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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 09:45 |
on (#6NVR2)
Former Jackass star Bam Margara, 44, agreed to six months of probation after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in an assault against his brother Jess Margara, who suffered a ruptured eardrum during the altercation between the siblings, with Jess testifying that his brother is a good dude when he's not messed up."...Read more...
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on (#6NVHF)
Former President Donald Trump and current President Biden squared off for the first presidential debate of 2024 on CNN. The Onion's fact checkers diligently combed through 90 minutes of pure slop to categorize the candidate's statements as true or false.Read more...
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on (#6NVHG)
NEW YORK-In a finding that sheds light upon the lives of hundreds of Americans who experience similar fates each year, a Columbia University report released Friday linked climbing onto an enormous index finger with being whisked away to a kingdom of giants. Our research suggests there's a strong correlation between...Read more...
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on (#6NVHH)
PETALUMA, CA-Noting that whoever was in charge clearly took the assignment and ran with it, sources told reporters Friday that an overly ambitious nature center had squeezed 25 informational placards out of one sad little marsh. I'd barely made it out of the parking lot before I passed six different signs describing...Read more...
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on (#6NV56)
ATLANTA-Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024 Thursday after realizing neither of them really wanted to be president. The two candidates, who had been bitter enemies along the...Read more...
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on (#6NQYB)
BALTIMORE-Vowing to eventually address the hooligan, relaxed Orioles security guard Rob McKenzie told reporters Monday that his crew would get around to removing a fan from the field in another inning or so. Eh, he's not hurting anyone, so what's another inning or two of him sprinting around the diamond?" said...Read more...
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on (#6NPH2)
Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry (R) signed a new law ordering that a poster-sized display of the Ten Commandments must be hung in every state classroom under the argument that they are foundational documents of our state and national government." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NPGH)
NEW YORK-As extreme heat continued to batter states across much of the Midwest and East Coast, authorities warned Friday that dozens of Americans had died in what's really the least of the nation's problems right now. We've seen numerous elderly citizens expire in what is, ultimately, a pretty minuscule part of...Read more...
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on (#6NP6J)
The House Ethics Committee, which has a long-running investigation into the conduct of Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), announced it is now also considering allegations of sexual misconduct and illicit drug use in addition to previous claims that he accepted improper gifts and sought to obstruct government investigations. What...Read more...
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on (#6NP63)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-Claiming the move would empower women to take control of their bodies, the Florida Legislature passed a new law Friday that allows cesarean sections to be performed by any machete-wielding lunatic. Starting today, women in Florida will no longer have to go through the traditional red tape and can...Read more...
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on (#6NP64)
LOS ANGELES-Showing off his new accent Friday during the press tour for the film, Austin Butler has reportedly been unable to stop making revving noises since starring in The Bikeriders. Brmm, brmm, brmm, brmm, brmm, brmm, brmm," said the 32-year-old Hollywood actor, whose speech was inflected with a rumbling sound...Read more...
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on (#6NNRP)
Pop star Justin Timberlake, 43, was charged with one count of driving while intoxicated after failing to stop at a stop sign and veering outside his lane of travel in Sag Harbor, NY, with the singer telling the police he had one martini and I followed my friends home." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NNB4)
PHILADELPHIA-Noting that the quiet, intense individual clearly came to win, locals at Gelman's Tap reported Wednesday that a foreign guy was slamming Diet Cokes and dominating the pool table. I'm not exactly sure who that guy is, but he doesn't speak much English, he got here exactly when the place opened at six, and...Read more...
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on (#6NNB5)
WASHINGTON-Sounding the alarm that a cosmic bird of prey had clamped its talons onto the planet, NASA warned Thursday that a space hawk had swooped in and picked up the Earth for its nest of hungry space chicks. We are on high alert after our satellite imaging confirmed that a quite sizable space hawk has in fact...Read more...
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on (#6NMK5)
WESTERVILLE, OH-Following a ribbon-cutting ceremony and a thunderous round of applause from the thousands of ticket holders lined up to be among the first in line for its rides, the long-awaited Elmer's Super Sticky Glue Park officially opened to the public Wednesday. Who's going to ride Paste Mountain today?" said...Read more...
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on (#6NMK6)
WASHINGTON-Providing intimate insight into the digestive tracts of some of the most prominent lawmakers in our nation's history, a new Library of Congress exhibit opening Wednesday features items removed from the stomachs of deceased U.S. senators. We're excited for visitors to see the strange and exciting objects...Read more...
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on (#6NM04)
U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy has called for warning labels on social media platforms similar to those on tobacco or alcohol, stating that social media preys on developing brains and contributes to excessive use. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NK0V)
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito and his wife, Martha-Ann, recently came under fire when it was revealed they had flown an upside-down American flag at a time when this was known to be a symbol of the Stop the Steal" movement. Here's a look into how the high-ranking judge and his spouse spend their days.
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on (#6NJT4)
WASHINGTON-Facing backlash from the public as well as prominent donors, the Smithsonian Institution was reportedly under fire Monday for its collection of Nazi memorabilia. I've made financial contributions to the Smithsonian for years, but after finding out about some of the hideous and horrifying pieces inside the...Read more...
