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on (#6KV0P)
PARIS-In what has been hailed as a breakthrough in how one must confront the sheer nothingness that pervades all being, existential researchers at the College international de philosophie announced Thursday that they had taught a rat to run forever through an exitless maze. Our team has successfully ascertained...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 05:00 |
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on (#6KV0Q)
STUTTGART, GERMANY-Remarking upon the plaza's historic architecture and many cultural wonders, local European Klaus Becker told reporters Thursday that he enjoyed the city centre. Perhaps the best part is how walkable the city centre is!" said a visibly delighted Becker, noting that it was also the perfect place to...Read more...
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on (#6KV0R)
VATICAN CITY-Stressing that His good moods never tended to last long, Pope Francis encouraged Catholics on Thursday to ask for what they wanted now while God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, was in high spirits. Whether you're praying to Him for a promotion at work or to help shepherd a loved one through a...Read more...
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on (#6KTHM)
Eight passengers on a Norwegian cruise, including a pregnant woman, a paraplegic traveler, and an 80-year-old who had been receiving emergency medical treatment at port, were not permitted back aboard the still-docked ship because they were late, leaving them to travel through six countries over land trying to meet...Read more...
on (#6KT4N)
A study found that cognitive tests issued via a phone app were able to accurately detect early-onset dementia in high-risk individuals, even when they were not yet displaying outward symptoms, providing a possible alternative to help identify the underdiagnosed illness. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KT47)
BETHANY BEACH, DE-As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard," said Morby, noting how difficult it...Read more...
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on (#6KSNE)
Both 13- and 17-year cicadas are due to emerge simultaneously this year for the first time since 1803, with an estimated 1 million cicadas per acre across 16 states coming out of diapause this spring. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KSA2)
Donald Trump recently announced on Truth Social that he has teamed up with country music artist Lee Greenwood to sell a custom God Bless The USA" Bible for $59.99. Here is everything we know about the bespoke religious text that the former president is hawking.Read more...
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on (#6KS7Z)
EUREKA SPRINGS, AR-Watching the soy boy miss out on countless opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local beta male on a date didn't even try to murder the woman. Is this limp-dicked cuck gonna strangle that chick or what?" said nearby observer Jason Lindell, noting that the effete half-male hadn't once...Read more...
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on (#6KRHQ)
JANESVILLE, WI-A monetary wunderkind who has amassed a level of wealth the average American can only dream of, local finance whiz Jason Reed has over $300 in his bank account, sources confirmed Monday. That's not just $300 on paper-that's 300 bucks, free and clear, in a checking account at Chase," said a person close...Read more...
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on (#6KRHS)
Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated.Read more...
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on (#6KPCN)
Adjusting for inflation, the United States has sent around $300 billion in economic and military support to Israel since its founding in 1948. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind this staggering level of aid.Read more...
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on (#6KKF7)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study released by the National Research Council on Monday, the majority of Americans no longer have the energy required to stand while brushing their teeth. Exhausted from the stress of being alive, more than half of U.S. residents now lack the vigor and zeal a person needs to remain on...Read more...
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on (#6KGSD)
LYNCHBURG, TN-Saying the spirit had been blended with construction workers, farmers, and airline pilots in mind, distiller Jack Daniel's unveiled a new whiskey Thursday designed to be consumed while operating heavy machinery. Whether it's a forklift, dump truck, or crane, nothing lightens the load of handling large...Read more...
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on (#6KGSE)
DAYTON, OH-While greeting the crowd at a campaign rally Thursday, former President Donald Trump was seen kissing a supporter's burger, according to sources in attendance. Well, who's this juicy little guy?" asked the GOP presidential candidate, who then reportedly lifted up the fully loaded flame-broiled beef...Read more...
