The Onion

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how sad it made her family to see the 84-year-old looking so old and frail, local woman Janice Hartley told reporters Thursday that her father’s inability to get out of his chair now had excused his increasingly virulent racism. “It’s just so sad—he used to be fairly active, but now he just sits…Read more...

NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups, ESPN officials encouraged Get Up! host Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary. “We’re taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike’s pointless babble doesn’t…Read more...

NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda, the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon…Read more...

EAST AURORA, NY—Calling the activity center “perfect for newborns as well the most hardened young adrenaline junkies,” Fisher-Price introduced a new Bungee Jumperoo Thursday for thrill-seeking babies. “Whether your infant is diving off a bridge in Austria or plummeting from a rocky New Zealand cliff, the Fisher-Price…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to help ease the economic burden of the coronavirus pandemic, Congress passed a new bill Wednesday that approved $3 trillion in funding for a 35-mile overpass capable of housing millions of recently evicted U.S. citizens. “We know the American people are struggling, and we are thrilled to…Read more...

Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.Read more...

As pharmaceutical companies rush to develop a vaccine for Covid-19, scientists and policymakers are concerned global demand for glass vials combined with borosilicate shortages could create bottlenecks in distributing the lifesaving drugs. What do you think?Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months, many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions on travelers. The Onion highlights some of the coronavirus travel restrictions around the country for anyone thinking of taking a trip.

BALTIMORE, MD—As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the assignment, every member of the Baltimore Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group. “I’ll do it! I would be so good at going undercover—if I’m in…Read more...

SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While…Read more...

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As part of their bid to finalize a $2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit, Google told EU regulators this week that the company will not use health data from the wearable activity trackers to help create targeted ads. What do you think?Read more...

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer’s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone. “Jesus…Read more...

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Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.Read more...

DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe. “After extensive research, we can state with a high degree…Read more...

Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government, a concern that cybersecurity experts say is largely hypothetical. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy…Read more...

ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available. “Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the…Read more...

California’s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later this year and will instead teach students 100% online. What do you think?Read more...

CALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film’s production in 2018, he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star. “We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back, and I found myself locked in…Read more...

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LAS VEGAS, NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not, in fact, include the use of insects, a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks. “So, does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with…Read more...

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Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.Read more...

Starting July 15, Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other patrons, a decision based on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator, Greg Torkson, a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan, confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense. “At first, some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched, but the more…Read more...

CATASAUQUA, PA—Expressing regret that he hadn’t taken better care of the prized possession, foliage enthusiast Andrew Gerard confirmed Tuesday that his maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain. “Christ, it’s all soggy and falling apart now,” said Gerard, who used a hair dryer in a failed…Read more...

President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We…Read more...

RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “Hey, I think you’re muted” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd, who was screaming “Fuck you, fuck all of you.” “Wait, nobody can hear you,” said Keely, was quickly joined by the rest of his coworkers in…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of…Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of…Read more...

Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars,…Read more...

BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to…Read more...

Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.Read more...

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President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?Read more...

The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.

All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.Read more...

ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven…Read more...

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