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on (#601KY)
A study has found that trained dogs are better at detecting positive Covid cases than a rapid antigen test, with the dogs in the research study accurately identifying 97% of positive cases and taking an estimated 15 seconds to analyze each possible Covid sample. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 16:03 |
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on (#601KX)
IRVING, TX—Calling the product a “game changer” for menstruators with active lifestyles, feminine hygiene brand Kotex announced Friday the release of Expedition, a new line of tampons that includes a very long string so wearers can easily trace their way back home. “Now you can have your period and have your outdoor…Read more...
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on (#601KW)
CINCINNATI—Suddenly expressing a curiosity about the recreational stimulant he had enjoyed as a young adult, local man Terry Coburn, 58, reportedly asked his daughter this week if they still made cocaine. “Oh man, there used to be this stuff that was amazing, what was it called? Oh yeah, cocaine! Do they still make…Read more...
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on (#601KT)
WASHINGTON—In a nationwide study regarding Americans’ preferences of airborne spherical objects, the Pew Research Center found Monday that balloons still ranked first as the nation’s favorite floating orb. “We discovered that balloons far and away ranked as the No. 1 hovering globe across the country,” said study…Read more...
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on (#5ZZG7)
French President Emmanuel Macron gave Queen Elizabeth a horse belonging to the French Republican Guard to mark her jubilee, describing the monarch as the “golden thread” that bound France and Britain during her 70-year reign. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZZG8)
WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported Friday. “At this hour, we gather to mourn the carnage in—actually,…Read more...
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on (#5ZZC4)
COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately 8 million years ago, humans and chimpanzees shared a pal named Robby,…Read more...
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on (#5ZZ6Z)
LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the next 10 minutes, we will proceed as if there is not a school…Read more...
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on (#5ZZ2B)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to address rising gun violence in the state, Texas legislators passed a new law Friday mandating that police wait 24 hours before engaging with active shooters. “Deciding whether or not to respond to an active shooting is an extremely serious decision for any police officer to make, and we want…Read more...
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on (#5ZYZT)
LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these…Read more...
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on (#5ZYZP)
AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be forced to undergo a state-mandated…Read more...
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on (#5ZYZM)
ZURICH—In an effort to add another global revenue stream, FIFA officials announced Friday that the association would begin requiring brand logo tattoos for all players. “Beginning with the 2022 World Cup qualifying matches, it will now be mandatory for all players to have at least one logo representing one of our…Read more...
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on (#5ZXKM)
SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Yeah, it’s strange—I worked for this for years, and yet somehow,…Read more...
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on (#5ZXKJ)
WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned…Read more...
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on (#5ZWZ1)
A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZWTP)
UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX had never existed. “After several days of exhaustive investigations…Read more...
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on (#5ZWTQ)
ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a really difficult day,” said Biden, shaking hands with a…Read more...
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on (#5ZWHX)
With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5ZWHY)
SILVER SPRING, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull had finally made it into outer space. “Simply put, this bird flapped his little heart out, overcoming the…Read more...
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on (#5ZW7H)
HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I have everything I need,” said Sandona, her hair fluttering in the…Read more...
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on (#5ZW7F)
NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members and trying to manipulate them into committing acts of violence we…Read more...
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on (#5ZTYD)
NEW YORK—During a press conference Monday in which it touted the success of its diversity initiative, Connex Marketing Solutions introduced the three Black women it had recently hired to stand next to the company’s CEO, Carter Foss. “We are proud to have these three women join our team, flanking our CEO anytime he’s…Read more...
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on (#5ZTWM)
EVANSTON, IL—Sliding the top bun over to examine what he just bit into, local diner Brad Steffers reportedly decided Monday he was not going to complain to his server in case he accidentally did order a sandwich with a Band-Aid in it. “I’m not a big fan of these, especially on sandwiches, but it’s very possible an…Read more...
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on (#5ZTWJ)
NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this…Read more...
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on (#5ZTWH)
CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy…Read more...
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on (#5ZTWG)
HOUSTON—Touting the energy company’s reemergence as the right business decision at the right time, Enron announced Tuesday that it was reopening. “We’re excited to be back and we’re looking toward the future,” said Jeffrey Skilling, who will be reassuming his role as CEO to oversee a vast portfolio already spanning…Read more...
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on (#5ZSTN)
HARRISBURG, PA—Touting the pill as a “miracle drug” at rallies and in his campaign literature, U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly began selling garcinia cambogia pills Monday that he said were guaranteed to lower taxes. “Folks, dropping those unwanted, stubbornly high tax rates is easier than ever with a…Read more...
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on (#5ZSTK)
After a leaked Supreme Court decision indicated Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, many were shocked and appalled. The Onion asked celebrities how they are supporting legal access to abortion, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5ZSTJ)
Scientists in China have discovered a well-preserved ancient forest at the bottom of a giant sinkhole 630 feet deep with trees more than 100 feet tall that they believe could be home to numerous undiscovered species. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZSTH)
NORFOLK, VA—In a star-spangled ceremony honoring the many contributions of the bodies of water to the Allied cause, the U.S. Navy issued formal thanks Monday to the oceans for their decisive assistance in winning World War II. “Without the tide that carried us into battle or the ocean depths to hide our submarines…Read more...
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on (#5ZSTG)
WASHINGTON—Furiously lifting weights and flexing their muscles while wearing tight, formfitting shirts, the nation’s short bald guys announced plans Monday to become unnervingly ripped. “Today, we, the short men of America with perfectly shaved heads, pledge to build an obscene amount of muscle that will look insane…Read more...
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on (#5ZQKV)
Senate Republicans have blocked a bill designed to combat domestic terrorism by setting up offices to track domestic terrorist activity and identify risks in order to prevent more incidents like the racially motivated mass shooting in Buffalo. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZQ03)
America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die.
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on (#5ZNTR)
GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they…Read more...
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on (#5ZN1J)
Walmart has pulled its ice cream introduced to celebrate Juneteenth after critics decried the move as in poor taste and insensitive. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5ZMRQ)
UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone wolf’ incident, but rather a coordinated attack carried out with…Read more...
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on (#5ZMMQ)
WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment and the original Revenue Act of 1913 makes clear that Apr. 15 is not …Read more...
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on (#5ZMMR)
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a fun way to acknowledge the hard work we do here and to inspire one…Read more...
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on (#5ZMJ5)
UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
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on (#5ZME1)
As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP.Read more...
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on (#5ZMC4)
NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week—a seven-day shore leave in which the characters depart their ships…Read more...
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on (#5ZMC2)
A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think?Read more...
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