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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 08:30 |
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on (#6K68T)
WASHINGTON-Taking every possible opportunity to lean over to the House speaker's side of the desk and point at the back of Joe Biden's head, Vice President Kamala Harris repeatedly whispered I know him" to Mike Johnson during Thursday night's State of the Union address. Psst, hey Mike, I'm not sure if you've heard,...Read more...
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on (#6K4HY)
PHOENIX-Having grown apart over the years in their perspectives on sin, depravity, and strange, diabolical rites, satanic couple Dane and Melissa Sinclair told reporters Tuesday they no longer have a shared dark vision for the future. We used to see eye-to-eye on our Dark Lord's plan for us, but as we've grown older,...Read more...
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on (#6K3Y8)
According to a Pentagon report, the White House pharmacy under Trump dispensed huge quantities of controlled substances like Xanax, Ambien, and Provigil, often to ineligible patients. The Onion reveals what happened when staff reportedly used copious amounts of speed, sedatives, and alcohol to deal with the stress of...Read more...
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on (#6K3NJ)
We are legally required to warn that looking directly at Americans might make you puke. However, cosmetic procedures can significantly improve the vomit-inducing physical appearance of the U.S. populace. The Onion examines the most popular plastic surgery in every state.Read more...
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on (#6K3MV)
CLEVELAND-Saying the practice helped put the spark back in their taboo relationship, local couple Brian Tiller and Nora Vaughan told reporters Tuesday that they had been watching porn together to feel more excited about being stepsiblings. Of course, when we started seeing each other, all it took was Brian asking,...Read more...
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on (#6K32Y)
GAZA CITY, GAZA-Part of an ongoing mission to provide the struggling population of Gaza with necessary detritus, the United States announced Monday that it had airdropped rubble into the war-torn Palestinian territory. Over the weekend, the U.S. Air Force dropped 38,000 tons of rubble directly into Gaza to supplement...Read more...
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on (#6K32Z)
PARADISE, NV-Announcing their new contract would be indefinite," the Sphere at the Venetian reportedly refused to release U2 Monday despite the band fulfilling the terms of their residency. Yes, you have played your 40 shows, but the laws of man do not apply to the Sphere," said the 516-foot-wide Sphere in a booming...Read more...
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on (#6K2R2)
JANESVILLE, WI-Admitting that it was exactly what he needed to pass the time between sunup and sundown, a visibly disheveled Paul Ryan reportedly spent another nice day this week staring at a wall for eight hours and then going back to bed. Yeah, pretty much the same as yesterday-saw light coming through my...Read more...
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on (#6K12E)
Now in his seventh term in the U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced that he would step back from his position as minority leader later this year. Here, Americans give their best guess for who will replace the long-serving conservative lawmaker.Read more...
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on (#6K0XF)
GENEVA-In an impassioned speech at a peace summit hosted in Switzerland, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a striking challenge to his Russian counterpart Thursday, inviting Vladimir Putin to settle the war between their two nations on the dance floor. After two years of fighting we have reached a...Read more...
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on (#6K0TD)
Since the fall of Roe vs. Wade, women's reproductive rights, including the right to abortion, hormonal birth control, and in vitro fertilization, have been severely restricted across the United States. The Onion asked women how they'd like to have their bodies restricted next, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K0TE)
ST. LOUIS-In an effort to introduce a more satisfying version of their calcium tablets, Tums debuted a new deep-dish antacid pizza Friday that offers eight piping-hot slices of digestion aid. Tums Antacid Deep-Dish Pizza features a two-inch-thick authentic Chicago-style crust of calcium carbonate topped with loads of...Read more...
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on (#6JXXK)
CHATHAM, NH-During a long-planned excursion with his family through the White Mountain National Forest, 12-year-old Austin Tanden is said to have spent an entire hiking trip Tuesday fantasizing about exactly which video games he would play when he got home. First, I'm going to boot up Fortnite and see if any of my...Read more...
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on (#6JX0P)
WASHINGTON-Providing a striking insight into the beliefs of likely voters in the lead-up to the 2024 election, a poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that only 19% of Americans believed the country was ready for a competent president. Our nation has come a long way, but if you put someone with...Read more...
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on (#6JRKS)
ITHACA, NY-In a shocking revelation that left the entire ornithological community reeling, Cornell University scientists reportedly discovered Tuesday that birds had lied about being related to dinosaurs. For decades, birds literally looked us in the eye and claimed they descended from theropods-and it was all a...Read more...
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on (#6JQWQ)
PALM BEACH, FL-Closing his eyes and letting his mind wander, former President Donald Trump was reportedly daydreaming Monday about what he would do if he were rich. Can you imagine never having to worry about money ever again?" said Trump, who smiled as he slipped into the ideal imaginary world in which he could...Read more...
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on (#6JNJ3)
Rachel Dolezal, the former head of an NAACP chapter who resigned after mispresenting herself as Black in 2015 and now goes by the name Nkechi Diallo, was fired from her position as an after-school instructor in Tucson, AZ when her presence on OnlyFans came to light. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JNJ4)
HOUSTON-Calling the popular musician traitorous for failing to support President George W. Bush in a time of crisis, thousands of country stations across America reportedly refused to play Beyonce's music Thursday after the artist condemned the Iraq War. If she doesn't want to support our troops risking their lives...Read more...
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on (#6JM8K)
SAGINAW, MI-Clutching her son and strategically pointing him outward at all who dared challenge her, local mother Cara Gershwin wielded her coughing baby like a weapon Wednesday and aimed him at her enemy. According to sources, Gershwin had been spotted pacing around slowly with her baby, making direct eye contact...Read more...
