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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-02 20:48 |
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on (#5KQA3)
Record heat has hit parts of the Pacific Northwest as part of a general trend of global warming, putting people unused to such extreme heat in potential danger. The Onion offers helpful tips for staying safe during a heat wave.
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on (#5KQA4)
NEW YORK—In a stunning turn of events likely to forever alter the organization’s makeup, a power-hungry goose seized control of the Audubon Society in a bloody coup Wednesday, sources monitoring the situation confirmed. “What began as a typical Audubon Society executive meeting came to a sudden halt after a…Read more...
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on (#5KP16)
LAS VEGAS—Finding himself escorted from the premises as soon as his transgression came to light, professional poker player Curt Manginis was banned from The Venetian Casino’s Texas hold ’em tournament Tuesday for deceiving his opponents by knowingly betting on a weak hand. “Curt just kept raising and raising so we…Read more...
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on (#5KMM6)
Banish that hangover by eating a large, well-balanced pile of medicine.Read more...
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on (#5KMCR)
BALTIMORE—Dashing hopes of a return to the Earth’s only natural satellite, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration played down plans for another Moon mission Monday, explaining that Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong was the only person who knew how to get up there. “Unfortunately, despite repeated attempts…Read more...
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on (#5KM6S)
NEW YORK—In a blistering condemnation of the 24-year-old multiplatinum recording artist, a coalition of music critics and pop culture writers held a press conference Monday to excoriate Lorde, explaining that they just felt it was time for them to begin laying into her as hard as they could. “Lorde has gone almost a…Read more...
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on (#5KM65)
WASHINGTON—Barging into your bedroom and turning on the lights, the nation’s moms announced Monday that there was no way in hell you’re sleeping until noon every day this summer. “I don’t care if you have to go to bed early every night, if that’s what it takes, but you’re not about to just piss away your summer…Read more...
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on (#5KHSA)
Rudy Giuliani’s law license has been suspended in New York state after an appellate court found that he made “demonstrably false and misleading statements” about the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KHMN)
Jesus Christ, we don’t know what to say, gamers. There are many strange and, indeed, unsettling things on the internet, but this latest one crosses the line of all that is decent and good in the world: Some sick freak named X_Switch_58 drew fanart of Mario just wearing normal jeans and a red shirt, and it isn’t…Read more...
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on (#5KHKA)
This week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of a former high schooler who had been punished by her Pennsylvania school for using profanity in a Snapchat caption posted when she wasn’t on school grounds. The Onion looks back at notable First Amendment court cases in U.S. history.
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on (#5KHG1)
“After year of Chris constantly asking me to check out his band, I finally did and, look, even I have limits.”Read more...
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on (#5KHEJ)
RACINE, WI—Touting the new product as a more compassionate way to end the lives of common household pests, Raid introduced a holy water–infused spray Friday that allows cockroaches to be baptized and die as Christians. “We know how important it is to rid your home of roaches, moths, spiders, and other bugs, and now…Read more...
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on (#5KGA7)
Over 150 employees at a Houston hospital system who refused to get the Covid-19 vaccine have resigned or been fired after a judge dismissed an employee lawsuit over the hospital’s vaccine requirement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KG82)
FromSoftware fans were thrilled to finally see the full reveal of Elden Ring at E3 2021, and since that dramatic footage’s release, one huge revelation leaked out that will have anyone who loved Game Of Thrones celebrating: George R.R. Martin himself just confirmed that halfway through the game his engrossing…Read more...
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on (#5KG2Y)
MILFORD, CT—Addressing recent questions about the integrity of ingredients in one of the chain’s most popular sandwiches, Subway CEO John Chidsey issued a formal apology Thursday for trusting a fish who allegedly submitted false documents to the restaurant in order to pass as a tuna. “Subway has always prided itself…Read more...
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on (#5KG07)
CHICAGO—In an awe-inspiring display of brute strength, beefy gym man Matthew Brennan was reportedly drinking from a gallon water jug Thursday like a mythical giant. According to observers, the large muscular gym-goer lifted the oversized drinking receptacle to his lips with the unsettling ease of a 100-foot titan…Read more...
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on (#5KG08)
BALTIMORE, MD—Heralding the trial as a major step forward in the field of medicine, scientists at Johns Hopkins University announced Thursday the first successful experiment to bankrupt a mouse that couldn’t afford a cancer drug. “Today is a landmark day in cancer research as we were able, for the first time, to give…Read more...
