The Onion

SALINA, KS—In an attempt to quell his anxieties surrounding the popular mode of transportation, Frederick Varela attempted to quell his fear of flying Monday by reminding himself that he was more likely to get kidnapped by a Belarusian dictator during the drive to the airport than while in the air. “Obviously, some…Read more...

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NEW ORLEANS—Enticing potential bookers with the apartment’s best features, a New Orleans Airbnb reportedly touted Monday its location in the heart of the city’s historic Airbnb quarter. “Located mere steps from a wide array of other Airbnbs, this apartment is the perfect spot for a couple or two friends to explore…Read more...

COLUMBUS, IN—Unfazed by the public swimming pool, local 7-year-old Logan Dixon told reporters Monday that he had seen way deeper deep ends. “Give me a break, what is this, five feet or something?” said Dixon, whose wisdom and courage left witnesses awestruck as he described how the public swimming pool’s depths paled…Read more...

LYNN, MA—Reeling in the wake of a diagnosis giving her 18 months to live, local woman Sophie Williams reportedly admitted Monday that she wasn’t sure she could sustain cherishing every moment for that long. “Ever since learning the pancreatic cancer was terminal, I’ve been thinking a lot about savoring the little…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Feeling completely overwhelmed by the uncomfortable sensation, the nation was reportedly all itchy, frantically scratching sources confirmed Monday. “Gah, it’s driving me crazy!” said Greg McLaren, one of the 328 million Americans who was currently reaching for a ruler, fork, or any other implement he could…Read more...

In an effort to learn about the ultimate part that had eluded actors throughout their careers, The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest stars to talk about missing out on iconic roles.

An iceberg bigger than the state of Rhode Island has broken off the Ronne ice shelf in a natural event called calving unattributed to climate change, making the iceberg the largest in the world. What do you think?Read more...

MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the armed forces of today a “far cry” from the honorable soldiers he recalled from his upbringing, local conservative resident Phil Hayes told reporters Friday he longed for a bygone era when the U.S. Army was 2 inches tall, green, and plastic. “When I was young, every man in the Army respected…Read more...

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President Biden signed legislation focused on aggressively investigating hate crimes, especially those targeting Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, amid a dramatic increase during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

With summer fast approaching, it’s time to pick up a shovel, head to a nursery, and spend hundreds of dollars on plants you will inevitably kill. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by home gardeners, and how to avoid them.

BOSTON—Appearing suspicious as she asked how long the soldier had lived in the Central Asian country, U.S. airport customs officer Michele Cox extensively questioned Army Staff Sgt. Joey Tatum upon the serviceman’s return from Afghanistan, sources confirmed Friday. “So, Mr. Tatum, your passport shows you’ve traveled…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Hailed by critics from The New Yorker, Vulture, and Uproxx as a groundbreaking show pushing the boundaries of what was possible in the medium of television, brilliant new animated comedy The Petunia Chronicles reportedly gives its viewers clinical depression. “Although we’re only five episodes into this…Read more...

The 17-year cicadas, Brood X, have begun to emerge across the United States, driving curiosity among science fans and nature lovers. The Onion breaks down everything you need to know about the 17-year cicadas.

CHICAGO—Excited about his final opportunity to make friends as an adult before surrendering to a life of solitude, local man Josh Kelly reported Friday that the adult kickball he joined would be a great way to meet other people who are entirely out of options. “It feels good to do something different and meet some…Read more...

Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law barring most abortions at the onset of a fetal heartbeat, which can occur as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many people know they are pregnant. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent harmful patterns of gender inequality from being passed to the next generation, the National Organization for Women announced a new initiative Friday that would help young girls gain confidence by teaching them to melt human beings via sonic mind blasts. “At an early age, our girls…Read more...

Whether you’ve been on the lam for weeks or just recently tunneled out of a high-security correctional facility, The Onion has compiled the most breathtaking and economical vacation spots for escaped prisoners.Read more...

