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on (#6GWNS)
WASHINGTON-Moments after calling for a brief adjournment to arguments appealing the pharmaceutical giant's bankruptcy deal, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the recess swallowing an entire bottle of OxyContin in an effort to get in on the Purdue Pharma settlement. Oh man, $8 billion? That's...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 03:15 |
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on (#6GWN9)
POCATELLO, ID-Inquiring about one of your acquaintances who she said she hadn't seen in a while, your mom asked Monday if you were still friends with that one guy, Daniel Corimer, who committed suicide a decade ago. Whatever happened to your old pal Danny, from school? He always seemed so nice," your mother said...Read more...
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on (#6GTMH)
WASHINGTON-Saying she was taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down after boarding her flight to Dubai for the COP28 climate conference, sources reported Friday that Vice President Kamala Harris was nervous about flying on a plane for the first time. Okay, it should be fine, it's all fine, I know it's...Read more...
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on (#6GTMJ)
NEW YORK-Following his shocking expulsion from Congress, former Rep. George Santos of New York was spotted in Times Square Friday holding a sign that read I am SpongeBob." Come on over and snap a photo with the Bob,'" said the disgraced and currently unemployed Republican, who was seen brandishing the handwritten...Read more...
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on (#6GTMK)
A proposed mandate from the Environmental Protection Agency seeks to drastically reduce lead in the nation's drinking water over the next 10 years by replacing all old pipes across the country, a measure that could cost $30 billion but would prevent exposure to the deadly toxin for millions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GT7B)
While liberals claim to be accepting, many right-wing college students are relentlessly persecuted for their conservative beliefs. Here are many of the things that the so-called tolerant left refuses to tolerate on college campuses.Read more...
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on (#6GT5G)
JERUSALEM-Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab claws for hands, sources reported Friday. Nobody wants to bring it up,...Read more...
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on (#6GT5H)
WASHINGTON-Turning the page on what they acknowledged was a painful chapter in the space agency's history, NASA officials announced Friday they had decommissioned and removed the last Confederate satellite from Earth's orbit. A vital part of the Confederacy's fight to preserve slavery, these Civil War military...Read more...
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on (#6GT5J)
AMARILLO, TX-Making it instantly clear that not many people had shown up for her viewing party a few nights ago, local woman Meghan Hough reportedly unpacked a heartbreaking container of leftover Bachelor-themed canapes for lunch at the office Friday. Oh no, she's heating up a whole plate of rose-shaped apple...Read more...
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on (#6GT5K)
In a test flight, Virgin Atlantic's Boeing 787 successfully crossed the Atlantic ocean using a sustainable fuel blend of 88% waste fats and 12% synthetic aromatic kerosene derived from plant sugars. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GSPW)
MURFREESBORO, TN-In an effort to put his mind to rest after seeing the billionaire entrepreneur say sorry for an antisemitic tweet, local nazi Phil Behrens told reporters Thursday that he hoped Elon Musk's apology was as disingenuous as it seemed. I'm holding out hope that Elon was as insincere as he appeared when he...Read more...
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on (#6GSPX)
Colombian officials announced plans to sterilize an estimated 170 hippos descended from Pablo Escobar's original four pets that were left to wander the estate grounds after his death amid growing concern that the population could explode to 1,000 hippos by 2035, endangering the natural ecosystem. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GS9P)
A conservative media commentator, self-help author, and clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson has made a career out of denouncing preferred pronouns and identity politics while defending the pay gap and the patriarchy. If you know someone who is a fan of Jordan Peterson, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6GS8J)
NEW YORK-Staring at her phone in disbelief as the color drained from her face, a panic-stricken Taylor Swift reportedly received yet another text from Brittany Mahomes Thursday that read Hey girlie" and was followed by an emoji heart. No, no, please-not again, please," said a visibly shaken Swift, who threw her...Read more...
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on (#6GR6R)
The only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that's not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GR6S)
JACKSON, MI-With camouflage-clad members gathered in corner booths and at high-tops throughout the restaurant, sources confirmed Wednesday that every table at a local Applebee's was populated by a different militia. Yeah, so those are the Boogaloo Boys at table 3, Michigan Home Guard over near the door, and then...Read more...
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on (#6GR6T)
HOUSTON, TX-Taking accountability for a massive spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP released a statement Wednesday apologizing for thinking that oil would look as cool spilled into the ocean as it does in puddles. We thought the light would hit it and make it all cool and iridescent like it does on the side of the...Read more...
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on (#6GQB3)
Facing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country's leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.Read more...
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on (#6GQA3)
WASHINGTON-Following an investigation into the candidate's lackluster poll numbers, President Biden's campaign has traced the source of the Democratic incumbent's troubles to a really scratchy blanket that makes it hard for him to sleep, according to a copy of an internal memo obtained Tuesday by reporters. All of...Read more...
