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Updated 2025-07-18 22:16
Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession
A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and another 7% said he would be solely responsible. What do you think?Read more...
Brazilian Government Equips Firefighters With Flamethrowers To Combat Massive Amazon Rainforest
BRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government announced Thursday that it was equipping crews of firefighters with flamethrowers to combat the massive Amazon rainforest. “We have marshaled our resources and distributed flamethrowers to thousands of…Read more...
Derek Jeter Just Going To Go Ahead And Count Stray Cats In Marlins Attendance Figure
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New Trump Policy Would Permit Indefinite Detention Of Migrant Families
The Trump administration has announced it is ending a federal court agreement that limits detainment of migrant families with children to 20 days, although the new policy will almost certainly be challenged in court. What do you think?Read more...
Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed
WASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Thursday that found the vast majority of freeway accidents could have been filmed. “Our data revealed that in almost every instance where a massive car wreck occurred, there was something that alert…Read more...
ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses
BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses. “With our new hyperspace-based…Read more...
Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well
WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their…Read more...
10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games
One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.Read more...
Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves
CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need…Read more...
James Bond 25 Gets Title, Release Date
The new James Bond will be titled No Time To Die and released in April 2020, according to a social media announcement about the film, which will see Daniel Craig’s character recruited from a vacation in Jamaica to thwart a global plot. What do you think?Read more...
Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition
SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed…Read more...
Most Anticipated TV Shows Of Fall 2019
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Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire
BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a…Read more...
Trump Says Any Jewish Person Voting For Democrat Shows ‘Great Disloyalty’
President Trump on Tuesday said that any Jewish person who votes Democrat shows “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty,” drawing criticism from those who said the president’s remarks were evoking an anti-Semitic stereotype. What do you think?Read more...
How A 2020 Recession Could Happen
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Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice
BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy…Read more...
Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Emphasizing that the last thing he wanted to do was offend someone in their own home, local man Tyler Fredriksson told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure if his friend’s house was the type where he was supposed to take off his clothes before entering. “Growing up, my family kept our shirts, pants,…Read more...
Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production
LOWELL, MA—In a huge blow to the already neglected varsity team, the Lowell High School football program found its future season in jeopardy this week after administrators allocated $500,000 of school funds to the theater department’s upcoming production of Little Women. “We’re worried about the future of the program.…Read more...
Four Tons Of Pot Found Buried In Jalapeños
San Diego authorities uncovered nearly four tons of marijuana smuggled beneath a shipment of jalapeños at the Otay Mesa Port of Entry. What do you think?Read more...
Woman Starting To Worry She Turning Into Mother Teresa
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Famous Boycotts In U.S. History
Politically driven boycotts of consumer products and pressure on companies to stop advertising on controversial platforms have been a hallmark of the Trump era, but boycotts in America go back well before the 45th president. The Onion takes a look at the history of consumer boycotts in the U.S.Read more...
Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs
SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that they never intended to leak the vast trove of state secrets to a foreign entity, Discovery Channel pulled the controversial nuclear power episode of How It’s Made Wednesday after realizing the show had allowed Iran access top-secret U.S. Department of Energy designs. “Had we known…Read more...
Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine
HypoPet AG, a Swiss-based company, announced it has developed a vaccine called HypoCat that can be administered to cats to neutralize allergy-causing dander. What do you think?Read more...
Popeyes Escalates Chick-Fil-A Rivalry With New Sandwich Featuring Dan Cathy’s Battered, Fried Loved Ones
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White Supremacist Writing Manifesto Wonders If He Relying Too Much On Easy Racial Stereotypes
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Cowboys Team Doctor Breaks News That Mentally Deteriorating Jerry Jones Will Soon Be Unable To Recognize Single Player On Roster
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Report: Ugh, Trail Mix All Raisins, Almonds, Dried Cranberries, Chocolate Chips, Cashews, Sunflower Seeds
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A Look At The Class Of 2023
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Executive Lorder
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Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance
Listen up, Yoshi fans! After years of speculation about why Mario’s companion can throw eggs to defeat enemies, we just got definitive confirmation from the company that Yoshi’s ability is meant to be a pro-choice political statement.Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 20, 2019
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Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door
NORTH CARTHAGE, MO—Seemingly oblivious to what was going on outside of his home just a few feet away, sources confirmed Tuesday that the main character in a thriller film was completely unaware of the hundreds of reporters that had descended upon his front lawn until the very moment he opened the front door. “You’d…Read more...
Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate
In a positive development for future and current outbreaks, experimental trials found that individuals have a 90% survival rate when treated with a new set of antibody-based Ebola treatments called REGN-EB3 and mAb114, which will now be deployed to all outbreak patients in the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you…Read more...
NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay
FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having…Read more...
Tearful Daniel Pantaleo Embraces Family In Loving Chokehold After Returning Home From Station
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Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop
NEW YORK—Promising to do everything in his power to help the former starting quarterback, hip-hop superstar and business mogul Jay-Z pledged Monday to make sure Colin Kaepernick gets a contract with an NFL stadium shop. “Kaepernick has stayed in great shape, and I am confident that he could achieve a great deal of…Read more...
Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal
THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry…Read more...
Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them
LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can…Read more...
Newt Gingrich Slams ‘New York Times’ 1619 Project As Shameless Abolitionist Propaganda
NEW YORK—Bemoaning the paper’s recent series focusing on the role slavery played in American history, Newt Gingrich slammed The New York Times’ 1619 Project Monday as shameless abolitionist propaganda. “What we’re seeing is the tragic decline of The New York Times into a propaganda paper that’s clearly operating in…Read more...
Trump Advisor Confirms Administration Looking Into Buying Greenland
Top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow said on Fox News Sunday that the White House is looking into the possibility of buying Greenland, despite the fact that Greenland’s government recently confirmed that the island was “not for sale.” What do you think?Read more...
Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream
LA CROSSE, WI—The initially heartwarming story of cancer patient Trevor Powell’s visit to heaven came under scrutiny Monday after sources close to the boy revealed that, upon reflection, the account sounded more and more like a wet dream. “At first, when Trevor said that he was going into a dark tunnel and felt a warm…Read more...
After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6
At Onion Gamers Network, we always strive to provide the pinnacle in gaming news, commentary, previews, and reviews. On rare occasions, however, we have failed to live up to these lofty standards and must take significant steps to correct these missteps. Today, we find ourselves needing to do just that. After a…Read more...
Aging Boxing Veteran Wishes Someone Had Told Him Being Punched Unconscious Could Damage His Brain
BOSTON—Frustrated that he had gone decades in the ring without once being warned of the risks, aging boxing veteran Tony Sheehan told reporters Monday that he wished someone had told him that being repeatedly punched unconscious for years could damage his brain. “I mean, I guess I kind of knew it couldn’t be exactly…Read more...
John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Presidential Race
Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced that he will drop out of the 2020 presidential race in order to pursue a bid for Senate. What do you think?Read more...
Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well
DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer,…Read more...
Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3
CLEVELAND—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Browns fan Murray Fields told reporters Friday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Browns to have a great year, but…Read more...
CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers
Look like someone is hearing fan concerns! Polish game studio CD Projekt Red just told OGN that they’ve completely eliminated the need for crunch on their upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 by breeding a race of grotesque human-rat hybrids that can work as programmers for weeks on end without the need for sleep or food.Read more...
Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats
Israel decided to prohibit Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from visiting Israel due to their support of the BDS movement, although it offered to open the West Bank to Tlaib for a strictly humanitarian visit to her grandmother, a visit that she turned down out of protest. What do you think?Read more...
Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline
ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our…Read more...
Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out
ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain…Read more...
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