 |
on (#5KG07)
CHICAGO—In an awe-inspiring display of brute strength, beefy gym man Matthew Brennan was reportedly drinking from a gallon water jug Thursday like a mythical giant. According to observers, the large muscular gym-goer lifted the oversized drinking receptacle to his lips with the unsettling ease of a 100-foot titan…Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 09:30 |
 |
on (#5KG08)
BALTIMORE, MD—Heralding the trial as a major step forward in the field of medicine, scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced Thursday the first successful experiment to bankrupt a mouse that couldn’t afford a cancer drug. “Today is a landmark day in cancer research as we were able, for the first time, to give…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KFYM)
Weddings may cost $80,000 and generally suck shit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yours in the moment. Here are some of the worst mistakes all brides make when they walk down the aisle.Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KFXC)
WASHINGTON—In a devastating setback to negotiations that have been plagued for weeks by partisan gridlock, sources confirmed Friday that infrastructure talks in Congress came to a halt after a giant sinkhole opened up beneath the Capitol, swallowing the building and its occupants whole. “Unfortunately, our attempts to…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KFSQ)
A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.
|
 |
on (#5KFEA)
New Zealand’s Laurel Hubbard will be the first openly transgender athlete to compete in the Olympics for the women’s weightlifting team, which some critics are calling unfair, despite Hubbard meeting stringent IOC requirements that include testosterone levels. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KEQF)
The White House has confirmed that the U.S. will fall short of President Biden’s goal to have 70% of the population at least partially vaccinated against Covid-19 by July 4, saying that number will most likely be achieved by mid-July. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KEPK)
NEW YORK—Imploring him to turn away before it was too late, a tiny voice in the back of area man Matthew Nanousi’s head reportedly whispered, “You don’t have to do this!” as he prepared to click on an article Wednesday about actor Michael B. Jordan’s recent cultural appropriation mishap. “Please, stop while you still…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5KEJY)
NEW YORK—Flipping through a rack of NYPD T-shirts at a gift shop, former mayoral candidate Andrew Yang told reporters Wednesday that he was picking up a few souvenirs on his way back home from his New York trip. “So far I’ve got an ‘I heart NY’ mug and a New York license plate keychain with my name on it,” said Yang,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KECT)
Nuclear energy produces about 10% of the world’s electricity, but there are many common misconceptions about its usage and consequences. The Onion debunks common myths about nuclear energy.
|
 |
on (#5KECV)
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed this week that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KE9G)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Stressing that they were trying to fix the problem as quickly as possible, the International Space Station issued an apology Wednesday after excessive power usage accidentally shorted out the entire galaxy. “Essentially, we tried to use the convection oven while the air filtration system was on and,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KE9J)
Plopping your child in front of a big glowing screen for 12 hours a day may be the ultimate parenting hack, but sometimes you have to be careful. Here are several kids’ shows that actually had some very adult story lines.Read more...
|
|
on (#5KDY9)
Nicaragua’s National Police have arrested a fifth presidential candidate, bringing the total number of opposition leaders detained for vague “national security” violations ahead of the November general election against current President Daniel Ortega to 15. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5KD2E)
NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thought to run a…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5KCX0)
ELKTON, MD—In an effort to avoid appearing too desperate, local 911 operator Denise Sarris confirmed Tuesday that she likes to let the phone ring for a couple of seconds so her callers don’t get the impression that she’s just standing by the phone all day. “When I get a call, I always like to wait three or four rings,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KCTG)
WASHINGTON—Urging the nation to get a head start on what they described as an inevitable decision, the Brookings Institute released a statement Tuesday encouraging Americans to start thinking about what form of government they would like to try after democracy crumbles. “We’re urging this country’s citizens to really…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5KB6X)
DENTON, TX—Noting their propensity for antics and shenanigans, area couple Zack Evans and Julie Stuber told reporters Monday they think they’re pretty fun. “Say what you will, but we think we’re just a riot,” said Stuber, explaining that the two brought different things to the table, with Evans always being quick with…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5KB70)
“Is it time for us to fight now or are we waiting until after the crew takes lunch?”Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5K7TD)
DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just says ‘Thanks for everything’ inside, which is vague and brief like I wanted, but…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K694)
MIAMI—Touting the new vacation package as a never-to-be-repeated limited-time offer, Norwegian Cruise Line announced Thursday it would begin offering a special “Now or Never” tour of sites that still remain above water on the Arctic coast. “We invite travelers to join us as we sail past the rugged majestic tundra for…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K693)