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on (#6GQA4)
PLANO, TX-Unwittingly condemning herself to a devastating fate, local naive woman Amita Collins reportedly asked a question Tuesday about the video game her boyfriend was playing, having no idea of the dark precedent she had just set. This poor fool doesn't realize she has encouraged her boyfriend to hold forth on a...Read more...
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on (#6GQA5)
LONDON-Facing numerous calls for the institution to finally make amends for historical wrongs, the British Museum was under pressure Tuesday to return a looted Hello Kitty phone case to a mall kiosk. It is long past time for the British Museum to atone for its sins and return this novelty Hello Kitty phone case to...Read more...
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on (#6GQA6)
MENLO PARK, CA-Saying the platform had been streamlined to better serve its billions of users, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Tuesday that human trafficking was now allowed on Facebook Marketplace. Starting today, any user over 18 years old can buy, sell, and trade people on Facebook," Zuckerberg said as he...Read more...
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on (#6GQA7)
WOODSIDE, CA-Noting that he had gotten too big for his britches since he uploaded the photo, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Brian Flannery was really letting his newfound fame from a Nextdoor coyote post go to his head. Seriously, he gets 14 likes on a blurry, zoomed-in picture he took of a coyote on his...Read more...
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on (#6GPNJ)
BOCA RATON, FL-Letting out several deep moans as she remarked upon the terrible winter storm battering the Midwest, local mom Carrie Whittacker, currently on vacation in southern Florida, reportedly took an almost pornographic pleasure Monday in missing the bad weather back home. Oh my, they're really getting...Read more...
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on (#6GPNK)
WASHINGTON-Staring down a likely expulsion from the House of Representatives, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) told reporters I am just a little girl trapped at the bottom of a well" on Monday. I was trying to get my beloved dolly Mildred back, but when I leaned over, I fell in too," the embattled congressman said from his...Read more...
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on (#6GPBQ)
Americans across the country thrive at messing things up and ending relationships. The Onion examines the most common reason for breakups in every state.Read more...
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on (#6GPBR)
NEW YORK-Saying he had finally completed his years-long struggle for acceptance in the eyes of his fellow citizens, sources reported Tuesday that first-generation Asian American Hoang Ngo, 20, had successfully assimilated into white culture by appropriating Black culture. He's always talking about how he loves...Read more...
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on (#6GPBS)
DENVER-Saying she couldn't help but feel a little let down by the man's inaction, local 31-year-old Jessica Sillman was reportedly wondering Monday why her boyfriend, Zachary Coffey, never showered her with roses while shouting Brava!" Maybe I have unrealistic expectations from watching too many operas, but a little...Read more...
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on (#6GPBT)
NEW YORK-Claiming it would be the artistic culmination of his entire filmmaking career, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese confirmed Monday that his next movie would be a feature-length mukbang of actor Leonardo DiCaprio eating a 5-gallon bucket of macaroni and cheese. My next picture will star Leo DiCaprio in a...Read more...
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on (#6GPBV)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to provide a behind-the-scenes look at how his administration operated, President Biden reportedly invited a 5-year-old on a White House tour to join him Monday in vetoing a piece of legislation. Hey, kiddo, come on into the Oval Office and let me show you how we do things around here,"...Read more...
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on (#6GMFX)
Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don't have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion's tips for eating healthy in just three bites.Read more...
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on (#6GMFY)
Amid book bans, Florida's Don't Say Gay' law, and vocal protests against drag brunches, one word keeps popping up again and again: grooming. The Onion asked right-wing parents to try to define the word they love to throw around so much, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GMDN)
SAN FRANCISCO-Citing the importance of not making judgments on the basis of a stereotype, local progressive man Jesse Hammond told reporters Friday he was careful never to assume someone was a genie just because they had floated out of a golden lamp. When you rub an ancient oil lamp and someone emerges from its spout...Read more...
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on (#6GMDP)
CHICAGO-Nimbly maneuvering his larger-than-average body through inconceivably small spaces between vehicles, a beefy boy on an electric scooter was spotted Friday weaving through traffic like a graceful gazelle. According to sources, the hefty young man was somehow able to zoom on his scooter at over 10 mph while...Read more...
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on (#6GMD8)
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX-Going about their usual activities while the infant lay on his back in the middle of the living room carpet, local parents Dan and Heather Franklin confirmed Friday that their baby was at the age where it could totally just be left on the floor. Noah isn't mobile yet, so it's fine-you can just plop...Read more...
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on (#6GKKX)
A study published in Nature Genetics that analyzed the genomes of more than 1 million people found sequences of DNA that could be linked to a disposition to cannabis addiction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GKKJ)
DAYTON, OH-Noting that everyone else in this house was somehow able to act like a functioning member of society, a new report published Thursday found that the rest of the family was ready to do the annual turkey trot if you were done with your little pity party. Well, you can either spend all day sulking in your...Read more...
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on (#6GK72)
The Rolling Stones announced dates for a 2024 tour of their newest album Hackney Diamonds in what will be the first time the band has toured without drummer Charlie Watts since 1963. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GJQB)
Whether it's a child's drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.Read more...
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