The Onion

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Admitting they were sorting through their heartbreak weeks after the tragedy, members of Sarpino family struggled to get through their first Christmas since their father returned, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Honestly, we’ve tried to just soldier through and enjoy what we can of baking cookies and…Read more...

Proved that working for a long time on something is basically the same as it being good.Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.Read more...

Featuring a narrowed field of only seven candidates, Democratic frontrunners Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Pete Buttigieg took the stage last night alongside other candidates to provide viewers with further insight into their campaigns for presidency in the last debate of the year. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Explaining their intense, overwhelming desire for more film, TV, or merchandise involving the beloved Dr. Seuss character, an antsy, jonesing nation issued demands Friday for new Grinch content. “It’s been almost an entire year since we’ve seen our favorite green Christmas curmudgeon brought to life on the…Read more...

Read more...

HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the…Read more...

Listen up, Nintendo fanboys, because do we have news for you! Do you own a Switch and have an Amazon Prime subscription? You do? Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Overcome with despair after realizing he’d never again see the franchise’s beloved characters, local Rise Of Skywalker fan Tim Abrams told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe there wasn’t ever going to be another Star Wars movie. “What a bummer—no more lightsabers, no more force, no more toys, no…Read more...

BEIJING—In the wake of criticism over their video monitoring and digital tracking of civilians, Chinese government officials defended their move toward mass surveillance Thursday by explaining that life was a grand performance, a ballet of sorts, that they were privileged to bear witness to. “Each of our citizens is a…Read more...

Amidst mixed reviews and mounting hype, Star Wars fans will line up this weekend to see Rise of the Skywalker, the ninth installment of the sci-fi series. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stunned into silence after reading through thousands of highly critical comments about the new film, James Darnell, the CG supervisor for Cats, spoke up quietly Thursday to note that he thought he actually did an okay job. “Honestly, I think the end result didn’t turn out so bad at all,” said Darnell,…Read more...

testRead more...

Read more...

NEW CASTLE, DE—Noting that it had become way more noticeable in her hips and chin lately, local body-positive male ally Jason Isakson was reportedly worried Thursday that his girlfriend has been packing on the beauty lately. “Ashley has been really stressed out recently, and I fear that there may be more of her to…Read more...

This motherfucker honestly thought we were just going to sit quietly and complete a worksheet on binomials. God, the hubris.Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—Expressing ambivalence toward the relatively balanced appraisal of the film, Star Wars fan Miles Ariely admitted Thursday that an online publication’s middling review of The Rise Of Skywalker had left him on the fence about whether he would still threaten to kill the critic who wrote it. “I’m really of two…Read more...

You didn’t go inside or offer any indication that you were even considering adopting an animal right now, so this one is 100% on the dog.Read more...

When the Starbucks barista asked if we could spell our name for her, you bet we pounced to say that at least it’s not as hard to spell as “anemone,” of which the Monterey Bay Aquarium has six varieties.Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

In a historic rebuke to the White House’s misconduct, the House of Representatives voted to impeach the president on charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, invoking the power for only the third time in American history. What do you think?Read more...

While speaking at an event in Singapore, former President Obama argued that if women ran every country in the world, there would be a general improvement in living standards and outcomes, and that women are “indisputably” better than men. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Recycling has been practiced for most of human history, and over the last several decades, it has become a cornerstone in the fight against environmental degradation, but many myths about it persist. The Onion debunks common myths about recycling.Read more...

Read more...

Lashing out over frustrations concerning the impeachment process, the president sent a rambling letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi calling Democrats “deranged” and accusing them of bringing to life the worst fears of the Founding Fathers. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Wondering if the woman had any idea how normal interactions like this are supposed to work, employees at Humana Insurance were becoming annoyed Wednesday with a customer who did not seem to realize that offers to pay for healthcare were just supposed to be a polite gesture. “Offering to cover 80% of…Read more...

Read more...

ANN ARBOR—Contradicting long-standing beliefs about the once frowned-upon practice, a study released Tuesday by psychologists at the University of Michigan found that comparing yourself to others is actually an effective way to gauge success. “While we did not study the effects that comparing yourself to others may…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he doesn’t want the presence of the buildings to distract from the film’s core message of hope and friendship, director Paul Greengrass announced Wednesday a remastered edition of United 93 that will have the World Trade Center digitally removed. “In order to avoid forcing people to relive…Read more...

Citing family responsibilities and scheduling conflicts, Chicago-based musician Chance the Rapper canceled his 2020 tour while announcing plans to spend time to develop new music. What do you think?Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Appearing seemingly out of nowhere as he clutched the neatly wrapped box to his chest, area man Greg Fleming had a little present for you, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I got you a present,” said 36-year-old Fleming, who noted that it was completely fine if you didn’t have a present to give him in return…Read more...

Read more...

In a major piece of health care reform, Congress looks poised to pass legislation that would ban sales of tobacco to anyone under the age of 21 to help combat the teenage vaping epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama A CactusRead more...

Read more...

DALLAS, CO—Revealing that not a single favorable attribute had emerged organically from his own personality, all of area man Spencer Lindell’s positive qualities were stolen from past friends, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I legitimately don’t think there’s a single good characteristic Spencer has that he didn’t pluck…Read more...

Read more...

ULTRA-TOPEKA, KS—Holding his hand over the USB port implanted below his left ear, local Luddite Thomas Berkshire reportedly refused to merge consciousness Tuesday with his new self-driving 2070 Hyundai Elantra. “Uh oh, big scary technology is gonna steal Thomas’s very essence if he plugs in his brain stem to the car’s…Read more...

GLEN FALLS, NY—Revealing that her lousy peers’ advice had been invaluable, aspiring novelist Alicia Duncan confirmed Tuesday that the writer’s retreat she’s attending provides a great opportunity to receive critical feedback from other nobodies. “It’s been incredible to spend the week getting diverse perspectives on…Read more...