The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team’s chemistry and grit over the dinner table, media mogul Bill Simmons critiqued his wife’s lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better. “You made a great marinara sauce, honey, but it doesn’t quite blend together like Bird, Parish, and…Read more...

Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary, a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili. “Our research indicates that, by far, the most common…Read more...

OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with…Read more...

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WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8-year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and …Read more...

Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his campaign to halt in-person events earlier this year. What do you think?Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology, social media giant Facebook announced Monday the purchase of Oculus VR for an additional $2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014. “We saw an opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space…Read more...

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Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake’s prolonged absence from the public stage, Americans across the nation expressed curiosity Monday about whatever happened to the once-popular singer-songwriter. “God, that guy was huge for a little bit, but I honestly couldn’t even tell you what he looks like any more,” said…Read more...

MANCHESTER, NH—Declaring that the event wasn’t really what they were hoping for, hardcore Donald Trump fans who attended a rally Friday to hear his classic border wall rants told reporters they were frustrated by the boring new Covid-19 stuff. “I appreciate that the president wants to try out some new coronavirus…Read more...

ENCINITAS, CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers, Michael Phelps reportedly breached the ocean’s surface Friday to ask if the coronavirus is still ongoing before returning to the briny depths. “How fares the surface world? Does the pandemic still run…Read more...

BRATSK, RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 years ago, Russian scientists inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika, the dog, emerged from the smoldering ruins. “No, it cannot be. Laika? It’s not possible!”…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly…Read more...

MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic. “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m…Read more...

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This can be a cynical business, gamers, but every once in a while, a story comes along that warms our hearts. Yesterday, Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming …Read more...

OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.Read more...

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs. “Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive…Read more...

Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season could create a “twindemic,” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace, Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that he was being forced to recognize basketball players’ humanity in any way. “I wish they’d stop bringing basic human dignity into sports, so I can enjoy the damn game,” said Wainwright,…Read more...

NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI, Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse’s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most police-state apologists. “When you see us out there waving…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South, Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes. “According to our research, it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere, slam face-first…Read more...

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OXNARD, CA—Offering a return on investment that local woman Alyson Murdoch had reportedly never anticipated, years of listening to her grandpa talk about life in the Dust Bowl paid huge dividends Thursday in an Instagram post honoring his death. “I had to spend years listening to him jabbering on about never knowing…Read more...

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Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.Read more...

Local authorities in the Florida Keys approved a plan for 2021 to release hundreds of millions of mosquitos with a modified gene that causes female offspring to die in the larval stage, in hopes of reducing diseases spread by the insect. What do you think?Read more...

TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity, rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet. “I didn’t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Calling the virus a “wannabe star” that feeds off of the limelight, Fox News announced Wednesday that they had limited their pandemic coverage to avoid giving the Covid-19 the notoriety it craved. “I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—all the novel coronavirus wants is to become a household name, and by…Read more...

DAVENPORT, IA—Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste, the state of Iowa left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Illinois border Wednesday after making way too much. “There’s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves,” Iowa said in a note…Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Leaving her bags of fabric and buttons in the trunk of her car until later to avoid raising suspicion, local hobbyist Karen Berger lied outright to her boyfriend Wednesday by telling him she had been getting groceries in order to cover up her fourth visit to the craft store this week. “Sorry I was gone for…Read more...

As people spend more time online and social media becomes more monetizable, successful social media influencers can make millions of dollars a year, but finding success can be difficult. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to becoming a social media influencer.

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Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.Read more...

EL PASO, TX—Maintaining that “you kind of had to be there” to really get the gist of his grisly series of murders, local killer James Greiner told reporters Wednesday that the premeditated triple homicide he committed had been taken completely out of context. “As someone who was actually the one shooting and stabbing…Read more...

The Girl Scouts announced they are introducing a new cookie called a “Toast-Yay!” for 2021, which is shaped like bread and flavored like French toast. What do you think?Read more...

YONKERS, NY—Expressing his excitement that the demonstration was occurring nearby, local man Ted Shriver was reportedly thrilled Tuesday after a Black Lives Matter protest march passed close enough to his apartment for him to claim he participated in it. “This is great, I can look out my window and pump my fists in…Read more...

PASCO, WA—Stressing that the whole thing would probably be kind of cool, a new report released Tuesday confirmed that seeing a llama would be a fun change of pace. “All of our data indicates that catching sight of a llama would be a gratifying turn of events,” read the report in part, explaining that viewing the…Read more...

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YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills, pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat, Muffin, killed four children and a teacher and…Read more...

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