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on (#6A2EP)
Stormy Daniels: “Fair enough. The last thing I would want to do is make Trump mad at me.”Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 04:45 |
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on (#6A2C7)
Police often rely on a number of deceptive tactics to obtain incriminating evidence or an unintended confession. The Onion offers this guide to the trick questions cops ask and to the responses one must provide to avoid going to jail.Read more...
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on (#6A27Z)
A recent study suggests “dad jokes” actually have a positive effect on development, with researchers saying that when fathers embarrass their children with unfunny jokes, it teaches them how to overcome awkwardness. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A26A)
CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that the previous owner of the book was white. “It’s amazing how many of the…Read more...
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on (#6A0EQ)
According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog breed in the U.S. in 2022, unseating labradors from the top spot for the first time in 31 years. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69ZTX)
STOCKTON, CA—Demonstrating a direct correlation between the two phenomena, local man Campbell Rymski’s reported use of the word ‘babe’ increased exponentially Monday as his girlfriend closed in on the truth. “Babe, please. Babe, it’s not what it looks like,” said Rymski, his use of the term escalating dramatically as…Read more...
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on (#69ZTZ)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP recipients with the ability to purchase rutabagas and rutabagas…Read more...
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on (#69ZV0)
Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#69ZQQ)
The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state’s right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out of membership and paying dues in a victory for organized labor. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69XXQ)
LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,”…Read more...
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on (#69XJW)
WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please can we keep it, please?” begged EPA administrator Michael S. Regan of…Read more...
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on (#69XGK)
MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local man lost the incantation needed to open an ancient enchanted stone chamber. “It took him 45 minutes to get here, which is fine, but now he wants to charge me $200 just to blast through the…Read more...
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on (#69XD6)
UTICA, NY—Developing a passionate interest in the university that would last precisely a fortnight, an area teen watching March Madness Friday reportedly entered a two-week phase where his dream school is Creighton. “Creighton is absolutely the best fit for me and what I want to get out of college,” local high school…Read more...
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on (#69X7S)
BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anasazi burial site, a team of archaeologists from the University of Utah reportedly uncovered a living guy by mistake Friday. “Um, excuse me, someone’s down here,” said the newly unearthed…Read more...
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on (#69WPC)
NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series…Read more...
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Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned
on (#69WP2)
LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began frantically gathering as much validation as possible Thursday in case the platform was banned. “Please, Tiktok is my main source of esteem, and if it goes away, I don’t know what I’m going…Read more...
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on (#69WM3)
NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and his Nazi generals not been so obsessed with the ideals of diversity,…Read more...
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on (#69WKP)
BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop your calls and deliver some of worst customer service in the country, but we…Read more...
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on (#69WEB)
Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the bank’s collapse and the government’s actions in its…Read more...
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on (#69VYE)
DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over there? Come on, hustle!” said the decorated former NCAA coach, who…Read more...
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on (#69VYG)
A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69VEN)
The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69V2R)
GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It took me a while to find this page, so I…Read more...
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on (#69V2T)
GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic…Read more...
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on (#69TN8)
A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its boneless wings, which are basically nuggets and not made from the actual wing of a chicken. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69T0V)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to…Read more...
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on (#69SYT)
PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees.” “How could it even know I just said that? It’s got to be using my…Read more...
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on (#69SHH)
CLEVELAND—Saying they were considering trading up on draft day in order to select the Georgia Bulldogs defensive tackle, Cleveland Browns officials told reporters Tuesday they were impressed with Jalen Carter’s reckless disregard for life. “Jalen has shown that even at a young age, he doesn’t have respect for the…Read more...
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on (#69SHJ)
ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so I don’t make a bad first impression, I really ought to…Read more...
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on (#69SCJ)
The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the city for police to train. The Onion asked several Atlanta police officers why they support ‘Cop City,’ and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#69RRQ)
ARLINGTON, VA—As part of an ongoing effort to crack down on unlicensed, counterfeit imitations of its tactical aircraft, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had discovered bootleg F-22 fighter jets for sale from hundreds of AliExpress vendors. “We are aware of cheap F-22 Raptor knockoffs being sold through this…Read more...
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on (#69R9G)
MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I know he’s gone and he’s not going to pick up, but to hear him say, ‘Hey, it’s…Read more...
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on (#69R9H)
NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of these nutrients, I don’t even chew them,” said the concerned fetus, noting…Read more...
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on (#69R50)
Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69R51)
Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.Read more...
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