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on (#5NA5W)
BROOKLYN, NY—Scouring every cabinet and drawer in a frantic search for the remedy, a panicked Danny DeVito ran out of the anti-growth serum that keeps him under five feet, sources confirmed Friday. “Shit, shit, shit, where is it?!” said the alarmed actor as his body began to rapidly expand, sprouting six-pack abs,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 20:00 |
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on (#5N9XX)
BALTIMORE—In a new study published Friday in the Journal Of Abnormal Psychology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University concluded there was no greater sign of delusion than when, on your last day of work, you send coworkers your personal email address in hopes of keeping in touch. “The belief that any of your…Read more...
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on (#5N9MB)
Wesleyan College in West Virginia has announced that it will not be mandating Covid-19 vaccines for students, and instead will be charging unvaccinated students a non-refundable $750 fee to pay for expenses associated with testing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N9MA)
NEW ORLEANS—Having been informed by friends that such an item of clothing was essential in the Pacific Northwest, area man Walter Katrakis told reporters Friday he was shopping around for a nice fire-resistant jacket in anticipation of his move to Portland, OR. “I read that the Pacific Northwest can get up to 15 feet…Read more...
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on (#5N9M9)
Whether you’ve just moved or want to upgrade your current decor, it’s essential to know what you’re looking for before buying new furniture. The Onion offers helpful tips for making the most of your new furniture purchases.Read more...
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on (#5N8TM)
If motherhood is supposed to be the most beautiful experience in the world, then why is there so much piss, shit, and vomit? Here are the most disgusting things every new parent immediately gets used to.
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on (#5N8RK)
LONDON—Coming to for the first time in decades, Jimmy Wales reportedly glanced up Thursday to realize he had gotten sucked into a Wikipedia rabbit hole for the past 20 years. “Oh, yikes, I remember back in 2001 I was just going to spend a little time founding this new online encyclopedia, but then that led to…Read more...
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on (#5N8RM)
NEW ORLEANS—Breathing heavily after the long run returning the chew toy to the 27-year-old quarterback, local dog Tootsie expressed frustration Thursday after Jameis Winston sailed a tennis ball five feet over his head. “Are you kidding me? I’m wide open,” said the golden retriever, who lamented running a perfect…Read more...
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on (#5N8PS)
Executive producer Mike Richards and actor Mayim Bialik have been named permanent co-hosts of Jeopardy!, with Richards hosting the daily syndicated program and Bialik hosting the primetime series and new spinoffs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N8GR)
GREENVILLE, CA—Hoping to score a rare piece of prime real estate, numerous California homebuyers were reportedly locked in a bidding war Thursday over the charred remains of a ranch house. “A home like this with such lovely architecture so rarely comes onto the market that we’re not going to let a little thing like it…Read more...
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on (#5N8AR)
APOLLO—Wondering what he could do to be a good ally to those starting near a crossbow or pistol, KingBrian606 was reckoning with his privilege Thursday after dropping right next to a tactical shotgun. “I did nothing to deserve this level of firepower, and yet here I am basically guaranteed a top-10 finish,” said…Read more...
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on (#5N85B)
A new report has found that the chief executives of the U.S.’s largest public firms have seen their pay skyrocket by 1,322% since 1978, compared to an 18% increase for the typical worker within the same period. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N7AW)
True-crime stories have become increasingly popular in television shows, podcasts, and other media, but critics say that their entertainment value has negative consequences on the subjects of stories and listeners. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making true-crime stories entertainment.
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on (#5N7AX)
NEW YORK—Tempting him with the promise that they could rule New York forever, the novel coronavirus reportedly encouraged a disgraced, vengeful Andrew Cuomo to take his place by his side Wednesday. “With our powers combined, there’s no telling what we could achieve,” said the infectious disease to the embittered…Read more...
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on (#5N77Y)
The Senate passed a historic $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill that funds roads, bridges, and new climate resilience initiatives, delivering a key component of President Biden’s legislative agenda. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N6Z9)
CHICAGO—Holding a press conference from the kitchen of a sunny two-flat, the nation’s houseplants confirmed Wednesday that pots are, in fact, their pants. “Yes, the pots we sit in are the botanical equivalent of pants,” said the nation’s official spokesplant, a Pilea peperomioides called “Beatrice,” confirming the…Read more...
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on (#5N6PH)
Apple has unveiled plans to scan U.S. iPhones and other devices for images of child sexual abuse to thwart pedophiles, drawing praise from child protection groups while raising concerns over potential misuse among privacy advocates. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N6PG)
LONDONDERRY, NH—Leaving its hungry owner completely in the lurch, a piece of bullshit antique china didn’t even say if it was microwave safe, sources confirmed Wednesday. “What the fuck? Will this old-ass piece of shit break in the microwave or not?” said antique china set owner Alex Carson, adding that he didn’t want…Read more...