From the most thrilling historic championships to the lowliest mid-season baseball game, announcers and broadcasters frequently define the experience of passively absorbing someone else’s amazing achievements. Here are some of the most iconic sportscasters of all time.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#5K690)
U.S. Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan has been given a four-year ban from the sport after the Athletics Integrity Unit rejected her claim that a contaminated pork burrito she ate caused her positive steroid test. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#5K5JC)
The Girl Scouts have reported that 15 million boxes of cookies have gone unsold this year, a surplus caused by the absence of in-person sales due to the Covid-19 pandemic and a drop in membership. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K574)
MORRISTOWN, NJ—Warning that if you pass the high school you should just keep going because this way is actually quicker, local man Zach Bishop told sources Wednesday that you “want to take three quick lefts” while expertly hiding that he fucked up his directions. “You want to turn on Budd and then Searing, then quick…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K575)
Recent revelations that former President Donald Trump directed the U.S. Justice Department to seek compromising information on politicians, journalists, and others he didn’t like has sent shockwaves through Washington. The Onion looks at the most important things you need to know about Trump’s Justice Department…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K576)
WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration at the prospect of adding yet another basketball player to their collective consciousness, the nation begrudgingly agreed Wednesday to learn Suns guard Devin Booker’s name. “Alright, alright I guess he’s good enough to start keeping tabs on, whatever,” said Elijah Forbes, echoing the…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#5K506)
When letting an evil, bloodthirsty monster into your home to serve as your pet, it never hurts to be prepared. Here are the things every cat owner wished they’d known before adopting.Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K4RV)
Well, that’s a wrap for one of the most jaw-dropping, brain-melting events in gaming history. We’re still catching all our breath from all the great reveals and sneak-peaks, but here’s our wholly preliminary list of the highlights of E3 2021!
|
|
on (#5K3T9)
Around 10,000 volunteers have quit the Tokyo 2020 Olympics in recent weeks amid rising concerns over holding the games during a pandemic with less than 3% of Japan’s population vaccinated. What do you think?Read more...
|
|
on (#5K36V)
A retired nun faces up to 40 years in prison after she admitted to embezzling $835,000 from a Catholic school in California, using tuition fees and donations to subsidize her casino gambling expenses. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K36T)
We’ve seen a wave of shocking announcements and amazing reveals at this year’s all-digital E3, but Nintendo just dropped a bomb that blows everything else out of the water. Breath Of The Wild 2 is finally here, gamers, and it’s embracing the legendary company’s roots by being a vacuum cleaner.
|
 |
on (#5K36S)
ST. PAUL, MN—Droning on and on about how difficult it was to lead a plant-based lifestyle throughout the ’90s and early 2000s, vegetarian Robert Emery rambled to reporters Tuesday about the days when menus only had one non-meat option. “I’m telling you, kids today have no idea what it’s like to go to a restaurant,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#5K36R)
BALTIMORE—In an effort to tap into a large, underserved market, Under Armour launched a new line of workout attire Tuesday aimed at women who need to evade men wearing Under Armour. “We know the kind of speed our athletes need to escape these men,” said spokesperson Elaine Jennings, touting the line’s breathable,…Read more...
|
on (#5K2C2)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to lay to rest concerns that their business model was no longer viable, Uber issued a statement Monday promising they were taking every fucked-up step they could to decrease ride fees. “Although some users may be experiencing prices that are higher than expected right now, please know that…Read more...
on (#5K285)
LAWTON, OK—Stating that the woman was in perfectly fine health and that she saw no reason to spoil the otherwise good news, local doctor Samantha Timmons confirmed Monday she had decided not to ruin her patient Jenna Malvern’s day by informing her she was pregnant. “She came in here so upbeat—glowing, even—and I’d…Read more...
on (#5K1Q4)
El Salvador has become the first country to approve Bitcoin as legal tender, with President Bukele claiming it will increase financial inclusion for the 70% of residents without bank accounts, despite critics warning of the cryptocurrency’s high volatility. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JZ5W)
The developer of the Keystone XL Pipeline has announced it is abandoning the controversial $8 billion project after the Biden administration revoked a key cross-border permit in January, marking a major win for environmentalists. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5JYTS)
There’s nothing better than watching corporations use their powers for good, so we’re happy to report that Sony is putting their money where their mouth is when it comes to environmentalism with a new announcement: For every PS5 they sell, they will plant a PS4 in the Amazon Rainforest.
on (#5JYQR)
Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.Read more...
on (#5JYQS)
Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation speech.
on (#5JYFA)
Turkey’s Marmara Sea is experiencing the largest ever outbreak of “sea snot,” a slimy layer of mucilage caused by rising temperatures and algae overloaded with pollutants, threatening marine life and risking a possible disease outbreak. What do you think?Read more...