The Onion

VATICAN CITY—Stressing that ensuring the safety of all clergy members remained the Holy See’s primary concern, Pope Francis issued a statement Monday urging priests worldwide to refrain from molesting children over escalating coronavirus fears. “During this trying period, we are recommending all priests do their part…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Calling the report a “revolutionary breakthrough” in the field of obstetrics, a new study published Monday by the Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine found that most premature births occurred when a fetus smelled something delicious outside. “After analyzing countless patients and the environmental factors…Read more...

Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.Read more...

As the number of coronavirus cases skyrocket to over 7,375 throughout Italy, Vatican officials confirmed that Pope Francis will video stream his next two public blessings to prevent large crowds from further spreading the disease. What do you think?Read more...

STANLEY, NM—Scrambling to find a way to be even more blunt, the subconscious of local woman Jessika Toler was reportedly unsure Monday how much more clearly it can communicate that her teeth are going to fall out soon. “I mean, I keep showing her different versions of the same dream where all her teeth fall out, but…Read more...

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Six-time NBA All-Star Steph Curry rejoined the Golden State Warriors this week after more than four months off recovering from a hand injury sustained during a game last October. What do you think?Read more...

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New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a rare public appearance from the reclusive artist, Billie Eilish, 73, broke her silence Friday to discuss the ravages of fame in an interview from her hermetically sealed mansion. “The musician lifestyle is pretty rough, and it can take one hell of a toll on your body,” the septuagenarian singer and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Contritely offering full refunds for all purchased tickets, the Smithsonian Institution apologized Friday for their fraudulent Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb exhibit. “We are deeply sorry for promoting these obviously manufactured artifacts, but in our defense, the supposed ‘discoverers’ offered us a really…Read more...

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced that she is dropping out of the presidential race after struggling to gain traction in the primary, but has not yet announced who she is backing as both Sanders and Biden seek her endorsement. What do you think?Read more...

NAHANT, MA—Suggesting a complete inability to back up his bombastic rhetoric, local man Carl Stoker, who had previously talked a big game about having a shroom hookup, had immediately folded under pressure, sources reported Friday. “Carl’s been going on and on about what a sweet connection he’s got, but as soon as I…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Providing new insights that could influence both policymakers and educators, researchers from Vanderbilt University published a study Friday linking high standardized test scores to being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth-grader. “We’ve identified a strong correlation between…Read more...

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ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh,…Read more...

A jury has ruled that PBS is entitled to collect $1.5 million from former on-air personality Tavis Smiley for violating the morality clause of his employment contract after several women came forward in 2017 to accuse him of sexual misconduct and harassment. What do you think?Read more...

New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.Read more...

Country music trio the Dixie Chicks, who were blacklisted by networks and boycotted by fans after criticizing the Iraq War in 2003, have released a new single entitled “Gaslighter” following a 14-year break from producing music. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—As gasps of horror resonated throughout the crowd of reporters, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Thursday that the spread of coronavirus was under control while his nose slowly transformed into a pangolin snout. “I want to assure the public that we acted quickly and aggressively to halt the progress of…Read more...

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NEW BEDFORD, MA—Irking fellow users with their gross displays of congenial rhetoric, disagreeing Twitter commenters Sydney Ramstead and Brian Packer engaged in a self-congratulatory civility that was honestly worse than an outright fight would have been, sources confirmed Thursday. “God, I would rather these guys tell…Read more...

GENEVA—Following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep had tested positive for Covid-19, the World Health Organization warned Thursday that new outbreaks in Victorian England confirm the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time. “We have received a telegraph indicating that coronavirus has been detected in…Read more...

Calling all Nintendo fans! Two of our favorite things in the world, NASA and the Mario franchise, are coming together in a major collaboration. NASA confirmed in a recent press conference that they’ve been working with Nintendo for years to learn how to get the famous question mark blocks from the Mario Bros. games to…Read more...

Apple will pay up to $500 million to settle a class-action lawsuit following accusations the company used software updates to purposely slow down older iPhones in order to compel users to purchase new models. What do you think?Read more...

As the number of confirmed coronavirus cases continues to grow, U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams urged Americans to stop purchasing face masks, noting that the masks are intended only for healthcare providers and people who are currently ill. What do you think?Read more...

Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?Read more...

SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth, area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire. “Yeah, back when I was a kid, I remember spending hours absolutely…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Without speaking a single word, an elderly woman carting an oxygen tank reportedly caused riders to scatter from the priority seating area of a city bus Wednesday as though she were the most feared inmate on a maximum-security prison yard. The visibly frail woman, who reportedly clutched her walker as a…Read more...

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The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.Read more...

BULLHEAD CITY, AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control, area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline. “Oh no, it’s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms, so I know something…Read more...

Retired family court judge Judy Sheindlin announced that her eponymous courtroom reality show, which garners nearly nine million viewers a day and has made her one of the highest-paid television personalities of all time, will end following 25 years on air. What do you think?Read more...

Gamers, get ready, because we have some news that’s sure to make your day a little brighter: It turns out that everyone out there is having a lot of fun playing video games.Read more...

OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure. “Man, Steven Tyler fucking rules!” said…Read more...

On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.Read more...

ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores, officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks. “With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states, we are advising…Read more...

After ending their presidential bids earlier this week, both Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar say they are endorsing former Vice President Joe Biden for the Democratic nominee. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed to be uninhabited. “Thus far, they’ve been unreceptive to My word—when I…Read more...

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in…Read more...

GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic, panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life. “Uh, okay, so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern, but we have to admit…Read more...

Astronomers in Tucson have discovered a car-sized asteroid circling the planet, which they believe was captured by Earth’s gravitational pull in 2017 but will soon spin off to continue its journey around the sun. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen’s fast-acting, long-lasting effects, Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that’s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee, which combats the buildup of oil, grime, and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off. “The exfoliating tool at the heart of…Read more...