The Onion

NEW YORK-Humiliated by the front-of-house manager's derision, local diner Geoff Telsey was reportedly forced to wear the maitre d's toupee Friday after arriving at the restaurant Chez Moreau bald. Sir, we require hair in the dining room," said the maitre d', who returned from the coat-check closet with a musty,...Read more...

ITHACA, NY-Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at Cornell University warned Wednesday that sealing a newborn for years inside a chamber made entirely of glowing screens could have potentially negative effects. Studies have produced very concerning data...Read more...

Despite being unable to complete a single school assignment, 13-year-old boys somehow have the patience to sit through a four-hour Andrew Tate video. If you catch your son watching right-wing propaganda, here is what you should say.Read more...

BANGOR, ME-Tearing away the pall of shadow and misery that had once cloaked his whole existence, an extra egg roll mistakenly thrown into a takeout order at local Chinese restaurant Panda Palace reportedly became Allen Russo's sole reason for living this week. There is hope in this bleak world after all," said...Read more...

ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN-Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. However much I want to bring the Turkmen people under the rule of my iron first, I have to prioritize taking care...Read more...

LAS VEGAS-With onlookers gasping as the former football star made a big show of being too big for the casket, O.J. Simpson was reportedly allowed to remain alive Thursday after his coffin didn't fit. If the coffin doesn't fit, you must let him live a bit." said O.J. eulogizer Tommie Lochran, who advocated for Simpson...Read more...

WEATOGUE, CT-Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation's moms called a press conference Wednesday to announce aloud to no one in particular that salads can be very filling. Maybe order one and see if you're still hungry after that-you can always order more," said...Read more...

NAPLES, FL-Claiming they had to do what was best for themselves and their families, a group of local residents confirmed Thursday they had established a more exclusive gated community within the already-gated Crestwood Estates development. To protect our property values from the undesirable element now moving into...Read more...

NEW YORK-Earning widespread acclaim from romance readers, a dildo embossed with the text He's a famous hockey player" had shot to the top of The New York Times' paperback trade fiction bestsellers list this week. Once you start, it's impossible to put it down," said 27-year-old Sofia Rasing, who described the...Read more...

While pleasuring oneself can be fun, sometimes it can be beneficial to remove your hand from your pants and give your overworked genitals a break. Here are all the hidden health benefits of refusing to masturbate.Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD-Urging all 340 million Americans to avoid filling up in order to better enjoy the evening's meal, the Food and Drug Administration issued a warning Thursday that if the U.S. populace ate now, it wouldn't be hungry for supper. Our findings suggest that if you have a snack right now, you'll just...Read more...

CHICAGO-As a capstone to a record-breaking day for the internationally recognized brand's views and advertising revenue, The Onion released a statement Wednesday confirming that it had used all of the funds raised from its annual Click Drive to purchase a Yamaha WaveRunner VX series. Following a massive haul that...Read more...

EVERYWHERE-Wondering when the unending barrage of content from The Onion's Click Drive might finally give way, the nation was informed by insiders at the media outlet Wednesday that they would not stop pestering people until they gave in and engaged with the fucking thing. Rest assured, the Click Drive will continue...Read more...

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ATLANTA-Saying that when it came to manual strength and dexterity the only options were to use it or lose it," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a new set of health guidelines Wednesday that recommended a minimum of six hours of daily clicking for healthy fingers. To ensure that your fingers...Read more...

Welcome To The Onion's Click Drive. Thanks to the generous clicks of readers like yourself, we're able to keep invaluable journalistic projects going:Read more...

Back when it was a great, respected, and profitable business, journalism employed thousands of reporters who worked tirelessly to cover interesting and important stories from around the globe. But now, after years of neglect, an overreliance on programmatic advertising, and predation by private equity firms, the...Read more...

THE KINGDOM OF KARAVAR-Indicating that strong performances in such feats of strength and agility were highly predictive of future triumphs, alchemists and enchanters on the King's High Counsel released a study Tuesday linking high scores on the Tests of Fortitude to becoming leader of the Seven Realms later in life....Read more...

These short phrases were crafted to perfectly encapsulate each state's repulsive residents and atrocious history. The Onion examines the official motto of every state.Read more...

PLANTATION, FL-Despite being a grown-ass adult in the year 2024, local resident Stu Jeffries told reporters Tuesday that he still thinks of a computer virus as a cartoon worm that bites through your screen. I still imagine getting a computer virus by opening a program and clicking on some kind of neon egg, at which...Read more...

