The Onion

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away…Read more...

The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.Read more...

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NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this…Read more...

When it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior. The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep.

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TUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they…Read more...

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DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks…Read more...

Gamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We are not neutral on this subject, nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome. Yet, a recent incident in Agra, India has…Read more...

CLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to…Read more...

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Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes, inspiration, and tips to the foodie community. The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet.

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THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close,…Read more...

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NEW YORK, NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution, Rhine Solutions, a new corpse disposal service, unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic. “Upon the customer’s death,…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show, economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together. “So get this: Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles, Mark Stewart, a guest at a Russian bathhouse, was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations. “I came here…Read more...

A judge has ruled that California representative Devin Nunes cannot sue Twitter for $250 million as part of his quest to discover who is behind the two parody accounts “Devin Nunes’ Cow” and “Devin Nunes’ Mom,” stating the platform is not liable for what its users post. What do you think?Read more...

Disney confirmed Thursday plans to reimagine Splash Mountain, which is based on the 1946 movie Song Of The South, into a new log-flume ride following Princess Tiana and her alligator Louis as they travel on a musical adventure. What do you think?Read more...

ZANESVILLE, OH—Cautioning his superior lest he become intoxicated by power, advisor Greg Dawling reportedly urged newly appointed water reclamation supervisor Lee Frost to remember that he was mortal during the official’s elaborate swearing-in ceremony Friday. “Be not vain or foolish in your position—this earthly…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the announcement represented the first step in making up for the erasure of a vital part of agency history, NASA unveiled plans Friday to rename their Washington D.C. headquarters in honor of Hidden Figures actress Octavia Spencer. “In recognition of the vital role she played in bringing the space…Read more...

Social media users in cities across the country have posted anecdotal reports that there seem to be many more fireworks than normal, leading city officials, law enforcement, and residents alike to speculate on their source. The Onion looks at the most logical explanations for a recent spike in fireworks.

Cyberpunk 2077: Arguably the most highly anticipated game of the summer, and following another delay, it will be the most anticipated game of the holiday season, after which it will become the most anticipated game of summer 2021.Read more...

We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry.Read more...

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An unusually dense plume of dust from the Sahara in Northern Africa has traveled across the Atlantic and is blanketing the Caribbean, darkening skies and lowering air quality as it makes its way toward the United States. What do you think?Read more...

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Bayer has agreed to pay $10 billion to settle over 95,000 individual claims that their weedkiller Roundup causes cancer, with $1.25 billion earmarked for future claims of people who developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma after being exposed to the product. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall, heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans. “I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn’t really need the…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Reluctantly admitting there was no way to neatly fit the entire string of profanities onto the vehicle now, jilted lover Marcia Yarbury told reporters Thursday that she should have started further over while keying her cheating boyfriend’s car. “Seriously, why didn’t I start closer to the front of the car—I…Read more...

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FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto…Read more...

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Owners of the Segway brand say they will stop manufacturing the iconic two-wheeled motorized scooter, which has sold only 140,000 units since it was introduced in 2001. What do you think?Read more...

Experts at the Brookings Institution say the economic and social hardships created by Covid-19 could result in a “baby bust” where the U.S. could expect to see 300,000 to 500,000 fewer infants born over the next few years. What do you think?Read more...

We here at OGN take pride in our readership. We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers’ dedication to this staff’s work. Or, at least, we used to think that about you. Not anymore, though. Why are we angry, you ask?