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on (#5KFYM)
Weddings may cost $80,000 and generally suck shit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yours in the moment. Here are some of the worst mistakes all brides make when they walk down the aisle.Read more...
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on (#5KFXC)
WASHINGTON—In a devastating setback to negotiations that have been plagued for weeks by partisan gridlock, sources confirmed Friday that infrastructure talks in Congress came to a halt after a giant sinkhole opened up beneath the Capitol, swallowing the building and its occupants whole. “Unfortunately, our attempts to…Read more...
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on (#5KFSQ)
A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.
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on (#5KFEA)
New Zealand’s Laurel Hubbard will be the first openly transgender athlete to compete in the Olympics for the women’s weightlifting team, which some critics are calling unfair, despite Hubbard meeting stringent IOC requirements that include testosterone levels. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KEQF)
The White House has confirmed that the U.S. will fall short of President Biden’s goal to have 70% of the population at least partially vaccinated against Covid-19 by July 4, saying that number will most likely be achieved by mid-July. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KEPK)
NEW YORK—Imploring him to turn away before it was too late, a tiny voice in the back of area man Matthew Nanousi’s head reportedly whispered, “You don’t have to do this!” as he prepared to click on an article Wednesday about actor Michael B. Jordan’s recent cultural appropriation mishap. “Please, stop while you still…Read more...
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on (#5KEJY)
NEW YORK—Flipping through a rack of NYPD T-shirts at a gift shop, former mayoral candidate Andrew Yang told reporters Wednesday that he was picking up a few souvenirs on his way back home from his New York trip. “So far I’ve got an ‘I heart NY’ mug and a New York license plate keychain with my name on it,” said Yang,…Read more...
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on (#5KECT)
Nuclear energy produces about 10% of the world’s electricity, but there are many common misconceptions about its usage and consequences. The Onion debunks common myths about nuclear energy.
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on (#5KECV)
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed this week that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...
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on (#5KE9G)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Stressing that they were trying to fix the problem as quickly as possible, the International Space Station issued an apology Wednesday after excessive power usage accidentally shorted out the entire galaxy. “Essentially, we tried to use the convection oven while the air filtration system was on and,…Read more...
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on (#5KE9J)
Plopping your child in front of a big glowing screen for 12 hours a day may be the ultimate parenting hack, but sometimes you have to be careful. Here are several kids’ shows that actually had some very adult story lines.Read more...
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on (#5KDY9)
Nicaragua’s National Police have arrested a fifth presidential candidate, bringing the total number of opposition leaders detained for vague “national security” violations ahead of the November general election against current President Daniel Ortega to 15. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KD2E)
NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thought to run a…Read more...
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on (#5KCX0)
ELKTON, MD—In an effort to avoid appearing too desperate, local 911 operator Denise Sarris confirmed Tuesday that she likes to let the phone ring for a couple of seconds so her callers don’t get the impression that she’s just standing by the phone all day. “When I get a call, I always like to wait three or four rings,…Read more...
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on (#5KCTG)
WASHINGTON—Urging the nation to get a head start on what they described as an inevitable decision, the Brookings Institute released a statement Tuesday encouraging Americans to start thinking about what form of government they would like to try after democracy crumbles. “We’re urging this country’s citizens to really…Read more...
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on (#5KB6X)
DENTON, TX—Noting their propensity for antics and shenanigans, area couple Zack Evans and Julie Stuber told reporters Monday they think they’re pretty fun. “Say what you will, but we think we’re just a riot,” said Stuber, explaining that the two brought different things to the table, with Evans always being quick with…Read more...
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on (#5KB70)
“Is it time for us to fight now or are we waiting until after the crew takes lunch?”Read more...
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on (#5K7TD)
DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just says ‘Thanks for everything’ inside, which is vague and brief like I wanted, but…Read more...
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on (#5K694)
MIAMI—Touting the new vacation package as a never-to-be-repeated limited-time offer, Norwegian Cruise Line announced Thursday it would begin offering a special “Now or Never” tour of sites that still remain above water on the Arctic coast. “We invite travelers to join us as we sail past the rugged majestic tundra for…Read more...
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on (#5K693)
From the most thrilling historic championships to the lowliest mid-season baseball game, announcers and broadcasters frequently define the experience of passively absorbing someone else’s amazing achievements. Here are some of the most iconic sportscasters of all time.Read more...
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on (#5K690)
U.S. Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan has been given a four-year ban from the sport after the Athletics Integrity Unit rejected her claim that a contaminated pork burrito she ate caused her positive steroid test. What do you think?Read more...
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