The Onion

WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its Moon are indeed in a…Read more...

GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been…Read more...

After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.Read more...

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The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle, Portland, and New York “anarchy jurisdictions,” and President Trump announced he would withhold federal aid from those cities, though constitutional law experts say the order would not likely be upheld in court. What do you think?Read more...

The Canadian television sitcom Schitt’s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, taking home nine prizes, including all seven major awards for which it was nominated, and setting a record for most Emmy wins for a comedy series in a single season. What do you think?Read more...

LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger…Read more...

ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about…Read more...

SAGINAW, MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table, local girlfriend Michelle Slagle, 27, was doing something with the leaves from outside, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It could be that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri, but there’s really…Read more...

BANDON, OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part, area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker. “Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would, I…Read more...

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JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a toy, so you shouldn’t play with it unless you can’t think of anything…Read more...

Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.Read more...

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Airlines in Japan, Brunei, Taiwan, and Australia have begun offering short flights that take off and land in the same location for people who miss flying, with many flights selling out as soon as they become available. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment, a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job. “I’m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire!” said the smoke alarm, which…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver, top self-defense experts confirmed Monday that seizing the barrel of your assailant’s gun and pushing it against your own forehead remains the foremost method of demonstrating that you no longer care whether you live or die.…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help alleviate the city’s worsening crisis, Mayor Eric Garcetti unveiled a new initiative Monday to assist homeless individuals by sending around some Zillow listings that looked pretty reasonable. “We need to act decisively to help our unhoused brothers and sisters, which is why I’ve…Read more...

Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.Read more...

Fires blazing across the West Coast have left Portland, Oregon with the most polluted air in the world right now according to air-quality monitoring site IQAir, which lists the city’s air as “actively hazardous.” What do you think?Read more...

The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards will broadcast live this Sunday hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, with performers and nominees participating from their homes. What do you think?Read more...

HOUMA, LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing, local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids. “Jesus Christ, this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘Kids’ right there!” said Biddle, who leapt…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay to have…Read more...

The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of the country will be habitable in the future, a reality that would reshape America in many ways. The Onion looks at the effects of future climate change migration.

SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years, researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings. “Although we have been…Read more...

Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.Read more...

The Caribbean island nation of Barbados plans to remove Queen Elizabeth as its head of state by the end of 2021 and become an independent republic. What do you think?Read more...

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Scientific American released an editorial condemning Donald Trump and urging readers to vote for Joe Biden, citing his plans on the coronavirus, health care, and the environment, marking the magazine’s first formal presidential endorsement since it began in 1845. What do you think?Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be’s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic, sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough for their wedding to become a superspreader event. “At first, I thought…Read more...

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Gary Borkowski, Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker, shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups, finding overlooked sleeper picks, and scouring the waiver wire to improve your roster.

Okay, gamers, we’re going to level with you here. We’ve got some brand-new PS5 images that by all rights we should be super excited to share with you, but as the time came closer and closer to publishing them we started realizing that we’re actually dreading it because, honestly, you guys can be really fucking mean…Read more...

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STORLIEN, SWEDEN—Stressing the campaign would provide more academic and deep-powder opportunities for female students, the Linköping Project announced their SVEN Initiative Thursday to help young girls become Swedish scientists who ski snowy slopes. “We want to empower women everywhere to realize there is nothing…Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s practice. “This is a new system, so I don’t know whether we go over…Read more...

On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.Read more...

Pop icon Madonna announced that she will direct her own biopic, co-written with screenwriter Diablo Cody, about her life and five-decade career. What do you think?Read more...

Meteorologists say that smoke from California’s record-setting wildfires is now floating in the atmosphere high above a large swath of the country, creating hazy skies as far as New York. What do you think?Read more...

BAY LAKE, FL—Following his team’s elimination from the NBA playoffs, Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard was reportedly worried Wednesday that he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free Wi-Fi. “All of these free soaps, free breakfasts, and an ice maker right down the hall—this is the kind of…Read more...

CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees, horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they’d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again. “As a…Read more...

The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, virtually hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.

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CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology, Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives. “In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor,…Read more...

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