The Onion

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reassuring the man that he would receive an immediate response to his emergency, a 911 operator reportedly informed local black caller Jerry Wardell Tuesday that death was on the way. “Thank you for calling 911, please sit tight and don’t worry, first responders will be there to end your life shortly,”…Read more...

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BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to…Read more...

Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?Read more...

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KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or…Read more...

When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players…Read more...

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Fox newscaster Shepard Smith abruptly announced his departure from Fox News last week due to rising tensions between the fact-based broadcaster and opinion broadcasters like Sean Hannity. What do you think?Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—In a new report that reveals she has really enjoyed seeing pictures of you growing up over the years, sources indicated Monday that while you may not remember your mother’s friend, your mother’s friend sure does remember you. “I held you in my arms when you were just a tiny newborn baby, but it’s been so…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Explaining that they wanted to put their commitment to oppression in writing so that everyone knew where they stood, the nation’s CEOs signed a pledge Monday to continue fucking over Americans. “As the business leaders of this country, we promise to never, ever stop fighting to ensure that the vast majority…Read more...

AIN ISSA, SYRIA—As they streamed out of detention camps in northern Syria following U.S. withdrawal of military support in the region, jubilant ISIS prisoners on Monday hailed their American liberators. “We never thought we’d see the day when someone would finally stand up for us and free us from the Syrian Democratic…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Affirming the importance of traditions like Columbus Day to other Americans, the nation’s 573 federally recognized Indian nations released a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t need a special holiday and would be perfectly fine with just having large swaths of land returned to them immediately.…Read more...

HOUSTON—Marveling at the glorious majesty of what he had created, social media manager Ryan McCann reportedly whispered “I built this” Monday while beholding his vast empire of successful Fuddruckers tweets. “All should gaze in awe and wonder at the brand-affirming Twitter content I hath wrought,” said McCann,…Read more...

CARSON CITY, NV—Remarking at the social media user’s ability to immediately cut to the chase, sources confirmed Monday that a conspiracy theory posted on Reddit wasted absolutely no time getting racist. “Man, this guy didn’t even spend a complete sentence describing the cabal of globalists controlling world affairs…Read more...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Suggesting the breakup really left its mark on them, a new report published Monday has concluded that it sure looks like your ex gained some weight once they started dating someone much better than you. “Our findings indicate that as soon as your ex found someone who actually makes them happy, they…Read more...

Since its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all gaming-related news, bringing our readers the latest stories and updates from major players like Microsoft and Nintendo, as well as minor but noteworthy releases from a host of independent developers. In short, we…Read more...

A new CDC report found that combined incidences of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia in the U.S. reached an all-time high in the last year with more than 2.4 million cases. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to take a stand against the smarmy fucks who must think they’re some kind of hot shit, the U.S. Department of Education announced Monday that it would crack down on cocky little assholes who hand in their test early. “The American public school system will no longer tolerate any student who dares to…Read more...

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LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll…Read more...

Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

When Pokémon Sword and Shield were first announced earlier this year, there was nothing that seemed more exciting than finally getting our hands on the next installment in this legendary series. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by recent lackluster gameplay videos. And after three hours with both…Read more...

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Touting the product as a revolution in space-saving, 3M released new Command self-adhesive Meat Hooks Friday for the organization-minded serial killers looking to reduce clutter in their lives and workspaces. “Say goodbye to those unsightly piles of corpses and tangles of severed limbs taking up all the…Read more...

Judge Steven Reed has been elected mayor in Montgomery, AL, making him the first black man to attain the office in Alabama’s capital with 67% of the vote in an election that many point to as a pivotal step forward in the city’s lengthy history of civil rights. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—With the theater on heightened alert for unusual activity, sources confirmed Thursday that security staff at the local Bellwether Cinema 14 reported suspicious behavior on the premises after a patron purchased a ticket to the action-thriller Gemini Man. “From the moment he approached the booth and sought…Read more...

Escalating previous rhetoric railing against the current White House, former Vice President Joe Biden for the first time called for President Donald Trump’s impeachment to “preserve our Constitution, our democracy, [and] our basic integrity.” What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how…Read more...

With the battle for next-gen supremacy already heating up, it’s never too early to start mulling which console will finally emerge triumphant. Recent rumors put both releases in just over a year, so here’s a definitive comparison to choose which one is right for you.Read more...

FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose…Read more...

The Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded to three scientists: James Peebles for his work on cosmological theories that created a framework to understand the universe’s history and Michel Mayor and Didier Queloz for the discovery of the exoplanets outside of our solar system, respectively. What do you think?Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit…Read more...

THE IRON KINGDOM—Counseling his disciple that the martial lineage had been passed down through untold generations, video game swordsman Master Feralt reportedly spent a Wednesday morning lesson teaching his pupil the unbeatable secret technique of backpedaling away from one’s foe while wildly swinging your weapon. “To…Read more...

DALLAS—Following what they described as standard procedure for homicide investigations, members of the Dallas Police Department planted a black suspect at a suspicious murder scene in their city, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You never know when you’re going to need a young African American male to pin a crime on, so…Read more...

The White House blocked U.S. Ambassador Gordon D. Sondland from speaking with investigators to several House committees in President Trump’s impeachment inquiry, a decision the House Intelligence Committee said would be used to help build an obstruction case against him. What do you think?Read more...

MADISON, WI—Concluding that such a breakthrough would greatly improve the prognoses of patients with terminal conditions, a new study released Wednesday by the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine found that more than 55 million deaths could be prevented each year with an immortality serum of some kind. “We…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism…Read more...

Fierce debate over healthcare policy among Democrats and efforts to erode Obamacare by Republicans continue to shine a spotlight on the state of medical care in the U.S., and it’s important to understand how we got here. The Onion takes a look at the most significant moments in the history of healthcare in America.Read more...

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Worried that the humiliating posts would destroy his future employment opportunities, a frantic, job-hunting Jay Gruden scrubbed his social media this week of anything associated with the Redskins. “If anyone sees these photos of me in a Redskins hat, my career is over,” said the former head coach,…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, set off Wednesday on a pilgrimage to that selfsame consecrated site where he once found a whole rotisserie chicken resting by the side of the road.…Read more...

In a move that foreign policy experts have criticized as abandoning Kurdish allies and potentially escalating the region’s conflicts, President Trump announced plans to pull all U.S. troops from Northern Syria as Turkey readies a military incursion into the area. What do you think?Read more...

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BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA,…Read more...