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on (#5R4F3)
BALTIMORE, MD—Noting an unfortunate lack of will power and determination, sources confirmed Monday that local family the Johnsons were so lazy that they had kept their daughter’s room exactly the way it was before she died. “It’s easy to procrastinate, and you can always get distracted by stuff like the memorial…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 00:18 |
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on (#5R4DG)
Senator Joe Manchin has said that he has previously offered to change his political party affiliation to Independent if he were an “embarrassment” to his Democratic colleagues, adding that no Democrats accepted the offer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R1E2)
The House of Representatives has voted to hold former Trump adviser Steve Bannon in congressional contempt for ignoring subpoenas related to the investigation into the January 6th insurrection, with the Justice Department now having to decide on the prosecution. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R15A)
They’re always there, in every ripple of water and maze of branches, smiling and waiting, so you may as well know it.Read more...
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on (#5R12E)
The White House on Wednesday unveiled its plan to give 28 million U.S. children vaccinations against Covid-19. The Onion looks at the key details of Biden’s child vaccination plan.
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on (#5QZZV)
ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL player who retires and loses all their earnings within five years,”…Read more...
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on (#5QZS7)
WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put forward this extensive, once-in-a-generation communique, which is the first…Read more...
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on (#5QZRN)
Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.Read more...
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on (#5QX64)
MIAMI—Promising to remain current on any recommendations that might gain traction on social media or receive a platform on right-wing news outlets, officials at Miami’s Centner Academy stated Tuesday that they always revised their Covid guidelines to reflect the latest misinformation. “Rest assured, before we decide…Read more...
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on (#5QX1Q)
Dozens of self-driving Waymo vehicles have been inexplicably driving into one San Francisco cul-de-sac, only to make multi-point turns and leave the way they came, with company representatives explaining they’re following road rules to limit traffic elsewhere. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QX1R)
WAUKESHA, WI—Hailing the massive specimen as the greatest NFL discovery of the century, league scientists announced Tuesday that they have discovered a perfectly preserved fourth Watt brother frozen in a Wisconsin beer cooler. “This is a historic find for football that could finally be the crucial missing link between…Read more...
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on (#5QWVM)
WASHINGTON—Warning that anxieties were rising rapidly, authorities announced Tuesday that concern was mounting over nothing in particular. “We’re seeing a trend towards escalating anxiety which, if left unattended, could spill into full-blown panic,” said researcher Todd Mills, confirming that overwhelmingly negative…Read more...
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on (#5QVBR)
A Texas school administrator was recorded at a training session advising teachers that if they have a book about the Holocaust in their classroom, they should also offer students access to a book from an “opposing” perspective. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QVBS)
WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to bring the centrist lawmaker aboard for the party’s signature legislation, Democrats reportedly attempted to woo Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) Monday by taping a single Hershey’s Kiss to the reconciliation bill’s latest draft. “Although we understand Joe won’t budge on certain issues, we…Read more...
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on (#5QV9T)
CHICAGO—Following an 80-74 win over the Phoenix Mercury, the Chicago Sky erupted in celebration this week after clinching the franchise’s first-ever mention in a newspaper’s sports section. “They said it would never happen in Chicago, but here we are, right at the bottom of the page in the corner,” said star center…Read more...
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on (#5QV6X)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Acknowledging the need to issue federal guidelines before the season’s crisp, cooler weather spread across the country, a special advisory committee of the Food and Drug Administration reportedly met Monday to formulate recommendations for hearty autumn soup recipes. “While we have agreed that…Read more...
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on (#5QV6Y)
CINCINNATI—In a new corporate partnership with the NCAA, Procter & Gamble unveiled a football halftime contest this week that awarded full tuition to any student who could eat an entire line of the company’s products. “Contestants will start with paper products and work their way through hair care, skin care, feminine…Read more...
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on (#5QKVT)
DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more...
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on (#5QKRX)
The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming?Read more...
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on (#5QGC4)
NEW ROCHELLE, NY—As the nation’s attitudes toward its own history continue to change, a new study published Friday revealed American support for Indigenous Peoples’ Day significantly increases when it is made clear that it would still be a three-day weekend. “As long as I can still stay up late on Sunday and grill on…Read more...
