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on (#6FVQE)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Having obtained a vital piece of intelligence that could prove critical to the United States in its war on terror, astronomers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Wednesday the discovery of a distant exoplanet that is capable of harboring terrorists. After carefully analyzing the...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 05:00 |
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on (#6FVDZ)
OLYMPIA, WA-Noting that it would be the perfect opportunity to practice shading, color, and light, local courtroom artist Allen Jansen told reporters Wednesday that he hoped his next defendant was a bowl of fruit. I'll be honest, the figure work is great and all, but I'd give anything for the bailiff to escort a...Read more...
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on (#6FTHB)
Following a number of controversial revelations in the book, The Onion asked fans what they thought about the Britney Spears' tell-all memoir, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FTHC)
SAG-AFTRA issued new guidance for strike-friendly" Halloween costumes, advising its members to dress up as generalized characters, such as zombies and spiders, over specific characters featured in content from companies the union is striking against. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FT1Y)
As one of the biggest victims of persecution in her own mind, author J.K. Rowling recently announced how far she would be willing to go to protect her anti-trans views, and this is what she said.Read more...
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on (#6FSQY)
KHAN YUNIS, GAZA-Having enjoyed a much-needed break from the constant coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, local Gazan Amir Najjar told reporters Monday he felt refreshed after taking the weekend to unplug from the news. Seeing all these videos of bombs killing innocent people can be stressful, so to clear...Read more...
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on (#6FSQZ)
With incels across the country growing increasingly lonely and pathetic, The Onion asked men to explain why they prefer AI girlfriends, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FSN4)
JASONVILLE, IN-Not wanting to miss out on the huge moneymaking opportunity, local Airbnb host Keith Lowery told reporters Monday he had jacked up the price on his listing in case the upcoming annual Spooktacular event at his town's library brought in tourists. There's bobbing for apples and a design-your-own paper...Read more...
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on (#6FSJY)
CHARLOTTE, SC-Alerting the public to the deal of the century," sources confirmed Monday that a number of free dead bodies buried underground were seemingly there for the taking. None of these headstones have price tags, so I'm guessing they're just giving away these corpses," said bargain hunter Lewis Scheer,...Read more...
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on (#6FSJZ)
California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) signed a bill into law that legalizes lowrider cruising, a cultural and artistic tradition of customizing cars with a lowered body developed by Latinos living in the state, ending a decades-long ban on the popular pastime. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FSK1)
KANSAS CITY, MO-In an effort to rally his teammates, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly delivered an inspiring halftime speech Sunday about what sex with Taylor Swift was like. We were all sitting there feeling weary, and Travis could tell, so he just stood up and started telling us what it's like...Read more...
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on (#6FR53)
In a controversial opinion piece penned for The New York Times, acclaimed film director Martin Scorcese argued that Marvel movies cannot be classified as cinema. The Onion asked fans of the action movie franchise what they thought of Scorcese's latest film, Killers Of The Flower Moon, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FR2P)
A Polish-Canadian man has been convicted for projecting Ann [sic] Frank invented the ballpoint pen" onto the Anne Frank House museum, the message alluding to an antisemitic conspiracy theory that the famed diary was a forgery. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FR26)
LOS ANGELES-Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. Sometimes I'll show up to a gathering with friends and...Read more...
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on (#6FQZ0)
CHICAGO-Saying she apparently believes she grew up close enough to the city to count it as her hometown, acquaintances of Lucy Paden, a woman who claims she is from Chicago, confirmed Friday the 31-year-old is actually from a magical fantasy land hidden inside an enchanted wardrobe. I guess she just figures it's...Read more...
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on (#6FQWM)
IRVINE, CA-Appearing taken aback as the man's behavior only got worse, sources confirmed Friday that local father Russell Shaffer was being rude to his wife Elisa Shaffer in front of her sisters and everything. Man, he's barely even playing it off as a joke," said the alarmed sources, who noted that the dad's...Read more...
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on (#6FQPJ)
BOSTON-Expressing his frustration with the franchise's 1-5 start, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters Friday that he wishes there were somewhere he could go to relieve the tensions of the team's season. This season has gone from bad to worse, and I only wish there were some way I could get some...Read more...
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on (#6FQMY)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to provide an exclusive peek at what happens behind the scenes in the Oval Office, a White House tour group reportedly shrunk down to molecular size Friday for a journey into President Joe Biden's body. We don't usually do this, but as a little treat, let's duck into the president's...Read more...
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on (#6FQ3M)
WASHINGTON-Upon returning from his brief diplomatic trip to the Middle East, President Joe Biden urged the nation Thursday not to let dangerous online rhetoric humanize Palestinians. As the war between Israel and Hamas rages on, I urge my fellow Americans to remain vigilant, and not fall for any false propaganda that...Read more...
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on (#6FQ2Z)
BOSTON-Amid the continued popularity of clothing retailers like Shein and H&M, a new report published Thursday by the Boston University School of Public Health found that nearly 90% of fast fashion items end up wasted on people who can't pull off the look. We're finding that the vast majority of cheap, unsustainably...Read more...
