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on (#5W77B)
LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 09:03 |
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on (#5W65G)
French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W614)
LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired…Read more...
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on (#5W5GB)
An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W4QV)
EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s,…Read more...
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on (#5W4C2)
EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what…Read more...
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on (#5W4C1)
Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W4BZ)
SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is…Read more...
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on (#5W10H)
Dollywood’s parent company has announced they will start covering 100% of tuition, fees, and books for any of their employees across its 25 U.S. attractions who wish to further their schooling. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W10J)
“How about Jeffrey handles this one goddamn thing, huh? One day out of the year he can get himself a bowl of fucking chips.”Read more...
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on (#5W10K)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Worried it would hinder their capacity to direct meaningful ridicule and abuse at their schoolmates, bullies across Florida expressed concern Thursday that the state’s proposed “Don’t Say Gay” law would make it tougher to identify LGBTQ students to torment. “After failing to consult with a single…Read more...
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on (#5VZBY)
U2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat.Read more...
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on (#5VYWS)
ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an…Read more...
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on (#5VYWR)
TUCSON, AZ—As she nervously wiped another bead of sweat from her brow, sources reported Wednesday that white Spanish teacher Rachel McCuller did an emergency refresher before a meeting with the mother and father of a Latino student. “Come on, come on, come on—I gotta get all these conjugations down before Mr. and Ms.…Read more...
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on (#5VYWP)
CHICAGO—Recklessly delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty cool,” said the stupid…Read more...
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on (#5VYWM)
While banning critical race theory is certainly a dangerous new precedent, the truth is, schools have always censored the history of race in America. Here are several glaring examples of how U.S. history classes are whitewashed.Read more...
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on (#5VXHS)
A French brewer has released a blue beer using algae that has a naturally occurring pigment, collaborating with a firm trying to popularize algae as a dietary supplement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VWSK)
A Tennessee far-right pastor hosted a book burning event, encouraging parishioners to toss books like Harry Potter and Twilight, as well as tarot cards and “voodoo dolls and crystals” into a fire to denounce what he described as “demonic” materials.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VWM9)
A citizen of both China and the United States, Gu is using her platform to promote peace and understanding so the two global powers can band together and crush the rest of the world.Read more...
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on (#5VWF1)
COOKEVILLE, TN—In a move to protect students from being indoctrinated against their will with radical left-wing theories, a teacher at the local high school was reportedly fired Monday for breaking Tennessee’s critical race theory laws when she told her students she was Black. “Simply put, we cannot have a teacher in…Read more...
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on (#5VWF2)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Upon exiting the theater after a showing of American Underdog, local dentist Andrew Breitenstein told friends Monday that he thought the teeth in the film were really accurate. “Man, a lot of these Hollywood productions don’t care about attention to detail, but the teeth in that movie were perfect—they…Read more...
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on (#5VWCM)
WASHINGTON—Signaling a potential change in strategy after a tumultuous first year, Biden administration officials confirmed Monday they were considering a pivot to a good presidency. “While we’re confident that the nation needed flailing, directionless leadership, we are starting to realize that what Americans want is…Read more...
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on (#5VW8B)
A new study has found that gas stoves are contributing more to global warming than previously thought because of constant tiny methane leaks while they’re off, annually putting out an amount of greenhouse gases equivalent to 500,000 gas-powered cars. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VR2D)
Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL after 22 record-breaking seasons, ending his career after winning seven Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VR2C)
Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.
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on (#5VQ44)
Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.
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on (#5VPRY)
JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges…Read more...
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on (#5VPRX)
That’s going to open way fewer doors than a boomer thinks.Read more...
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on (#5VPRW)
Former President Donald Trump promised at a recent rally in Texas that he will pardon supporters who attacked the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 if he runs for and wins the 2024 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VPPQ)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Representing a breakthrough in dental health, a study published Wednesday by Harvard University found that a majority of cavities were formed when people repeatedly ran their tongue over a tooth that felt weird. “In our research, the leading cause of tooth decay was a subject rubbing their tongue along…Read more...
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on (#5VPPP)
NEW YORK—In a finding that reverses decades of conventional scientific wisdom, a sociological study from Columbia University revealed Wednesday that only 97% of eye contact is sexual in nature. “Our research suggests that a stunning 3% of all cases of a coworker, friend, or complete stranger making momentary eye…Read more...
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on (#5VP12)
Pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna is expecting her first child with her boyfriend, rapper A$AP Rocky, debuting her bare baby bump while the couple was on a walk in NYC. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VNB1)
A New York City ethics panel has agreed that Mayor Eric Adams can hire his brother as a senior security adviser, but only at $1 per year and with no power over department personnel, not the $240,000 salary the position was supposedly set to pay. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHPQ)
The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHMJ)
As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now?Read more...
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on (#5VGDY)
Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer.
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on (#5VG7C)
NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on…Read more...
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on (#5VG7D)
WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying…Read more...
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on (#5VFQ3)
SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry,…Read more...
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on (#5VF33)
Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VEWM)
SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously…Read more...
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on (#5VEWK)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,”…Read more...
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