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on (#6AC66)
PHOENIX—In an effort to investigate claims that they were conspiring to suppress the market for the Baltimore Ravens quarterback, NFL owners announced Friday that they had held a secret meeting to make sure they weren’t colluding against Lamar Jackson.“We had a big clandestine gathering where all 32 of us completely…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 03:00 |
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on (#6AC28)
Elon Musk has pledged to remove all verification for accounts that refuse to pay $8 per month for Twitter Blue. The Onion asked verified Twitter users how they felt about losing their coveted blue checks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AC0Z)
ALPHARETTA, GA—Feeling absolutely livid over the blood-stained discovery, 26-year-old Katy Ellis was reportedly suspicious that boyfriend Tyler Veith was cheating on her Friday after finding another woman’s head in their apartment. “Now who the hell does this belong to?” said Ellis, who bent down to pick up the stray…Read more...
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on (#6ABHZ)
FLORENCE, ITALY—After a Tallahassee parent complained that pictures of Michelangelo’s David shown to a sixth-grade art class were “pornographic,” causing a principal to lose her job, officials from Italy’s Galleria dell’Accademia invited Florida students to come see some real porn Thursday. “If you thought David was…Read more...
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on (#6ABC0)
WASHINGTON—In a heartwarming and touching end to the story of two soulmates, sources confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump died two minutes apart holding hands. “Only minutes before their deaths, they requested that their hospital beds be pushed together—it’s like they knew what…Read more...
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on (#6AB6V)
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a video in which it is unclear whether the tears running down his face are from the taste of entrails or his love for his family, local vlogger Mike Correa was seen eating raw cow intestines on YouTube this week in the hopes of give his children a better life. “Hey guys, I got some really nasty,…Read more...
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on (#6AAZP)
PITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Get outta my way! I need to find an empty stall where I can sit down on the…Read more...
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on (#6AAW2)
ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag. “Hold on, sorry, I know you really want to steal my phone, purse, and wallet, but…Read more...
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on (#6AATG)
Panera Bread will be testing Amazon One, a payment service that allows customers to pay and collect membership rewards by scanning their palms. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AAT8)
Mifepristone, more commonly known as the abortion pill, is a prescription drug that can end a pregnancy at 10 weeks or less. The Onion asked politicians why they are fighting to ban the drug, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AABZ)
Republican Idaho Gov. Brad Little has signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods of capital punishment amid a nationwide shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AA37)
DEARBORN, MI—In a shareholder presentation intended to demonstrate the next generation of automotive innovation, Ford CEO Jim Farley announced Wednesday that “all that is old is new again” as he unveiled a donkey-drawn turnip cart. “What is past is now future—behold, a rickety two-wheel turnip cart led by a team of…Read more...
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on (#6A9Z4)
THE HEAVENS—With smoke and the acrid smell of charred cherubim filling the skies, celestial sources confirmed Wednesday that the Lord God Almighty accidentally burned down heaven this morning when His malfunctioning curling iron started an electrical fire. “I was just putting some nice, loose beach waves in My hair…Read more...
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on (#6A9SN)
PHILADELPHIA—Just days after it was revealed that 8,100 gallons of acrylic polymer solution had leaked into a tributary of the Delaware River, Philadelphia residents reportedly stopped drinking tap water Wednesday upon catching a horrifying glimpse of a hairless, wheezing Gritty. “Jesus Christ, I knew the chemical…Read more...
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on (#6A9SP)
LOUISBURG, KS—Acting like he was better than everyone now that he had a new fancy term to use, pretentious baby Cooper Landrey, who just learned the word “daddy,” reportedly wouldn’t stop inserting it into conversation Wednesday. “Ever since he was able to sound it out, it’s been nonstop ‘Daddy this’ and ‘Daddy…Read more...
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on (#6A9MF)
In a 213-208 vote, House Republicans passed a bill that would allow parents more control over the way issues like race, sexuality, and gender are handled in their children’s schools. The Onion asked Republicans why they support the Parents Bill of Rights Act, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A8X7)
CHICAGO—In an ongoing effort to secure an actual job that would allow him to earn an actual living, reports confirmed Tuesday that local man Tim Upshaw, 36, was earnestly looking for career opportunities on a website called something like Job-a-Dabba-Doo.com. According to sources, the site—which has a humiliating name…Read more...
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on (#6A8X8)
WASHINGTON—Smiling coyly as entrées were set on the table for the first family Monday night, President Biden is said to have casually mentioned to White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford that it was his birthday in an attempt to scam a free dessert. “You’ve really out done yourself, Cris—I don’t think I could…Read more...
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on (#6A8CV)
According to a study published in Nature, a team of scientists from Osaka University in Japan have created mice with two biologically male parents for the first time, a significant milestone in reproductive biology that produced healthy offspring using eggs generated from the skin cells of male mice implanted into…Read more...
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on (#6A8CW)
HUTCHINSON, KS—In what a judge overseeing the case said he hoped would be a precedent, Hutchinson Correctional Facility prisoner Brett Dailey was given an extra 10 years in prison for good behavior Tuesday so he could serve as a role model for his fellow inmates. “Mr. Dailey has been an exemplary inmate from the first…Read more...
