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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 05:00 |
on (#6J5R6)
Eligio Regalado, a pastor from Denver, CO and his wife, Kaitlyn Regalado, were charged with a civil complaint that the pair created and sold a valueless cryptocurrency called INDXcoin," raising nearly $3.2 million that they used to fund a lavish lifestyle in a scheme that Mr. Regaldo claimed he was called to do by...Read more...
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on (#6J5NA)
MIDLOTHIAN, TX-Saying he had appeared in the display case with no further explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local pawn shop Money City Jewelry & Loan had a kid in the window. Whoa, is that a child? I wonder how much they want for him," said local shopper Laura Reineck, noting that the kid, aged 5 or 6, was...Read more...
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on (#6J5NB)
Baby names have changed a lot in the last half century, and the popularity of traditional male names like Robert, William, or Henry has waned in favor of names that reflect the trends and values of modern times. But whether its traditional or unique, every year, one name rises to the top. Find your birth year and see...Read more...
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on (#6J5JM)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that the big game wouldn't be the same without the iconic ancient grains, the nation's quinoa and spelt producers warned of shortages Friday as Americans stocked up for Super Bowl LVIII. As usually happens this time of year, football fans are heading out to supermarkets nationwide to make...Read more...
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on (#6J593)
During a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America had never been a racist country." The Onion asked Americans why our history has always been color-blind, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J572)
BROOKFIELD, WI-Saying he had purchased the artifact of 20th-century warfare at a steal in an online auction, local uncle Kyle Javorsky reportedly announced this week that he had an undetonated World War II-era grenade he wanted to show you. You recognize that, right? That's an Mk 2," said Javorsky, who reportedly...Read more...
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on (#6J56Q)
SANTA CLARITA, CA-Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. Oh my God, what the hell did I do?" said Ewing, who admitted that while his memory was pretty...Read more...
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on (#6J4QZ)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Noting how excited participants were even just to wait in line until it was their turn, a new study published by researchers at the University of Miami found that scanning items at a supermarket self-checkout was even cooler than it seemed when one was a child. From the scanning itself to placing...Read more...
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on (#6J4KJ)
STOCKHOLM-Utilizing one of the Scandinavian country's generous social masturbator programs, the Swedish government gave resident Henrik Svensson six months' paternity leave Thursday for busting a huge load. Upon notification that Mr. Henrik Svensson had cum thick ropes of pearly white semen, the aforementioned will...Read more...
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on (#6J4JX)
DETROIT-Saying they hoped to bring people together through the power of summary executions," Detroit city officials implemented a plan Thursday to rebuild a sense of community by holding public hangings. As part of our efforts to revitalize the city's cultural offerings and strengthen our bonds as Detroiters, we are...Read more...
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on (#6J48G)
The Academy did not nominate Greta Gerwig or Margot Robbie for best director or actor, respectively, for Barbie despite its box office success and critical acclaim, sparking outrage online. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3KT)
ATLANTA-In a partnership with the Ad Council to educate the nation about the strange fleshy organs beneath their pants, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention addressed the plummeting birth rate by launching a new campaign Wednesday that reminded Americans what genitals do. Hard or flushed, wet or scary-we...Read more...
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on (#6J3GA)
A woman was arrested for stealing 65 Stanley cups, valued at $2,500, from a California store over the weekend, all of which were recovered by police from her car during a traffic stop. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3GB)
CHICAGO-Saying she had learned what to look out for after years of being single, local woman Laura Powers reported Friday that any man who wore a hat in every picture on his dating profile was probably hiding a wife and kids up there. If you're scrolling through his photos and none of them show the top of his head,...Read more...
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on (#6J2D3)
The ideal home for someone whose husband didn't disappear six weeks ago after a fight about paper towels. Master bedroom comes with closet full of clothes for a man of medium height who, really, doesn't deserve to call himself a man. Interested buyers may bring white wine.Read more...
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on (#6J1HW)
Donald Trump recently argued that presidents should receive total immunity" from prosecution even if they commit crimes. The Onion asked Americans to explain why presidents should have immunity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZ2P)
LONDON-Expressing excitement for the four-hour, star-studded, once in a lifetime" event, 67 million British citizens tuned in Thursday to watch a live broadcast of King Charles III's prostate surgery. What a beautiful day to witness His Majesty standing before his subjects, donning a hospital gown, and going under...Read more...
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on (#6HYYT)
LOS ANGELES-Maintaining a neutral smile with a slightly furrowed brow to ensure it looked like he was really taking in the sights and sounds, Ben Affleck reportedly kept close control over his facial expression Thursday while watching the trailer for the new Jennifer Lopez movie, This Is Me...Now. Looks super awesome,...Read more...
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New Petfinder Feature Allows Users To Browse Dogs That Already Have Homes But Would Be Easy To Steal
on (#6HYN5)
ST. LOUIS-In an effort to better connect prospective pet owners with animal companions ready for the taking, the website Petfinder announced a new feature Thursday allowing users to browse dogs that already had homes but would be relatively easy to steal. Finding the perfect pet for you and your family can be a...Read more...
