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on (#6BEZJ)
WASHINGTON—Frustrations were reportedly mounting among his fellow justices Thursday when Supreme Court oral arguments were once again interrupted by Clarence Thomas receiving a live cheetah as a gift from a donor. “It is the court’s belief that the defendant—oh, come on, Clarence, really? That’s the third one this…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 03:00 |
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on (#6BETM)
Mounting shortages of medications like the ADHD treatment Adderall and the diabetes and weight-loss drug Ozempic have caused anxiety among patients who rely on them, with experts attributing the scarcity to multiple factors. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the ongoing shortages of these…Read more...
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on (#6BEK5)
The coronavirus that spread across the United States and became a pandemic in March 2020 will go down as one of the most difficult times in our nation’s history. Nearly every American experienced significant disruptions to their daily lives, with financial issues and physical isolation often leaving permanent scars.…Read more...
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on (#6BEC4)
LA GRANGE, IL—Insisting that the entire piece of fruit was far too decadent for someone like her, local grandmother Frances Hardy reportedly asked her family Thursday if anyone wanted to split a single strawberry. “Does anyone want half of this—it’s way too big,” the 87-year-old said of the 0.5-ounce berry before…Read more...
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on (#6BEC6)
PORT HURON, MI—Seizing the curative pharmaceuticals at a border checkpoint, federal officials confirmed Thursday that they had intercepted 500 kilograms of lifesaving medication at the U.S. border. “Thanks to the brave work of our agents on the ground, we have confiscated millions of doses of these essential…Read more...
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on (#6BEBK)
FRANKENMUTH, MI—Clarifying that you could never be too careful in this crazy, unpredictable world, local man Patrick Garland told reporters Thursday he always made sure the last thing he said to his parents was “I fucking hate you” just in case they died. “You never know what’s going to happen, so I always tell them…Read more...
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on (#6BEAF)
After years of hard work waiting for his mother to die, King Charles III is finally to be crowned the King of England. The Onion asked Brits how they are celebrating, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BD6B)
CLAYTON, AL—In an effort to apologize for the unfortunate mix-up, Ventress Correctional Facility officials gave a wrongfully imprisoned inmate a voucher Wednesday for a cell upgrade on his next incarceration. “On behalf of the whole prison, we are truly sorry for the last 25 years and would like to make it up to you…Read more...
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on (#6BCHX)
SUNRISE, FL—Admitting that even the most incredible trips had to come to an end, local Aerosmith fan Tara Andrade, 67, told reporters Tuesday that she was sad this would be the last time she’d be giving Steven Tyler head after a concert. “It’s been a long, crazy adventure, and it’s tough to let go, but it’s awesome…Read more...
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on (#6BCHW)
A new study shows that climate change is causing more instability in jet streams and making wind speeds faster, with turbulence predicted to triple in frequency between 2050 and 2080. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BCHH)
SHREVEPORT, LA—Writing his 10th consecutive post on a Telegram channel dedicated to the men’s rights movement, local resident Gabe Gearhardt, who googled “how to kiss” two years ago, is currently in the midst of a full-blown misogynist tirade, sources stated Tuesday. According to reports, in 2021, Gearhardt earnestly…Read more...
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Tearful Surgeon General Appears At Empty Chuck E. Cheese Table To Warn Nation Of Loneliness Epidemic
on (#6BCHJ)
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Declaring that Americans have become more disconnected than ever before, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy tearfully warned of a national loneliness epidemic from an empty D.C.-area Chuck E. Cheese table, sources confirmed Tuesday. “At any given moment, almost 50% of all Americans are experiencing…Read more...
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on (#6BCF8)
LOS ANGELES—Taking short breaks from standing imposingly behind a Writers Guild of America picket line, Scabby the Rat kept quietly trying to give striking Hollywood writers a copy of his screenplay, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Uh, this is super embarrassing, and I really hate to do this, but if you’ve got a few…Read more...
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on (#6BC0C)
BOSTON—Making himself a little too at home in his host’s mind, annoying houseguest Mike Rubager wouldn’t stop frolicking through local man Nathan Reed’s imagination, sources reported Friday. “I’m happy to let him stay with me, obviously, but the amount of time he spends traipsing around completely naked in my head is…Read more...
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on (#6BBZ3)
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Offering no further data or reason for the information’s release, an ominous new report published Tuesday by anonymous researchers from an unknown institution just lists places to hide. “Underground tunnels, remote cabins in the woods unreachable by vehicles, and caves in desolate mountain regions…Read more...
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on (#6BBYQ)
A man in China has been sentenced to prison after a court found him guilty of scaring to death 1,100 chickens that belonged to a neighbor with whom he was feuding. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BB8C)
OGDEN, UT—Admitting the capital offender had obviously put a lot of work into the clues, Ogden police officials told reporters Monday they felt bad after easily solving a serial killer’s series of riddles. “I hate to say it, because this guy obviously spent a lot of time writing all these cryptic notes he thought…Read more...