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his opposition to forming an independent commission that would investigate the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol and make recommendations to prevent another insurrection. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Scouring through the photos in search of a more revealing angle, apartment-hunter George Marvin expressed concern Thursday over a two-bedroom listing that was for some reason being cagey about whether the unit came with a floor. “Most of the time they will tell you whether a place has wood flooring or carpet,…Read more...

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KNOXVILLE, TN—Saying she would be “down to watch another one,” local woman Anna Cook was reportedly unaware Thursday that she had sat through four episodes of the Netflix series Bridgerton since her boyfriend, 34-year-old Kyle Lampson, had passed away on the sofa. “At first I wasn’t sure about this show, but now I…Read more...

Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.Read more...

Twitter is reportedly rolling out a $3 per month subscription model called Twitter Blue that would offer users exclusive services such as saving and organizing favorite tweets as well as undoing tweets. What do you think?Read more...

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a case concerning a Mississippi law banning abortion after 15 weeks of pregnancy, giving the majority conservative court an opportunity to pare back constitutional rights set in Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...

With airlines and hotels beginning to open up at full capacity, there’s never been a better time to get major discounts on vacations. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions on travel deals, and we have the answers.Read more...

We at OGN were thrilled when Capcom launched the eighth entry in its iconic Resident Evil series in April, and ever since then, we’ve been playing nonstop, probing each mystery and destroying every Lycan that crossed our path. And while it may strive to be a worthy entry in the canon, Resident Evil Village …Read more...

WASHINGTON—After weeks of tense negotiation between Democratic and Republican leaders, Congress reached a compromise Wednesday to investigate the events of Jan. 9. “The attack on the Capitol was a notorious day in American history that we still have many questions about, which is why we’re pleased to announce the…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Remarking that his mere presence made people think twice about bothering her, local woman Alice Dutton told reporters Wednesday that her boyfriend of three years, Jeff Engert, was primarily kept around as a deterrent. “I really enjoy spending time with Jeff, because whenever we’re together, I don’t get…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Upon concluding the business was in violation of the federal Chill Vibes Act, the U.S. Ambience Protection Agency issued a fine Wednesday to local restaurant Chez Bistro, which regulators said had contributed to the destruction of mood through its extensive reliance on fluorescent lights. “Chez Bistro…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Running alongside the American Humvees and armored vehicles with their arms overflowing with parting gifts, the teary-eyed Afghani populace waved farewell to U.S. troops Wednesday while thanking them most of all for teaching the country how to love. “Your people brought peace and prosperity to our…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid any unnecessary ambiguity, speechwriter James Kessler helpfully let audiences know that he was talking about “these United States,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “I should probably clarify which particular group of united states we’re talking about here,” said Kessler, making a note on…Read more...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing frustration with the matriarch’s feigned affection, local man Andrew Reed was slighted Wednesday by his supposedly loving grandmother, Edna, who couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name, age, or job. “I call bullshit on this whole ‘unconditional love’ thing if you can’t even remember…Read more...

Texas state lawmakers have approved a bill prohibiting foods that don’t contain animal products from using words like “meat” or “beef” on their labels in an effort to prevent misleading consumers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying he could probably just sit at the back and dose off without anyone bothering him, slacker congressman Scott Chrysler told reporters Wednesday he was praying to get a bullshit assignment this term, like the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis. “Are you kidding me? Climate Crisis? That’s a…Read more...

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FENTON, MI—In a bid to protect what many are calling a vital part of the town’s character, a neighborhood in Fenton, MI held a public rally Friday to demand that a decades-old pothole be designated a historic landmark. “Down at City Hall, they’re talking about getting rid of the pothole completely and putting one of…Read more...

A new South Carolina law will force death row inmates to choose between execution by electric chair or firing squad as lawmakers attempt to cope with a shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?Read more...

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Tossing the garment on a piece of rubble so it would look like an honest accident, U.S. military leaders left a scarf behind on their way out of the country Tuesday so they would have an excuse to go back later. “We just want a little reason to pop back in without looking too pathetic,” said General…Read more...

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In 1916, Woodrow Wilson signed the National Parks Service into law, which now spans 30 states and 84 million acres of land. Here is the surprising history behind America’s national parks.Read more...