The Onion

OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me…Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…Read more...

Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…Read more...

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.Read more...

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The Supreme Court said Monday it would not review the case of Adnan Syed, the subject of the popular podcast Serial, which covered the 1999 murder of which he was accused. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible atrocity,” said…Read more...

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Standing with survivors of the 1945 U.S. atomic bombings, Pope Francis spoke in Hiroshima and Nagasaki to criticize the use of nuclear weapons and to chide countries for dismantling Cold War-era nuclear arms control agreements. What do you think?Read more...

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EUGENE, OR—A wide smile lighting up their faces as the crow’s feet crinkled around their eyes, the nation’s long-haired old men in flowy linen shirts issued a prepared statement Tuesday in which they confirmed that you are loved. “You are a wondrous creature overflowing with vibrancy and life, and you, my child, are…Read more...

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to…Read more...

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Rudy Giuliani associate Lev Parnas revealed through a spokesman that he helped Republican Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), a high ranking member, arrange meetings meant to advance the Ukrainian investigations into the Biden family, which are at the center of the ongoing impeachment investigation. What do you think?Read more...

AKRON, OH—Wondering if it was possibly confusing the man for a different guy with a 10 mm nasal bridge and a right earlobe hanging 0.4 mm lower than his left, a Cognitec FaceVACS-VideoScan Unit #121 facial recognition camera expressed frustration Monday after focusing on a man it knew it had seen before and found…Read more...

With the fourth and final season of Attack on Titan confirmed for 2020, it’s time to celebrate with six incredible fan drawings of Eren Yeager that have nothing whatsoever to do with video games. Check them out below!

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Citing the environmental costs of air travel, Coldplay announced last Thursday that it would skip a world tour for their album Everyday Life in order to take time “to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Dubbing the new head chef of Michelin-starred restaurant The Haymarket as “the new bad boy of fine dining,” luminaries across the world of cooking lauded Andre Castillo Monday for revolutionizing the culinary arts by using only fresh, high-quality ingredients in his dishes. “When he declared that from…Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that…Read more...

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been charged with bribery, fraud, and breach of trust in connection with three separate cases, threatening his precarious efforts to retain power against political rival Benny Gantz. What do you think?Read more...

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AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could…Read more...

Over the years, the gaming community has been wracked with debates and controversies about the over-sexualization of gaming characters. Of course, many revel in the dubious tradition of parading out characters with outrageous body proportions in scantily clad outfits, dismissing it as nothing but a bit of diverting…Read more...

A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers. What do you think?Read more...

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PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she…Read more...

As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Justifying the expenditure as necessary to preserve the only bastion of democracy in the Middle East, both houses of Congress voted unanimously Thursday to extend $3 billion in emergency military aid to Benjamin Netanyahu to defend himself against the Israeli justice system. “Today, we act decisively in…Read more...

Affirming a central claim of the House Democrat impeachment effort, Republican megadonor and U.S. ambassador Gordon Sondland testified that he acted under President Trump’s direction and with White House official knowledge to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rival. What do you think?Read more...

When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation of this legendary series. So, it’s a huge disappointment to report that instead of sharing a release date for the…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Voluntarily surrendering the remarkable talent that gave her profound insight into the true nature of existence, the only person with the ability to see the world for what it actually is has started taking antidepressants, sources confirmed Thursday. Like a divine seer who blinds herself rather than face…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Responding at last to rumors surrounding the beloved animated character, Frozen 2 co-directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee confirmed Thursday that Elsa is gay but also a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. “We’re excited to finally share with fans that Queen Elsa is indeed Disney’s first lesbian princess…Read more...

Ten Democratic hopefuls took the stage in Atlanta Wednesday night to compete for voter support as the four front-runners—former Vice President Joe Biden, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)—look for a burst of momentum to propel them ahead of their rivals.…Read more...

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Two prison guards have been charged for falsifying records and failing in their duty to check on Jeffrey Epstein every 30 minutes on the night of his death. What do you think?Read more...

It’s been an agonizing wait for Shenmue fans awaiting the continuation of Yu Suzuki’s revolutionary Dreamcast classic. But thanks to thousands of Kickstarter backers, we’re finally getting the sequel we deserve, and it looks like Ys Net is rolling out all the stops to promote it with an awesome tie-in: Thousands of…Read more...

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CINCINNATI—Promising the Alabama Crimson Tide quarterback that nothing would stop them from drafting him, the Bengals assured injury-prone Tua Tagovailoa Wednesday that he could have any of Andy Dalton’s organs. “We consider Tua to be an elite prospect, but if he has any concerns about the NFL next year, he needs to…Read more...

Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?Read more...

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…Read more...