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Updated 2025-07-04 11:15
Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel
ANN ARBOR, MI—Assuring the man that even his wildest desires could be fulfilled, waitress Lana Collins paraded a selection of pie slices in front of a customer Wednesday like a madam in a high-class brothel. “Key lime, French silk, caramel pecan; simply say the word and the tasty little morsel will be yours,” said…Read more...
Flipping Simone Biles Still Floating Through Upper Mesosphere
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Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats
An NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found that independent voters remain unconvinced by both the president’s and Democrat’s plans for the future, although they agree with some liberal platforms such as Medicare for all who want it and universal background checks. What do you think?Read more...
Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide
NEW YORK—Calling the oversight a complete failure of the system on every level, Department of Justice officials told reporters Tuesday that a damning investigation had revealed that billionaire and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been left unsupervised for decades prior to his suicide. “This high-risk…Read more...
Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments…Read more...
The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’
When famed streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced he was cutting ties with Twitch and moving over to Microsoft’s new streaming service, he left a massive hole for all of his 14 million followers that most thought would never be filled. But the wait for a successor looks like it ended way faster than most expected.…Read more...
5 Things To Know About The Keto Diet
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Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans
NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now…Read more...
Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters
A CBS News poll found that 78% of Democratic voters in early primary states rate climate change as a “very important” issue, putting it ahead of income inequality and jobs, and suggesting environmental action growing increasingly important to left-leaning voters. What do you think?Read more...
Band Blows Entire Spotify Royalty Check On Cocaine
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(Public) Space Invaders
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Dwindling Kitchen Resources Forcing Man To Scavenge For Food Higher And Higher In Cabinets
NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 13, 2019
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Epstein Associates Distance Selves By Insisting They Hadn’t Used His Child Sex Trafficking Ring In Years
NEW YORK—Downplaying their connections to the man, powerful associates of the late Jeffrey Epstein have begun to distance themselves from the serial abuser, claiming it has been years since they spent time with him or made use of his secret child sex-trafficking ring, sources confirmed Monday. “I certainly wouldn’t…Read more...
NASA Plans For Small Space Station Orbiting Moon
NASA’s Artemis project to return humans to the Moon will include a small space station—dubbed “The Gateway”—that will orbit the lunar surface for years, providing astronauts with a space to live, research, and plan before heading out for the missions. What do you think?Read more...
Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein
YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind…Read more...
Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now
THE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending two millennia apart, Christ announced Monday that He has called off plans for His return upon coming to the realization that He has been gone so long at this point that coming back “would just be weird.” “I’ve been…Read more...
Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
NEW YORK—Admitting that the past few years of greater representation had accomplished the goal of making them feel much better about themselves, American consumers informed body-positive advertisers Monday that they are ready to start staring at impossibly attractive people again. “Look, we appreciate everything the…Read more...
Solitary Pretzel Rolling Through Ghost Town All That Remains From 1800s California Rold Gold Rush
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Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog With All The Fixings
WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing mission to upgrade its arsenal of cured, precooked sausage foods, the Pentagon awarded Oscar Mayer a five-year, $102 million contract Monday to develop military-grade hot dogs, complete with all the fixings. “Under the terms of our agreement, Oscar Mayer has agreed to produce a…Read more...
Study Finds Healthy Lifestyle Can Cut Risk Of Developing Alzheimer’s By 60%
A new study found that a good diet, adequate exercise, limiting alcohol, and not smoking could cut the risks of developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia by 60%. What do you think?Read more...
Man Worried He Has Nothing In Common With Friend Group Apart From Murder They Covered Up 10 Years Ago
AMARILLO, TX—Expressing concerns that he and those who were once closest to him had become emotionally distant over the past decade, local man John Shipley, 28, was worried Monday that he had nothing in common with his friend group apart from the 2009 murder they covered up. “It’s sad, but I noticed that the last few…Read more...
Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor
TORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a bedroom in his apartment off-limits to party guest Claire Upton Friday as if it was a forbidden wing of a decrepit Gothic manor. “Oh, the door past the bathroom? You wouldn’t want to go back there,” said…Read more...
Question Marks Indicating Playful Uncertainty About Party’s End Time Mean 9:30 P.M.