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on (#6JJRJ)
LAS VEGAS-Setting to work on rebuilding immediately after his dramatic victory in Super Bowl LVIII, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes told reporters in a press conference Monday that he was already hard at work upgrading his own family. Look, I'm proud of what we did out there on the field last...Read more...
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on (#6JJGD)
Romance is in the air on Valentine's Day, but those who aren't lucky enough to have a partner will have to be satisfied with the pleasure of their own company. Here are the most common porn searches on Valentine's Day.Read more...
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on (#6JJDT)
VATICAN CITY-Concluding that high-ranking church officials had concealed evidence of the former Subway spokesman preying on young children, a baffling report released Monday found that the Vatican also tried to cover up Jared Fogle's sexual abuse. For reasons that remain unclear, there appears to have been a clear...Read more...
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on (#6JJDV)
NORTHBROOK, IL-His eyes widening as he realized there was neither a roast nor tenderloin in sight, local husband Eric Mavis reportedly expressed concern Monday over the lack of meat in his family's shopping cart. Wait, what are we going to eat this week?" said Mavis, who frowned as he looked down at the contents of...Read more...
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on (#6JJDW)
GILBERT, AZ-Noting that just spending a few minutes a day on a toilet had drastically improved her mental and physical health, local woman Jessica Emerson admitted to reporters Monday that she considered her bathroom break self-care. I know that some people treat themselves to bathroom breaks 3, maybe 4 times a day,...Read more...
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on (#6JJ4Y)
LAS VEGAS-Noting that the dazzling Super Bowl performances had been fun but largely antithetical to the competition, sources confirmed Sunday that yet another field goal had been blocked by Cirque Du Soleil performers doing acrobatics on a goal post. It's great to see so many sparking leotards and death-defying...Read more...
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on (#6JJ4Z)
LAWRENCE, KS-Unable to control herself while watching the R&B star perform during the Super Bowl LVIII halftime show, local mom Kathy Deacon got up from her couch and licked Usher's abs on her TV screen, sources reported Sunday. Oh yeah, come to Mama," said the flushed, sweating woman, who after sticking her gaping...Read more...
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on (#6JJ42)
NEW YORK-Appearing in 60-second spot in which he praised the virtue of playing it safe and held up a crisp new $100 bill, actor Matt Damon starred in a Super Bowl commercial Sunday that promoted paper money. Fortune favors whoever gets their hands on cold hard American currency," said Damon, who is seen placing large...Read more...
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on (#6JJ3J)
LAS VEGAS-Panicked about their entire team potentially missing kickoff at the Super Bowl, the Kansas City Chiefs reportedly had to walk six miles to the game Sunday after their bus driver refused to pay $125 for stadium parking. I mean, I get that stadium parking is a rip-off, but the bus driver spent an entire hour...Read more...
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on (#6JJ24)
LAS VEGAS-In another major controversy for the social media influencer, 23-year-old Jackson Mahomes was reportedly caught Sunday groping the Las Vegas Sphere. Sources confirmed that Mahomes, the younger brother of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, sidled up to the 516-foot-wide LED orb before suddenly...Read more...
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on (#6JHSD)
TOKYO-With the international pop star having rushed onto the private aircraft after a sold-out show at the Tokyo Dome, fans around the world speculated Sunday about whether Taylor Swift would make it to the Super Bowl after she boarded Buddy Holly's old plane. I'm just praying Tay Tay gets to the big game in time to...Read more...
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on (#6JGXE)
New research from scientists in the U.K. indicates that older men taking Viagra are 18% less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, with the researchers speculating that because the medication relaxes blood vessels, it could be improving blood flow in the brain as well as other areas of the body. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6JGXF)
In a lawsuit funded by Elon Musk, actress and former MMA artist Gina Carano is suing Disney for her termination from TV series The Mandalorian, alleging that she was fired for her far-right political views and demanding that the company rehire her. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JGXG)
Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.Read more...
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on (#6JGXK)
An estimated 40 million adults receive therapy treatment every year, but those considering therapy or even in therapy may encounter some common myths and misconceptions about what it can accomplish. The Onion debunks the most enduring myths about therapy.Read more...
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on (#6JGWP)
This pristine colon features a constant flow of nutrient-rich waste, ample space to raise larvae, and is just minutes from the anus for easy egg deposition! Emit your dorsal hooks and latch on today!Read more...
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on (#6JGT3)
Staying up to date the with the location of the busy pop star can be a challenge for fans. Fear not, however, for now you can follow Taylor Swift's every move with The Onion's real-time jet tracker.Read more...
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on (#6JFYF)
Despite facing no major challenger in Nevada, Nikki Haley lost the state's primary election after voters rejected all candidates, with more choosing the none of these candidates" option on the ballot. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6JE1S)
Following a procedure to reduce an enlarged prostate, King Charles III, 75, was diagnosed with a form of cancer" and is stepping down from public duties while he undergoes treatment. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JDHQ)
ST. LOUIS-Expanding its product offerings beyond its long-running line of chewable tablets, antacid manufacturer Tums introduced a new sternly worded note Tuesday that reportedly works by reminding consumers they know better than to eat that stuff in the first place. The best method of heartburn relief remains having...Read more...
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on (#6JABF)
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JABG)
Elon Musk announced that his company Neuralink implanted its first brain-computer interface into a human and that the patient is recovering well," the goal of the new wireless device being to link directly into an individual's cerebral cortex, allowing them to control a computer by thinking. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J82D)
ROCHESTER, MN-Emphasizing the importance of catching skinlessness early, while there was still some chance of treating the condition, dermatologists at the Mayo Clinic issued a recommendation Tuesday that members of the public regularly check themselves for skin. Given the potentially dire health effects if the...Read more...
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