The Onion

MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her…Read more...

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.Read more...

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Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?Read more...

Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice, mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it will no longer promote President Trump’s account on its Discover feature, which highlights content from celebrities and news organizations. What do you think?Read more...

1953-54 Minneapolis Lakers: Capped off three straight championships but were unable to defend their title the following season after George Mikan gave up half the team as known Communists during a Congressional hearing.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York will welcome the American military as saviors,” said senator Tom Cotton…Read more...

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NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn’t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work. “It’s important to stay educated about the issues…Read more...

Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.Read more...

The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic discriminatory practices over the last decade, a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained by state law. What do you think?Read more...

Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims, activists, attorneys, and celebrities to honor the life of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it…Read more...

Sustained protest against the U.S. police system following the killing of Black man George Floyd by a white Minneapolis officer have spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.

SIOUX CITY, IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary, nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday that at least he wouldn’t have to be PC anymore. “Now that I’m a private citizen, I can finally speak my mind without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to offend…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators, NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad’s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality. “What you have to understand is that these tires were not…Read more...

Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.Read more...

Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2% and freezer sales skyrocketed 195% compared to this time a year ago as coronavirus keeps restaurants closed and Americans homebound. What do you think?Read more...

Angered by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump’s false and inflammatory posts this week, Facebook employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging the CEO to take action. What do you think?Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10…Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to fans. “I quote the good Dr. King when I say, ‘Playing a full 17-week…Read more...

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Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport, Iowa have been placed under curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off by the murder of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

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Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview…Read more...

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Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.Read more...

Transit worker unions in both Minneapolis and New York City announced this weekend that they stand in solidarity with protestors and will not allow the police to use buses to carry arrested citizens to jail or drive officers to protest locations. What do you think?Read more...

SHENZHEN, CHINA—Upset about the theft of one of the thousands of garments she had sewn, sweatshop worker Li Chen was devastated to hear Monday that the jacket she worked so hard on was looted. “It breaks my heart that I slaved away for 14 cents an hour in an extremely hot and poorly ventilated factory just to have my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside, President Donald Trump reportedly screamed, “Let them have Eric!” Monday as he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker. “Please, you can take Eric, just leave me alone,” said the commander in chief, shoving his third-born son through…Read more...

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MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases, Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month. “I know everyone’s patience is waning, but 30 additional days of…Read more...

Though he lacks the legal authority to do so, President Trump tweeted on Sunday that he will order the government to label antifa a terrorist group, a move that would face First Amendment challenges in court. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county’s finances and lower spending, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation’s economy. “In order to better oversee our $20 trillion GDP, I’ve signed up for a…Read more...

As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.Read more...

State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.Read more...

CNN launched on June 1, 1980, ushering the era of the 24-hour cable news cycle and significantly shifting the media landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in CNN’s 40-year history.

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Archaeologists working near Verona, Italy have unearthed the foundation of a 3rd century Roman villa containing a pristine mosaic floor filled with complex patterns formed from bright, colorful tiles. What do you think?Read more...