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on (#6HQAV)
WILMETTE, IL-Telling the child not to peek as they walked into the backyard, local wealthy man Kenneth Schweitz reportedly surprised his son Tuesday with a tree house that the young boy could Airbnb for passive income. It's time you got your own little space that can be rented out for short-term stays and used to...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 12:00 |
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on (#6HQ3H)
Headed to trial this week for alleged mismanagement and misappropriation of funds, Wayne LaPierre announced he was resigning as the National Rifle Association's CEO. The Onion asked gun owners what they thought about LaPierre stepping down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HQ3J)
WASHINGTON-Issuing a blanket recommendation for meat, poultry, seafood, and eggs, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that the best way to ensure food has been heated to a safe temperature is to stick a finger down into the middle to see if it's still cold. Pushing a bare index finger into the cooked...Read more...
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on (#6HPCV)
WASHINGTON-Declining to alert senior officials to his interment for nearly a week, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin failed to disclose that he had been buried at Arlington National Cemetery, reports confirmed Monday. I would like to apologize for not informing those in the White House, Congress, and the Pentagon that I...Read more...
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on (#6HPCW)
Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HPCX)
LOS ANGELES-In an exclusive interview with podcast host Jay Shetty, former first lady Michelle Obama stated Monday that she was terrified" what could happen in 2024 if Pennywise the Clown came back. We cannot and we must not take the Ritual of Chud for granted," said Obama, who responded to Shetty's question...Read more...
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on (#6HP96)
Full article.Read more...
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on (#6HP97)
Defendant Deobra Delone Redden, 30, was in court to defend himself against charges of federal battery with a baseball bat when he leaped over a defense table and the judge's bench, attacking Judge Mary Kay Holthus and inciting a brawl. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HP49)
Pundits suggest President Biden faces a steep uphill battle to retain the White House, with polls showing a stubbornly low approval rating and widespread doubts about his ability to handle the economy. The Onion asked Americans what Biden has to do to earn their vote, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HP4A)
WASHINGTON-Approving the bill by a significant margin, both houses of Congress voted Monday in favor of reducing Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits to one free treat per year to be given to each recipient on their birthday. In an effort to rein in runaway spending on this program for impoverished...Read more...
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on (#6HMF6)
A House Oversight committee report titled White House For Sale" found evidence that former Donald Trump's businesses received millions of dollars from foreign entities in 20 different countries during the time that he was president, including China and Saudi Arabia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HMCV)
After a difficult few years as the industry struggled to emerge from the pandemic and several strikes, films appear poised for a major comeback in 2024. Here are the picks of The Onion's cultural editors for the coming year's hottest movies.Read more...
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on (#6HHHM)
TROY, MI-Infiltrating her mind, body, and spirit, dark, mysterious forces reportedly compelled local woman Celina Carini to work out Tuesday to the High School Musical 2 soundtrack. Extremely disturbed sources confirmed that chills ran down their spines as they observed Carini step onto a treadmill at the gym, open...Read more...
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on (#6HGXV)
In a move that reignited tensions between conservationists who advocate for a balanced ecosystem and livestock farmers who see the new additions as a threat, five gray wolves were released into the wild in Colorado in an effort to restore the predator population there, the first time this has been done since...Read more...
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on (#6HGXW)
WASHINGTON-Using his platform to plead for Americans to lend him a hand, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Monday while hanging from a branch on the side of a cliff. Our democracy has never before hung in the balance more than it has at this moment when I am in danger of plummeting 50 feet to those sharp rocks...Read more...
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on (#6HGXX)
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA-Sighing as she shoved the journal back under their daughter's mattress, local woman Lori Trent reported Monday that her child's diary was completely devoid of any useful dirt on her soon-to-be ex-husband. Great, I spent all afternoon reading that drivel for absolutely no reason," said the...Read more...
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on (#6HGWJ)
Despite his terrifying grin and dead-eyed stare, internet personality MrBeast has over 218 million subscribers on YouTube alone. The Onion asked his teenage boy fan base why they idolize him, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HFBH)
RACINE, WI-As part of an effort to take the happy-go-lucky bathroom-cleaning characters in a darker direction, Scrubbing Bubbles announced Friday that it had rebranded its namesake mascots, envisioning them anew as horny bad boy grime fighters. These streetwise and sexy new Scrubbing Bubbles play by their own rules...Read more...
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on (#6HF79)
With the new year fast approaching, many Americans are contemplating what changes they'd like to make to their lives in 2024. What are your new year's resolutions?Read more...
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on (#6HEKQ)
WASHINGTON-After a vagrant emerged from the darkness along the highway and beckoned toward the vehicles with his wickedly sharp blade, President Joe Biden directed his motorcade to pullover and pick up a blood-soaked hitchhiker, sources reported Thursday. Wow, that poor guy with the meat cleaver sure looks like he...Read more...
