The Onion

CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure all discarded plastic, metal, and glass is properly processed, the City of Chicago introduced a new recycling program Thursday that requires residents to sort, sanitize, melt, re-form, label, and fill bottles before placing them in a bin. “Starting today, all recyclable materials must be…Read more...

A 25-year-long study found that people who sleep less than an average of six hours a night in middle age are 30% more likely to develop dementia when they are older. What do you think?Read more...

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TUSCALOOSA, AL—Saying that they wanted to make an example out of the 2020 College Football Playoffs winner, the NCAA fined Alabama football players Thursday for receiving championship rings as gifts. “This is a flagrant violation of NCAA policy and we have no choice but to penalize these careless student athletes,”…Read more...

CODY, WY—Referring to the rapper and designer’s latest effort as derivative and lacking the spark present at the start of his career, critics slammed Kanye West for his divorce response Wednesday for blatantly sampling Kim Kardashian’s divorce petition. “Sure, he chopped up the part about spousal support, but you can…Read more...

A new “anti-riot” bill in Florida has been signed into law, enhancing penalties during a protest that authorities can classify as a “riot” in broad terms and offering civil immunity to drivers who hit protesters. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a disturbing pattern of behavior stretching back decades, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that convicted murderer Derek Chauvin closely matches the profile of a mysterious blue-uniformed killer behind hundreds more unsolved slayings nationwide. “The suspect’s M.O. is…Read more...

NEW YORK—As increasingly panicked authorities worried that even the Oscars wouldn’t slow down the delirious phenomenon rapidly sweeping the country, several reports confirmed Wednesday that the nation was unable to quell its insatiable appetite for all things Mank. “Frankly, we’re in the midst of a Mank mania right…Read more...

WEST YELLOWSTONE, MT—Squinting to make out the small text on the sign before him, local father Brian Chamberlin was reportedly explaining the geologic concept of geysers to his family Wednesday as if he was not reading straight from the National Park’s wayside exhibit. “Geysers, like the one you have here, are an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the lack of cooperation that has left U.S. species struggling with massive inefficiencies, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday it hoped to streamline ecosystem performance by hosting the nation’s organisms at a series of team-building meet-and-greet lunches. “Right now, there…Read more...

President Biden recently received criticism for announcing that he would not raise the cap on the number of refugees admitted to the U.S. as part of the nation’s resettlement program, shining a spotlight on a institution many Americans don’t know much about. The Onion answers common questions about the U.S. refugee…Read more...

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has begun undoing a Trump-era ban on clinics referring women for abortions, a policy that has resulted in 1.5 million fewer women receiving care and contributed to an estimated 180,000 unintended pregnancies. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN—Boasting that the system used 75% less power than normal cars and could be installed on almost any street corner with 400 square feet of free space, Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new urban slingshot system Wednesday that he claimed was capable of of moving up to six pedestrians across the street per hour.…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn’t representative of the system at large. “Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the…Read more...

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NASA’s solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Flashing their sirens and directing the swerving, damaged Model 3 to pull over on the side of the road, police asked a white, 2019 Tesla to drive in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards Tuesday after the vehicle crashed into a tree. “Well, well, well, it’s the middle of the day, and we’ve got a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Effusively boasting over the connection long-time New Yorkers feel to this up-and-coming team, media and fans praised the Knicks Tuesday for embodying the city’s true spirit of overhyped media creations. “It feels great to see a Knicks team that can speak to New York by turning the smallest run of success…Read more...

PLAINS, GA— Struggling to process the sudden and unexpected loss, former President Jimmy Carter was reportedly feeling shaken Tuesday to see his friend Walter Mondale die so young. “I can’t believe Walter’s gone—and cut down in his prime, at that,” said the 39th president of the United States, who pledged to no longer…Read more...

Whether they are rappers, country singers, or EDM DJs, the best musicians create a profound connection to their listeners through beat, lyric, and rhythm. We asked several Grammy-winning artists to describe their writing process, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. “We’ve asked all units to be on the lookout for…Read more...

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The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the “fantastic little outing,” local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. “It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some…Read more...

Two hundred seventy-seven Fyre Festival attendees won a $2 million settlement against organizers of the notorious 2017 “luxury” music experience that was canceled after the poorly planned $1-thousand-to-$12-thousand-per-ticket event resembled what some called “a disaster relief camp.” What do you think?Read more...