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on (#6HTAK)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble.Read more...
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on (#6HT44)
While it would be best not to interact with them at all, here's what you should never say to a former Jeffrey Epstein associate.Read more...
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on (#6HSYG)
Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire's recreational drug use.Read more...
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on (#6HSYH)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble. Our readers can't get enough of engaging games like Wordle and Connections, and now a $50 annual Games...Read more...
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on (#6HSYJ)
TEMPE, AZ-Taking a moment to acknowledge their fallen comrade, a group of Arizona State University students announced Friday that the drunk guy who just tumbled off the balcony would have wanted the rest of his friends to keep partying. If Caleb could be here now, he would definitely tell us to carry on with the good...Read more...
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on (#6HSYK)
NEW YORK-After their compensation packages emerged from the difficult commercial landscape unscathed, top executives at Symbios Enterprises told reporters Friday that economic headwinds had narrowly avoided C-suite budgets for the 15th straight quarter. It was touch-and-go there for a bit with all the macro changes...Read more...
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on (#6HSYM)
Close on the heels of the deadly storms currently crossing the U.S., meteorologists are predicting a bomb cyclone blizzard in the Midwest, an arctic blast across 88% of the U.S., thunderstorms across the Southeast, and an East Coast snowstorm. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSHG)
SOUTH BEND, IN-Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. If this...Read more...
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on (#6HSEP)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-While paying tribute to the departing coach's 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill's leaving...Read more...
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on (#6HSEQ)
Pat McAfee announced that Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear as a weekly guest on his ESPN talk show following statements by Rodgers that late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is linked to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, which caused Kimmel to threaten to sue. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HSBP)
TAPETHOK, NEPAL-Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. Weeeeeeeee! Yay!" said the...Read more...
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on (#6HS7C)
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA-Emphasizing that the void left by outgoing CEO Wayne LaPierre would be difficult to fill, the National Rifle Association announced Thursday that it had narrowed its search for new leadership with a round of Russian roulette. After an exhaustive search, we've honed in on the best candidates by...Read more...
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on (#6HS7D)
Full article.Read more...
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on (#6HS76)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is.Read more...
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on (#6HS45)
Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HS1C)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?" said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of...Read more...
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on (#6HS1D)
NEW YORK-In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine, researchers at Columbia University's Robert N. Butler Aging Center predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their life force. What's remarkable is...Read more...
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on (#6HS1E)
According to a new study published in Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences, an average liter of bottled water contains roughly 240,000 detectable plastic particles including nanoplastics less than one micrometer in size, almost 100 times more than previously estimated. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6HRDX)
On Tuesday, several left-leaning reporters and critics of Elon Musk were removed from X with no warning, a move that seems contradictory to his previously stated goals of fostering free speech on the social media platform. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HRB5)
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA-Regaling her friends with tales of promiscuity from her single life, local woman Erica Bennet reportedly referred to the sole hi" she sent to a man on a dating app Wednesday as a ho phase," according to sources. Truly in my ho phase, y'all," the 29-year-old wrote in a group text with her...Read more...
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on (#6HRAZ)
MILWAUKEE-Saying he had no idea at what hour of the night or early morning he would return, local boyfriend Adrian Martin announced Wednesday that he planned to black out and spend upwards of $600 at a golf simulator. Yeah, I'm heading out with my buddies to that place RoboGolf-don't wait up for me," said...Read more...
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on (#6HRB0)
While he feigns ignorance, much of Donald Trump's current rhetoric bears an unmistakable similarity to that of Adolph Hitler. See if you can guess whether the following quotes were said by the 45th president of the United States or the former leader of Nazi Germany.Read more...
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Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert And Ex-Husband Allegedly Involved In Physical Altercation At Restaurant
on (#6HQZM)
Police responded to a call in which the ex-husband of Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO), Jayson Boebert, claimed to be a victim of domestic violence, alleging that he was punched in the face at the restaurant where the two met. Rep. Boebert denies the allegations and no charges are being pressed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HQZN)
CHICAGO-With a demolition crew arriving outside the building just as the final Sputnik chandelier was installed, a new luxury condominium building was reportedly demolished minutes after its completion Wednesday in order to build even fancier condos. Though we are sorry to say goodbye to this high-rise after its...Read more...
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on (#6HQZF)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to contrast himself with former President Donald Trump ahead of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden reportedly played up his wholesomeness Wednesday by drawing freckles on his cheeks with a marker. Why, hello, everybody-my name is Joey Biden," the president said in an address from the White...Read more...
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on (#6HQAV)
WILMETTE, IL-Telling the child not to peek as they walked into the backyard, local wealthy man Kenneth Schweitz reportedly surprised his son Tuesday with a tree house that the young boy could Airbnb for passive income. It's time you got your own little space that can be rented out for short-term stays and used to...Read more...
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