WASHINGTON-In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. A sexual predator's right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon," said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through...Read more...

OCEANSIDE, CA-Extending his arm as an invitation to serve as her escort, local gentleman Peter Groff reportedly offered to walk his date to her final resting place Tuesday after a lovely dinner together. Don't be silly-it's no trouble at all for me to make sure you get to your shallow, makeshift grave in one piece,"...Read more...

THE HEAVENS-In a statement addressed to individuals at risk of having their access to life on earth permanently revoked, God, the Almighty Creator, confirmed Monday that He would soon delete millions of humans due to inactivity. To my dear creations, per My all-seeing eye, you have not been an active participant in...Read more...

SANTA CLARA, CA-Agreeing it would be a lot more comfortable for everyone if the elderly man's actions were rationalized that way, sources confirmed Monday that yeah, sure, 93-year-old Raymond Woods was hitting on his granddaughter due to dementia. Oops, it looks like Pop-Pop is confused," said Grace Mausner, who made...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Marking a sudden inflection point amid flagging approval ratings, President Joe Biden surged in the polls Monday after convincing terrified voters he was causing the total solar eclipse. I am sure you will make the wise choice to join me, the immense and all-powerful Mover of the Sun and Moon, in my...Read more...

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After the Iowa star became the all-time Division 1 scoring leader with 3,900 points this year, The Onion interviewed men who explained why they could outscore Caitlin Clark.Read more...

MIERES, SPAIN-Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef's connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder Jose Andres' boyhood home Thursday. Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to...Read more...

CLAYTON, CA-As he strode down the sidewalk and glanced at the numbers on his Fitbit, sources confirmed Thursday that local father Trevor Doherty was entirely unaware he had been pushing an empty stroller for the past eight blocks. Look, sweetheart, it's a doggy-an Australian shepherd doggy!" said the visibly beaming ...Read more...

Former President Donald Trump famously said that he would be a dictator" on day one if he's reelected this November. Here is everything that Trump plans to do on his first day in office.Read more...

CHICAGO-Contemplating what he presumed was one of the most sought-after meals in all the city, local man Ron Steward told reporters Wednesday that a pizza slice at John's Pizza & More had to be really delicious to be served from behind bulletproof glass.Whoa, that's got to be one incredibly tasty pizza slice if they...Read more...

GLOUCESTER, MA-Struggling to articulate through streams of tears, sobbing conservationists from the National Marine Fisheries Service announced Wednesday that endangered Atlantic halibut were on their own now after the two species had a huge falling out. We're really done this time-those demersal assholes are on...Read more...

SAN DIEGO-In an ill-advised effort to reduce the costs of blow, the nation's lapsed college friends announced plans Tuesday to mistakenly text you about splitting an eighth of an ounce of cocaine. Although we haven't spoken in 11 years, please be advised that at some point in the near future we will be accidentally...Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH-Speaking before a crowd of loyal supporters, former President Donald Trump warned Tuesday that electric vehicles were raping and murdering American citizens. You go to one of these charging ports, and they'll just have their way with you," said Trump, who accused the mainstream media of covering up...Read more...

ATLANTA-The faces of top executives falling as they gauged the public's apathy, sources reported the Coca-Cola Company was incredibly hurt Tuesday that the nation was not going to try the new soda flavor they worked so hard on. Seriously, you're not even going to taste it?" said CEO James Quincey, who stood in front...Read more...

HUDSON, NY-Saying that the woman was getting to the age where she could no longer afford to be so picky, local matchmaker Cassidy Williamson asked one of her clients Monday if she'd be open to dating outside her species. So, you have a lot of great things going for you, but just by chance, would you be at all...Read more...

SHELTON, CT-Saying it had severed all ties with the sandwich in the wake of disturbing new evidence from a federal investigation, the fast food franchise Subway confirmed Monday that its Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt was also sexually attracted to children and facing prison time for its abuse of minors. Sadly, it...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Recoiling in horror as the shirtless 26-year-old man stood hunched over the kitchen counter, all 340 million Americans shuddered Monday at the wet sounds of a local roommate eating eggs. Oh my God, how can one man eat so many eggs, and do it so loudly?" said resident Jeff Stentson, adding that he and the...Read more...

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MILWAUKEE-Noting that he needed to stop ignoring the messages his body was sending him, local man Rob Mandeville told reporters Monday that losing all of his hair and becoming impotent were clear signs that he should stay in and play more video games. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a more obvious signal than hair...Read more...