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on (#6KGRC)
Marion Island off the coast of South Africa has been overrun by mice that have begun to eat seabirds and other endangered wildlife, prompting conservationists to launch the Mouse-Free Marion project, which will drop rodent poison from helicopters to completely eradicate them. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6KGBF)
Sex offender Nicholas Hawkes became England's first convicted cyberflasher and was sentenced to 66 months in prison after sending unsolicited photos of his genitals to women who took screenshots and reported him to the police. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KGBG)
SANTA MONICA, CA-Backed by nearly $50 million from investors, a new streaming service launched Wednesday that exclusively features television episodes that have been removed from other platforms because a character appears in blackface. We are proud to introduce Minstrl, the premiere destination for modern...Read more...
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on (#6KFVA)
MUSKEGON, MI-Letting out an emphatic sigh as the boy began crying, local dad Harry Moran reportedly lost his patience Wednesday after providing his child with several continuous seconds of emotional support. Oh, come on, are we still talking about this? I just said I was proud of you, for God's sake!" the 44-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6KFVB)
Test your knowledge of the British monarchy with our royal family quiz.Read more...
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on (#6KFVC)
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA-Admitting that no one had the heart to correct her at this point in her life, local woman Theresa Frasier told reporters Wednesday that everyone on her 72-year-old mother's hall pass" list was dead. Sadly, every celebrity crush my mom was able to name passed away not just years, but decades ago,"...Read more...
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on (#6KEZY)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Admitting it was the only way she could accomplish anything lately, local woman Kelley Lawrence reported Friday that she tended to do her best creative thinking when backed into a corner with her livelihood at stake. The only time inspiration strikes these days is when I'm faced with losing my home...Read more...
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on (#6KEZZ)
WASHINGTON-Concluding that it had found no clear reason to doubt the veracity of such emails, texts, and direct messages, the Federal Communications Commission announced Tuesday that all messages it had seen offering free iPads seemed pretty legit. Usually there are only a few typos, and it all seems above board;...Read more...
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on (#6KEXF)
Boeing's reputation has suffered serious damage following several high-profile equipment failures, including a door panel detaching during an Alaska Airlines flight. The Onion asked Boeing employees whether they would fly in a Boeing aircraft, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6KEXG)
HOUSTON-Laughing and smiling the whole night as they bonded over Emily Barkan's flaws, local couple Jay and Brenda Barkan were reportedly really hitting it off with their daughter's emotionally abusive boyfriend this week. Andrew is such a gentleman-I was about to suggest Emily stick to salad tonight, but then he...Read more...
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on (#6KEEV)
LAS VEGAS-Now in the eighth year of his long-term residency at the resort, pop star Bruno Mars reportedly owes the Park MGM $50 million after having assumed since 2016 that the casino cocktails were complimentary. They're supposed to be free, right-at least while you're gambling?" asked the Uptown Funk" singer,...Read more...
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on (#6KEEC)
DORADO, PUERTO RICO-In response to a training video that the six-time former heavyweight champion posted in anticipation of their match, Jake Paul announced Monday that he was bringing a gun with him to fight Mike Tyson. This July, when I fight Mike Tyson, I will come to the arena with a loaded firearm," the...Read more...
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on (#6KE30)
DURHAM, NC-After stressing that she preferred to wait until the third date, local prudish woman Sophia Thomas reportedly declined Monday to bear local man Alex Campbell's children on their first date. What do you mean you don't feel comfortable propagating my bloodline after only knowing me for a few hours?" said...Read more...
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on (#6KE1S)
BALTIMORE-Harnessing the power of AI to tailor suggestions to users' one-of-a-kind tastes, the Amazon Prime Video streaming algorithm recommended local man Doug Guzik, 41, a bunch of man movies, sources confirmed Monday. Oh nice, they have The Revengalizer," said Guzik, who sat on the couch with his brow furrowed in...Read more...
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on (#6KE1V)
MARYVILLE, TN-Noting a marked shift in vibe, local dog Bailey confirmed Monday that he felt like everyone was looking at him differently ever since he swallowed a chipmunk whole. I don't know why, but it just seems like ever since I downed that chipmunk in one bite everyone has been super weird with me," said the...Read more...
