The Onion

CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle by engaging in light physical activities like baseball. “I told him to take it easy and maybe just try something like nine innings of…Read more...

OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing…Read more...

Following a contentious campaign that saw the Israeli prime minister playing to far-right voters, exit polls have shown Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud party trailing the center-left Blue and White party and gains for the Arab Joint List, raising the likelihood of a unity government and a reigning in of the country’s drift…Read more...

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FERGUS FALLS, MN—Gifting them another 7-year-old as a token of appreciation for their patience, local adoption agency Kindred Family Focus reportedly gave a couple who waited a long time an extra kid free of charge Wednesday. “We know we kept you waiting for a child for a long time, so in order to show our thanks,…Read more...

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A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our own cells that the virus needs to replicate. What do you think?Read more...

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MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school shooter before he did enough damage to restart the national gun debate. “We’re all certainly glad that the shooter was only able to kill two…Read more...

MIAMI—After giving up 43 points in a shut-out game this past weekend, local Dolphins fan Derrick Gomez confirmed Wednesday that he was beginning to think that Miami head coach Brian Flores was not the main driving force behind the New England Patriots’ years of success. “It seemed like a big win for us, at first,…Read more...

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit debuted September 20, 1999, and has become a much-watched and much-referenced crime drama over its 20 seasons and counting on the air. The Onion looks back at key moments over the show’s history as it turns 20.Read more...

DIRECTV, PA—Citing the rising cost of major metropolitan sponsorship, municipal officials announced Wednesday that, effective Nov. 1 of this year, the city once known as Philadelphia will now be called DirecTV, PA after the cream cheese company opted to discontinue its long-held naming rights to the city. “The name…Read more...

Touting the contest as a way of demoing his plan for a universal basic income, presidential candidate and businessman Andrew Yang has moved forward on his plan to give away $120,000 to 10 families, saying over 450,000 individuals have already entered. What do you think?Read more...

Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Waterworld was that the polar ice caps had completely melted, the sea levels rose, and the world was covered in water. I guess I’m bringing this up because a big thing currently happening on Earth is that …Read more...

SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be just a phone call, prefaced by 45 minutes of breathless meandering about some guy she’s seeing, away. “If you ever need me for…Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently pulled gallons of liquid directly from wearers’ bodies. “If you or anyone you know puts on a Legend Dri-FIT short-sleeve training…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new “You Can’t Run From Us Forever” ad campaign Tuesday, a media blitz intended to remind potential customers of the futility of avoiding the ubiquitous restaurant. “Despite the trend toward calorie…Read more...

Examining the genre’s century-long rise through a 16-hour, 8-part documentary, Ken Burns’ Country Music premiered on Sunday to critical acclaim that lauded the series’ ability to celebrate the musical form’s history while discussing its more fraught roots. What do you think?Read more...

Oh, man, gamers have got to take a gander at this new trainwreck. It looks like reviewers across the internet are harping on new RPG Eternal Dragon: Knights Of Terellia, deriding the open-world game’s 5,000 hours of dialogue spread over 200 side quests and six different endings as completely rushed and blandly…Read more...

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BRISTOL, CT—Utilizing his expertise as one of the ad game’s all-time great pitchmen, ESPN debuted a new Monday Night Football segment this week featuring Peyton Manning breaking down the current crop of quarterback commercials. “Baker’s delivery is still a little stiff, but he has all the raw tools to deliver…Read more...

A recently surfaced sexual misconduct allegation suggests that at least one report about Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior went undiscussed at his confirmation hearing, although the claim lacked corroboration or significant investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns reported Monday that he may have gotten in over his head when he agreed to produce a 17-trillion-hour documentary for PBS titled The Universe. “It’s definitely a lot more work…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that the U.S. history teacher had freaked out over basically nothing, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Mr. Bennington completely lost his shit in third period. “We were in the middle of a unit on World War II and Kyle was just sort of talking with some friends, and all of a sudden,…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the…Read more...

Napping once or twice every week could have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health, making such nappers 48% less likely to suffer a heart attack, stroke, or heart failure than those who did not nap at all. What do you think?Read more...

TACOMA, WA—Sighing in resignation at the time he had squandered on such unimportant concerns, dying man Abe Prenderghast, 83, confessed Monday that his greatest regret was wasting so much of life obsessing over people he had systematically abducted and strangled. “Now that I’m at the end of the road, it’s hard for me…Read more...

SPARTA, OH—Reflecting wryly on the latest batch of rookies to head its way, a grizzled beer can being used as an ashtray reportedly watched Monday as another cocky 12-pack came and went through the patio. “These new cans breeze in, fresh and clean from the grocery store shelf, thinking they’re hot shit, but I…Read more...

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NASHUA, NH—Saying he had wholly misread his office mate’s mild, occasional interest in talking to him, sources confirmed Monday that local software engineer Michael Donner had mistakenly concluded that sitting in close proximity to a coworker for eight hours each day constituted friendship. “Yeah, I guess you could…Read more...

As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out.Read more...

Americans tuned in Thursday night to watch a rapidly narrowing 2020 Democratic field make their case for the party’s nomination as Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren met on the debate stage for the first time in the race. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These…Read more...

The practice of binge-watching TV shows has risen in popularity in recent years with the increase in streaming TV shows, but critics say it can have unintended consequences. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of binge-watching.Read more...

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or…Read more...

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Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…Read more...

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After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?Read more...

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In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post poll. What do you think?Read more...

IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong…Read more...

Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles and find them homes where they can get the love and attention they need.Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month working as an adjunct professor. “Man, things have been really tough lately, but fortunately I qualify for some nutrition assistance,” said the Academy…Read more...

BILLUND, DENMARK—In a touching tribute to their deceased young fans, toymaking giant LEGO unveiled a new line of playsets Thursday commemorating all the children who have choked to death on one of their interlocking construction blocks. “We are excited to finally introduce LEGO Dead Creator, a new series of playsets…Read more...