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on (#6PE23)
GRAND RAPIDS, MI-Addressing supporters at his latest rally, former President Donald Trump vowed over the weekend to unite the nation against the common enemy of other Americans. We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans," said the Republican presidential nominee, who reportedly spoke...Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 11:15 |
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on (#6PDAW)
SAN FRANCISCO-As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. It is with a heavy heart that I share today the news of an accidental fire that has reduced to ash the...Read more...
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on (#6P9CD)
WICHITA, KS-Calling the task a heavy burden, but one I must shoulder nonetheless," local woman Raven Wilson told reporters Wednesday that she had grimly accepted the lifelong responsibility of liking every one of her sister-in-law Jessica Denbow's social media posts. Her job is to post, mine is to like it," said...Read more...
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on (#6P8QH)
Donald Trump selected Ohio senator and Hillbilly Elegy author J.D. Vance to be his 2024 vice presidential running mate, choosing a 39-year-old loyalist with celebrity status among conservatives. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6P8QJ)
Former President Donald Trump narrowly avoided death after being shot in the ear during a campaign rally in Butler, PA, with one spectator killed and two critically injured. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P7XG)
MILWAUKEE-In fiery remarks made aboard his private jet as he traveled to Wisconsin for the Republican National Convention, a defiant Donald Trump ridiculed his would-be assassin Monday, calling the individual a horse-faced slut." Let me be clear, the shooter was a total fuggo who no one would fuck with a 10-foot...Read more...
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on (#6P7XE)
WASHINGTON-In response to the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania over the weekend, Congress moved quickly to pass legislation Monday that bans the civilian use of roofs. As our country continues to reel from this horrific event, we in Congress have taken action by...Read more...
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on (#6P7XD)
BUTLER, PA-Groggy and bleary-eyed as he returned to consciousness, a terrified Donald Trump Jr. reportedly awoke in an ice-filled tub Monday to discover he was missing an ear. Hello? Is anyone here?" said the 46-year-old son of the former president of the United States, stumbling over the side of the tub and opening...Read more...
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on (#6P7EX)
Haliey Welch, a 21-year-old from Tennessee, was dubbed the Hawk Tuah" girl after appearing in a viral video in which she used onomatopoeia to describe an oral sex tip. The Onion sat down with Welch to discuss social media, fame, and the next steps for her career.Read more...
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on (#6P5SA)
CHICAGO-Racing to make everything tidy ahead of the quickly approaching visit, local woman Ellen Crandall was frantically cleaning up the entire city before her parents came into town for a visit, sources confirmed Thursday. I've got to hide all these weed shops," said Crandall, who wiped the sweat off her brow as...Read more...
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on (#6P59N)
Bloomberg Philanthropies announced that it is gifting $1 billion to Johns Hopkins University to cover medical students' full tuition if their families earn less than $300,000, as well as cover the living expenses of students from families who earn less than $175,000 and increase financial aid for nursing and public...Read more...
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on (#6P53B)
After his disastrous debate performance, President Joe Biden continues to flounder in the polls and faces a growing contingent of Democratic donors and elected officials calling for him to step down. The Onion explores several possible things Biden can do to reinvigorate his struggling campaign.
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on (#6P4R0)
THE HEAVENS-Saying He had no choice but to target the painful, itching sensation directly at the source, God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, was reportedly forced to shave his head Thursday after contracting a biblical plague of lice. Yesterday, a misdirected divine commandment resulted in all the dust of the...Read more...
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on (#6P4BF)
NATO announced a new contract among its member countries agreeing that they would begin producing $700 million worth of Stinger missiles, a surface-to-air defense system, with Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg saying that There is no way to provide strong defense without a strong defense industry." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P3ZA)
LAKELAND, FL-In what the evangelical congregation hailed as a significant step forward for its security capabilities, local megachurch Lakeland Liberty Fellowship confirmed Tuesday it had conducted a successful test of a nuclear missile. Today's detonation of a 50-kiloton thermonuclear device should serve as a...Read more...
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on (#6P3TA)
Bulgarian archaeologists excavating an ancient Roman sewer stumbled upon a 6.8-foot-tall marble statue of the Greek god Hermes, which they believe was intentionally placed there in 388 A.D. and covered with dirt, causing it to be remarkably well preserved. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P3TB)
ITHACA, NY-In a new study published Wednesday that offers fresh insight into the relationship between brain activity and the classic restraining maneuver, scientists at Cornell University's Department of Neurobiology and Behavior found increased cognitive function is linked to being released from a headlock. Subjects...Read more...
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on (#6P3SX)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying she figured she could do course prep while traveling to away games on the team bus, WNBA star Caitlin Clark told reporters she had begun supplementing her rookie salary this week with a second job as an adjunct professor of basketball. I'm teaching a freshman-level Intro to Basketball Studies...Read more...
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on (#6P3AW)
Thousands of protesters in Barcelona attended a demonstration led by the Assemblea de Barris pel Decreixement Turistic (Neighborhood Assembly for Tourism Degrowth) to express their opposition to the number of visitors the city receives, with attendees spraying any tourists they saw with water guns. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6P3AY)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to combat escalating concerns about the commander-in-chief's fitness for office, the Biden campaign kicked off a rapid-fire series of events Tuesday that featured the president waving from very far away. President Biden wants to show voters he's fired up and committed to this fight for the...Read more...
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on (#6P2F6)
Several high-ranking members of Donald Trump's former administration recently released a stunning, highly detailed document outlining how they would overhaul the federal government should he be reelected president. The following are the biggest takeaways from the Heritage Foundation's 922-page political playbook...Read more...
