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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 10:00 |
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on (#69P1S)
WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be…Read more...
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on (#69NZ7)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by…Read more...
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on (#69NZ8)
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so…Read more...
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on (#69NVF)
LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your…Read more...
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on (#69NV4)
Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time.Read more...
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on (#69NCY)
JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much…Read more...
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on (#69NCJ)
Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it?Read more...
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Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun
on (#69MR4)
NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could…Read more...
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on (#69MP4)
Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69M4S)
Bans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and educators believe is inappropriate for students, while critics of these policies point to consequences of such measures. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning books.
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on (#69M4T)
Toblerone will drop images of the Matterhorn and Swiss flag from its packaging to avoid violating Swiss laws that protect national symbols after the company moved some production abroad to Slovakia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69M4V)
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to avoid making her feel nervous as night fell in the city, the Grim Reaper reportedly slowed his pace on the sidewalk Thursday so as not to freak out the woman walking ahead of him. “The last thing I want is for this person to think I’m following her,” said Death, Emissary of the Underworld…Read more...
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on (#69M2S)
As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt collectors alike, these are the biggest hidden costs of giving birth in America.Read more...
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on (#69JVZ)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they could no longer stand by and watch the GOP’s annoyingly public-facing attacks, Democrats demanded Wednesday that Republicans begin pushing their anti-trans agenda more quietly. “We the Democratic Party, officially call on our Republican colleagues to cease being so painfully obvious…Read more...
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on (#69JW0)
Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway and husband George Conway, a lawyer and frequent Trump critic, have announced they are divorcing after more than two decades of marriage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69JW1)
MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic started—what’s he going to do, keep wearing it for the rest of his life?” said sister…Read more...
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on (#69JTG)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
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on (#69JTF)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
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on (#69JTE)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
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on (#69JTC)
Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there could be as many as 15,000 of them in the United States alone. Precisely because of the challenges women face, our most powerful institutions must stand up for this small but influential…Read more...
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on (#69JTB)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
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on (#69JTA)
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.Read more...
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on (#69J9Y)
Almost 200 human rights organizations are urging the United Nations to intervene to ensure the United States protects reproductive rights, saying the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade contravenes the U.S.’s international obligations as a U.N. member organization. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69J7B)
ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was feeling horny. “We urge all U.S. residents, especially women of childbearing age, to…Read more...
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on (#69J5B)
DEERFIELD, IL—Responding to backlash over the pharmacy chain’s recent announcement to cease offering abortion pills in some Republican-dominated states, Walgreens officials clarified Tuesday that the stores still sell plenty of household products that will abort a fetus. “Our household essentials aisle is full of…Read more...
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on (#69J5C)
ANN ARBOR, MI—Following a comprehensive, decade-long survey conducted by human mobility researchers at the University of Michigan, a new study published Tuesday has confirmed that hightailing it continues to be the most popular way outta here. “Regardless of age, race, or gender, we found that in 62% of cases in which…Read more...
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on (#69J5D)
PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his wrinkled, aging face in the mirror and wondering aloud how he could possibly…Read more...
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on (#69J3D)
WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in good conscience continue to allow the widespread use of an app that gave all 100…Read more...
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on (#69HYD)
Tennessee’s governor signed a new bill that bans “adult cabaret entertainment” on public property or in locations where it can be viewed by minors, threatening drag performers with a misdemeanor charge or a felony if it’s a repeat offense. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69HQ8)
WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of “silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday that it was involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty…Read more...
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on (#69GG7)
SPOKANE, WA—Letting out a gratified, peaceful sigh as she sipped her morning coffee, local stable, content woman Gina Dore reportedly remained unaware Monday that she only had a few months left before she would be thinking about Ron DeSantis every day. According to sources, Dore was blissfully able to go about her…Read more...
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on (#69EC5)
Buckingham Palace has asked Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to vacate Frogmore Cottage, a 17th-century manor on the grounds of Windsor Castle that the couple intended to keep as their U.K. base when they gave up royal duties and moved to Southern California. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69EBS)
MIAMI—Insisting that the patron had done such a good job that he deserved a reward, bathroom attendant Ron Carlton reportedly offered a 39-year-old customer a sticker at the Fitzmorris Steakhouse Friday for using the potty all on his own. “Ah, the gentleman has been a very big boy and earned himself a sticker of his…Read more...
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on (#69EAE)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—During a rally in which he decried the cut of his suit as yet another example of political correctness run amok, Florida governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis railed against his own pants Friday, blaming the woke garment for making his ass look huge. “These pernicious navy slacks,…Read more...
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on (#69E89)
The tradwives movement, which has recently exploded on TikTok, is composed of young women who espouse the joys of adhering to traditional family values in a patriarchal marriage. The Onion asked women why they decided to become tradwives, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#69E7S)
NEW YORK—Declaring that he and he alone could save his city from the forces of evil, New York Mayor Eric Adams was spotted Friday morning leaping off the Empire State Building wearing a homemade wingsuit. “From this day forward, any New Yorker who even thinks of committing a crime will have to contend with me, Eric…Read more...
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on (#69DRJ)
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Friday by the Center for American Progress, the high cost of child care is forcing more toddlers to work their way through preschool. “With the cost of child care skyrocketing across the country, a record number of children as young as 2 have been seeking part-time and…Read more...
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on (#69D3S)
WASHINGTON—In an announcement that drew enthusiastic applause from the influencers and supporters in attendance, audience members at the Conservative Political Action Conference were reportedly encouraged Thursday to reach under their chairs and receive a complimentary groping from the event’s organizer, Matt …Read more...
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on (#69CWC)
CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our initiative to ensure complete security throughout the city, we have deputized all 2.7…Read more...
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on (#69CHJ)
The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#69BA2)
TYUMEN, RUSSIA—Frustrated by the lack of interest in his content, Russian panther owner Grigory Polyansky told reporters Wednesday that he was struggling to find a way to make his YouTube channel stand out on the site. “I did a video where it meets a dog, I did a video where it meets a house cat, I did a video where…Read more...
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on (#69B8F)
LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the traps were not intended for human consumption, Los Angeles officials warned residents Wednesday to not touch poisoned food left out to deal with the city’s homeless infestation. “For their own sake, we’re asking residents to avoid the poisoned bait left near dumpsters, encampments, and…Read more...
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on (#69B8G)
Using hallucinogens carries the serious risk of a bad trip, but a skilled guide can help talk down a friend or loved one before their feelings of paranoia or anxiety spin out of control. Here’s what not to say to a friend having a bad trip.Read more...
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