| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 09:45 |
 |
on (#6JGXG)
Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6JGXK)
An estimated 40 million adults receive therapy treatment every year, but those considering therapy or even in therapy may encounter some common myths and misconceptions about what it can accomplish. The Onion debunks the most enduring myths about therapy.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6JGWP)
This pristine colon features a constant flow of nutrient-rich waste, ample space to raise larvae, and is just minutes from the anus for easy egg deposition! Emit your dorsal hooks and latch on today!Read more...
|
 |
on (#6JGT3)
Staying up to date the with the location of the busy pop star can be a challenge for fans. Fear not, however, for now you can follow Taylor Swift's every move with The Onion's real-time jet tracker.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6JDHQ)
ST. LOUIS-Expanding its product offerings beyond its long-running line of chewable tablets, antacid manufacturer Tums introduced a new sternly worded note Tuesday that reportedly works by reminding consumers they know better than to eat that stuff in the first place. The best method of heartburn relief remains having...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6JABF)
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J82D)
ROCHESTER, MN-Emphasizing the importance of catching skinlessness early, while there was still some chance of treating the condition, dermatologists at the Mayo Clinic issued a recommendation Tuesday that members of the public regularly check themselves for skin. Given the potentially dire health effects if the...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6J5NA)
MIDLOTHIAN, TX-Saying he had appeared in the display case with no further explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local pawn shop Money City Jewelry & Loan had a kid in the window. Whoa, is that a child? I wonder how much they want for him," said local shopper Laura Reineck, noting that the kid, aged 5 or 6, was...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J5NB)
Baby names have changed a lot in the last half century, and the popularity of traditional male names like Robert, William, or Henry has waned in favor of names that reflect the trends and values of modern times. But whether its traditional or unique, every year, one name rises to the top. Find your birth year and see...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J5JM)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that the big game wouldn't be the same without the iconic ancient grains, the nation's quinoa and spelt producers warned of shortages Friday as Americans stocked up for Super Bowl LVIII. As usually happens this time of year, football fans are heading out to supermarkets nationwide to make...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J593)
During a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America had never been a racist country." The Onion asked Americans why our history has always been color-blind, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J572)
BROOKFIELD, WI-Saying he had purchased the artifact of 20th-century warfare at a steal in an online auction, local uncle Kyle Javorsky reportedly announced this week that he had an undetonated World War II-era grenade he wanted to show you. You recognize that, right? That's an Mk 2," said Javorsky, who reportedly...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J56Q)
SANTA CLARITA, CA-Immediately regretting every drunken decision that led him to this point, local man John Ewing recoiled in disgust Friday after the pizza he woke up to looked nothing like what he brought to bed last night. Oh my God, what the hell did I do?" said Ewing, who admitted that while his memory was pretty...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J4QZ)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Noting how excited participants were even just to wait in line until it was their turn, a new study published by researchers at the University of Miami found that scanning items at a supermarket self-checkout was even cooler than it seemed when one was a child. From the scanning itself to placing...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J4KJ)
STOCKHOLM-Utilizing one of the Scandinavian country's generous social masturbator programs, the Swedish government gave resident Henrik Svensson six months' paternity leave Thursday for busting a huge load. Upon notification that Mr. Henrik Svensson had cum thick ropes of pearly white semen, the aforementioned will...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J4JX)
DETROIT-Saying they hoped to bring people together through the power of summary executions," Detroit city officials implemented a plan Thursday to rebuild a sense of community by holding public hangings. As part of our efforts to revitalize the city's cultural offerings and strengthen our bonds as Detroiters, we are...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J3KT)
ATLANTA-In a partnership with the Ad Council to educate the nation about the strange fleshy organs beneath their pants, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention addressed the plummeting birth rate by launching a new campaign Wednesday that reminded Americans what genitals do. Hard or flushed, wet or scary-we...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J3GB)
CHICAGO-Saying she had learned what to look out for after years of being single, local woman Laura Powers reported Friday that any man who wore a hat in every picture on his dating profile was probably hiding a wife and kids up there. If you're scrolling through his photos and none of them show the top of his head,...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6J2D3)
The ideal home for someone whose husband didn't disappear six weeks ago after a fight about paper towels. Master bedroom comes with closet full of clothes for a man of medium height who, really, doesn't deserve to call himself a man. Interested buyers may bring white wine.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6J1HW)
Donald Trump recently argued that presidents should receive total immunity" from prosecution even if they commit crimes. The Onion asked Americans to explain why presidents should have immunity, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HZ2P)
LONDON-Expressing excitement for the four-hour, star-studded, once in a lifetime" event, 67 million British citizens tuned in Thursday to watch a live broadcast of King Charles III's prostate surgery. What a beautiful day to witness His Majesty standing before his subjects, donning a hospital gown, and going under...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HYYT)
LOS ANGELES-Maintaining a neutral smile with a slightly furrowed brow to ensure it looked like he was really taking in the sights and sounds, Ben Affleck reportedly kept close control over his facial expression Thursday while watching the trailer for the new Jennifer Lopez movie, This Is Me...Now. Looks super awesome,...Read more...
|
 |
New Petfinder Feature Allows Users To Browse Dogs That Already Have Homes But Would Be Easy To Steal
on (#6HYN5)
ST. LOUIS-In an effort to better connect prospective pet owners with animal companions ready for the taking, the website Petfinder announced a new feature Thursday allowing users to browse dogs that already had homes but would be relatively easy to steal. Finding the perfect pet for you and your family can be a...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HTAK)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble.Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6HT44)
While it would be best not to interact with them at all, here's what you should never say to a former Jeffrey Epstein associate.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSYG)
Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire's recreational drug use.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSYH)
NEW YORK-In an innovative expansion of its popular puzzle section, The New York Times Games department announced a new feature Thursday that sends reporters to subscribers' homes to play a round of Scrabble. Our readers can't get enough of engaging games like Wordle and Connections, and now a $50 annual Games...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSYJ)
TEMPE, AZ-Taking a moment to acknowledge their fallen comrade, a group of Arizona State University students announced Friday that the drunk guy who just tumbled off the balcony would have wanted the rest of his friends to keep partying. If Caleb could be here now, he would definitely tell us to carry on with the good...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSYK)
NEW YORK-After their compensation packages emerged from the difficult commercial landscape unscathed, top executives at Symbios Enterprises told reporters Friday that economic headwinds had narrowly avoided C-suite budgets for the 15th straight quarter. It was touch-and-go there for a bit with all the macro changes...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSHG)
SOUTH BEND, IN-Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. If this...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSEP)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-While paying tribute to the departing coach's 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill's leaving...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HSBP)
TAPETHOK, NEPAL-Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. Weeeeeeeee! Yay!" said the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HS7C)
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA-Emphasizing that the void left by outgoing CEO Wayne LaPierre would be difficult to fill, the National Rifle Association announced Thursday that it had narrowed its search for new leadership with a round of Russian roulette. After an exhaustive search, we've honed in on the best candidates by...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HS7D)
Full article.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HS76)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HS45)
Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HS1C)
OMAHA, NE-Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation's midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?" said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of...Read more...
|