The Onion

It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.Read more...

Read more...

Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.Read more...

NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I…Read more...

Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan,…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare…Read more...

Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new…Read more...

ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages…Read more...

Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary.

Read more...

Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.Read more...

Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder and members of his administration have been indicted on criminal charges for their role in the 2014 Flint water crisis that exposed residents in the predominantly Black city to lead, killing 12 and sickening dozens. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As he rummaged through a closet to take stock of his extra sheets and towels, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) confirmed Thursday he had been forced to open his home to hundreds of white nationalists after Airbnb canceled all D.C. metro reservations for the week of the inauguration. “Sometimes when I’m hanging out…Read more...

In response to federal officials urging Americans not to travel to the Capitol following last Wednesday’s deadly riot, Airbnb announced they will cancel and block all reservations in Washington, D.C., during the week of President-Elect Biden’s inauguration. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was reportedly hoping Thursday that his company would be able to capture a new audience by making their signature product worse in every conceivable way. “Let’s face it, this industry moves fast and we have to be…Read more...

Grim, determined, and emotionally unavailable to even their closest friends and family, great NFL coaches have served as inspiration to millions of American leaders for over almost a hundred years. Here is The Onion’s list of the greatest NFL coaches of all time.

ATLANTA—Following the postponement of multiple games as league officials dealt with the spread of the virus, Hall of Fame player and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley on Wednesday blasted today’s fragile NBA players who can’t just play through Covid like he did. “Back in our day, we were tough, and we were always…Read more...

Read more...

Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.Read more...

Army General Daniel R. Hokanson says 10,000 Guard members will be deployed to D.C. this week and another 10,000 may be activated ahead of the presidential inauguration following threats from Trump supporters. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would begrudgingly continue funding Marco Rubio after learning he had voted to certify the 2020 presidential election results. “We’ve been looking for excuses to cut off that little dipshit forever, so learning…Read more...

ATLANTA—After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country. “We could immediately get…Read more...

Read more...

Great news, gaming fans! If you haven’t yet had a chance to check out PlayStation’s revolutionary new gaming system, fear not—the PS5 in an ancient cave painting uncovered in Cáceres‎, Spain that foretells the end of the earth looks like it contains some kind of unreleased PS5 slim edition.Read more...

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Brandishing a microphone while pursuing the invasive fish along a babbling brook, filmmaker Michael Moore reportedly questioned an Asian carp on its role in destroying local ecosystems for an as-yet untitled nature documentary, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Sir? Sir, why are you evading the question—y…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Expressing relief that the winter activity wasn’t nearly as hard as it looked, local man Noah Maxwell was reportedly really getting the hang of clutching the wall Wednesday during his first time ever ice skating. “At first, I was pretty nervous, but after getting a few fundamentals down, I realized the trick…Read more...

Read more...

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says he will not accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, citing the deadly Capitol riots incited by President Trump last week. What do you think?Read more...

President Trump’s role in his supporters storming the Capitol on January 6 has driven unprecedented calls for a second impeachment among some congressional leaders, while others have cautioned against the move so late into his term. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching Trump in the last days of his…Read more...

Read more...

Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.Read more...

Three of the original stars of HBO’s Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the…Read more...

Read more...

Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is…Read more...

ARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was reportedly weirded out Tuesday after bumping into his teacher outside of his laptop. “Mrs. Evans was walking around without moving out of frame—it was super weird,” said Dunn, who recalled feeling…Read more...

Read more...

Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.Read more...

Amazon suspended web-hosting services for Parler one day after Google and Apple removed the social networking app from their app stores for failing to regulate users’ posts that promote violence. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Wincing as each correct answer ballooned the episode’s budget, Jeopardy! producers told reporters Thursday they were now regretting their decision to make “Alex Trebek” the correct response to every clue in their first installment without the iconic host. “In retrospect, we should have just done one…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence…Read more...

Senators Lisa Murkoski of Alaska and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania say President Trump should resign after his supporters stormed the Capitol last week in an attempt to overturn the election results and assassinate members of Congress. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...