The Onion

MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there are…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. “We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse…Read more...

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BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he’ll never use in real life. “I guess I’m technically supposed to know this stuff, but there’s no way I’ll ever…Read more...

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BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the…Read more...

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CALGARY, ALBERTA—Expressing frustration that she could not live up to such lofty standards, local woman Beatrice Golliver told reporters Friday she was devastated when she first realized she would never be as beautiful as Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. “When I was younger, I thought I…Read more...

American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries.

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing study of the nation’s attitudes toward confined spaces from which there is no perceivable escape, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found nearly all Americans hate being trapped in mazes. “Almost 95% of the U.S. residents we surveyed told us they really did not…Read more...

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A woman in the U.K. gave birth to twins conceived three weeks apart in a rare phenomenon called superfetation, which occurs when a separate, new pregnancy occurs during an initial pregnancy. What do you think?Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Weighing in on the matter after you had dressed for work and departed for the office, a new report issued Thursday determined that your choice of outfit this morning sure was an interesting one. “Wow, you look…um, that’s quite the ensemble you’ve got going there,” the report read in part, before continuing…Read more...

Boy, we have been absolutely loving our last few weeks slicing up Rachnoids and exploring the world outside Kamura village in Monster Hunter Rise. And, hey, if you happen to be on the fence because the idea of hunting creatures for loot doesn’t quite sit right with you, we have some great news. One of Rise’s best new…Read more...

BRYN MAWR, PA—Referring to the golf classic as a welcome change of pace, sources confirmed Thursday that the 2021 Masters was offering a brief respite to viewers who barely suffered from the pandemic. “I’m glad I can finally enjoy some major golf after spending all this time cooped up in my beach house,” said golf…Read more...

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Chile’s government distributed, and quietly recalled, 276,890 potentially flawed packets of birth control pills in 2020, resulting in at least 170 women believing they got pregnant because of the error. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Squeaking wildly to one another as the almost forgotten sound of human footsteps echoed through the lobby, a swarm of rats scrambled to hide their miniature, fully functioning amusement park and resort before workers returned to a local office building, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, the…Read more...

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Yahoo announced that its long-running Q&A platform, Yahoo Answers, which quickly became a magnet for internet trolls and comedians to offer unhelpful responses, will permanently shut down on May 4. What do you think?Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is incomplete, and I assure constituents we are working tirelessly on stopgap…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Dismissing the pay inequities between men and women in basketball as a problem that the women have not actually worked to solve, Warriors forward Draymond Green told reporters Wednesday that WNBA players who want to get paid should just hitch themselves to once-in-a-lifetime shooters. “Why don’t you go…Read more...

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PENSACOLA, FL—Wondering if this was a sign that their relationship was “official,” local 17-year-old high school student Sophie Garrett was overheard Wednesday asking her friend what it means when the guy you like wants a blanket pardon. “Has a guy ever mentioned something called a ‘blanket pardon,’” said the senior…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released Wednesday from Wharton Business School, a growing number of companies are considering a hybrid model in which half of their workforce returns to the office while the other half is laid off. “The past year has really opened our eyes to far more flexible office models,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the deterioration of roadside dinosaur statues and giant twine balls, President Joe Biden unveiled a $4 trillion bill Wednesday to restore the nation’s crumbling highway attractions. “For far too long, our nation’s giant fiberglass hot dogs and triceratops statues have fallen into a state of…Read more...

Whether they served as powerful elected officials or as important figureheads behind the scenes, women have been key members of government since the dawn of time. Here are several influential women throughout history who shaped politics today as we know it.Read more...

Kyoto’s cherry blossoms peaked on March 26, the earliest bloom on record since 812 A.D., which scientists warn is a symptom of the larger climate crisis threatening ecosystems all across the globe. What do you think?Read more...

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?Read more...

The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand what’s driving it. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.

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WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age…Read more...

When publisher Dotemu announced they were coming out with an all-new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, everyone on our staff was over the moon imagining our favorite mutant fighters once again hitting the mean streets of New York to brawl it out with archenemies like Krang or Beebop and maybe even scrounge up a…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES— Following the $668,000 sale of a digital painting by Sophia, local fan Kerry Hayes reportedly became disillusioned with the mononymic robot artist Tuesday upon learning that she came from money. “Surprise, surprise—Sophia’s upbringing involved a great deal of money and connections,” said the disappointed…Read more...

CHICAGO—Promising it was no big deal at all, your thoughtful and generous friend Margaret Caffrey announced Tuesday she was willing to house-sit for nothing but the opportunity to go through all your stuff. “I’m more than happy to hold down the fort [and rummage around in your personal belongings] while you’re out of…Read more...

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A man returning to the parking lot after grocery shopping found an estimated 15,000 bees inside his car, which experts say likely happened after the swarm followed the queen bee through the vehicle’s open window. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Asking those in attendance to lower their heads in memory of the shared sacrifice the entire nation made over the last year, the NCAA men’s title game opened Monday evening with a moment of silence to honor the regular season games lost to Covid-19. “A lot of people worked really hard to make sure this…Read more...

Hundreds were ordered to evacuate the Tampa Bay area due to a wastewater reservoir on the brink of collapse that could unleash 340 million gallons in a possible 20-foot high wall of water containing fertilizer runoff. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute cerealocracy. “These anti-democratic measures represent yet another clear indication…Read more...

A heartwarming co-op adventure game, this title proves that any relationship can be saved with the help of magical transmutation and a sentient book.Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Promising the victorious NCAA champions lands resplendent with game, wheat, and olive groves, Pope Francis announced Monday that he was awarding the men’s basketball team of Catholic Gonzaga University with rich, sprawling fiefdoms for bringing college basketball under Vatican control. “These brave…Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could…Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Noting the complete lack of memorable details to help the date stick in your mind, sources confirmed Monday that today isn’t one you’re going to remember. “We’ve found that this 24-hour period will make zero impression on you in the long run,” said sources, adding that the current day would be neither…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Promising his increasingly bored teammates that he just needed another few attempts to get warmed up, center Blake Griffin delayed Nets practice once again Monday to prove he could still dunk over a Kia Optima. “Jesus Christ, he’s been at this for an hour—it’s getting hard to watch,” said shooting guard…Read more...

While shedding those extra pounds can be a frustrating process, know that there are always plenty of quick, easy, non-FDA approved solutions out there. Here are some of the best, most effective ways to lose weight fast.Read more...