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on (#6B0ZR)
RICHTON, MS—After being reminded of the district’s zero-tolerance policy, chaperones for the Richton High School prom were reportedly instructed Friday to turn away any students who showed up to the dance with pussy on their breath. “Be on the lookout for kids who seem sweaty or flushed, and if you catch even a whiff…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 03:00 |
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on (#6B0ZS)
BRISTOL, CT—Remarking how he looked exactly like her late husband when they were in high school, local mother Janet Greene told her son Friday that his dad would be “so proud of him” as she adjusted his condom before prom. “Son, I know it’s hard, but your dad is watching over you right now and is looking down on you…Read more...
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on (#6B0EY)
Netflix announced it will be ending its DVD-by-mail rental service that set the stage for its trailblazing video streaming service, ending an era that began 25 years ago when delivering discs through the mail was considered a revolutionary concept. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6B0BC)
CHATTANOOGA, TN—Expressing disappointment over the amount of griping the role required, local rookie cop Mark Valerio was reportedly surprised Thursday to discover how much of his job was just whining. “I assumed when I took the position that it would be more car chases and shootouts, but in reality, my day really…Read more...
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on (#6B0AY)
Today is 4/20, the unofficial marijuana holiday when pot lovers around the world attend rallies, public smoke sessions, festivals, and other marijuana-related events as well as just smoke with friends. How are you celebrating?Read more...
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on (#6B0AZ)
FLOYD, VA—Unlatching the tailgate and shooing the senior California senator out of the truck bed, President Joe Biden reportedly sped away in his pickup Thursday after dropping Dianne Feinstein off in an empty field. “You stay right there, girl—Joey’s coming back for you, I swear,” said Biden, who put his hands on the…Read more...
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on (#6AZT2)
CHICAGO—Calling the terms of the agreement unfair and excessive, local woman Beth Lebold told reporters Thursday that her strict apartment lease only allowed her to have roommates under 95 pounds. “According to my landlord, I can’t have any roommates bigger than that, no matter how clean or well-behaved they are,”…Read more...
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on (#6AZSN)
With the state banning abortions at all stages of pregnancy, The Onion asked several obstetricians and gynecologists what it is like working in Texas, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AZR4)
SAN FRANCISCO—In a highly anticipated rollout of what has long been the feature most requested by the platform’s users, ridesharing company Uber released an update Thursday that allows riders to pretend to fall asleep so their driver will pick them up and bring them inside. “We’re thrilled to offer our loyal customers…Read more...
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on (#6AZPT)
MINNEAPOLIS—Telling the legions of supporters that he couldn’t have done it without them, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf reportedly thanked fans Thursday for their countless years of supporting the team through tax breaks. “While the Vikings have had their ups and downs just like any football team, your state and…Read more...
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on (#6AZ6C)
Fox News has agreed to settle a defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems for $787.5 million, averting a trial in a case that exposed how the top-rated network chased viewers by promoting lies about the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AZ63)
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema recently left the Democratic Party to become an independent, further jeopardizing the Democrats’ razor-thin majority and joining other politicians who have switched parties or joined third parties, whether for a candidacy or after they were elected. The Onion looks at a history of U.S. politicians…Read more...
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on (#6AYG4)
With officials making a concerted effort to combat the growing rat population in their filthy, disgusting city, The Onion asked New Yorkers to share their worst experiences with the grimy rodents, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AYG3)
David’s Bridal, the nation’s largest wedding dress retailer, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, citing the uncertain economic conditions of the post-Covid environment as a driver of the company’s decision. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AYG8)
QUINCY, MA—Explaining that it was important to learn the proper fundamentals, local tee ball coach Brendan McShay reportedly reminded players Wednesday to use both hands when sobbing into their glove. “Remember, guys, you want to get both your gloved hand and your throwing hand up to your face when you’re crying to…Read more...
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on (#6AYG9)
DETROIT—Struggling to comfort his visibly downtrodden companion, local secular man Anders Frahm confirmed Wednesday that he wished he had a better way to console his bereaved friend than “Total bummer, dude.” “Yeah, I wish I could just tell him that his mom was in a better place or looking down on everyone, but…Read more...
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on (#6AW75)
REDMOND, WA—In an effort to let the past be the past, local woman Cassie Keene told reporters Monday that she had finally forgiven herself for eating an entire donut all those years ago. “I’ll always be haunted by those 300 calories, but it’s time to move on,” said Keene, who spoke in a quiet, calm voice as she stared…Read more...
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on (#6ASSK)
TEMPE, AZ—Touting the exciting new expansion of their product line beyond orthodontics, the Invisalign company announced Thursday the rollout of a clear body shell system designed to gradually straighten posture. “Our clear plastic shell easily snaps around the body to correct any misalignment in the wearer’s posture…Read more...
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on (#6ASQD)
BOZEMAN, MT—Smoke filling his lungs as he waited back, local man Colin Jensen reportedly delayed his exit from his burning house Friday to avoid small talk with his neighbors. “The flames are definitely getting closer, but if I can hold out for five more minutes, maybe the Harrisons will go back inside and I won’t be…Read more...
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on (#6ASQE)
CLEVELAND—Asked if he had any regrets about the fully guaranteed five-year, $230 million deal the team gave the quarterback in 2022, Cleveland Browns GM Andrew Berry told reporters Friday that if he could go back, he would offer Deshaun Watson more money. “Would I do it differently? Hell yes! I’d give him double,”…Read more...
