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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 15:30 |
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on (#6GMDN)
SAN FRANCISCO-Citing the importance of not making judgments on the basis of a stereotype, local progressive man Jesse Hammond told reporters Friday he was careful never to assume someone was a genie just because they had floated out of a golden lamp. When you rub an ancient oil lamp and someone emerges from its spout...Read more...
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on (#6GMDP)
CHICAGO-Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while...Read more...
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on (#6GMD8)
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX-Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be left on the floor. Noah isn't mobile yet, so it's fine-you can just plop...Read more...
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on (#6GKKX)
A study published in Nature Genetics that analyzed the genomes of more than 1 million people found sequences of DNA that could be linked to a disposition to cannabis addiction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GKKJ)
DAYTON, OH-Noting that everyone else in this house was somehow able to act like a functioning member of society, a new report published Thursday found that the rest of the family was ready to do the annual turkey trot if you were done with your little pity party. Well, you can either spend all day sulking in your...Read more...
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on (#6GK72)
The Rolling Stones announced dates for a 2024 tour of their newest album Hackney Diamonds in what will be the first time the band has toured without drummer Charlie Watts since 1963. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GJQB)
Whether it's a child's drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.Read more...
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on (#6GJ79)
Javier Milei, a former economist and TV personality whom many have compared to Donald Trump both in his lack of political experience and brand of far-right politics, was elected president of Argentina this week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GHXB)
BOISE, ID-Saying he was unable to grasp a single piece of information otherwise, area man Rob Shipley told reporters Tuesday he could only learn new things if he was encouraged by the promise of receiving cartoon gems for his efforts. As much as I try, I can't seem to acquire any new knowledge unless an animated...Read more...
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on (#6GHRN)
After losing to Democrats in several key elections, several high-profile Republicans have begun calling for RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel to resign. The Onion asked conservative public figures why McDaniel should be ousted from her leadership position, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GHR8)
Renewable energy is on the rise as it becomes cheaper to produce the necessary tools and systems for transitioning the planet to a greener future. The Onion presents a glossary to common terms in the renewable energy space.Read more...
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on (#6GHRA)
AUSTIN, TX-Describing the plastic 5-gallon container as a real stunner," local father Edward Nielsen reportedly spent most of a phone call with his son Andrew on Monday praising a newly acquired bucket. It's a quality bucket, and comfortable to grip too," said the retiree, refusing to let his son get a word in as...Read more...
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on (#6GH9N)
WASHINGTON-As he hacked and coughed in front of a horrified group of family members and top administration officials, sources confirmed Monday that President Joe Biden's lungs flew out of his mouth when he attempted to blow out his birthday candles. We sang happy birthday, cheered, and then, all of a sudden, we...Read more...
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on (#6GH95)
In a recent social media post, Snoop Dogg, whose love of marijuana has been documented in his music and business ventures since the early '90s, announced that he is quitting smoking, saying After much consideration & conversation with my family, I've decided to give up smoke. Please respect my privacy at this time."...Read more...
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on (#6GH96)
A human being's genetics influence their body, traits, and other characteristics, but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist. The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics.
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on (#6GGWW)
While it can be fun or playful to send titillating messages and photos to a partner, it's important to have some guardrails. Here's what you should never say while sexting.Read more...
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on (#6GGWX)
WASHINGTON-Deciding it was time for her to become more politically active, Vice President Kamala Harris recently logged onto ActBlue to donate $7 to the Biden reelection campaign, sources reported Monday. This is just my way of doing something to help out," said Harris, who briefly considered rounding her donation up...Read more...
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on (#6GGSV)
SALINA, KS-Expressing remorse for ruining the staff's hard work, local man Jason Reddick told reporters Monday that he always felt guilty shitting on a freshly mopped cafe floor. I feel so bad when an employee has literally just put down the wet floor' sign down, and then I show up and immediately defecate all over...Read more...
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on (#6GGSX)
SANTA ANA, CA-Emphasizing that employees should be proud of all the amazing things their hard work had accomplished, local CEO Bryan Arlington reportedly attempted to improve his company's morale Monday by sharing intimate descriptions of his summer home renovations. As many of you know, it's been a difficult quarter...Read more...
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on (#6GGSY)
MISSOULA, MT-Wincing at the sound of the man's booming voice, sources confirmed Monday that 35-year-old Jesse Slattery was loud but not even drunk. You'd think he'd had a shot or two before this, but nope, that's just his voice," said acquaintance Kevin McGill, who appeared bewildered by the man who was destroying...Read more...
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on (#6GF1G)
There is nothing more mysterious and disgusting than the tangled mess of tubes, holes, and pubic hair that makes up the female anatomy. The Onion answers the most common questions that patients are too embarrassed to ask their gynecologists.Read more...