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on (#6NHCA)
EL PASO, TX-Recalling the difficulty she once had standing up straight as she carried her textbooks and supplies from class to class, local 11-year-old Mia Bridgemeyer told reporters Friday that her pregnant belly was really helping her balance the weight of her 20-pound backpack. Before, I was always hunched over...Read more...
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on (#6NDMT)
A woman claiming to be the inspiration for the character Martha in the hit Netflix series Baby Reindeer, a drama about a Scottish writer Richard Gadd's personal experience of being allegedly stalked, sued the company for defamation. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6NA3S)
Claudia Sheinbaum, an environmental scientist and former mayor of Mexico City, was overwhelmingly elected Mexico's first female president, a historic milestone in a country rife with gender-based violence and a strong culture of machismo. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N8CJ)
As you step through the threshold of this charming starter home, be prepared to confront the echoes of past transgressions and the shadows of remorse. Each of the fully furnished rooms resonates with the cries of the damned. Price negotiable.Read more...
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on (#6N88S)
A man in Michigan who was charged with driving with a suspended license joined a Zoom call for his court hearing about those charges while apparently behind the wheel of a car, prompting the judge to revoke his bond and order that he turn himself in at the county jail. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N88T)
NEW YORK-Baffled by the woman's sway over her millions of acolytes, sources confirmed Monday that local cult leader Taylor Swift, 34, was not even charismatic. Typically, the cult leaders I study are highly persuasive individuals with magnetic personalities-Ms. Swift, however, presents a unique case," said cult...Read more...
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on (#6N701)
Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts of falsifying documents to cover up a hush money payment to a porn star during the 2016 election, becoming the first former U.S. president to be convicted of a felony. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N6ZF)
MINNEAPOLIS-Condemning the father for resorting to such a harsh and outdated treatment for an innocent front-of-house worker, patrons at the Culpepper Cafe told reporters Friday they were disgusted to see a parent spanking his crying busboy like that. Jeez, just because he takes away your nacho platter before you're...Read more...
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on (#6N6XN)
PALM BEACH, FL-Finding his mind was simply elsewhere, a sulking Donald Trump was totally unable to enjoy an advanced screening of Bad Boys: Ride or Die, sources close to the former president confirmed Friday. According to reports, the 45th president's voice was flat and barely audible as he halfheartedly muttered,...Read more...
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on (#6N6FS)
Two Chinese giant pandas, Bao Li and Qing Bao, are set to arrive in at the Smithsonian's National Zoo in D.C. later this year, a result of a new agreement signed with the China Wildlife Conservation Association and the latest trade in what's been called panda diplomacy" between the U.S. and China. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N62F)
LAS VEGAS-Promising to take the first few rounds really slow for anybody who still needed to get their bearings, entrants in the World Series of Poker reportedly began the tournament this week by playing a full hand face-up so everyone could learn the rules. Okay, show of hands-how many of you have played poker...Read more...
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on (#6N5ZK)
A new Louisiana law will criminalize going within 25 feet of any police officer engaged in law enforcement duties" if an order is issued to stand back, with opponents of the law saying that the measure will hinder the public's ability to record officers' actions and hold them accountable. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N5SF)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-Calling it a breakthrough product for anyone not wishing to become pregnant, medical technology giant Johnson & Johnson announced plans Thursday to bring to market a hormone-free IUD that wards off sperm with a steady emission of police-grade pepper spray. For years, patients have been able to...Read more...
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on (#6N57M)
Pope Francis has apologized for using a derogatory term about gay men in a discussion with Italian bishops during which he reaffirmed the Catholic Church's ban on gay priests, a policy that stands at odds with previous statements that there is room for everyone in the Catholic church. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N1MG)
SILVER SPRING, MD-In an effort to gain insight into the food product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Friday it had recalled 50 million pounds of ground meat just to see what that much ground meat would look like in one room. Effective immediately, we're issuing a recall on any ground meat produced in...Read more...
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on (#6N0PJ)
A woman was arrested for living in the roof sign of a Michigan grocery store after being found by contract workers who followed an extension cord to the hideout where she had been living for the last year, where she had set up her coffee maker, computer, and bed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MYYW)
INDIANAPOLIS-Whipping his head around in a double take, local man Dean Wilson was reportedly starstruck Tuesday after spotting Caitlin Clark with her Indiana Fever teammates at the Greyhound bus station. Wow, it's a good thing I snapped a photo of her at the vending machine, or else no one would have believed me,"...Read more...
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on (#6MYYV)
NEW YORK-Seeing the two men's gazes lock for a split second before one quickly lowered his head, sources confirmed Tuesday that Donald Trump quietly avoided eye contact with Rudy Giuliani on the steps of the courthouse where his disgraced former personal attorney and campaign lawyer was begging for change. Spare a...Read more...
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on (#6MY70)
SPRINGFIELD, IL-Saying he planned to make the most of his time away from work, local man Ryan Gehring confirmed Monday that he would be taking a much-needed paternity leave to focus on himself. Between my job and becoming a new parent, I've been under a lot of stress, so paternity leave should be a great opportunity...Read more...
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