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on (#6KCJF)
LONDON-In a scandal of historic proportions that forced the royal family to issue an apology to those upset by the image, Buckingham Palace came under fire Friday for not altering a photograph of King Charles III enough before releasing it to the public. Under close inspection, it appears the grotesque face of...Read more...
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on (#6KBQM)
A Nebraska woman was arrested for double-swiping her gas rewards card for months, taking advantage of a glitch that allowed her to get almost $28,000 worth of gas for free. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KBM1)
FLORHAM PARK, NJ-Revealing that he had taken time to reflect on the dangerous and harmful conspiracy theories that he had spread about the tragic mass shooting, backpedaling Aaron Rogers met with the parents of Sandy Hook victims Thursday to brag about how fast his Achilles healed. It's' been a long, hard road since...Read more...
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on (#6KBM2)
CLEVELAND-Attempting to draw in passersby with that rarest leaf from faraway lands, a new dispensary opened in the area Thursday, promising customers a tantalizing taste of the forbidden fruit that is marijuana. O, could it be? A merchant whose wares are that seductive and most taboo of herbs?" said local man Jason...Read more...
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on (#6KB9W)
SISSETON, SD-Following an enunciation that emphasized each syllable of the word peekaboo," sources looking through an empty paper towel roll announced Thursday that they see you. I spy with my little eye...someone who is you!" said the squinting sources, who later repeated the phrase I see you" with the paper towel...Read more...
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on (#6KB9X)
While real, lasting love is only possible between blood relatives, some blended families pretend to make it work. If you are the stepparent to a stepchild, here are the things you should never say.
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on (#6K9DZ)
Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, access to safe, legal, and effective reproductive care has become more confusing than ever in the United States. The following are the most frequently googled questions about abortion in America.Read more...
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on (#6K9DE)
ELMHURST, IL-Mesmerized by the distinct aura of the suburban bar patron, sources reported Tuesday that local woman Katrina Wollack, 53, was a different kind of drunk. It's a sadder kind of drunk, but also sloppier-she's much louder too," said one of the sources, who confirmed they were unable to take their eyes off...Read more...
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on (#6K8TR)
PALM BEACH, FL-Telling reporters about his revamped beauty routine as he lavished praise upon the social media platform he once tried to ban as president, a Vaseline-covered Donald Trump publicly reversed his stance on TikTok Monday after getting really into skincare. You can't get rid of TikTok...Read more...
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on (#6K8EG)
Fed up with scrolling through endless photos and going on fruitless first dates, many Gen Zers are deleting their profiles and trying to meet people outside dating apps. Here are some of their strategies for finding potential partners in real life.Read more...
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on (#6K8C0)
TACOMA, WA-Saying Sure, man, let's do it" in response to the suggestion he select a model that cost $750 more, local insecure prick Brent Linsky was immediately talked into an upgrade Monday, according to sources at an area Best Buy. I'm definitely planning on having a lot of friends over, so if you think the...Read more...
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on (#6K8C1)
THE HEAVENS-Emphasizing His Eternal Kingdom's infinite supply of prime real estate just waiting to be developed," the Lord God Almighty announced plans Monday to bulldoze heaven and build luxury condominiums. Soon we will begin demolition on the starry firmament and break ground on exclusive, state-of-the art...Read more...
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on (#6K8BH)
The annual switch from standard time to daylight saving time yesterday renewed debate about the potential harms of switching the clock twice per year, such as increases in car crashes, hospital visits, and heart attacks in the week after the change. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K6X3)
Internet personality turned prizefighter Jake Paul, 27, will box former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, 57, in a match that will be streamed on Netflix in July. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K6X4)
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK-In what the pharmaceutical company hailed as a major breakthrough in weight management, Ozempic maker Novo Nordisk triumphantly announced a new drug Friday that makes obese people disappear entirely. Although our previous treatment could significantly reduce the patient's BMI, what we're talking...Read more...
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