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Woman Basks In Magic Of Summer While Opening Her Mouth To Sky To Catch Air-Conditioner Drippings
CHICAGO—Letting out an excited cheer and cocking her head back whimsically toward the sky, area woman Jenna Hastings reportedly basked in the magic of summer Friday and spent the afternoon catching air-conditioner drippings in her mouth. “I don’t know what it is, but the sensation of those big drops of dirty…Read more...
Men And Women Equally Aroused By Pornography, Study Finds
Neural analysis has found that the sexes are equally aroused by viewing pornography, contradicting the commonly held belief that men are more visually inclined in their sexual tendencies. What do you think?Read more...
Koch Foods CEO Applauds Immigrant Arrests As Consequence Of Illegally Accepting Job At Koch Foods
PARK RIDGE, IL—Proclaiming his appreciation for ICE in making sure that those who disobeyed U.S. law were made to pay for their crimes, Koch Foods CEO Joseph Grendys reportedly applauded the arrests of hundreds of immigrant workers Friday as a just consequence for illegally accepting a job at Koch Foods. “These…Read more...
Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo
CLIVE, IA—Urging those who shared his racial background to do what they must to hold power and subjugate people of other races, a manifesto published online Friday by white supremacist Melvin Thornbill called on his fellow Americans to rise up and maintain the status quo. “My fellow white Americans, we can reign over…Read more...
NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets
WASHINGTON—Reminding players that failing to report to training camp was a high-risk move with no guarantee of success, the National Football League Players Association released a statement Friday warning holdouts that they might end up having to sign with the New York Jets. “We understand you want a better contract,…Read more...
Opioid Deaths Declining
Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?Read more...
Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra
NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards Friday with the release of their new 3-cup bra. “Women will see the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria and think they are somehow 33%…Read more...
Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S.
The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion looks back at the history of capital punishment in the United States.Read more...
Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago
A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91% of respondents individuals were more likely to air their frustrations over social media than in person. What do you think?Read more...
New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person
SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster…Read more...
Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything
SAN DIEGO—Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, local child James Lipstein, 12, told reporters Thursday that he was increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything. “I’ll always love them, of course, but I’m starting to think that if they don’t…Read more...
Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers
SONOMA COUNTY, CA—Touting the quality and value of his extensive line of fine wines, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola spent Thursday afternoon hawking Coppola Winery Cabernet samples to generally indifferent shoppers at his local Ralphs supermarket. “I told this nice young couple about the high-quality grapes we…Read more...
FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings
The FBI will open a domestic terrorism investigation into the individuals responsible for the Gilroy and Dayton shootings after finding suggestions that the suspects were exploring several “competing” violent ideologies that may have influenced them. What do you think?Read more...
Badass Pilot Slides Across Hood Of Plane Before Diving Through Window Into Cockpit Seat
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How To Procrastinate Productively
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Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the products should never have left the factory floor with such blatant defects, infant-mobility giant Graco issued a recall of several stroller models Thursday after discovering that the company’s branding was not visible enough. “We apologize to anyone who recently purchased one of our…Read more...
House Republicans Face Exodus
With seven of their colleagues from a wide range of districts announcing their exit from the House of Representatives, Republicans are facing a reckoning that could allow Democrats to make further inroads in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
Tucker Carlson Insists Every White Supremacist In America Could Fit In Stadium But That Tickets To TuckerCon Won’t Last
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‘Things Will Never Be As Good In Real Life As They Are On TV,’ Sighs Man Watching Sated Cartoon Character Pull Entire Fish Skeleton Out Of Mouth
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R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser
MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s…Read more...
‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10
The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.Read more...
Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie
NAPA, CA—Determined to ensure the editing team “had enough coverage to work with,” perfectionist head coach Jon Gruden forced the ‘Hard Knocks’ production crew Wednesday to film 78 takes of a scene where he cuts a rookie running back. “I really liked how your face looked in that first take when I rattled off your…Read more...
Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen
HOUSTON—As he praised the growing representation in popular culture of people who at least superficially resemble him, local Pakistani-American Zabir Jalbani told reporters Wednesday he has been thrilled to see more characters on television and in movies who could feasibly pass for his nationality. “It’s really…Read more...
Painting Hanging In Thrift Store Must Be Founder Of The Salvation Army
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Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction
Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban “addictive” social media features such as infinite scrolling effect and autoplay while introducing a 30 minute limit on such websites. What do you think?Read more...
iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly…Read more...
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