The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 05:15 |
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by The Onion on (#4CG5N)
GLADWYNE, PA—Looking askance at the man cradling her young offspring in his arms, a local mama duck stated Thursday that she had no recollection of asking anyone to rescue her baby duck from the road where it lay after being hit by a passing automobile. “Great! Now, in addition to the 10 healthy ducklings I have to…Read more...
Dozens Of Panicked Mar-A-Lago Guests Crowd Front Desk To Check Out After FBI Agents Spotted At Hotel
by The Onion on (#4CG5P)
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by The Onion on (#4CG0X)
After being spurned by Republicans in Congress, President Trump signaled a retreat by announcing he would not consider dismantling and replacing the Affordable Care Act until after the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CG0Y)
WASHINGTON—Proclaiming “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare,†Hare Krishnas issued a statement Thursday announcing “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.†“Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CG0Z)
PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the recent arrest of a woman who brought a malware-laced device to the resort, Mar-A-Lago staff apologized Thursday for the breach of security caused by admitting a guest they assumed was just another high-powered lobbyist seeking to curry favor with the president. “We strive to ensure…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#4CFWH)
Associates of President Donald Trump being convicted or accused of crimes has led to speculation about whether any will receive presidential pardons, of which there have been thousands over the nation’s history. The Onion looks back at the most significant presidential pardons of all time.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CFR8)
GENEVA—Touting their new timepiece as a marvel of modern horology, watchmaker Rolex unveiled a diver’s cuckoo clock Thursday capable of keeping accurate time at undersea depths of up to 3,000 meters. “Whether you’re surveying the depths of the Mariana Trench or just taking your submarine out for a spin, the…Read more...
Getting Arm Squeezed By Walgreens Blood Pressure Machine Most Physical Contact Man Has Had In Months
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#4CFR9)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4CFK7)
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by The Onion on (#4CFK8)
As per tradition, Japan announced the name of their new era—Reiwa, roughly meaning good fortune—to coincide with the ascension of Crown Prince Naruhito to the imperial throne. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CDNS)
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by The Onion on (#4CDNT)
CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CDC2)
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by OnionNews on (#4CDC3)
Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it should be is a matter of fierce debate. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CDC4)
In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados within three weeks, fruit distributors have suggested. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4CDC5)
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by The Onion on (#4CDGN)
Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps due to personal or systemic barriers preventing access to work. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CBH9)
WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping of Tucker Carlson Tonight Monday by challenging Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to a date. “You talk a pretty big game on Twitter, but let’s see how well your pie-in-the-sky ideas hold up when…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CB7X)
ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa Anita racetrack officials awarded jockey Evan Spangler Tuesday with first place for dragging his dead horse 30 yards over the finish line. “The perseverance and bravery Evan displayed as he gripped the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CB7Y)
According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring the recommendations of intelligence officials to confirm individuals such as Jared Kushner. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4CAXY)
PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations, scientists announced Tuesday that the discovery of dry ice on Mars means the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. “While we find no evidence that the Red Planet currently features…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4CAS8)
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by Go RVing on (#4CAS9)
Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4C92N)
WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.†“The Amendments to the Constitution are full…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4C8YP)
Fulfilling a pledge to President Trump, China has banned all versions of fentanyl, the powerful synthetic opioid that it has long allowed to be exported to America. What do you think?
by The Onion on (#4C8V2)
STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4C8HT)
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.
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by The Onion on (#4C33C)
NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4C33D)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4C2XK)
SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4C2XM)
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by The Onion on (#4C2XN)
NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4C2XP)
March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4C2XQ)
PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4C1JY)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4C0WW)
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by The Onion on (#4C0K6)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4C0K7)
SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?†said a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4C0K8)
HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty†quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler†in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,†said the…Read more...
by By A Bottle Of Ajax on (#4C0F2)
I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4C0F3)
CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4BYAE)
CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your…Read more...