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on (#6M8DG)
AURORA, IL-Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child's snack packs in one sitting Monday. Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I'm still hungry," said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-06 07:49 |
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on (#6M8DH)
SALISBURY, NC-Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you're giving me right now, especially when you're the one...Read more...
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on (#6M8CQ)
I mean, let's be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don't even know where Powell is.Read more...
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on (#6M8BB)
DENVER-Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation's therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. I'm sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our...Read more...
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on (#6M8BC)
REDWOOD CITY, CA-As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. Well, I guess that's egg on...Read more...
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on (#6M71N)
In a stark rejection of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a coalition of Kennedy family members publicly endorsed Joe Biden's campaign for reelection, with Kerry Kennedy saying that nearly every single grandchild of Joe and Rose Kennedy supports Joe Biden." What do you think?Read more...
on (#6M6QE)
An elephant named Viola escaped from the Jordan World Circus in Butte, MO after being spooked by a car while getting a bath and bolting, making it several blocks downtown before being corralled and returned. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M6QG)
ROME-Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. Look, I feel for...Read more...
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on (#6M6QH)
WASHINGTON-Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency's spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it'd just be a...Read more...
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on (#6M652)
WASHINGTON-With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president's flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. Oh, man, the poor little guy must've fallen in...Read more...
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on (#6M653)
LOS ANGELES-Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring...Read more...
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on (#6M654)
LOS ANGELES-Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift's The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist's sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her...Read more...
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on (#6M61C)
Iowa women's basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women's National Basketball Association.Read more...
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on (#6M61D)
CHAMPAIGN, IL-As she struggled to pull open the cafe door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone's attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. Oh Lord, I wonder...Read more...
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on (#6M5RD)
RACINE, WI-Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. With Glade's new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to...Read more...
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on (#6M5RE)
RESTON, VA-Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still the fastest way to commute to eccentric inventor jobs. Even in areas with access...Read more...
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on (#6M5NY)
A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M5NZ)
Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M567)
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M52R)
WASHINGTON-Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamond ever found. The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England...Read more...
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on (#6M52S)
WASHINGTON-Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn't see any of that. Look, I don't know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but...Read more...
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on (#6M52T)
NEW YORK-In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas throughout the five boroughs. It's as easy as swiping your card and taking a drag," said...Read more...
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on (#6M4W9)
Take our test to see if you're enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump's criminal trial in New York.Read more...
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on (#6M4VN)
DUBLIN, CA-Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread out of her daughter's hands from 800 meters away. Everyone be very careful-no...Read more...
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on (#6M4R1)
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced the layoffs of 10% of the company's workforce, stating that the cuts would allow the foundering corporation to be lean, innovative and hungry for the next growth phase cycle." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M4R2)
Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M4AM)
Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, marking the first time a former American president has faced a criminal trial. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M3W1)
NEW YORK-Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time highs after the Antichrist announced a new era of pestilence and never-ending woe,"...Read more...
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on (#6M3W2)
ALPHARETTA, GA-Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man Tim Bagwell told reporters Tuesday that he couldn't remember why he slathered his nude body in pork fat and lit himself on fire. I cannot for the life of me recall why I stripped off...Read more...
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on (#6M3VD)
LEBANON, IN-Noting that the sandwich-making technique was simple but might take a few tries to master, local Subway manager Keith Unger showed a new hire Tuesday how to properly soak bread in mop water. So first things first: You're going to want to take your stale, hardened roll and then dunk it over and over in the...Read more...
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on (#6M3SV)
CLEVELAND-In a sign of solidarity to a nearby child-burdened party attempting to eat breakfast in peace at a local IHOP, 43-year-old father Greg Markie reportedly gave a knowing nod Tuesday to another family also dealing with a whiny little shit. Uh-huh, you too, huh?" the dead-eyed father reportedly mouthed,...Read more...
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on (#6M3DP)
INDIO, CA-In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at Coachella Saturday night. He picked her up and hurled her like it was nothing," said 25-year-old Brooke Renny, just one of dozens of festivalgoers who...Read more...
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on (#6M3D7)
LOS ANGELES-As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise's lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson told reporters Monday that he had been wondering whether buying a tuxedo would be more economical in the long run than renting one for each James Bond film. I know it's a big splurge, but if I'm...Read more...
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on (#6M3B3)
NEW YORK-Noting that the former president's high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with the case, sources confirmed Monday that Eric Trump was the only potential juror uninformed enough to serve at his father's trial. While the majority of other individuals in the pool were immediately...Read more...
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on (#6M30W)
Following the release of the trailer for Joker: Folie a Deux, The Onion reveals everything we know about the sequel to the popular 2019 film.Read more...
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on (#6M2Z2)
WASHINGTON-Calling an emergency session around 12:39 a.m., Congress quickly approved a bill for a national night-light Monday after waking up from a scary dream. While we're definitely not afraid of the dark, keeping a light on somewhere in the United States will be a source of comfort and make it easier to fall...Read more...
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on (#6M2Z5)
Three men who were stranded on an uninhabited island for over a week were rescued after spelling out help" on the beach using palm leaves, helping the U.S. Coast Guard to spot them. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M2WS)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Holding their fingers up under their noses, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that their fingers smelled like orange after evaluating some oranges earlier. Smell them," said FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf, who held his hands outstretched so that reporters could confirm the...Read more...
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on (#6M1KQ)
The advocacy group Consumer Reports found that Lunchables contain potentially dangerous levels of lead, cadmium, and phthalates, as well as nearly half a child's recommended daily intake of sodium, and has advised the USDA to remove the product from the list of foods available through the National School Lunch...Read more...
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on (#6M1KR)
NAPLES, ITALY-In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region prior to a devastating natural disaster, University of Cambridge archaeologists confirmed Friday that their excavation of ancient Pompeii had unearthed a fully intact Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli" tea...Read more...
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on (#6M1KS)
While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has instead stated that the issue should be left up to the states. The Onion explores the pros and cons of allowing each individual state to enact their own abortion laws.Read more...
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on (#6M1EY)
Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name ChiefsAholic", was sentenced to pay a bank teller $10.8 million in damages after an armed robbery of an Oklahoma credit union. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6M19Z)
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War-era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of everything we know about Arizona's 1864 abortion law.Read more...
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