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on (#5SW1P)
NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail, and vacant-eyed monster who has yet to reveal his true intentions. “Despite our progress over the years, we realized Sesame Street had not…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 02:03 |
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on (#5STC7)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to dissuade the Russian leader from invading Ukraine, President Joe Biden reportedly told Vladimir Putin Wednesday, “You know, if I were you, I’d go after Finland.” “Ukraine’s cool and everything, but Finland has, like, an eighth of the people and twice the GDP—it’d be a breeze to annex,…Read more...
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on (#5STC6)
The original The Oregon Trail computer game debuted December 3, 1971, spawning a beloved series played by generations of children. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of The Oregon Trail.
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on (#5STC8)
LONDON—Tearing up while describing the harrowing scene, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, revealed in an interview Tuesday that Ghislaine Maxwell had groomed him to have sex with dozens of teens. “When I got to Epstein’s island, she led me by the hand to a private room where she insisted I have intercourse with underage…Read more...
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on (#5SS34)
BOSTON—In a groundbreaking study of burglary-response tactics published Tuesday, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice found that 87% of home invasions were foiled when victims nervously muttered, “Who’s there?” upon hearing a strange noise. “Our extensive analysis of…Read more...
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on (#5SS10)
It’s not polite to brag, even around the penniless street urchins. Here are things you should never say to someone who makes less money than you.Read more...
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on (#5SQRV)
PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were reportedly terrorized Friday by an unhinged ex-employee dropping in to say hi. “We always knew he was a bit off by the way he’d say ‘good morning’ and ask about how our weekend was, but we never thought…Read more...
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on (#5SMNA)
Twitter will now let private individuals request the removal of pictures or videos of them that were posted without their consent, except in cases of public interest or if the subject is a public figure, unless they’re being harassed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SKPN)
NEW YORK—Declaring that the former player would continue to be punished for tarnishing the game of baseball by gambling, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred confirmed to reporters Thursday that Pete Rose remains ineligible for election to the DraftKings Official MLB Hall of Fame at Cooperstown. “Being part of the DraftKings…Read more...
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on (#5SKBK)
Scientists who created xenobots, the world’s first living robots assembled from heart and skin stem cells belonging to the African clawed frog, say the life forms are now “the first-ever, self-replicating living robots.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SJAY)
PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist consideration of the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,”…Read more...
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on (#5SJAX)
NEW YORK—Saying the former governor would bring a wealth of political knowledge and experience to the position, CNN announced Wednesday that Andrew Cuomo will take over his brother’s hosting duties until a replacement is found. “We’ve always been huge fans of Andrew, and we’re sure he will bring his many years in…Read more...
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on (#5SHW8)
Barbados has removed Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state, officially becoming a republic on the 55th anniversary of the Caribbean nation’s independence from the United Kingdom. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SH48)
Jack Dorsey has stepped down as Twitter CEO, 15 years after launching the microblogging social media platform that’s now often central to debates around responsibility to curb hate speech, violent rhetoric, and misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SGZR)
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s…Read more...
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on (#5SGZS)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we’re really giving it our all,”…Read more...
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on (#5SGXR)
MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture going under and maybe a few more job rejections and then buying some…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q5)
WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q1)
While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.
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on (#5S8VR)
Spotify has removed a play button that automatically shuffled songs regardless of an album’s track list after singer-songwriter Adele requested the change ahead of the release of her fourth studio album. What do you think?
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on (#5S2XS)
A Singapore-based cryptocurrency platform called Crypto.com has bought the naming rights to the home arena of the Los Angeles Lakers in a $700 million deal, with the change taking effect on Christmas Day this year. What do you think?
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on (#5S2VX)
Nothing makes your vote more useless than allowing some uniformed dimwit who sheepishly does whatever he is told to vote for the opposite party from you.Read more...
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on (#5S2VM)
WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for…Read more...
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on (#5S2RZ)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting…Read more...
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on (#5S2S0)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…Read more...
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on (#5S2N9)
WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of NFTs, they have only appreciated in value,” said CEO Hugh Frater, who…Read more...
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on (#5S29Q)
CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I said put that Alfredo-drizzled fried chicken…Read more...
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on (#5S19F)
BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion. “We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney…Read more...
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on (#5S135)
ROLLINGWOOD, TX—Lauding the app for its incredible power, authorities credited TikTok Wednesday for helping a kidnapper find local teenager Hailey Lamb. “People think of TikTok as just some frivolous app for kids, but this just goes to show it can have life-changing applications,” said police lieutenant John Martinez,…Read more...
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on (#5S136)
LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated…Read more...
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on (#5S0WC)
Tired of overcooked turkey, canned gravy, and grandma’s tasteless green bean casserole? Then it’s time to call in the pros. We asked celebrity chefs to share their favorite Thanksgiving cooking hacks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5S0W9)
Recent reporting by The Onion and several lesser media outlets finds growing tensions between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, continuing a historical trend of the nation’s leader often being at odds with their second-in-command. The Onion looks at the most contentious relationships between a…Read more...
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on (#5RYMB)
Oh, please, you know exactly why your neighborhood is suddenly a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs you are gentrifying your neighborhood.Read more...
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on (#5RYHX)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that he already had his turn in the seat of power, Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) announced Monday that he would not be seeking re-election in order to make room for the next generation of 70-year-olds entering politics. “It’s time we let some fresh, septuagenarian blood into this place,” said Leahy…Read more...
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on (#5RY1G)
A new report has revealed that the Thames river, which was previously declared “biologically dead,” has recovered enough to host over 115 species of fish, including venomous sharks called Spurdogs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RXBG)
INDIANAPOLIS—Cursing as yet another call interrupted a fade route to T.Y. Hilton, Colts quarterback Carson Wentz confirmed Sunday that his helmet radio won’t stop ringing despite answering just a single call from a telemarketer last week. “Jesus Christ, I answer one unknown number that I thought might be our offensive…Read more...
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on (#5RVG2)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be dead before you even think about being scared,” said zookeeper Lloyd…Read more...
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on (#5RVDK)
If your romantic partner isn’t constantly full of self-loathing to the point that they can barely function, it’s a sign you may be dealing with a seriously deranged individual.Read more...
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on (#5RTZC)
A brothel in Vienna is providing Covid-19 vaccinations and giving those who take up the offer a 30-minute session with a “lady of their choice” if they get the vaccine at the on-site clinic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RT2B)
KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that the prosecution had demonstrated flagrant bias throughout the proceedings, critics questioned Thursday why Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger had repeatedly singled out Kyle Rittenhouse over the course of the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. “Not a day has gone by during this…Read more...
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on (#5RSZM)
Supply chain disruptions across the globe have led to record shortages of many consumer products and industrial commodities, with many experts warning the problems are likely to get worse. The Onion looks at the major causes of the current global supply chain issues.
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on (#5RSZN)
FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply…Read more...
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