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on (#5M81H)
We woke up feeling good today, gamers. Maybe it’s the nice weather. Maybe it’s the vacation we have planned next month. Or maybe it’s just that things have generally been looking up lately. Either way, we’re feeling magnanimous, and ah, what the hell—we want to do something nice for you.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 11:15 |
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on (#5M81J)
WASHINGTON—Giving voice to their uncertainty in a historic display of civic indecision, tens of thousands of Americans who still haven’t made up their minds joined a massive demonstration on the National Mall Thursday to express their ambivalence. “We don’t feel strongly one way or another, and we demand to be heard!”…Read more...
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on (#5M6XA)
BOULDER, UT—In a process that officials explained the state had been carrying out for decades, the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources reportedly completed their annual restocking of a lake Wednesday by dropping thousands of fishermen from a plane. “We wish the population would replenish itself naturally, but…Read more...
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on (#5M6MF)
ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly thwarted in their efforts to bring some new perspectives to the C-suite, agrochemical company WFM Industries shared with reporters Wednesday that they were struggling to find diverse leadership candidates among the CEO’s golf buddies. “Increasing diversity at the executive level is a top priority…Read more...
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on (#5M6MG)
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM—Attempting to placate the visibly livid man, sources confirmed Wednesday that the gate attendant at Spaceport America had offered Richard Branson a hotel voucher after informing him the Virgin Galactic flight was fully booked. “We routinely overbook flights to keep prices low, and hope that…Read more...
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on (#5M6HX)
Legends are made and legacies are secured in the spotlight of the NBA Finals, where a transcendent performance can forever seal a spot as one of the greatest NBA players ever, or a bad one can forever seal your fate as Karl Malone. Here are The Onion’s greatest NBA finals performances of all time.Read more...
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on (#5M6BP)
Cable news network MSNBC launched on July 15, 1996, and has delivered its share of highs and lows over its 25-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in MSNBC’s history on its 25th anniversary.
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on (#5M65K)
LINCOLN, NE—Stressing it was having a nice, relaxing time, the scrotum of local man Justin McMaster was not in a big hurry to peel itself away from his leg, crotch sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ve got a nice little situation going here with my skin sack pressed up real tight against the inner thigh, so I’m thinking…Read more...
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on (#5M65J)
Fine jewelers say they saw massive spikes in demand and sales in April and May for engagement rings, following more access to Covid-19 vaccinations throughout the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M4ND)
Dubai has opened the world’s deepest dive pool, which has a depth of 196 feet, holds enough water to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools, and features an “abandoned” sunken city for divers to explore. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M4NB)
Hey, gamers! There’s a lull in summer gaming news and we don’t know what to publish today, so here are the definitive instructions on how to bake your Nintendo Switch into an apple pie!
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on (#5M41E)
STANFORD, CA—A new study released Monday by researchers from the Stanford Center on Poverty and Inequality found that 70% of Americans have less than $1,000 saved to go to space. “Our research suggests that the vast majority of Americans may be woefully unprepared for the dawn of the new space age,” aid study…Read more...
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on (#5M3ZQ)
You might not realize it, but many beloved TV shows from the U.S. actually aren’t created here, and are instead stolen from foreign countries due to a lack of American ingenuity. Here are the international origins behind some of your favorite television programs.Read more...
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on (#5KTC4)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to educate the opposition party on the true value of civic engagement, congressional Democrats staged an elaborate 4th of July pageant Friday in an effort to teach their Republican colleagues the importance of democracy.
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on (#5KTCP)
WASHINGTON—Vowing to never again make the same mistake, the U.S. Department of Labor announced Friday that they would stop obsessing about counting jobs and just enjoy the economy for what it already is. “We’ve gotten so caught up with the whole jobs counting thing over the years that we forgot to appreciate all that…Read more...
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on (#5KSY4)
A new hybrid car-aircraft prototype, which can transform from plane to road vehicle in under three minutes, has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KRWD)
A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for resale. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KRNM)
TAOS, NM—Former U.S. secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld passed away Wednesday at 88 years old, sources confirmed, and is survived by 1 million fewer Iraqis. “It is with tremendous sorrow that we share the passing of an American icon, whose legacy in decades of shaping U.S. foreign policy will be felt by the hundreds…Read more...
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on (#5KRJH)
TAOS, NM—Raising tensions between the relatives to a fever pitch mere moments after the patriarch’s demise, the family of Donald Rumsfeld immediately began squabbling over who would inherit his collection of mounted heads of Iraqi civilians, sources confirmed Thursday. “Grandpa would want me to have them since he…Read more...
