The Onion

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Shedding new light on just how happy life could have been if things had worked out a little differently, a new report published Wednesday has concluded that it sure would’ve been nice if Dad had loved his original family as much as his second one. “You can really see he’s an empathetic person who…Read more...

In a sweeping 300-page document released this week, Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee outlined evidence that they say proves President Trump solicited foreign interference in the 2020 elections for personal gain, a claim that will be used in the debate on whether to remove the 45th president from office.…Read more...

ARCATA, CA—Yanking the girl into the grocery store to avoid further embarrassment, local mom Tara Cochran scolded her daughter Wednesday for pointing at a homeless man instead of ignoring his very existence. “Sophia, no. We do not acknowledge a homeless person’s humanity, it’s impolite,” said Cochran, quietly…Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration at the pressure from his parents and siblings to visit more often, the immortal soul of deceased man Bryan Glench complained to reporters Wednesday about his loved ones being so far away from him, on the opposite side of heaven. “Don’t get me wrong, I like my family, but I hate…Read more...

LONDON—Defending the allegations of sexual assault against Prince Andrew as integral to their rich and storied culture, the British royal family issued a statement Tuesday condemning the media’s ugly attacks on their traditional practice of sexual abuse. “This is one of our most dearly held traditional practices,…Read more...

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Hoping to secure a second chance with the Patriots by taking accountability for his actions, wide receiver Antonio Brown attempted to prove he was a changed man Monday by breaking into Robert Kraft’s house in the middle of the night to apologize. “Look, I know I screwed up, and I just wanted to do…Read more...

While stressing that his message before the global COP25 climate conference was one of hope rather than despair, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres told reporters that the world’s government must make immediate changes or face a point of no return. What do you think?Read more...

CROTHERSVILLE, IN—Saying he sleepwalks through life until the next opportunity arises to savor tangy, slow-cooked meats, sources confirmed Tuesday local man Evan Demers spends his days occasionally eating barbecue in between doing things he hates. “He works really long hours at a job he despises, constantly complains…Read more...

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing elevated tensions in the group, washboard player Jimmy Phelps confirmed Tuesday that he was tired of his jug band’s spoons guy getting all the chicks. “I do a lot of leg work setting the tone for the whole show, yet the ladies are all over that jackass,” said Phelps, watching with envy as female…Read more...

Hey, gamers, get ready for a nostalgia kick! Remember Command and Conquer? No? You don’t? Oh, well, huh...We had this whole thing planned about the game, but if this isn’t ringing a bell, you can just forget about it.Read more...

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SOUDERTON, PA—Lauding the children’s series’ overall quality and specifically noting its commitment to comprehensive world-building, local stay-at-home dad Judd Teudel, who remarked Tuesday that he personally found Team Umizoomi “actually kind of interesting,” was reportedly on the verge of a complete psychotic…Read more...

TEHRAN, IRAN—Slamming critics in the wake of the government’s violent crackdown on mass demonstrations, President Hassan Rouhani attacked activists trying to come up with a protester body count Monday for being complete dorks obsessed with numbers. “Not only are these allegations baseless but anyone trying to compile…Read more...

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Leonardo Dicaprio refuted claims by Brazil’s right-wing president Jair Bolsonaro that the Hollywood actor and activist financed wildfires in the Amazon in order to stir up additional donations to the World Wildlife Funds, an assertion the South American leader has used to arrest several volunteer firefighters. What do …Read more...

WASHINGTON—Getting back into their routines with a renewed outlook on life after the long holiday weekend, the entire U.S. labor force reportedly returned to work Monday a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, and a little more thankful. “My job isn’t perfect, but I’m grateful it’s mine and grateful to be back,”…Read more...

Attention gamers! Here’s a deal that’s just too good to pass up. This guy with a nice suit passing 35th and Claremont Ave. is probably carrying enough on him right now to buy the Death Stranding PS4 Pro bundle if you stick him up.Read more...

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Thousands of flight cancellations and inclement weather have threatened travel plans for Americans attempting to return home after Thanksgiving break. What do you think?Read more...

TULSA, OK—Stressing that the part-time administrative assistant should book a flight as soon as possible, sources confirmed this week that all of 28-year-old Hailey Allen’s problems stem from her never having visited Europe. “All her relationship hang-ups, low self-esteem, and failures at work would immediately…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like…Read more...

SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,”…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Criticizing the troublemaker for showing an utter lack of decorum, Alexander Ovechkin shanked a slapshot into the stands at Wednesday’s game against the Florida Panthers after an unruly fan coughed during his backswing. “It’s frustrating that some fans would disrespect the game of hockey by refusing to…Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—The owner of a new sip-and-weld studio revealed that the workshop will provide guests the opportunity to casually drink wine while creating their very own blowtorched masterpiece, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You bring the cabernet, we’ll supply the arc welders, oxy-acetylene torches, face shields, and…Read more...

OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me…Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…Read more...

Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…Read more...

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.Read more...

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The Supreme Court said Monday it would not review the case of Adnan Syed, the subject of the popular podcast Serial, which covered the 1999 murder of which he was accused. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible atrocity,” said…Read more...

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Standing with survivors of the 1945 U.S. atomic bombings, Pope Francis spoke in Hiroshima and Nagasaki to criticize the use of nuclear weapons and to chide countries for dismantling Cold War-era nuclear arms control agreements. What do you think?Read more...

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EUGENE, OR—A wide smile lighting up their faces as the crow’s feet crinkled around their eyes, the nation’s long-haired old men in flowy linen shirts issued a prepared statement Tuesday in which they confirmed that you are loved. “You are a wondrous creature overflowing with vibrancy and life, and you, my child, are…Read more...

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to…Read more...

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Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas revealed through a spokesman that he helped Republican Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), a high ranking member, arrange meetings meant to advance the Ukrainian investigations into the Biden family, which are at the center of the ongoing impeachment investigation. What do you think?Read more...

AKRON, OH—Wondering if it was possibly confusing the man for a different guy with a 10 mm nasal bridge and a right earlobe hanging 0.4 mm lower than his left, a Cognitec FaceVACS-VideoScan Unit #121 facial recognition camera expressed frustration Monday after focusing on a man it knew it had seen before and found…Read more...

With the fourth and final season of Attack on Titan confirmed for 2020, it’s time to celebrate with six incredible fan drawings of Eren Yeager that have nothing whatsoever to do with video games. Check them out below!

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Citing the environmental costs of air travel, Coldplay announced last Thursday that it would skip a world tour for their album Everyday Life in order to take time “to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Dubbing the new head chef of Michelin-starred restaurant The Haymarket as “the new bad boy of fine dining,” luminaries across the world of cooking lauded Andre Castillo Monday for revolutionizing the culinary arts by using only fresh, high-quality ingredients in his dishes. “When he declared that from…Read more...

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