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on (#5N5T3)
LONDON—Disappointed in her son for not keeping the family in mind, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II reportedly scolded her son Prince Andrew this week for having sex with minors outside the royal bloodline. “It is none of my business if you wish to consort with teenagers, but for God’s sake, at least find a girl within…Read more...
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on (#5N5T2)
ALBANY, NY—Demonstrating the potential pitfalls of rushing to conclusions, Andrew Cuomo’s sexual harassment scandal and subsequent resignation reportedly served as a somber reminder Tuesday that leaders who are bad at their job can have a dark side too. “You wouldn’t think someone who’s had accusations of corruption…Read more...
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on (#5N5QT)
ALBANY, NY—In an effort to take responsibility for the scandal that ultimately led to his resignation, departing governor Andrew Cuomo apologized Tuesday for his role in hiring so many crazy liars determined to sabotage his political career. “I am the one who approved these staffing decisions and ultimately have no…Read more...
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on (#5N5T4)
Full article.Read more...
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on (#5N5PH)
The Pentagon has announced that U.S. troops will be required to get vaccinated against Covid-19 by September 15, noting that the deadline could be moved up pending FDA approval. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N5MR)
WASHINGTON—Rallying patients lying unconscious in the intensive care unit of George Washington University Hospital, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) called on those intubated due to Covid-19 to rise up from their hospital beds and choose freedom, sources confirmed Tuesday. “To all you brave patriots who have been imprisoned in…Read more...
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on (#5N5JF)
AUSTIN, TX—Having nearly given up on the concept of self development entirely, the last flickering ember of area man Lawrence Tell’s interest in personal growth led him to consider taking up kayaking, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I heard it’s supposed to be a good workout,” said the 33-year-old’s final grasp at getting…Read more...
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on (#5N5JG)
HOUSTON—Calling it an “extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime” celestial event, astronomers announced Tuesday that the Lord God Almighty’s penis would be visible in the night sky for the first time in a millennia. “Tonight, for the first time in over 1,000 years, the Holy Father’s divine phallus will descend from Heaven…Read more...
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on (#5N570)
Officials have closed areas around Lake Tahoe after discovering chipmunks infected with Bubonic plague, a disease that killed 25 million people in the 14th century pandemic but is now treatable with antibiotics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N46Z)
The U.S. won 39 gold medals and 113 medals overall at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, which is more than any other competing country for the seventh consecutive Summer Games, with China coming in second. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MYR7)
Poland has granted a humanitarian visa to a Belarusian Olympic sprinter who refused to board a flight home from Tokyo because she feared she’d be arrested upon arrival after criticizing team officials. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MXSJ)
WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of…Read more...
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on (#5MWE2)
WALTHAM, MA—Reminiscing wistfully about her departed spouse, local woman Helen Calkins reportedly wished Monday that her husband was still alive to help her bury his body in their garden. “Oh, Frank always loved getting his hands dirty in the backyard, so it would have been a real pleasure for him to dig a shallow…Read more...
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on (#5MWA1)
BOSTON—Abandoning its most sacred duty to defend the sight organ from dust and other ocular irritants, a traitorous eyelash got into the eye of local man Richard Paulson despite being sworn to protect it, sources confirmed Monday. “You son of a bitch, I never should have trusted you,” said Paulson, his eye watering as…Read more...
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on (#5MS4A)
PBS’s educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MPNQ)
U.S. gymnastics star Simone Biles withdrew from the 2021 Tokyo Olympics individual and team finals, claiming the overwhelming pressure to win might have caused her to injure herself in her stressed out state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MPJJ)
ATLANTA—Admitting that she was caught off guard by the resurgent threat, CDC director Rochelle Wolensky expressed alarm Wednesday after Googling “Covid cases” for the first time in weeks. “Holy shit, I haven’t been checking in on the coronavirus because I thought we’d turned a corner, but damn, this looks really bad,”…Read more...
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on (#5MN3Z)
YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no way I would’ve gotten that stupid jab if I knew I could still go up in…Read more...
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on (#5MKZE)
NEW YORK—Urging the Grammy-winning rapper to take as much time as he needed on the project, the nation assured Kanye West Monday that they don’t care enough about his forthcoming album, Donda, to justify him stressing so much about trying to release it soon. “We’ll give it a spin, but look, don’t wear yourself out,”…Read more...
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on (#5MFNN)
“I have no idea how to swim.”Read more...
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on (#5MCWD)
Maine has become the first state in the country to shift costs of recycling from taxpayers to the companies that create consumer packaging, while also giving them the responsibility of disposing of nonrecyclable containers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MC90)
CORVALLIS, OR—Stressing that he was hesitant to get one until more evidence came to light, local man Jeff Bryan told reporters Monday that he was just waiting to observe the long-term effects of the Covid-19 vaccine over the next several eons. “Look, I get that people are saying it’s safe right now, but I think I’d…Read more...
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