The Onion

BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy…Read more...

GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up…Read more...

NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form,…Read more...

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Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.Read more...

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this…Read more...

Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up…Read more...

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Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.Read more...

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The Chambermaid: I am near certain that she glimpsed me in the hall, much closer to the colonel’s chambers than just a friendly acquaintance is wont to go.Read more...

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Producers for HBO Max’s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd will hunt Bugs Bunny with a scythe, though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such as explosives and other Acme products. What do you think?Read more...

As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd, 67% of Americans say President Trump has increased racial tensions and 62% agree the demonstrations are lawful, according to a Marist poll. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight, video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after inadvertently giving a platform to thousands of theater kids. “Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform A Star Is Born covers are deeply disturbing, and we’re very sorry…Read more...

NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm.…Read more...

Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.Read more...

It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.Read more...

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Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?Read more...

Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles Police chief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to…Read more...

Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.

BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on…Read more...

Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her…Read more...

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.Read more...

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Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?Read more...

Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice, mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it will no longer promote President Trump’s account on its Discover feature, which highlights content from celebrities and news organizations. What do you think?Read more...

1953-54 Minneapolis Lakers: Capped off three straight championships but were unable to defend their title the following season after George Mikan gave up half the team as known Communists during a Congressional hearing.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York will welcome the American military as saviors,” said senator Tom Cotton…Read more...

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NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn’t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work. “It’s important to stay educated about the issues…Read more...

Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.Read more...

The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic discriminatory practices over the last decade, a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained by state law. What do you think?Read more...

Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims, activists, attorneys, and celebrities to honor the life of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it…Read more...