The Onion

THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being’s “absolutely killer” abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him, The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out, heavenly sources confirmed Friday. “Every bicycle crunch I…Read more...

You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.Read more...

Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus.Read more...

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In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada’s governor to lift the order shutting down nonessential businesses and allow casinos to reopen, at one point claiming the city could be used as a control group to test if social distancing really works. What do you think?Read more...

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In the history of anime, there have been countless incredible characters who will forever be etched into the memories of audiences. Today, we’ll be counting down the truly unforgettable ones.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pulling in sports fans with its lurid, never-before-seen footage of the ’97-’98 Bulls behind-the-scenes drama, viewers of The Last Dance docuseries flocked to social media Sunday to admit they were hooked by the thrilling Benny The Bull paternity suit storyline. “He had the full support of the team, but we…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret,…Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

The Hubble Space Telescope, which revolutionized humanity’s ability to see the cosmos, was launched on this day in 1990 aboard the space shuttle Discovery. What do you think?Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.Read more...

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EVANSTON, IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model. “We discovered that 90% of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of…Read more...

For fans of Overwatch or Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, Riot Games’ Valorant represents the game to beat in 2020. A tactical shooter with incredible 5v5 team-based dynamics, the title also has exactly the sort of sharp learning curve we’ve come to expect from the genre. So, read on and dig into OGN’s definitive…Read more...

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With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh.Read more...

The state of Missouri is suing the Chinese government over its handling of the coronavirus, claiming residents and businesses suffered tens of billions of dollars in damages and accusing the Communist Party of making the pandemic worse by hoarding masks. What do you think?Read more...

BOCA RATON, FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years, 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him. “When I looked at this Chase Young fella, I still just kind of assume we’re the…Read more...

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. “Despite very encouraging trials…Read more...

Sales of the Nintendo Switch more than doubled while PlayStation 4 and Xbox One sales were up 25% compared to last year, highlighting how Americans are turning to video games for entertainment during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

Stuck inside with nothing to do? Are your days passing by unremarkably, each feeling more uniform than the one that came before? Give yourself a breather and check out some viewing suggestions to make these trying times a bit more tolerable. Here, The Onion offers recommendations on what to watch while you’re…Read more...

Muslims around the world will observe the start of Ramadan today, marking the beginning of a month of fasting, reflection, and prayer for 1.8 billion people. What do you think?Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Contemplating her personal growth as she worked through what she described as a profound, transformative experience, local baby Emma Gibson confirmed Thursday that she had emerged from a game of peekaboo a wiser and more reflective individual. “Learning to process these intense and unanticipated feelings…Read more...

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I think we all know what this means.Read more...

Chase Young (Ohio State), DE: Easily the best pass rusher in the draft, the 21-year-old defensive end is fueled by his belief that quarterbacks are hollow and filled with candy.Read more...

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Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super Bowl contender, former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for Tom Brady as well. “I gotta go down to Tampa’s front office and ask coach…Read more...

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NEW HAVEN, CT—Admitting that a highly contagious, deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity, local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive.…Read more...

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German officials announced that Oktoberfest, the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall, has been canceled due to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival’s densely packed beer tents. What do you think?Read more...

There’s no getting around the fact that it’s been a heartbreaking few months for fans of Naughty Dog’s ultra-popular The Last of Us franchise. Already pushed back from its initial May 29 release date, the developer recently confirmed that Part II of the series would receive an indefinite delay due to the ongoing…Read more...

LOL…that is one perfectly cogent text-based exchange.Read more...

SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to…Read more...

Across the United States, a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care more difficult and raised the risk of coronavirus transmission. The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America’s PPE shortage.Read more...

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He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.Read more...

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The Lyrid meteor shower, an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth’s atmosphere, will be especially vibrant this year as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker than normal. What do you think?Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Vowing to make bolder, less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward, local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state’s ongoing lockdown, she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public. “Life’s too short—I see that now—and…Read more...

Executives for the burger chain Shake Shack say they will return the $10 million loan they received as part of the Paycheck Protection Program, a now-empty relief fund which was intended to help small businesses pay employees during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

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