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on (#6BB8E)
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Noting that the upcoming film would have a high bar to clear, local woman Reese Gillespie told reporters Monday she hoped Barbie would live up to her girlhood body dysmorphia. “I can’t wait for the Barbie movie to finally come out—growing up, those dolls were always my favorite source of negative body…Read more...
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on (#6BAW4)
Even in Texas, residents must pass a written test in order to carry a handgun. Could you pass it?Read more...
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on (#6B890)
WASHINGTON—Writing that it was incredibly hard to choose from all the beautiful work that had brought him so much pleasure, former President Barack Obama took to social media Thursday to release his summer list of favorite things to masturbate to. “I’ve read, watched, and listened to a lot of amazing things this year…Read more...
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on (#6B87H)
After months of repeated attacks from Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida, The Onion asked Disney World employees how they felt about it, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B7VE)
KANSAS CITY, MO—After being selected by the Carolina Panthers with the first pick of the 2023 NFL Draft, University of Alabama quarterback Bryce Young reportedly called his friends and family Thursday to let them know that he’s completely fucked. “Hey, Grandma, I just wanted to call to share with you that my career is…Read more...
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on (#6B6GP)
President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to “finish the job” he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering democracy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B4K3)
WASHINGTON—Receiving an outpouring of affection from their parents while appearing to remain unaware of how much worry they had caused, the nation’s missing children were thankfully all found Tuesday at their friend’s house, reports have confirmed. “Luckily, it turns out all 90,000 children reported missing simply…Read more...
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on (#6B3YS)
A Russian warplane accidentally fired a weapon into the city of Belgorod near Ukraine, damaging apartment buildings and cars as well as creating a crater on one of the main streets measuring 65 feet across. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B3YT)
Fox News announced it was parting ways with popular prime-time host Tucker Carlson. The Onion asked Fox News viewers what they thought about Tucker Carlson’s abrupt exit from the network ,and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6B3DN)
CHARLESTON, SC—Making what onlookers described as an embarrassing scene, local dog Cooper and his owner, Michelle Arkin, were having a public fight in the middle of a farmers market, sources reported Monday. “Cooper! Cooper, you will behave yourself while I am shopping, do you understand?” said Arkin, raising her…Read more...
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on (#6B3C5)
WASHINGTON—Noting that the most opulent were under constant pressure to make cons meet, a survey by the Pew Research Center released Monday revealed that nearly six in 10 wealthy Americans are living fraud to fraud. “Burdened by the escalating need to line their pockets, affluent Americans are increasingly forced to…Read more...
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on (#6B3BE)
A 13-year-old boy had to be freed from a claw machine at an amusement park after he climbed inside hoping to steal one of the prizes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B3BF)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Taking umbrage with the recent youth trend, local 45-year-old Craig Skudder told reporters Monday that he was not a fan of what teen girls were doing to their eyebrows. “Not for me—sorry, ladies,” said the twice-divorced U.S. Army veteran, who condemned the look that had taken over his TikTok feed of…Read more...
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on (#6B3AF)
PITTSBURGH—Stressing that the weapon could very well save her life one day, local man Vincent Greer reportedly bought his wife Nicole Greer a gun Thursday in case she ever needed to protect herself from him. “Call me paranoid, but I just don’t trust myself,” said Vincent Greer, who noted that while he prayed Nicole…Read more...
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on (#6B1M9)
WASHINGTON—Addressing members of the press corps with breathy coos and flirty air-kisses, a coy President Joe Biden reportedly appeared nude behind a folding fan Friday, presumably to tease a 2024 reelection campaign. “Run for president? Moi?” the leader of the free world asked with a shimmy and a wink, peeking over…Read more...
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on (#6B1GN)
LA CROSSE, WI—Describing the region’s weather as “totally unpredictable” and “complete chaos,” local Midwesterner Vanessa Daro told reporters this week that she could not believe it was snowing when it was 80 degrees just 10 months ago. “Right when you think the weather is finally warming up, wham—months pass, and…Read more...
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on (#6B1CF)
CULVER CITY, CA—Interrupting the entrepreneur just as he started to outline his concept, Shark Tank judge Mark Cuban rejected a pitch Friday to make the Dallas Mavericks good. “I just don’t see it,” said the billionaire sports owner, telling the young contestant who pitched the TV program’s “sharks” on a detailed…Read more...
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on (#6B19Q)
ROCKFORD, IL—As she walked through a traveling fair in town for the weekend and observed the ramshackle condition of the entire operation, local teen Ryley Graham pointed out Friday that one of the carnival workers was practically being held together with duct tape. “It looks like that guy is only standing because of…Read more...
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