The Onion

LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost…Read more...

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TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom Brady woke up from a week-long long kombucha bender Thursday to discover that he signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking that shot of ginger lemon…Read more...

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The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?Read more...

His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?Read more...

Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime! After weeks of panic and uncertainty, Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision early Wednesday morning to cut you a stimulus check for $1,200 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 75…Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take…Read more...

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner,…Read more...

LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their…Read more...

The Chinese government announced that in two weeks it will end the mandatory lockdown on the city of Wuhan nearly 80 days after it began, citing a significant slowdown of coronavirus infections in the country. What do you think?Read more...

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One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.Read more...

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Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most…Read more...

Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.Read more...

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about …Read more...

Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?Read more...

The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?Read more...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?Read more...

SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless…Read more...

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Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!Read more...

The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.Read more...

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…Read more...

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…Read more...

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said…Read more...

As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my…Read more...

Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them…Read more...

“When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”Read more...

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A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.Read more...

In a video that has since gone viral, penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity to explore the premises and visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the public. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected, experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon. “According to our most recent projections, residents in all…Read more...

We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital…Read more...

NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country, sources confirmed Friday. “People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords,…Read more...

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even…Read more...

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…Read more...

This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.Read more...

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