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on (#6GEZC)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-Sharing details about a recent conversation with the former New England field general, Patriots quarterback Mac Jones revealed this week that he called Tom Brady to discuss never calling Tom Brady again. I had a great conversation with Tom about how I shouldn't contact him for any goddamn reason," said...Read more...
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on (#6GEAW)
SAN FRANCISCO-Speaking at a solo press conference after a carefully orchestrated diplomatic summit with the Chinese leader, President Joe Biden told reporters Wednesday that he still thought Xi Jinping was a dictator and a slut. Look, there's nothing that happened in this summit that changed my belief that Xi ...Read more...
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on (#6GDT4)
Forty-one states and D.C. have sued Meta for harming children's mental health and safety by allegedly designing their social media platforms to be addictive to minors, with the federal complaint stating that the company endeavored to exploit young users for profit." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GD7E)
CHICAGO-Saying the woman had watched a large group of passengers board and appeared not to care when they were forced to stand, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a rude train passenger was taking up an extra seat with her husband even though he could easily fit on her lap. Everyone knows that on a crowded train, the...Read more...
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on (#6GCZW)
ROCHESTER, MN-Saying it would be a great way for them to hang out together and bond as a couple, local girlfriend Tasha Emerson reportedly signed herself and her boyfriend Doug Purdom up for medical school this week. Oh, come on, don't roll your eyes-I think we'll really like becoming licensed medical professionals...Read more...
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on (#6GCZX)
GRAND RAPIDS, MI-Despite her attendance throughout the morning's mandatory training course, sources confirmed Wednesday that an amateur skydiver ascending up into the clouds had clearly not listened to instructions. It doesn't matter how many times I say it, there's one in every damn group who fails to pay...Read more...
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on (#6GCX4)
SAN FRANCISCO-Stressing that this was the best option given how prohibitively expensive all the Bay Area hotels were, sources confirmed Wednesday that President Joe Biden has been forced to share an Airbnb with three roommates during his visit to San Francisco. While the president obviously would have loved to have...Read more...
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on (#6GCV5)
CLEVELAND-Stressing that she was relieved to know others would now be able to control their own futures, sixth-grader Amanda Zwillet, a local girl forced to give birth last year, told reporters Wednesday she was nonetheless a bit frustrated about the timing of the recent vote to enshrine abortion rights in Ohio's...Read more...
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on (#6GCF6)
Former President Donald Trump recently called his liberal political opponents vermin" in a speech delivered on the campaign trail for the 2024 election, using the term in a manner likened to Hitler or Mussolini to dehumanize his rivals. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GC8Y)
After The Marvels had the Marvel Cinematic Universe's worst-ever opening weekend, The Onion asked men to explain why the female-led film failed, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GC8Z)
PORT ST. LUCIE, FL-Returning to her normal baseline after a prolonged period in a frenzied, psychotic state, a local woman confirmed Tuesday that she had come out of her manic episode to discover she was now a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. I was suffering from extensive hallucinations and delusions for...Read more...
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on (#6GBZH)
GREENSBORO, NC-Receiving the go-ahead from his typically strict owner, local terrier-beagle mix Montgomery Pickles, 7, was reportedly allowed to eat whatever he wanted from the sidewalk Tuesday since it was his birthday. Go for it-I'm not going to keep you away from any trash today, my little birthday boy," pet owner...Read more...
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on (#6GBZJ)
CHICAGO-Observing that the bird carcass seemed to have shifted several feet to the right in the past twenty-four hours, sources confirmed Monday that a dead pigeon at a bus stop near Jackson and State moved a little overnight. Huh, it definitely seems like it was closer to that cigarette butt in the corner...Read more...
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on (#6GBZK)
NEW YORK-In collaboration with the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the Ad Council released a new suicide prevention campaign Tuesday that encourages teens to wait to kill themselves until they are middle-aged. Don't give up yet-give it 20 years," says the voiceover in the campaign's first 30-second ad spot,...Read more...
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on (#6GBXS)
THE WORLD-Ready for the moment when they will rise up as one and fight to free themselves from tyranny, the world's persecuted, exploited masses confirmed Monday they were only waiting for the right hot guy to emerge and lead them in revolution. For too long we have been kept down, but no more: We are prepared to...Read more...
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on (#6GBGH)
Scientists based in China have created a monkey chimera with two sets of DNA, experimental work they say could ultimately benefit medical research and the conservation of endangered species. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GBGJ)
WASHINGTON-With a clear majority of their constituents demanding a ceasefire, members of Congress instructed staffers on Monday to smash any phone that received a call about Palestine. Should voters attempt to reach you to express their opposition to hostilities in Gaza, please make sure the device on which they...Read more...
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on (#6GB1Z)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to address the nation's mental health crisis, the American Psychological Association issued a blanket recommendation Monday for depressed individuals to cheer themselves up with a cool, tasty root beer float. In recent decades, clinical depression has risen to epidemic levels in the United...Read more...
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