The Onion

GLIESE 581 G—Noting that their lack of response to interstellar radio messages seemed pretty obvious, aliens pointedly avoiding METI transmissions confirmed Wednesday that they really thought Earth’s scientists would’ve taken the hint by now. “Sheesh, they’ve been at this for decades and haven’t heard a single thing…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship, the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall. “We’ve got a great crop of go-getters this year, and we can’t wait to see what they bring to the table of My…Read more...

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Yesterday was Labor Day, a day intended to honor the American labor movement and recognize the contributions of laborers. What did you do?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “downward spiral” was getting pretty old at this point, the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn’t gripped by something. “Man, I’m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow, but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little…Read more...

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CLAY, NY—In an automated email reportedly delivered to local woman Emma Davies’ inbox Tuesday, Equifax assured her that a recent drop in her credit score was unrelated to anything. “While your credit score is significantly lower now, we just want to you to keep in mind that you had absolutely no control over it,” read…Read more...

KABOLA, KENYA—Patiently surveying the new structure’s slanted walls, leaky roof, and skewed floor, inhabitants of a rural Kenyan village confirmed Tuesday that they were waiting for a group of eager but unskilled American volunteers to leave so they could rebuild their school correctly. “We definitely appreciate the…Read more...

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Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act.Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense, meaningful breakthrough, a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry. “Oh God, this guy only picks up the…Read more...

The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.Read more...

Walmart announced its new $98-a-year membership program called Walmart+ in an attempt to compete against Amazon Prime by providing free shipping on orders over $35. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the frozen confectionery establishment was open six days a week and least busy in the early afternoon, local man Tyler Allard added With Sprinkles, an ice cream shop with unlimited free samples, to his growing homelessness contingency plan. “I could hit that place up for some extra calories…Read more...

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QUANTICO, VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene, FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas. “The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the Holy Eucharist throughout the day. “I’ve started to feel way more connected to the Heavenly Father ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of…Read more...

When we heard the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2 remaster would be hitting shelves in September, we knew we’d be in for one heck of a flashback. Our early hands-on with the Warehouse demo confirms that everything we loved about the original titles are back in full force. (Just try not to melt into a puddle of gooey…Read more...

JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus. “Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was…Read more...

And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.Read more...

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Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle signed a multiyear deal with Netflix to produce a range of programming highlighting issues they care about. The Onion offers a first look into the royal couple’s Netflix deal plans.

RESTON, VA—Abandoning the idealism of previous pushes for more conservation, a realistic new campaign released Friday by the National Wildlife Federation just asked Americans to take a good last look at everything. “We are asking Americans all over the country to soak up the view one final time,” said Laura Daniel…Read more...

R&B singer Akon has revealed plans for Akon City, a multi-billion dollar high-tech city located 60 miles outside the Senegalese capital that the musician says will trade in its own cryptocurrency called Akoin. What do you think?Read more...

MUSKEGON, MI—Expressing his confusion about the unexpected change in outlook, local man Grant Pierce was reportedly unsure Thursday why he wasn’t feeling like total shit. “It’s so damn strange, I woke up this morning and for some reason I was struck with the possibility that life might actually be worth living,” said…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming reports of their joint foray into the entertainment industry, an excited Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Thursday they had signed a deal with Netflix to access thousands of films and TV shows for just $8.99 a month. “We couldn’t be more pleased to share that we’re joining the Netflix…Read more...

Hey, readers. You know that here at OGN, we pride ourselves on always delivering the most up-to-date insight and commentary on all things gaming, which is why it totally sucks to have to let you know that we can’t review Marvel’s Avengers because we forgot our parents are sending us to church camp for two weeks.

NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they’d see the day their vision would finally be realized, streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform’s 100th dollar given to artists. “When we launched Spotify in 2008, our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music, and…Read more...

FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,”…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation, engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice. “We’re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed…Read more...

Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.Read more...

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Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game of the season, even as the state has seen a 92% increase in new coronavirus cases over the last week. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “troubling,” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession. “We found that numerous $5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers…Read more...

Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal, President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha, Wisconsin, where an armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old Jacob Blake. What do you think?Read more...

PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators, Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of his entertainment empire into a central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve. “I always emphasize the importance of ownership, so it only…Read more...

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure, local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was aghast after catching sight of a topless bridge out in public. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but there it was, right in broad daylight in the middle of the road, hanging out…Read more...

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Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills, Kelly Peerman, the friend who introduced local couple Jordan and Melissa Gantner, was not so high and mighty now that they were getting divorced, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, well, well, it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the…Read more...

GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels. “There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All…Read more...

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Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities have made it difficult for stores to keep appliances in stock. What do you think?Read more...

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist.…Read more...

The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate, clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to begin testing unmanned aircraft deliveries to customers. What do you think?Read more...