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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-03 06:26 |
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on (#62EXV)
An armed man suspected of trying to breach the FBI’s Cincinnati field office was killed after an hours-long standoff with law enforcement, the attack coming just days after agents from the bureau served a search warrant at the home of former president Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62EPH)
BURBANK, CA—Visibly shaken with fresh bruising on his face, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced Friday that the studio had no plans to scrap upcoming DC Comics film The Flash at this time. “I just wanted to take a moment to clarify that The Flash will be released as planned in June 2023, despite, um,…Read more...
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on (#62EP1)
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago front desk employee reportedly sent the FBI an itemized bill Friday for their 12-hour stay at the resort. “Thank you for visiting Mar-A-Lago, please find an itemized invoice of your expenses attached,”…Read more...
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on (#62EEW)
After an FBI raid on Donald Trump’s residence at Mar-A-Lago, many are questioning whether the 45th president of the United States should run again for office. The Onion asked everyday Americans what they thought, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62EA9)
CHARLESTON, SC—Confessing that this was always the hardest part of his job, local oncologist Dr. William Barlowe told reporters Friday that he wasn’t sure how to break the news to his patient that they were born in America. “It’s sad, but as a medical professional, I have no choice but to sit this man down, look him…Read more...
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on (#62E83)
WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing…Read more...
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on (#62E84)
ATLANTA—Nursing a headache as he tried to piece together where he parked his shuttle, hungover astronaut James Caudry woke up in bed Friday with no idea how he made it back to Earth. “Ugh, the last thing I remember, I was reconnecting a satellite cable with a few buddies from the ISS, and the next thing I know I’m…Read more...
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on (#62E7T)
A new study has found that women can have three types of orgasms, test subjects using a bluetooth-connected vibrator to record the pelvic floor contraction patterns: an avalanche, a volcano, or a wave, with the wave motion being the most common. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62DNA)
NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir…Read more...
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on (#62DMX)
Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CXM)
With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#62CXN)
Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CDW)
A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62CAB)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…Read more...
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on (#62C9Y)
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then…Read more...
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on (#62BS6)
WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph…Read more...
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on (#62BS7)
CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared…Read more...
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on (#62BNK)
A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#62B1X)
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard…Read more...
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on (#62AZ8)
JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point…Read more...
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on (#62AY9)
LOS ANGELES—Claiming she would cherish the headlines they made together for the rest of her life, reality TV star Kim Kardashian vowed Tuesday to never forget the incredible publicity she shared with Saturday Night Live alumnus Pete Davidson. “The last nine months were some of the most widely publicized of my entire…Read more...
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on (#62ADV)
ALLEN PARK, MI—In an effort to provide more support to the athletes during the most difficult parts of filming, the producers of Hard Knocks announced Tuesday they had hired an intimacy coordinator for the set of the show to ensure a safe environment for tackling. “Having an intimacy coordinator working closely with…Read more...
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on (#62ABV)
PITTSBURGH—Hinting that there were plenty of ways to satisfy one’s breakfast cravings beyond what was listed, a menu reportedly suggested Tuesday that the local Bluebonnet Diner was open to trying anything the customer wanted to do to an egg, with “nothing out of bounds.” “Look, whatever you’re into when it comes to…Read more...
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on (#62ABW)
LONDON—In its most significant acknowledgement yet of the British Empire’s well-documented appropriation of cultural relics, sources reported Tuesday that Great Britain returned the looted Stonehenge monument back to India. “This ancient relic of Indian culture was wrongfully dismantled, placed upon ships by the…Read more...
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on (#62ABX)
The U.S. army is developing an Army Tactical Brassiere for female soldiers, with designers considering flame-retardant fabrics and protective materials, while also taking into account the importance of accurate sizing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6296E)
CHICAGO—Taking note of his aging relative’s evolving viewpoint, local 29-year-old Brett Lewis told reporters Monday that his grandfather was now more open-minded about immigrants who arrived in the United States from Poland in the 1890s. “Just a few years ago, you couldn’t talk to Grandpa without him making some…Read more...
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on (#6272E)
Authorities have arrested an 18-year-old security guard who allegedly faked a mass shooting alert in Chicago’s Lollapalooza music festival to get out of work. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#626D4)
Scientists have reported that the Earth is spinning faster, recently recording its shortest day ever on June 29, 2022, at 1.59 millisecond less than the average day, with researchers suggesting that it could eventually lead to the introduction of the first-ever negative leap second. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#626D5)
GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder cried from his perch atop the World Health Organization watchtower,…Read more...
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on (#626D6)
GREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman recruit Nathan Hobbes confirmed to reporters Friday that the U.S. Navy now spends the majority of boot camp teaching its recruits to fence using marlins. “When I enlisted, I really had no idea that nearly…Read more...
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on (#626C0)
ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist, doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients with back pain be treated with some kind of high-tech robot back thing. “It is our…Read more...
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on (#625VF)
WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation his top priority, President Biden told reporters Thursday that the United States would not rest until WNBA star Brittney Griner was returned home to serve a marijuana possession sentence. “Rest assured that we will keep our nose to the…Read more...
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on (#625VG)
AUSTIN, TX—Testifying as part of a defamation lawsuit in which he has been found liable for disseminating lies about the 2012 shoot shooting that took the lives of 26 people, conspiracist and Infowars founder Alex Jones conceded Thursday that Sandy Hook happened on Mars. “I admit the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary…Read more...
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on (#625SD)
Kansas voters have rejected an amendment that would have gotten rid of abortion protections in the state’s constitution, in the first abortion-related election since Roe v. Wade was overturned. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#625PR)
LOS ANGELES—Facing backlash for the environmental impact of her choice and for her general lack of awareness, socialite Kylie Jenner was criticized Thursday for taking a 12-minute flight on her private endangered whooping crane. “It just seems completely unfair that regular people are being asked to make all these…Read more...
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on (#62522)
WESTFORD, MA—Rising above the maelstrom of violence and disorder perpetually raging inside the man’s psyche, a single voice reportedly emerged Thursday from the chaotic whirlwind in the head of Brad Larrick, 33, to suggest he eat an oatmeal raisin cookie. “Go to your cupboard, open the package, and eat an oatmeal…Read more...
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