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on (#6AN2F)
MINNEAPOLIS—Giving way to pettiness and bickering in the wake of the passing of a beloved relative, a local family reportedly argued Monday over who should get the dead woman’s identity. “I was there taking care of Aunt Clarissa until the end, and she would want me to be the one to open up credit cards in her name,”…Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 04:45 |
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on (#6AN2G)
TOLEDO, OH—Expressing revulsion after wolfing down the “nasty-ass treat,” local man Kurt Nelson told reporters Monday that he regretted eating what he thought was a Peep. “It seemed warm and gooey at first, but then I started to notice the gross crunchy bits,” said Nelson, explaining that his stomach ached badly after…Read more...
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on (#6AN19)
A recent ProPublica investigation revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas and his wife, conservative activist Ginni Thomas, have gone on several luxury trips involving subsidized travel and stays at properties owned by a GOP megadonor. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AN0Y)
SACO, ME—In an effort to embrace the present moment, a local honey bear confirmed Monday that it was trying to live life to the fullest before crystallization spread throughout its entire body. “Until the day these sugar crystals finally take over my body, I just want to spend my precious time with the chamomile tea…Read more...
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on (#6AN0Z)
NEW YORK—Exclaiming “whoa, look at that kid,” as the small child whizzed past, sources confirmed Friday that they had seen an unaccompanied toddler just fucking sprinting down the sidewalk. “Holy shit, you should have seen him, the kid was absolutely hauling ass as fast as he could and there wasn’t a parent or…Read more...
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on (#6AKC7)
The Kansas state legislature has overridden a veto by the state’s Democratic governor to pass a ban on transgender students participating in sports, which could be enforced with mandatory genital inspections. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AKB6)
SIOUX FALLS, SD—After he vowed not to patronize the Anheuser-Busch company because of its marketing partnership with a transgender TikTok star, sources reported Friday that a local conservative man boycotting Bud Light was forced to drink six cans of something else before hitting his kids. “Tonight I’d love nothing…Read more...
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on (#6AK8K)
WASHINGTON—With the time they had set aside to reflect upon the plights of marginalized groups having elapsed, the nation’s white liberals gathered Friday to announce they had successfully completed listening. “We are pleased to report that after a designated period of remaining attentive, nodding, and saying things…Read more...
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on (#6AK0E)
SAN FRANCISCO—Declaring that the time had come for San Francisco’s chosen residents to rise up and take back the streets and cul-de-sacs that were rightfully theirs, Nextdoor CEO Sarah Friar reportedly began recruiting an army of fanatics Friday for a holy crusade to reclaim their neighborhood. “I call upon all…Read more...
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on (#6AK0D)
SEATTLE—Highlighting Amazon Studios’ continuing struggle to capture an audience, a new report published by The Hollywood Reporter Friday revealed that the only viewer to complete The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power was Jeff Bezos. “Despite its $715 million budget, Jeff Bezos was the only Prime subscriber who…Read more...
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on (#6AJZ4)
Clarence Thomas: “I deny sexually harassing any superyacht. Any superyacht that claims I rubbed my bare penis on its pool deck or groped its bridge is a lying whore.”Read more...
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on (#6AK49)
Italy’s ruling party has introduced a law that seeks to ban governments and corporations from using English in official communications under threat of fines up to $150,000. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AH9Y)
Former President Donald Trump was arrested at a Manhattan courthouse on Tuesday on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. The Onion provides a breathless moment-by-moment chronicle of Trump’s arrest and what it means for the country.
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on (#6AH82)
Finland has officially become the 31st member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, marking a major shift in the security landscape in northeastern Europe that doubles the length of member states’ borders with Russia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AH3X)
Following his arrest in Manhattan on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump has made a number of provocative remarks. The Onion examines the most inflammatory things Trump has said since being indicted.Read more...
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on (#6AGYZ)
A new study has found that “stressed” plants that have not been watered for several days or had their stems cut emit ultrasonic clicking noises that are undetectable to the human ear but may be heard by insects and other animals. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AGYK)
CHICAGO—Moments after conceding to his opponent Brandon Johnson in Tuesday’s mayoral runoff, defeated candidate Paul Vallas announced his plan to open a new charter Chicago. “Established with a generous donation from an anonymous philanthropist, the Global Leadership City will give Chicagoans an option they’ve…Read more...
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on (#6AGQG)
LAS VEGAS—Promising the match would be the fight of the millennium, the Dalai Lama reportedly agreed this week to box Pope Francis for charity. “I’m calling out my longtime spiritual rival, the pope, for a 10-round, winner-take-all bout to raise awareness for mental health,” said His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who…Read more...
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on (#6AGM3)
CHICAGO—Making repeated announcements over the platform loudspeakers and within the agency’s tracking apps, the Chicago Transit Authority informed the public of significant delays Wednesday due to an unconscious fear of success manifesting through self-sabotage. “Commuters should plan to add upwards of 30 minutes to…Read more...
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on (#6AGM4)
HOUSTON—Stressing that in no way did the advisory apply to more than at most a “handful of freaks,” researchers at Rice University issued a report Tuesday clarifying that health warnings against too much exercise are only relevant to, like, 6 or 7 people. “Yeah, when we said it was possible to overdo exercise, we…Read more...
