The Onion

TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that his house was perfectly fine to live in now and really didn’t need that many updates, local 32-year-old Jerry MacQuoid confirmed Friday that he didn’t want to put too much effort into fixing up a home he was just going to burn down for insurance fraud one day. “Sure, the floors are scuffed,…

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.

Former President Jimmy Carter has been released from Phoebe Sumter Medical Center and is resting at his home after being admitted for a urinary tract infection. What do you think?

HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse of all the women he had ever dated was simply a phase that would end when he met the right girl. “I know it’s a little silly for Dev to still be…

After months of low polling and a struggle to define herself against opponents, Senator Kamala Harris announced she would drop out of the 2020 presidential race, saying her campaign “simply doesn’t have the financial resources we need to continue.” What do you think?

CHICAGO—In an effort to study the rodents’ ability to manipulate simple magical objects, researchers at the University of Chicago reportedly released a teeny little minotaur into a maze Thursday to test mice’s capacity to use enchanted string. “Our thesis is that by adding the external pressure of a teensy tiny…

MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that they had signed their son up for a community rec soccer team to see if it would spark any sort of interest in sports for him. “We’ve had a hard time over the…Read more...

Preliminary results for trials of the drugs HVTN 702, Imbokodo, and Mosaico have caused rising hopes for a vaccine that could help lower the 1.8 million yearly cases of HIV that are transmitted every year and strike a definitive blow against the deadly virus. What do you think?Read more...

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ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Shedding new light on just how happy life could have been if things had worked out a little differently, a new report published Wednesday has concluded that it sure would’ve been nice if Dad had loved his original family as much as his second one. “You can really see he’s an empathetic person who…Read more...

In a sweeping 300-page document released this week, Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee outlined evidence that they say proves President Trump solicited foreign interference in the 2020 elections for personal gain, a claim that will be used in the debate on whether to remove the 45th president from office.…Read more...

ARCATA, CA—Yanking the girl into the grocery store to avoid further embarrassment, local mom Tara Cochran scolded her daughter Wednesday for pointing at a homeless man instead of ignoring his very existence. “Sophia, no. We do not acknowledge a homeless person’s humanity, it’s impolite,” said Cochran, quietly…Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration at the pressure from his parents and siblings to visit more often, the immortal soul of deceased man Bryan Glench complained to reporters Wednesday about his loved ones being so far away from him, on the opposite side of heaven. “Don’t get me wrong, I like my family, but I hate…Read more...

LONDON—Defending the allegations of sexual assault against Prince Andrew as integral to their rich and storied culture, the British royal family issued a statement Tuesday condemning the media’s ugly attacks on their traditional practice of sexual abuse. “This is one of our most dearly held traditional practices,…Read more...

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Hoping to secure a second chance with the Patriots by taking accountability for his actions, wide receiver Antonio Brown attempted to prove he was a changed man Monday by breaking into Robert Kraft’s house in the middle of the night to apologize. “Look, I know I screwed up, and I just wanted to do…Read more...

While stressing that his message before the global COP25 climate conference was one of hope rather than despair, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres told reporters that the world’s government must make immediate changes or face a point of no return. What do you think?Read more...

CROTHERSVILLE, IN—Saying he sleepwalks through life until the next opportunity arises to savor tangy, slow-cooked meats, sources confirmed Tuesday local man Evan Demers spends his days occasionally eating barbecue in between doing things he hates. “He works really long hours at a job he despises, constantly complains…Read more...

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing elevated tensions in the group, washboard player Jimmy Phelps confirmed Tuesday that he was tired of his jug band’s spoons guy getting all the chicks. “I do a lot of leg work setting the tone for the whole show, yet the ladies are all over that jackass,” said Phelps, watching with envy as female…Read more...

Hey, gamers, get ready for a nostalgia kick! Remember Command and Conquer? No? You don’t? Oh, well, huh...We had this whole thing planned about the game, but if this isn’t ringing a bell, you can just forget about it.Read more...

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SOUDERTON, PA—Lauding the children’s series’ overall quality and specifically noting its commitment to comprehensive world-building, local stay-at-home dad Judd Teudel, who remarked Tuesday that he personally found Team Umizoomi “actually kind of interesting,” was reportedly on the verge of a complete psychotic…Read more...

TEHRAN, IRAN—Slamming critics in the wake of the government’s violent crackdown on mass demonstrations, President Hassan Rouhani attacked activists trying to come up with a protester body count Monday for being complete dorks obsessed with numbers. “Not only are these allegations baseless but anyone trying to compile…Read more...

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Leonardo Dicaprio refuted claims by Brazil’s right-wing president Jair Bolsonaro that the Hollywood actor and activist financed wildfires in the Amazon in order to stir up additional donations to the World Wildlife Funds, an assertion the South American leader has used to arrest several volunteer firefighters. What do …Read more...

WASHINGTON—Getting back into their routines with a renewed outlook on life after the long holiday weekend, the entire U.S. labor force reportedly returned to work Monday a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, and a little more thankful. “My job isn’t perfect, but I’m grateful it’s mine and grateful to be back,”…Read more...

Attention gamers! Here’s a deal that’s just too good to pass up. This guy with a nice suit passing 35th and Claremont Ave. is probably carrying enough on him right now to buy the Death Stranding PS4 Pro bundle if you stick him up.Read more...

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Thousands of flight cancellations and inclement weather have threatened travel plans for Americans attempting to return home after Thanksgiving break. What do you think?Read more...

TULSA, OK—Stressing that the part-time administrative assistant should book a flight as soon as possible, sources confirmed this week that all of 28-year-old Hailey Allen’s problems stem from her never having visited Europe. “All her relationship hang-ups, low self-esteem, and failures at work would immediately…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like…Read more...

SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,”…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Criticizing the troublemaker for showing an utter lack of decorum, Alexander Ovechkin shanked a slapshot into the stands at Wednesday’s game against the Florida Panthers after an unruly fan coughed during his backswing. “It’s frustrating that some fans would disrespect the game of hockey by refusing to…Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—The owner of a new sip-and-weld studio revealed that the workshop will provide guests the opportunity to casually drink wine while creating their very own blowtorched masterpiece, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You bring the cabernet, we’ll supply the arc welders, oxy-acetylene torches, face shields, and…Read more...

OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me…Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…Read more...

Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…Read more...

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.Read more...

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The Supreme Court said Monday it would not review the case of Adnan Syed, the subject of the popular podcast Serial, which covered the 1999 murder of which he was accused. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible atrocity,” said…Read more...

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Standing with survivors of the 1945 U.S. atomic bombings, Pope Francis spoke in Hiroshima and Nagasaki to criticize the use of nuclear weapons and to chide countries for dismantling Cold War-era nuclear arms control agreements. What do you think?Read more...

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EUGENE, OR—A wide smile lighting up their faces as the crow’s feet crinkled around their eyes, the nation’s long-haired old men in flowy linen shirts issued a prepared statement Tuesday in which they confirmed that you are loved. “You are a wondrous creature overflowing with vibrancy and life, and you, my child, are…Read more...