The Onion| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-05-19 07:05 |
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on (#6MWTD)
Diversity, equity and inclusion, or DEI, programs have been under attack by conservatives who think that their efforts to assist historically marginalized groups come at the expense of the majority. However, there is substantial misinformation circulating about what DEI programs are meant to do. The Onion breaks down...Read more...
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on (#6MWDT)
NEWTON, MA-Recoiling at the sight of the waterlogged creature's bloated remains, local dad Jeffrey Hanford reportedly removed his home's pool cover for the season Friday and gagged after finding a dead mermaid in there. Oh God, it must have found its way in and not been able to get back out-I wondered why it smelled...Read more...
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on (#6MVZZ)
A district in Virginia recently reversed its decision to change two schools' names, reinstating their previous Confederate names on the grounds that it had been a hastily made decision in reaction to the Black Lives Matter movement. The Onion weighs the pros and cons for any schools considering a similar rebranding.Read more...
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on (#6MVGR)
BOCA CHICA, TX-Accusing the billionaire tech mogul of dragging down property values, neighbors of Elon Musk told reporters Thursday they were fed up with his eyesore yard covered in broken-down Cybertrucks. I don't know if the guy who lives there is sick or has fallen on hard times or what, but I'm sorry-that yard...Read more...
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on (#6MTJ0)
PARIS-Calling its latest piece a must-have for anyone with a discerning eye" who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for $97,000. The Maison Cartier is pleased to introduce a high-end implanted medical...Read more...
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on (#6MTHH)
CHARLOTTE, NC-Offering its customers a way to commemorate their consumption of a healthy and fiber-rich meal, fruit and vegetable producer Dole announced Wednesday that its salad kits now included a framed certificate confirming the bearer of the document had eaten a salad. By executive order of the Salad Institute...Read more...
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on (#6MTHJ)
There's a deadline for love, and some people just miss it, you know? Shhh, it's okay. Don't cry now.Read more...
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on (#6MSXZ)
THE CASTLE OF ISIDORE-Scolding the associate magister for his inappropriate use of guild resources, the High Council at Calazar Keep reportedly reprimanded wizard Ashkahol the Geomancer for watching porn on his work orb Tuesday. We've told Ashkahol repeatedly that we're trying to maintain a professional sorcery...Read more...
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on (#6MSJP)
FORT COLLINS, CO-As part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we don't want to...Read more...
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on (#6MSJ3)
After years of serving in some of the highest positions of the U.S. government, Rudy Giuliani has had an unprecedented fall from grace, forcing him to file for bankruptcy last year. Here's an inside look at how the once-beloved mayor of New York City now spends his days.
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on (#6MS1S)
NEW YORK-Mumbling Oh, come on" as his ingot was rejected again, Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) was repeatedly trying to jam a gold bar into a vending machine at a federal courthouse in Manhattan, sources confirmed Monday. Stupid slot, why won't you take my money?" said the 70-year-old disgraced lawmaker, who kicked the...Read more...
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on (#6MRYE)
NEW YORK-During a brief recess from his ex-attorney's testimony regarding hush money payments made shortly before the 2016 election, former President Donald Trump reflexively cornered Michael Cohen and asked him for help silencing Michael Cohen, courtroom sources confirmed Monday. Listen, Michael, this guy Cohen...Read more...
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on (#6MRKG)
CLEARWATER, FL-Spitting out his medication and sticking out his tongue in apparent disgust, local man Rick Walton reportedly refused to take his boner pills Monday unless they were strawberry flavored. No, no, no, I hate the blue pills-I want pink ones instead!" the red-faced 47-year-old said as he hid behind his...Read more...
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on (#6MRKH)
A 44-foot-long endangered sei whale was found dead on the bow of a cruise ship entering New York, with authorities finding that the whale was likely healthy when it was struck dead by the ship. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MRKK)
BOSTON-Revealing they felt blindsided by the person they trusted most, the nation's weeping spouses held a press conference Tuesday to announce they don't recognize the person you've become. If you had told me all those years ago on our wedding day that this is who you would turn into, I never would have believed...Read more...
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on (#6MQ87)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms...Read more...
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on (#6MQ88)
CHICAGO-Wincing each time the loud, unnerving cackle echoed throughout the room, every patron at local bar Red Finch was heard to breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief Friday after a drunk guy with an obnoxious laugh got interested in his phone. Oh, thank God, he's finally distracted-maybe now we can have a...Read more...