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on (#6A74Q)
NEW YORK—Promising to restore “law and order” to New York City Transit, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced Monday that it would implement new minimum income requirements to ride the subway. “Going forward, all MTA customers must earn a minimum of $70,000 a year to ride the subway, and not a penny…Read more...
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on (#6A74R)
MINNEAPOLIS—Feeling annoyed after completely overshooting his time limit for some brief shut-eye, local man Devon Roberts, who reportedly intended to take a quick, half-hour nap Monday, accidentally died in his sleep. “Damn it, when I started my nap it was still light out, and now all I see is infinite blackness,”…Read more...
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on (#6A5AM)
According to a report released by the Anti-Defamation League, incidents of antisemitism in the United States jumped to its highest level since the organization began tracking it in 1979, up 36% from the year before. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A59X)
EQUINUNK, PA—Watching as more than 1 million people took to the streets in violent demonstrations across France, U.S. residents reported Friday that the intensity of the French protests must mean something crazy happened with the way M&M’s are marketed over there. “Seeing how passionate these protesters are leads me…Read more...
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on (#6A56P)
NEW YORK—In the wake of a cost-cutting decision to terminate roughly 10% of its workforce, National Public Radio announced Friday that it had launched a new podcast exploring the lives of employees they just laid off. “Although the decision to eliminate roughly 100 employees was not taken lightly, we are so excited…Read more...
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on (#6A54V)
LOS ANGELES—Standing on her tiptoes and craning her neck to no avail, short concertgoer Kate Wulff reportedly grew annoyed Friday night after getting stuck behind a man growing continuously taller. “Goddamn it, this guy’s got to be at least 6-foot-4—and now he’s 6-foot-5, 6-foot-6, 6-foot-7,” said Wulff, who groaned…Read more...
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on (#6A581)
SALT LAKE CITY—In an attempt to crack down on predators who seek to manipulate children they meet on social media platforms, the Republican supermajority in Utah’s state legislature passed a law Friday stating that teens could only be groomed in person by religious leaders. “I intend to sign this bill so we can curb…Read more...
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on (#6A4QM)
MARBLEHEAD, MA—Amid growing concerns about the sport’s potential effects on child brain development, local parents Jim and Angela Garza told reporters Friday that they were waiting to see their son’s test scores before prohibiting him from playing football. “We’re certainly concerned about what concussions and other…Read more...
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on (#6A4PT)
LANCASTER, PA—Touting its latest product as the most morally upright way to keep a home free of vermin, pest-control company Victor announced Friday it had released a more ethical mouse trap that convicts rodents of a capital offense before sending them to the electric chair. “In an effort not to infringe upon the…Read more...
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on (#6A4P6)
AUSTIN, TX—Forced to undergo extra security checks by officers from the Transportation Security Administration, local man Ron Hoyt was reportedly pulled aside at the airport Friday when an X-ray scanner revealed the burning Twin Towers in his suitcase. “Sir, you have to leave this at home—you’re not allowed to bring…Read more...
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on (#6A46G)
Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Trump’s potential indictment.
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on (#6A44V)
SAN FRANCISCO—In a roundtable discussion about the technology’s promise and possible pitfalls, Silicon Valley investors noted Thursday that they remained concerned that AI could leave a shred of humanity intact. “Even as we observe the vast strides artificial intelligence has made in undermining simple pleasures and…Read more...
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on (#6A3ZV)
Ninety-two-year-old billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to 66-year-old Ann Lesley Smith just six months after the pair first met and seven months after his divorce from his fourth wife. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A3EV)
WASHINGTON—Awake until the wee hours of the morning carefully crafting the policy, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona’s mother was forced to stay up all night devising a plan to combat student debt, sources reported Thursday. “Wait, you have to present a comprehensive plan to address the nation’s growing student debt…Read more...
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on (#6A3EW)
GLENDALE, AZ—After the pop sensation’s much-anticipated Eras Tour kicked off with a pair of shows in Arizona, sources confirmed this week that the first Taylor Swift concert in more than three years was attended solely by old-money aristocrats. “I daresay, this is quite the spectacle, and one must admire how hard…Read more...
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on (#6A3EX)
In order to win approval from Florida’s Department of Education, publishers have begun removing mentions of race from social studies textbooks. The Onion asked teachers how they teach history without race, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6A2W8)
Gwyneth Paltrow is standing trial in a lawsuit filed by a man accusing the actress-turned-lifestyle influencer of violently crashing into him while skiing at a Utah resort in 2016, causing him several serious injuries and then abandoning him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6A2SZ)
WASHINGTON—Saying the sender’s contributions were appreciated but ultimately self-defeating, Capitol Police told reporters Wednesday that a thoughtful letter on how to improve the legislative process was undercut by the poison powder included in the envelope. “Although the anonymous assailant’s note had some…Read more...
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on (#6A2Q0)
WASHINGTON—As part of a $1 trillion clean energy plan to make executives say the word climate more, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the federal government would be awarding subsidies to any CEO who says the word climate. “Simply say the word climate, and we’ll give you a $400 million government grant…Read more...
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