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on (#6ASQG)
Take this practice test to see if you have the extraordinary knowledge, intelligence, and intolerance needed to pass a history class in Gov. Ron DeSantis’ Florida.Read more...
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on (#6AS7E)
Following the backlash to Anheuser-Busch partnering with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they’re boycotting Budweiser and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AS5K)
NPR plans to shut down its official Twitter accounts after the Elon Musk-owned platform’s decision to label it as “state-affiliated,” which categorizes all 52 NPR-run Twitter accounts as propaganda channels. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AS5M)
DIMMITT, TX—After a devastating explosion at an industrial dairy farm that reportedly killed at least 18,000 head of cattle, hungry Texans who had strapped on a bib and prayed for dinner Thursday cheered when thousands of beef ribs fell from the sky and landed directly on their empty plates. “Hallelujah, the good Lord…Read more...
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on (#6AS5E)
WASHINGTON—Faced with stubbornly high levels of employment and intent on engineering the hardest landing possible for ordinary Americans, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell called Thursday for more poverty. “It’s essential that we use every lever at our disposal to protect the status quo, and this includes raising…Read more...
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on (#6ARJD)
NEW YORK—Contradicting earlier recommendations on the proper amount of rest adults need each night, researchers at Columbia University released a report Thursday claiming that two hours of sleep was plenty for anyone who didn’t think psychosis was a big deal. “If you’re fine with completely losing touch with reality,…Read more...
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on (#6ARJ1)
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In an effort to avoid further controversy after the religious leader’s recent scandal, the embattled Dalai Lama was said to have been quietly reincarnated to a remote Tibetan village Thursday. “In light of recent events, His Holiness has been reincarnated to a rural temple where he will live out…Read more...
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on (#6ARJ2)
With many claiming their intentions were not even the slightest bit antisemitic, The Onion asked several collectors of Third Reich memorabilia why they spend so much money on Nazi art, uniforms, and items personally owned by Adolf Hitler.Read more...
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on (#6ARG5)
CHICAGO—Admitting that the late nights in dark bars were finally catching up with him, aging local rock musician Jesse Thomas reported Thursday that it was time for him to grow up and get a real job as a jazz musician. “You get to a certain point in your life when you realize it might be time to give up on your…Read more...
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Noom Guarantees Refund For Customers Who Fail At Developing Full-Fledged Eating Disorder In 2 Months
on (#6ARES)
NEW YORK—Guaranteeing their weight-loss program would deliver permanent results, Noom officials announced Thursday they would issue a full refund to any new customers who failed to develop a full-fledged eating disorder in two months. “Noom isn’t like other weight-loss programs—we use psychology to make you hate…Read more...
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on (#6AQTV)
The Dalai Lama recently made headlines when video emerged of him asking a young boy to suck his tongue—not the first time the Tibetan leader has caused controversy. The Onion takes a look at the Dalai Lama’s background, political positions, and the facts behind the recent controversy.Read more...
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on (#6AQNS)
ATLANTA—After law enforcement escorted a passenger off the plane and charged him with orderly conduct, United Airlines confirmed Wednesday that it had been forced to remove sober buzzkill Ted Barnwell from a flight to Las Vegas. “During our in-flight beverage service, flight attendants reminded Mr. Barnwell that the…Read more...
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on (#6AQ9M)
Several states recently passed laws legalizing genital inspections for trans children who wish to play sports in school. The Onion asked conservatives why they support state-sanctioned genital inspections for minors, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6APM5)
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—After a controversial video surfaced showing His Holiness asking a child to “suck his tongue,” the Dalai Lama told reporters Tuesday that he previously had felt left out being the only leader of a major religion not to molest someone. “The Dalai Lama would like to apologize for his recent…Read more...
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on (#6AP8M)
While there’s little information available about the mysterious medical process of terminating a pregnancy, The Onion asked men, the primary experts in everything, to explain how an abortion works.Read more...
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on (#6AP3D)
An Australian man has been charged after allegedly stealing a platypus from the wild, taking it on a train, and then showing it off at a shopping center. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AP1S)
LARAMIE, WY—Waking up from his third nap of the day in a cold sweat, local infant Justin Washington confirmed Tuesday that he was continually experiencing an unsettling recurring nightmare where his mouth was full of teeth. “It’s wild—it’s me in the dream, but then instead of smiling and having bare, pink gums, my…Read more...
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on (#6AP1T)
WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Following a massive three-year survey looking at changing trends in American language, a new study published Tuesday by Purdue University found that the phrase “This was back during Covid” is uttered an average of 96 times per conversation. “Among all U.S. adults, the clarifying phrase ‘during…Read more...
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on (#6ANJB)
NEW YORK—Saying they had struggled for years with infertility and were open to any new approach that might help them conceive, local married couple Nina and Joe Klasfeld told reporters Monday they were considering sexual intercourse. “It would be a last resort, obviously, but since we’ve had so much trouble getting…Read more...
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on (#6ANGM)
Tennessee Republicans expelled two Black freshman lawmakers for their participation in a gun control protest yet declined to remove a third Democratic lawmaker, who is white and who participated in the same demonstration on the state House floor last week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6ANBA)
LOUISVILLE, KY—In the hours following a violent rampage in Kentucky in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
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on (#6AN43)
At least 13 states have passed laws banning gender-affirming care for trans youth, including life-saving treatments like hormone therapy and puberty blockers. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose gender-affirming care, and this is what they said.Read more...
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