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on (#6MPY0)
SAN DIEGO-Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store and buy a pink, humanoid pig-man or pig-woman at half price," said Petco...Read more...
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on (#6MPY1)
JOPLIN, MO-Though decades have passed since the incident that sealed his reputation through childhood and beyond, siblings of Dennis McKee told reporters Friday that their youngest brother's status within the family continued to be that of the one who threw scissors at their mom one time. Regardless of anything Denny...Read more...
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on (#6MPW2)
PHOENIX-Stressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her lousy lay. This is huge-I've never brought home such an uncoordinated, selfish lover before," a visibly antsy Stone said to a friend,...Read more...
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on (#6MP29)
Florida has passed a restrictive law that bans abortions after six weeks from a woman's last menstrual period, before most women know they are pregnant. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind the state's war on reproductive rights.
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on (#6MP2B)
DENVER-Finding it an adequate substitute for the alcohol she used to consume during an evening of social drinking, local woman Candice Cooper told reporters Thursday that an $18 mocktail helped her satisfy the craving she still had to waste money. It's nice to have a drink that gives me that same experience of...Read more...
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on (#6MP1P)
LOS ANGELES-Trying to blend in among a group of friends who wore homemade T-shirts expressing their enthusiasm for the program, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly played hooky Thursday as she sat in the Price Is Right studio audience and waited for taping of the game show to begin. I hope no one from work...Read more...
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on (#6MP0P)
NEW YORK-Discovering a new strategy to help him get through his hush money trial, former President Donald Trump reportedly draped his jacket over his head Wednesday so that nobody could tell he was sleeping in court. It's the perfect plan-people will assume I went under the jacket just to think a little bit more...Read more...
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on (#6MNKM)
While Democrats position themselves as supporters of the First Amendment, many believe the government's reaction to public protests looked no different under Joe Biden than it did under Donald Trump. The Onion presents an in-depth examination of how free speech has been viewed by both administrations.Read more...
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on (#6MN5Z)
NEW YORK-Earning $2,200 per appearance, former president Donald Trump has begun paying his legal bills with a new gig as a CNN contributor, sources confirmed Wednesday. We are pleased to welcome Donald Trump to CNN's talented roster of experts and insiders," CNN chairman and CEO Mark Thompson said of the former...Read more...
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on (#6MN61)
EVANSVILLE, IN-After finding several messages the father of three had sent to women online, members of the local Branson family admitted Wednesday that they couldn't even be mad at their dad after seeing his heartbreaking attempts at cheating. I know I should be upset, but it's hard to feel anything other than pity...Read more...
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on (#6MN62)
Two-bedroom townhouse only 15 minutes from downtown and, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking trying to sell this all by myself? It's too late to go get a realtor now because I know my wife will be all smug about it, after I insisted I could do this myself and save a ton of money. God. I think we'll just not move.Read more...
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on (#6MM7A)
IQUITOS, PERU-Disappointed by the limitations of the psychotropic medicine, an ayahuasca-tripping God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Tuesday how underwhelmed He was to see Himself. I don't know what I was expecting, but I sort of figured I'd see something more awe-inspiring than the face of Me," said...Read more...
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on (#6MM7B)
CHICAGO-Dismissing concerns that funds were being mismanaged, the Chicago Police Department vigorously defended its decision this week to buy an entire fleet of 1967 Ferraris. We will use these babies to keep the community safe, and we will look badass while doing so," said Chicago Police Superintendent Larry...Read more...
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on (#6MM7C)
DAYTON, OH-Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis's draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email-penned by your lifelong foe-is CC'd to your friends, your relatives, and...Read more...
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on (#6MM7D)
LOS ANGELES-Kicking down the unlocked classroom door after listlessly wandering around campus, bored riot cops reportedly broke up a calculus course at the University of California, Los Angeles, on Tuesday. Hey guys, look-there's some students in there," said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Thomas Larkins, who led...Read more...
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on (#6MKRZ)
JERUSALEM-Following its ban of the Qatar-based news outlet's operations in the country, Israel accused Al Jazeera Monday of being a mouthpiece for journalism. It is clear from its continuous, 24-hour coverage of the war in Gaza that Al Jazeera is working on behalf of journalistic principles," Prime Minister Benjamin...Read more...
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