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on (#5QEW5)
A Russian film crew and actor have become the first to shoot a feature film in space after boarding the International Space Station on Tuesday, beating Tom Cruise who has partnered with NASA and SpaceX to film in space later this year. What do you think?Read more...
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Mariners Promise Fans They’ll Be Back To Finish 2022 Playoff Race In Even More Heartbreaking Fashion
on (#5QE1E)
SEATTLE—Comforting the city after having their hopes dashed in the final week of the season, the Seattle Mariners promised their fans Wednesday that they would be working hard to finish next year’s playoff race in even more heartbreaking fashion. “We know this was tough, but this was just the beginning; you haven’t…Read more...
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on (#5QDZ3)
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Rapidly turning his head between the spreading leak and the approaching flames, rescue worker Toby Marwell reportedly remarked “uh-oh” Wednesday while standing slack-jawed and watching the California wildfires and oil spill draw ever closer together. “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” said Marwell, grimacing…Read more...
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on (#5QDCJ)
SUDBURY, MA—Explaining that it was nice having a little something for older viewers, local parents Todd and Laila Fischer told reporters Wednesday that children’s movie Peter And The Enchanted Forest had a couple moments that condescend to adults, too. “Obviously, most of the insipid garbage in this movie is just…Read more...
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on (#5QCEX)
David Lee Roth, original and current lead singer of Van Halen after a rotation of several other frontmen, has announced his retirement, saying the band’s next slate of scheduled concerts will be his last. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QCEY)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Meyer admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work…Read more...
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on (#5QCC1)
NASHVILLE, TN—Confirming fans’ long-held suspicions about the subtext of the film, Harry Styles revealed Tuesday that Dunkirk was about the female orgasm. “On the surface, it looks like a standard war film, but it’s actually something much sexier,” said Styles, who shared the secret meaning of the 2017 Christopher…Read more...
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on (#5QCC2)
MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in…Read more...
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on (#5QC8W)
Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses,…Read more...
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on (#5Q9X1)
DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown,…Read more...
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on (#5Q7HV)
LOS ANGELES—Calling it “a tough period to navigate,” sources confirmed Friday that popular teenage actress Makayla Caracci was going through that awkward stage between cute kid and hyper-sexualized young adult. “She just turned 14, so she’s at a difficult age when her audience has dwindled to a few of her fellow…Read more...
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on (#5Q7HW)
NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed,…Read more...
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on (#5Q7AR)
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed moving 23 species from the Federal Lists of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants to a list of extinct species, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, while citing humans as the ultimate cause. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q6N9)
Alabama, which has the highest death rate from Covid-19 in America, is planning to use $400 million from the American Rescue Plan, nearly 20% of the state’s pandemic relief money, to build three new prisons. What do you think?
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on (#5Q6F0)
QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA—In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the mobility, migratory habits, and fashion sensibilities of a species that lived 94 million years ago, researchers at the Brigham Young University announced Thursday they had unearthed the world’s largest dinosaur shoe print. “Thanks to its…Read more...
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on (#5Q6BR)
Research has found no stronger indicator of excess weed smoking than being Derek.Read more...
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on (#5Q6EM)
COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply…Read more...
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on (#5Q67T)
BOSTON—Explaining that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I figure all I need…Read more...
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on (#5Q67S)
LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was…Read more...
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on (#5Q5A1)
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has warned lawmakers that the federal government could run short of cash to pay its bills by October 18th, after Republicans blocked a measure to increase or suspend the debt ceiling. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q55Y)
YONKERS, NY—Complaining that he would absolutely not shut up about the insects and their “incredible abilities,” sources told reporters Wednesday that local man Jeff Granger was going way overboard with his newfound appreciation of ants after watching a nature documentary. “Look, I get it, ants are cool, but if I hear…Read more...
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on (#5Q51G)
A new study suggests today’s children will experience extreme climate events at a rate that is two to seven times higher than people born in 1960, forecasting that heatwaves will be the most prevalent, occurring 36 times more over the lifetime of a child born in 2014. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q4W9)
BOSTON—Having exhausted the possibilities of the chromosome pairs that came preloaded on the original human genome, researchers at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Genetics told reporters Wednesday they had unlocked 47 new editable genes following their purchase of a CRISPR expansion pack. “This add-on has a ton…Read more...
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on (#5Q4WA)
UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the plus side, if get vaccinated, I could get to continue to live my life…Read more...
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