The Onion

The FBI arrested former Trump-appointed State Department aide Federico Klein for participating in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6th, marking the first member of the previous administration arrested in connection to the insurrection. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—While paying a $14.25 million civil penalty imposed for releasing several thousand tons of contaminants into Texas communities, fossil fuel giant ExxonMobil reportedly threw in an extra couple million Monday as an advance on its next violation of the Clean Air Act. “These court appearances are exhausting for…Read more...

RICHMOND, VA—Regretting her decision to try and make small talk, local woman Rebecca Lockier admitted Monday that she wouldn’t have wondered aloud how microwaves work if she knew her friend Martha Kempner was going to launch into an answer. “I was trying to avoid the uncomfortable silence while my popcorn popped, but…Read more...

TAOS, NM—Arguing that incremental payments would favor the fast-food chain in the long run, ‘Taco Bell For Life” winner Jacob Lalu chose to receive his winnings Friday as a single lump meal. “The experts will tell you to get your Baja Blasts in installments, but I could really use those bad boys right now,” said Lalu,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Noting that he had wanted to reach out for the past week or two, local man Dustin Radford has been thinking about you a lot lately, sources confirmed Monday. “Yeah, I’ve just been wondering how your life is going and whether everything’s been good,” said Radford, adding that you had popped up in his mind…Read more...

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On March 7, CBS will air Oprah With Meghan And Harry: A CBS Primetime Special, a two-hour interview that will be the couple’s first since they publicly split from the U.K. royal family. The Onion looks at the biggest potential revelations from the interview.

LOS ANGELES—Expressing enthusiasm about seeing a real turnaround in business soon, Matt Damon reportedly lowered his fee on Cameo to $15 Friday in hopes of getting more hits. “Man, I thought I’d be swamped, but three months on here and I’ve gotten what—three, four requests?” said Damon, who released a long, resigned…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Defending the deadly action as an unfortunate necessity, Barack Obama held a press conference Friday to announce that the Hulu executives targeted in a recent drone strike represented an imminent threat to Netflix’s interests. “As you know, I am not a proponent of violence, except in extreme cases in which…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—Confirming decades of social science research into the function and significance of the gesture, a new study released Friday by psychologists at Yale University found that beckoning with your index finger remained the most effective way to get U.S. residents onto the dance floor. “In experiments…Read more...

Facebook lifted its ban on U.S. political advertising on Thursday, ending a months-long moratorium initially put in place to prevent the spread of misinformation after the November election. What do you think?Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Taking a huge step toward adding more diversity to their films, Disney announced Friday that the company’s next movie would feature a princess with a never-before-seen ethnicity. “The film will tell the story of a young girl who grows up in the traditions of a storied culture no one in the world has ever…Read more...

Ever since HBO announced The Last Of Us would be coming to the network as a series, fans have been waiting with bated breath to learn whether or not this would finally be the title that broke the curse of video game adaptations. Thankfully, a new development on the set shows that the cast and crew are handling Naughty…Read more...

RED LODGE, MT—As they begged the visibly distraught ungulate to climb back down the sheer rocky slope, a mountain goat’s loved ones reportedly spent several tense minutes Friday talking him off a high peak from which he appeared ready to jump to his death. “Hello, friend, I want to let you know there are a lot of…Read more...

Customs and Border Protection officers in Cincinnati seized a shipment of boxed corn flakes cereal last month laced with 44 pounds of cocaine that had an estimated street value over $2.5 million. What do you think?Read more...

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Evanston, Illinois will be the first American city to fund reparations for Black residents, using a 3% tax on recreational marijuana to distribute $10 million over 10 years for eligible applicants’ housing beginning this spring. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—In response to growing outcry over soldiers using the platform to threaten violence on protestors opposed to the recent coup, TikTok reportedly assured users worried about Myanmar Thursday that they’re aggressively monetizing the situation. “We want to let all of our users know that we’re keeping a…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic. “Don’t worry—you’ll be safe with me!” said Sawchuck, who sources confirmed…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to…Read more...

DARTMOOR, ENGLAND—Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic…Read more...