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on (#6NZW0)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that he was exactly who you wanted in your corner when shit hit the fan, the coked-up nation announced Thursday that they love this fucking guy. This guy? This guy right here? Quality fucking human being," said 32-year-old Beverly Hills resident Greg Hanson, echoing the sentiment of 340...Read more...
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on (#6NZG9)
After the three-year pause on student loan repayment programs during the pandemic ended, 19 million borrowers either let their accounts become delinquent or extended their payment pause, leaving $1.6 trillion in debt being uncollected. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6NZ4R)
Boston Basketball Partners LLC, the group that controls the majority of the shares in the Boston Celtics, announced the decision to sell all of its stake in the team, which is valued at $4.7 billion, by 2028. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NZ44)
TOKYO-Grasping his stomach and grimacing at the end of the meal, local American tourist Aaron Messner complained to reporters Wednesday that he had hoped to enjoy a time-honored Japanese culinary experience, but his 10,000-calorie sumo-style dinner had left him writhing in hunger. Oh God, I can't believe all we got...Read more...
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on (#6NZ45)
NEW YORK-A new report released Wednesday by the Columbia University Department of Sociology concluded it's not fair that other people get to enjoy their lives. Our research suggests it's really not acceptable that some people are able to have a pleasant or satisfying time being alive," read one section of the...Read more...
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on (#6NZ46)
PHOENIX-Following this week's landmark Supreme Court ruling granting presidents broad immunity against criminal prosecution for official acts, Donald Trump's campaign released an ad Wednesday that consists solely of a montage of people he will have killed if elected in November. The largely silent ad, which will...Read more...
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on (#6NYZT)
LAS VEGAS-Following another highly physical game for the rookie point guard, Indiana Fever player Caitlin Clark reportedly brushed off the 23 stab wounds she received from her own teammates on the court Tuesday. The physicality doesn't bother me one bit-it's all part of the game," the pale and visibly woozy WNBA star...Read more...
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on (#6NYZE)
WASHINGTON-With the insulated electrical cord clenched firmly in his jaws, President Joe Biden spent an entire press conference Wednesday gnawing on an extension cord. The White House press corps was reportedly rapt as they observed the president working at the durable plastic coating with his incisors, and the...Read more...
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on (#6NYG5)
Carlo Acutis, a devout 15-year-old who died of leukemia in 2006 and has been nicknamed God's influencer" for his popular database cataloging Eucharistic miracles, has been officially recognized by Pope Francis as a saint, becoming the first of the millennial generation to be given the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NYG6)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In a Harvard CAPS / Harris poll conducted in the wake of the first presidential debate, new data revealed that any alternative Democratic candidate was likely to lose to former President Donald Trump, regardless of whether President Joe Biden was replaced as the nominee with Joe Biden, Joe Biden, or Joe...Read more...
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on (#6NYDE)
NEW YORK-In a report released Tuesday that has been hailed as equal parts fascinating and perplexing, researchers at Columbia University found that requests to prove one is not a robot have gone up 400,000% over the past 500 years. During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked to prove they were...Read more...
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on (#6NYDF)
CLEVELAND-Lacking a North Star to guide him through his workday, local office worker Evan Pullman was reportedly lost like a sailor in a maelstrom Tuesday after the human resources department at Edgemere Industries failed to send out the company's quarterly update. Dear God! Without an email newsletter recapping our...Read more...
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on (#6NY7B)
WASHINGTON-Revealing they had holed up in Camp David beforehand and grilled him nonstop for a week straight, President Joe Biden's team confirmed Tuesday they were proud their hours of grueling prep had successfully gotten him through a meeting with his family about continuing to seek reelection. It was admittedly...Read more...
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on (#6NXPV)
EAST HAMPTON, NY-Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she hit[s] that on the daily," referring to President Joe Biden. To any doubters of my husband's virility, let me just...Read more...
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on (#6NXKR)
WASHINGTON-With the party's candidate facing increased pressure to step down after a disastrous debate performance, the Democratic National Committee released a commercial Monday that claims a doddering, out-of-it President Joe Biden will let the nation get away with whatever crazy shit it wants. This guy is out...Read more...
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on (#6NXB6)
The state of Vermont agreed to pay $175,000 in damages to a man who was pulled over for giving an officer the middle finger in 2018 and arrested for disorderly conduct, with the ACLU saying that Police need to respect everyone's First Amendment rights-even for things they consider offensive or insulting." What do you...Read more...
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on (#6NXBA)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on your failure to achieve financial success, the Brookings Institution released a new report Monday finding that disgraced former civil rights activist Rachel Dolezal has a higher net worth than you. Our research shows that despite the 50-plus hours of hard work you put in every week,...Read more...
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on (#6NXBB)
WASHINGTON-Admitting that he had never been more conflicted about a ruling in his life, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly torn Monday over a case in which both sides offered compelling scuba trips. While there's a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the plaintiff has instead...Read more...
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on (#6NVTD)
WASHINGTON-In the aftermath of a disastrous night that left Democrats reeling over their candidate for the 2024 election, political analysts confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden could negate his debate performance by pulling a train with a chain clenched between his teeth. Our post-debate polling indicates that...Read more...
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on (#6NVTE)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of what was widely viewed as a disastrous debate performance, eye contact-avoiding members of the Biden administration still haven't said a word to each other since last night, sources confirmed Friday. According to sources, White House aides and advisors were seen averting their gaze as they...Read more...
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