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on (#6AGJD)
Since Columbine, there have been almost 400 instances of gun violence reported on school grounds in the United States. The Onion asked students how they felt about yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AG4J)
NEW YORK—Paying out of pocket to print his reaction to a highly publicized court case in four area newspapers, former President Donald Trump took out full-page ads Tuesday calling for New York to reinstate capital punishment and sentence him to death following his historic indictment. “This person must serve as an…Read more...
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on (#6AG32)
NEW YORK—After being arrested in Manhattan on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records, sources confirmed Tuesday that former President Donald Trump used his one court-mandated phone call to dial up his own answering machine to hear his voice. “Come on, Don, come on, I know you’re there...pick up, pick up,”…Read more...
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on (#6AG15)
NEW YORK—In another successful effort by city law enforcement to put criminals behind bars, NYPD officers reportedly arrested former President Donald Trump Tuesday after a routine stop-and-frisk turned up an unlicensed handgun and 400 milligrams of ketamine. “At approximately 11:30 a.m., two officers out on patrol…Read more...
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on (#6AFYV)
TACOMA, WA—Arguing that “an enormous push” was needed in the manufacturing of the cutting-edge technology, Dalton Robinson, a man who barely understands how a stapler works, reportedly stated, “We need more American-made semiconductors,” in conversation Tuesday. “If we want to compete on a global scale, we need more…Read more...
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on (#6AFEA)
The Onion asked influencers how they felt about the looming TikTok ban in the United States, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6AFHQ)
Former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has returned to Brazil after a three-month self-imposed exile in Florida following last year’s election defeat that led to his supporters storming the Supreme Court. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AFE1)
NEW YORK—Drawing from almost three decades of experience of jerking off in the city, local New Yorker James Greene was reportedly counseling friend Troy Balaz Thursday on how to masturbate on the subway without looking like a tourist. “Don’t use two hands or you’ll look like a doofus,” said Greene, who told Balaz that…Read more...
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on (#6AFCF)
BOSTON—Noting that they definitely had some sort of mission statement when they started in 2015, leaders of a local nonprofit told reporters Tuesday that they no longer recall who they were originally planning to help. “Let’s see, I can tell you that we do good in the community, that we look to reduce harmful stigmas,…Read more...
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on (#6AFC5)
ARTHUR, IL—Reflecting on the two-day trip to her partner’s hometown with an equal mixture of disgust, awe, and confusion, local woman Melissa Longworth reportedly described visiting her boyfriend’s lower-class family Tuesday like she was on some type of foreign exchange program. “It was such an eye-opening yet…Read more...
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on (#6AF5K)
HOUSTON—Capping off a wild tournament defined by surprising underdog victories, the NCAA awarded the national championship title Monday to Duke University in the final upset of March Madness. “After 40 minutes of riveting basketball between San Diego State and the University of Connecticut in a tourney where it often…Read more...
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on (#6AEQX)
A Manhattan grand jury voted to indict former President Donald Trump on 30 criminal charges related to business fraud, the first time in American history that a current or former president has been charged with a crime. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AEQY)
RENTON, WA—With her continual interruptions drawing the ire of her family as they tried to watch a movie together, sources reported Monday that a local mom wouldn’t stop leaning over and whispering questions about how the plot exhibited current trends in film and reflected the culture as a whole. “Ugh, she keeps…Read more...
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on (#6AEHJ)
The executive director of a police union in San Jose, CA has been charged with attempting to illegally import thousands of opioid pills from overseas to distribute in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6AEBZ)
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he didn’t quite understand it but was humbled by the support, Los Angeles Angels pitcher–designated hitter Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he was recently surprised to learn he was massively popular in Japan. “Yeah, apparently I’m huge over in Japan—it’s kind of random, I know, but…Read more...
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on (#6AEB2)
NEW YORK—Amid a slew of rules changes designed to improve the game in the upcoming season, Major League Baseball officials announced Monday that they would speed up play by switching to a computer simulation after the second inning. “Baseball needs to get with the times by making games shorter, so we’ve designed an…Read more...
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on (#6AEB3)
ARLINGTON, VA—Urging the American public not to worry about it, the Pentagon released a report Monday confirming that plenty of U.S. airstrikes hit the correct targets. “After a thorough review, we can say conclusively that a bunch of our drone strikes hit their intended mark,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin,…Read more...
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on (#6ACKK)
NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump. “Now that he’s been indicted, Mr. Trump can’t possibly have any future in…Read more...
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on (#6ACJK)
PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the news that the Manhattan District Attorney had indicted him over payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, former President Donald Trump denounced the move Friday, telling reporters, “All arrests are politically motivated, as the legal system is the codified exercise of political…Read more...
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on (#6AC70)
LOS ANGELES—Operating in accordance with local laws, the bouncer at an L.A. nightclub was reportedly checking Internet Movie Database pages at the door, sources confirmed Friday. “Okay, people, please have your IMDB pages open on your phone by the time you get to the front of the line, or you’re shit out of luck,”…Read more...
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