The Onion

NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by…Read more...

Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared into a crowd of tigers. “After four days straight of searching for a loose bengal tiger, our search efforts hit a snag today when he cut across a…Read more...

As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans. The original titles remain timeless examples of western role-playing, making it difficult to imagine a re-release doing anything but tarnishing their legacy. Thankfully, we’re…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus. “We know that climate change is real, and we must combat this existential…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch wasn’t even in the race,” said the young thoroughbred, who shook her head at a…Read more...

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Wondering if it was too late to cancel the album rollout, a visibly humiliated J. Cole listened to The Off-Season Friday and asked, “Oh my God, is that seriously what my voice sounds like?” “I can’t believe y’all let me record a whole project without telling me to fix this,” said Cole, who assumed his…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered in front of the colonoscopy camera just as the screen went black. “What in God’s name? That can’t be possible,” Weiss said to his medical…Read more...

JAY-Z, the Go-Go’s, and Tina Turner are among this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization’s history. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater positive impact on people’s lives than any firefighter ever could. “Sure, there are plenty of firefighters who have rushed into a burning building to…Read more...

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DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was “so screwed” after seeing they got matched up against other teams again. “Ah, shit, this season is gonna suck,” said Benson upon realizing that the Lions would face other NFL teams multiple weeks in…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. “At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner why he left the Warriors, but things got pretty ugly,” said Nets beat…Read more...

House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson’s laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his dad, Larry, was going to bring it. “I figured he was just going out to…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict had been retained verbatim from a 1997 Miss America contestant’s answer to a pageant interview question. “Sadly, there’s been…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to wear masks outside. “The science has shown that the virus does not spread easily outdoors, so if you are a concrete statue standing at the center of a…Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to stop classifying adult Disney fandom as a form of psychopathy. “For decades, theses…Read more...

The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.Read more...

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PRINCETON, NJ—Dispelling long-held notions that the trip was conducted to map newly acquired U.S. territory in the West, Princeton University historians confirmed Thursday that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark set out on their legendary expedition mainly to justify the purchase of a lot of expensive camping…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With GOP membership rolls completely empty, leading conservatives reportedly began to panic Monday after every single American who identifies as a Republican was ousted from the party for showing insufficient loyalty to former President Donald Trump. “It’s terrifying, because we’ve suddenly realized the…Read more...

The team behind this year’s Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, stands to lose their $1.86 million prize after the horse failed a post-race drug test for steroids. What do you think?Read more...

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Ever wanted to see the world renowned Metropolitan Museum of Art but not pay any money? Click through and join The Onion on a digital tour, where you’ll get everything from the live experience, plus much less.

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PLANO, TX—Calling the decision “the best move for all involved,” Ruffles announced at a press conference Monday that they were ending their product so the snack could go out on top. “We have no doubt that fans will miss our awesome, tasty crunch, but we’ve decided to end things on our terms,” said the ridged potato…Read more...

PALMERTON, PA—Bemoaning that he had never gotten his hair to look quite that good again, local man Devin Levine told reporters Monday he had started to accept that he would never look sharper than he did when dressed as a secret agent for his class Halloween party in third grade. “Man, that suit fit me perfectly, and…Read more...

A Belgian farmer inadvertently redrew his country’s border with France by moving a 200-year-old stone border marker into French territory to create a path for his tractor, which gave Belgium an extra 1,000 square meters. What do you think?Read more...

A federal judge struck down the CDC’s national eviction moratorium established last year to aid those facing economic hardship due to the COVID-19 pandemic, calling it an overreach of power in a ruling that potentially risks millions of Americans losing their homes. What do you think?Read more...

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the event for another summer or two. “Please, esteemed…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In an attempt to keep the occasion low-key, local woman Amanda Suleman told reporters Friday that she was hoping for a quiet Mother’s Day and did not want any kids this year. “I realize it’s tradition to have children for Mother’s Day, but I really don’t need or want any,” said Suleman, adding that while…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period blood all over the classroom. “Honey, I know it can feel so humiliating the first…Read more...

Facebook recently upheld a ban on former President Donald Trump from its platform, adding to his previous post-presidency ban from Twitter, prompting debate between proponents and critics of the decision. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of banning Trump from popular social media platforms.

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NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression. “In 90% of cases, the most…Read more...

The sequel to this generation’s hottest horror game is finally out, and we couldn’t be more excited to dive into Ethan Winters’s latest adventure. But before we do, here are OGN’s tips and tricks to get you started on playing Resident Evil: Village right!

DETROIT—Admitting that the idea may have been doomed from the start, local man Brad Friedberger’s plan to propose at a Detroit Tigers game Friday was scuttled by the team’s 13-1 loss. “I was so nervous and excited, but after they gave up that two-run homer in the second I figured I’d wait until things got a little…Read more...

If you think maintaining a healthy relationship is hard, try doing it in the limelight. We asked several celebrity couples to explain the secrets of their successful marriages, and here’s what they said.Read more...

MANAUS, PERU—Citing concerns such as carbon emissions and deforestation, area man Pete Weingardt was reportedly shocked Friday after learning about the environmental impact of eating a single hamburger while driving a bulldozer through the Amazon. “You don’t really think about the consequences, but even something as…Read more...

Tiger King star Carole Baskin has launched a new cat-themed digital currency called $CAT, which allows fans to buy merchandise or online experiences from her Florida animal sanctuary. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic abroad, the U.S. reportedly gave developing countries 60 seconds with patents for the vaccine Thursday to memorize everything they can. “No pens, no paper—just you, your brains, and a minute on the clock,” said U.S. Trade Representative Katherine Tai, who…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he was unsure how to harness his new abilities, Wells Fargo Center DJ Levi Ellington was overwhelmed Thursday by his godlike power after getting fans to snap along to The Addams Family theme song on command. “They clap when I say clap, they stomp when I say stomp, what won’t they do?” said…Read more...

Facebook’s oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the Capitol riot, but ordered Facebook to decide a determinate penalty. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urged to take extraordinary measures in the face of a global crisis, the U.S. was under increasing pressure Thursday to suspend Marvel intellectual property so developing nations could create their own Wolverines. “This is a desperately needed resource, and America has a moral imperative to share its…Read more...

BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if he’d care to explain why there was a vaccine card hidden in his underwear drawer. “So, is there anything in particular that you’d like to tell us—or did you…Read more...