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on (#6FP9C)
GAZA CITY, GAZA-Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror. Sources claim to have unequivocal proof that you, dear reader,...Read more...
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on (#6FNZF)
ATLANTA-Providing a sense of hope about the gun violence epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new study Wednesday that found there were still a bunch of kids in the United States who had not been shot yet. We reviewed the data, and yeah, it turns out there's a ton of kids who've never...Read more...
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on (#6FNPY)
Following an attack in which Hamas killed more than 1,200 Israelis and took an estimated 199 hostage, Israel has retaliated by killing thousands of Palestinians; cutting off water, fuel, and electricity; and ordering over 1.1 million citizens to evacuate from North Gaza. Amid the violence, death, and countless...Read more...
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on (#6FNPZ)
CHICAGO-Stressing that there was no reason to put themselves before the harried-looking jet, helpful passengers standing in line for the Transportation Security Administration checkpoint at O'Hare International Airport reportedly let an airplane skip ahead of them Wednesday in an effort to help it make its flight....Read more...
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on (#6FN08)
Joe Biden has strongly insisted that the U.S., the most powerful nation in the history of the world," can back two wars in Israel and Ukraine at the same time as the conflict in the Middle East continues to deepen. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FMWJ)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Forced to defend their decision to sell Black people in such a problematic location, local white couple Nate and Caroline Harper faced criticism Tuesday for choosing a former plantation as the venue for their slave auction. I know it's considered a bit controversial these days, but ever since I was a...Read more...
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on (#6FMWK)
GRAPEVINE, TX-Having not left the vehicle's grill since they met, local pet dog Duke has formed an unlikely friendship with an oncoming pickup truck, sources reported Tuesday. Aw, whoever would have thought a 5,000-pound F-150 going 90 miles per hour and an adorable little puppy would become so close?" said onlooker...Read more...
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on (#6FMQA)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to make a deal following a new indictment accusing her and her husband of conspiring to act as foreign agents, Nadine Menendez, wife of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), reportedly offered to hit anyone with her car Tuesday in exchange for having the charges dropped. If you have a journalist who's...Read more...
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on (#6FKZV)
On October 7, Hamas launched violent attacks on Israel, and Israel has since responded with violent attacks on the Gaza Strip, a bloody escalation of a conflict that has persisted for generations. The Onion tells you what you need to know about what's happening in Israel and Gaza.
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on (#6FKP4)
While claiming to be isolationists and against intervention abroad, America First" conservatives have endorsed air strikes on Gaza. The Onion asked America First" Republicans to explain why they support Israel's military, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FKP5)
BOSTON-Apologizing to his tenant for circumstances that were beyond his control, local landlord Eddie Turley was reportedly forced Monday to raise the rent due to thinking of a bigger number. You can re-sign your lease, but I have to raise it by $250 a month because I realized there was a bigger number your rent...Read more...
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on (#6FKMX)
A recent study found that a shocking 41% of fast-food restaurant soda fountains were contaminated with some of the deadliest superbug" germs known to science, including antibiotic-resistant Pseudomonas aeruginosa and Campylobacter jejuni. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6FJ64)
According to a new indictment, embattled Rep. George Santos (R-NY) stole the identities of campaign donors and used their credit cards to ring up tens of thousands of dollars in unauthorized charges. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FJ2Z)
GAZA CITY, GAZA-The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0Z)
NEW YORK-Expressing a deep sense of relief upon learning that one of the most persistent and insidious prejudices in human history was not real, local Jewish man Dan Applebaum was reportedly reassured Friday after being told antisemitism doesn't exist. Wow, this is a huge weight off my chest," Applebaum said...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0D)
SEATTLE-Grabbing the wrists and shoulders of the artist's loyal fans, security personnel working the opening weekend of Taylor Swift's new concert film were reportedly roughing up theatergoers Friday for getting too close to the screen. Miss, I'm going to need you to take a step back," said one guard hired for...Read more...
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on (#6FJ0C)
WASHINGTON-Hoping to bring all sides of the issue together, moderate politician Rep. Martin Danforth (D-OH) told reporters Friday that he believed Israel should only kill half of the Palestinians. This war is a complex issue with valid points across the ideological spectrum, which is why it's imperative that cooler...Read more...
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on (#6FHPC)
128 Grazer, a female brown bear described as boasting a combination of skill and toughness," was crowned the winner of Fat Bear Week, the annual competition to see which Alaskan bears can pack on the most pounds before hibernation season. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FHNV)
CHICAGO-Scanning the public transit vehicle for even one superficially healthy passenger, local man Will Ossers reportedly searched a crowded bus Friday for the least-wounded person to sit next to. Hmm, would I rather sit next to someone with skin lesions or with a bloody gash on their forehead?" Ossers said as he...Read more...
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on (#6FGPJ)
ITHACA, NY-In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who...Read more...
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on (#6FGPP)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to treat fans of the recently revived sitcom, Paramount+ announced Thursday it was releasing all 432 episodes of the Frasier reboot at once. For any viewers excited to see what Freddy, Lilith, and a certain incorrigible psychiatrist have been up to over the past 20 years, Paramount+ is proud...Read more...
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