The Onion

ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now…Read more...

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AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you’re allowed to be naked sometimes, but not other times. “Sometimes you have no choice but to wear…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday that she wished someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event. “Ah, geez. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I look like a…Read more...

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough…Read more...

Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.Read more...

Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost

Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?Read more...

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Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now…Read more...

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BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow…Read more...

Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.Read more...

Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest

In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?Read more...

Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp

The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.

WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally…Read more...

Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?Read more...

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me…Read more...

There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.Read more...

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President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...

Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?Read more...

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As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized…Read more...

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With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval…Read more...

CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and…Read more...

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.Read more...

GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?”…Read more...

EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.Read more...

Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a…Read more...

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As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next…Read more...

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