the federal complaint stating that the company endeavored to exploit young users for profit." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GD7E)
CHICAGO-Saying the woman had watched a large group of passengers board and appeared not to care when they were forced to stand, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a rude train passenger was taking up an extra seat with her husband even though he could easily fit on her lap. Everyone knows that on a crowded train, the...Read more...
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on (#6GCZW)
ROCHESTER, MN-Saying it would be a great way for them to hang out together and bond as a couple, local girlfriend Tasha Emerson reportedly signed herself and her boyfriend Doug Purdom up for medical school this week. Oh, come on, don't roll your eyes-I think we'll really like becoming licensed medical professionals...Read more...
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