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on (#5KRJJ)
DEARBORN, MI—In what the auto manufacturer described as its boldest step yet in an ongoing effort to “be kinder to the planet,” Ford announced Thursday that its entire 2022 line of vehicles would come equipped with environmentally friendly brown paper airbags. “To help conserve natural resources, the bags in our…Read more...
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on (#5KQDM)
WASHINGTON—Calling the legislation “long overdue,” the U.S. Senate passed a bill Wednesday wishing younger generations the best of luck stopping climate change. “As devastating wildfires, flooding, and droughts sweep our planet, there has never been a more urgent time to shift the responsibility onto someone else,”…Read more...
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on (#5KQCH)
NEW YORK—Entering the studio at 30 Rockefeller Plaza to thunderous applause from the surprised audience, the members of Yugoslavia reunited Tuesday night on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon. “What’s up, guys? Everyone looks great! It’s taken so long to get everyone together—not naming names, Kosovo—but we are…Read more...
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on (#5KQA3)
Record heat has hit parts of the Pacific Northwest as part of a general trend of global warming, putting people unused to such extreme heat in potential danger. The Onion offers helpful tips for staying safe during a heat wave.
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on (#5KQA4)
NEW YORK—In a stunning turn of events likely to forever alter the organization’s makeup, a power-hungry goose seized control of the Audubon Society in a bloody coup Wednesday, sources monitoring the situation confirmed. “What began as a typical Audubon Society executive meeting came to a sudden halt after a…Read more...
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on (#5KP16)
LAS VEGAS—Finding himself escorted from the premises as soon as his transgression came to light, professional poker player Curt Manginis was banned from The Venetian Casino’s Texas hold ’em tournament Tuesday for deceiving his opponents by knowingly betting on a weak hand. “Curt just kept raising and raising so we…Read more...
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on (#5KMM6)
Banish that hangover by eating a large, well-balanced pile of medicine.Read more...
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on (#5KMCR)
BALTIMORE—Dashing hopes of a return to the Earth’s only natural satellite, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration played down plans for another Moon mission Monday, explaining that Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong was the only person who knew how to get up there. “Unfortunately, despite repeated attempts…Read more...
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on (#5KM6S)
NEW YORK—In a blistering condemnation of the 24-year-old multiplatinum recording artist, a coalition of music critics and pop culture writers held a press conference Monday to excoriate Lorde, explaining that they just felt it was time for them to begin laying into her as hard as they could. “Lorde has gone almost a…Read more...
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on (#5KM65)
WASHINGTON—Barging into your bedroom and turning on the lights, the nation’s moms announced Monday that there was no way in hell you’re sleeping until noon every day this summer. “I don’t care if you have to go to bed early every night, if that’s what it takes, but you’re not about to just piss away your summer…Read more...
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on (#5KHSA)
Rudy Giuliani’s law license has been suspended in New York state after an appellate court found that he made “demonstrably false and misleading statements” about the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KHMN)
Jesus Christ, we don’t know what to say, gamers. There are many strange and, indeed, unsettling things on the internet, but this latest one crosses the line of all that is decent and good in the world: Some sick freak named X_Switch_58 drew fanart of Mario just wearing normal jeans and a red shirt, and it isn’t…Read more...
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on (#5KHKA)
This week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of a former high schooler who had been punished by her Pennsylvania school for using profanity in a Snapchat caption posted when she wasn’t on school grounds. The Onion looks back at notable First Amendment court cases in U.S. history.
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on (#5KHG1)
“After year of Chris constantly asking me to check out his band, I finally did and, look, even I have limits.”Read more...
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on (#5KHEJ)
RACINE, WI—Touting the new product as a more compassionate way to end the lives of common household pests, Raid introduced a holy water–infused spray Friday that allows cockroaches to be baptized and die as Christians. “We know how important it is to rid your home of roaches, moths, spiders, and other bugs, and now…Read more...
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on (#5KGA7)
Over 150 employees at a Houston hospital system who refused to get the Covid-19 vaccine have resigned or been fired after a judge dismissed an employee lawsuit over the hospital’s vaccine requirement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KG82)
FromSoftware fans were thrilled to finally see the full reveal of Elden Ring at E3 2021, and since that dramatic footage’s release, one huge revelation leaked out that will have anyone who loved Game Of Thrones celebrating: George R.R. Martin himself just confirmed that halfway through the game his engrossing…Read more...
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on (#5KG2Y)
MILFORD, CT—Addressing recent questions about the integrity of ingredients in one of the chain’s most popular sandwiches, Subway CEO John Chidsey issued a formal apology Thursday for trusting a fish who allegedly submitted false documents to the restaurant in order to pass as a tuna. “Subway has always prided itself…Read more...
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