The Onion

HARTFORD, CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines, Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “proudly and by any means necessary” in this difficult time. “Our nation owes a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly,…Read more...

Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR, his racing team, and the online simulation game iRacing for using a racial slur during a virtual competition, though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes sensitivity training. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America’s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator. “Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Faced with the prospect of complete financial ruin due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the U.S. Postal Service officially unveiled a plan Tuesday to pay off its debts by issuing a new $1 trillion stamp. “As part of our effort to remain solvent and continue serving the American people, we are proud to introduce…Read more...

NEW YORK—The nation reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning of a social media message from IFC sitcom Brockmire in which the cast and crew wished them well amidst these trying times. “Thank God, if Hank Azaria and Amanda Peet want us to do our part to stay healthy and happy during the outbreak, then…Read more...

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Lawyer Stella Morris claimed in a video posted online that she is engaged to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that he fathered their two children in the Ecuadorian embassy, where he lived from 2012 through 2019 while evading rape and espionage charges. What do you think?Read more...

British prime minister Boris Johnson left the hospital Sunday following a weeklong stay including three days in the ICU due to complications from Covid-19, though he will not return to work until a later date. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the machine a “potential breakthrough” in the nonprofit’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic, a desperate American Red Cross introduced a new high-powered arm juicer Monday designed to get every last drop of blood out of donors. “We’ve been struggling to find healthy donors, so this machine is a…Read more...

Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?Read more...

Ying Ying and Le Le, two giant pandas living at a zoo in Hong Kong currently closed due to coronavirus, have successfully mated for the first time in a decade, though it could be months before staff can determine if Ying Ying is pregnant. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Upending generations of established scholarship, a report published Monday by the American Historical Association has revealed the Declaration of Independence was only intended to be a vehicle for the Founding Fathers to vent in private about various grievances they had. “According to newly uncovered…Read more...

When the news first came down the pipeline that The Last of Us Part II wouldn’t be hitting its planned Feb. 21, 2020 release date, it was a major blow to devotees of the series everywhere—but an understandable one. After all, this is one of the greatest gaming series in the medium’s history. If the Uncharted and Jax…Read more...

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Corbin Bernsen is perhaps best known for his role in the hit ’80s TV drama L.A. Law, but we bet you didn’t realize he was yet another victim of Green Card star Andie MacDowell! In 2010, the Hollywood actress dragged a screaming Bernsen into the trunk of her car before driving him out into the Mojave Desert and…Read more...

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…Read more...

While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?Read more...

Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.Read more...

Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…Read more...

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Now that’s what we call a brick!Read more...

Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.Read more...

According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the…Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…Read more...

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…Read more...

Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely impossible to differentiate between the 6-foot-1inch, 175-pound male…Read more...

Doctor: Among the country’s top-paying professionals are doctors, the broad category of medical practitioners who tell people how they will die. Doctors receive years of training to examine patients and figure out what will kill them, such as cancer or a genetic defect. For determining how patients will become a…Read more...

ATLANTA—Recommending that the nation’s populace act immediately to help stop the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released instructions Wednesday for all Americans to make their own hospitals. “Staying safe during coronavirus can be difficult, especially when you lack access to…Read more...

The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you …Read more...

NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020 presidential campaign without the candidate. “Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the…Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

Citing disagreements with the board of directors, Sergio Rivera resigned this week just five months into his tenure as SeaWorld CEO and days after the company furloughed 90% of its employees due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration…Read more...

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Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of people who have actual problems, so you shouldn’t come in unless it’s…Read more...

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Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.Read more...

Lady Gaga announced that she is curating the “One World: Together At Home” benefit concert that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC, and CBS on April 18 and feature musical artists including Elton John, Paul McCartney, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish among others. What do you think?Read more...