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You may feel like you’re a professional chef when you’re in the kitchen, but could you really cook like one? We spoke to several successful culinary moguls and asked them to describe their favorite cooking hacks.Read more...

ORLANDO—Explaining that being quiet didn’t indicate a lack of pleasure, Anna Wright assured her boyfriend Ted Ronson Monday that just because she wasn’t screaming, it didn’t mean she wasn’t enjoying the roller coaster they were on. “I don’t need to be writhing around and freaking out for me to be having a good time,”…Read more...

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—As the heat and noise from the massive beast prowling nearby grew closer, a rainforest tree was reportedly remaining very still Monday in hopes that the bulldozer would lose interest and drive away. Sources reported that the jackwood tree remained completely immobile to ensure that it did not so…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Condemning businesses that use clean lines and unobtrusive colors to intentionally defraud customers, the Federal Trade Commission ruled Friday that companies must begin disclosing whether they are actually cool or are merely using minimalist branding to simulate coolness. “Too often, consumers have been…Read more...

All aboard the hype train, gamers! EA just teased a tantalizing new project, and we’re absolutely trembling with excitement over what it could possibly be. In a slick business move, the publisher didn’t release any concept art or gameplay footage. Instead, they dropped a cryptic new logo that simply reads FIFA 2022.Read more...

Scientists have created embryos made of human and monkey cells in search of new ways to produce organs for transplant patients, with some ethicists concerned over how the science could one day be used. What do you think?Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Wiping joyful tears away from the corners of her eyes, local woman Tricia Ramsey reportedly gushed “Just like a fairy tale” Saturday while watching Prince Philip’s royal corpse being tossed into a furnace. “Oh, wow, this is just like every little girl’s dream,” said Ramsey, who was overcome by awe…Read more...

President Biden announced the remaining 2,500 U.S. Afghanistan will withdraw from Afghanistan by this year’s anniversary of 9/11, a firmer end to the two-decade-long war that has killed over 2,200 U.S. troops and cost $1 trillion. What do you think?Read more...

President Biden announced Wednesday his plan to withdraw troops from Afghanistan in September, the latest move to pull the military out of what has become America’s longest war. The Onion looks at key dates from the U.S. war in Afghanistan.

CHICAGO—In an attempt to address community outcry over recent police encounters, Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced a reform effort Friday that would require all city teenagers to undergo mandatory deescalation training. “As a society, we depend upon the professionalism of 13- and 14-year-old boys in tense situations like…Read more...

EDMOND, OK—Explaining how he doesn’t want his newfound abstinence to infringe on their having a good time, Doug Chandler, a recovering sex addict, assured his group of friends at a party Friday that they can still fuck around him. “You guys should totally feel free to have sex while I’m around,” said Chandler,…Read more...

ST. PAUL—Activating nearly 3,000 personnel, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz deployed the National Guard to Minneapolis Friday ahead of next week’s police shooting. “We understand that tempers are flared right now, and we urge you to remain calm and demonstrate lawfully following next Wednesday’s tragedy,” said Walz, who…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As retaliation for a Kremlin hacking operation that targeted multiple American government agencies and corporations, the Biden administration issued an executive order Thursday giving Russian diplomats in the U.S. 30 days to complete their espionage activities before they will be expelled from the country.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to help himself from fearing the worst, Rep. French Hill (R-AR) reportedly mumbled, “Oh God, what happened now,” Friday after seeing he had received a massive donation from the NRA. “Jeez, that’s a lot of money, it’s got to be something pretty bad,” said Hill, who yelled out for his staffers to get…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Indiana in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

CAIRO—Speculating that Egyptians began stacking themselves into triangular structures far earlier than previously thought, professors at Cairo University announced Friday that they had unearthed skeletal remains of the first human pyramid. “While little is known about the third dynasty of Ancient Egypt, we now…Read more...

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Brazil is constructing a 141-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ, which is 16 feet taller than Rio de Janeiro’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue and will rank as the world’s third-largest statue of the central figure in Christianity. What do you think?Read more...

ArcLight and Pacific Theatres, including the beloved ArcLight Hollywood and historic Cinerama Dome that are known for hosting numerous movie premieres and being featured in films, are being closed permanently due to financial difficulties during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...