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Dr. Seuss Enterprises used the late author’s 117th birthday to announce it will cease publishing six of his books, including If I Ran The Zoo and Scrambled Eggs Super! for character portrayals considered racist and insensitive. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In what he described as an effort to reduce the spread of cowardice in the Lone Star State, Gov. Greg Abbott issued an executive order Wednesday requiring all protective face coverings worn in Texas to have the word “pussy” written across the front in large, boldfaced letters. “If you feel a need to put on…Read more...

WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden reportedly nominated popular Twitter account @PossumEveryHour Wednesday for United States Office of Management and Budget Director after discovering bipartisan support of the account’s tweets. “Today, I am thrilled to endorse PossumEveryHour for OMB director, as I believe it’s beloved,…Read more...

Former President Trump received the Covid-19 vaccine at the White House in January, but did not disclose his inoculation to the public, which doctors say would have helped ease vaccine skepticism that remains highest among Republicans. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting its meteoric rise to the top of the charts, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular new podcast Ruff Stuff was just actor Mark Ruffalo reading out the names of murder victims. “I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive reception, and grateful for the opportunity to create content that clearly…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that she was taken aback by the casually tossed-off anecdote, local woman Cara Wisher told reporters Wednesday that a previously unheard story about her mother’s uncle Glen added an intriguing layer to the family’s history of mental illness. “I had no idea that my great uncle would disappear…Read more...

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BOZEMAN, MT—Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet, is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man David Markopolous, from committing one of the deadliest acts in U.S. history.…Read more...

As coronavirus vaccine rollouts ramp up in countries where vaccines were developed, calls have grown for sharing supplies and technology with countries that currently lack vaccine access, but critics argue there will be complications. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of countries with vaccines sharing their…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a move that officials from the Pentagon called long overdue, a new U.S. military diversity initiative unveiled Wednesday aimed to make leadership look more like the countries they invade. “It’s the 21st century, and it simply isn’t right to have a group of generals leading the United States Armed Forces…Read more...

A Pennsylvania man took a break from participating in the January 6th Capitol riots to text his ex-girlfriend that she was a “moron,” leading to his arrest after she gave the messages to the FBI. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to stem criticism over their decision to no longer publish several books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises issued a statement Tuesday assuring readers they can still make the author as racist as they want with the power of imagination. “All you have to do is close your eyes while reading Go, Dog. Go!, and…Read more...

A French court convicted former President Nicolas Sarkozy of corruption and influence peddling, suspending part of his sentence and recommending he serve only one year under house arrest. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to move past a tense diplomatic moment with the Gulf state, President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that the United States would allocate $500 million for Saudi Arabian crown prince Mohammed bin Salman to use on anger management counseling. “Despite obvious differences in opinion, it’s crucial…Read more...

The Cherokee Nation is calling on automaker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s name for two of its best-selling SUVs, as other companies and sports teams have already taken steps to remove racially and culturally inappropriate branding. What do you think?Read more...

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Ever since the release of the Demon’s Souls remake in November, we’ve been slashing our way through some of the toughest monsters gaming has to offer and exploring every nook and cranny of Hidetaka Miyazaki’s dark kingdom of Boletaria. Incredibly, though, we failed to pick up on this little Easter egg until today: You…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Concluding an exhaustive analysis of the nation’s media, the Justice Department issued a report Monday confirming that the majority of homicides occur before the opening credits. “While Americans generally believe that murder is most prevalent at the climax or immediately before the commercial break, our…Read more...

A CDC advisory panel voted unanimously to recommend Johnson & Johnson’s Covid-19 vaccine, opening the way to start distribution of the nation’s first vaccine to only require a single dose and regular refrigerated storage early this week. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Demonstrating her prowess as a no-nonsense negotiator, local woman Jocelyn Apter reportedly succeeded in strong-arming her landlord Monday into fixing her toilet in exchange for a rent increase. “I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to make the repair or else, and he was so surprised he agreed…Read more...

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HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long, we’ve sent trucks like the Devastator, Swamp Thing, and El Toro Loco…Read more...