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on (#6HEHZ)
A study published in Science which tracked the hormone levels of 185 female chimpanzees suggests that our closest DNA relatives also go through menopause, a rare condition in the animal kingdom that was previously thought to only be experienced by humans and some species of whales. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HEG4)
NASHUA, NH-Looking over his shoulder to make sure no one else copped his find, local thrifter Brian Gresbaum told reporters Thursday he had struck gold with a vintage Amazon Essentials jacket from 2021. Oh my god, there's no way this is an authentic Amazon Essential soft-shell jacket from their fall 2021 collection,"...Read more...
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on (#6HEG7)
As if Elon Musk hadn't killed enough people with self-driving Teslas, the billionaire boy genius has now received approval to begin killing humans with Neuralink implants. The Onion asked fanboys why they are allowing Elon Musk to shove chips directly into their brains, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HDS7)
SAN FRANCISCO-Joining a plethora of similar subscription boxes already on the market, a new service called BradBox ships customers 10 items every month that company founder and CEO Brad Lazarow has around his home but no longer wants. There's no theme and no thought put into it-just 10 things the CEO found under his...Read more...
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on (#6H8GE)
The libs have ruined everything from beer to sex, and they are determined to ruin Christmas too. The following are woke gifts you should never buy for your patriotic relatives.Read more...
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on (#6H7GK)
FOXBOROUGH, MA-Noting that whatever was happening to the injured New England Patriots player could not be good, several witnesses at Gillette Stadium reported Sunday that they saw the silhouette of a chainsaw and a blowtorch through the NFL injury tent. I'm not exactly sure what's going on in there, but every so...Read more...
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on (#6H5PY)
Simon Paul and Travis John Branson were indicted for allegedly killing an estimated 3,600 birds in Montana, including federally protected bald eagles, the pair selling the feathers on the black market. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6H4RB)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Worrying about whether the relative stranger sharing her table for two would judge her for it, local woman Sarah Dougherty is said to have wondered Thursday if a first date was too soon to be taking home leftovers. This is something I almost never do, but what the hell, why not?" Dougherty reportedly...Read more...
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on (#6H3TV)
Having sensitive or confidential information exposed can be disastrous, and celebrities often take precautions. The Onion asked famous people to explain why they have their sex partners sign NDAs.Read more...
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on (#6H03X)
When asked whether he would use a second term to abuse power, to break the law, to use the government to go after people" during a Fox News town hall, former president Donald Trump said that he would only be a dictator on Day One" if elected next year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6H022)
WASHINGTON-In an emotional appeal to voters, the Biden reelection campaign released a new ad Friday showing the candidate eating all alone at an Olive Garden restaurant. Shot in stark lighting with a melancholy orchestral score, the 60-second spot features the president sitting by himself at a table that could have...Read more...
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on (#6H023)
SHEBOYGAN, WI-Squinting as she braced herself to face the sharp winter gale head-on, local sturdy Midwestern gal Angie Czajkowski reportedly shielded the rest of the nation from a strong gust of wind Friday. According to all 335 million Americans huddled behind the burly 5-foot-4 woman, Czajkowski used her big, broad...Read more...
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on (#6H024)
LOS ANGELES-With space and time ceasing to exist amid the actor's cries of Too old! Too old! They're all too old," Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly tore apart the fabric of the universe Friday when he attempted to have sex with a girl who had not yet been born. My desires will at long last be fulfilled when I'm sleeping...Read more...
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on (#6GZMD)
Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who was ousted as House speaker earlier this year, announced he will resign from office at the end of this month. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GZHY)
TUSCALOOSA, AL-Running around the stage in an effort to corner the unnamed individual, presidential candidates spent the fourth GOP primary debate Wednesday evening attempting to hog-tie a greased-up nude man who reportedly represented the woke mind virus. It takes a strong woman to catch a nude, greased-up man,"...Read more...
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on (#6GZH7)
HOUSTON-Hailing the discovery as a major milestone in interplanetary exploration, NASA administrator Bill Nelson announced Thursday that the agency had found strong evidence of red on Mars. After careful analysis of the Martian soil collected by the Perseverance rover, we believe we've found very large deposits of...Read more...
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on (#6GZ6B)
After a string of box office flops including The Marvels and Wish, Disney CEO Bob Iger has fully committed himself to revitalizing the studio. As a creative visionary in his own right, Iger has stated he'll improve Disney movies by doing the following.Read more...
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on (#6GZ6C)
ATLANTA-Touting the item as a must-have for seasonal lawn decoration enthusiasts, Home Depot confirmed Thursday that it had begun sales of a new 12-foot-tall baby Jesus skeleton just in time for the holidays. As He towers above the Nativity scene, sometimes clutching a shepherd or wise man in His giant Christ Child...Read more...
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on (#6GZ4B)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In what experts are calling the clearest marker yet of fiscal well-being, the National Bureau of Economic Research released a new report Thursday that confirmed the top indicator of an individual's financial stability was walking around in the back of a restaurant kitchen in a suit. The data clearly...Read more...
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