The Onion

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately.Read more...

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian…Read more...

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OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?Read more...

Hey, gamers, we know you’re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews, but right now, we’re kind of in the middle of something serious: Ganondorf is on the other end of the line, and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital.

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Juan Carlos, the former king of Spain, announced via a letter to his son King Felipe VI on Monday that he has gone into exile just weeks after the country’s Supreme Court opened an investigation into his involvement with a high-speed rail contract with Saudi Arabia. What do you think?Read more...

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The U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Monday that all efforts to collect responses will end on September 30, a month earlier than previously announced despite the fact that only 63% of Americans have been counted. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Expressing frustration that neither presidential candidate had requested consent to use his smash solo hit from 1984, Eagles vocalist Don Henley filed suit Wednesday against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden’s campaigns for not playing “The Boys Of Summer” at their events. “Fans tipped us off to the fact that…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic, D.C. journalists confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of Swan being able to speak to Donald Trump without succumbing to his raw…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race, increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of Americans’ fear of dentists. “We’re repositioning to make sure voters know that elitists Dems want to expand healthcare…Read more...

Arctic sea ice reached a record low in July as temperatures hit 100 degrees above the Arctic circle, increasing discussions about potential ways to prevent environmental degradation. The Onion takes a look at how to save the world’s melting sea ice:

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “In the…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the deadly winds and torrential rain a “totally preventable” tropical storm, critics slammed the National Weather Service Wednesday after new evidence showed they failed to stop a recent hurricane despite having advanced warning. “It’s clear they’d been monitoring the cloud formation swirling…Read more...

Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.Read more...

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The FDA has updated a list of more than 100 hand sanitizers that they believe should be recalled, either because they do not contain enough alcohol to work properly or because they are tainted with methanol which can be toxic if absorbed through the skin. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple, run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up. “A Category 1 storm hitting…Read more...

17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high profile accounts as part of a bitcoin scheme that netted over $100,000 before the site shut it down. What do you think?Read more...

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This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals, but today, we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before. You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative, third-person shooter gameplay split between…Read more...

KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges…Read more...

Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday, the first water landing by American astronauts in 45 years. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president’s death, FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered the plot where JFK was buried. “After significant digging, we unearthed the entirety of the plot, which we believe dated back as early as 1963,” said FBI director Christopher…Read more...

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The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter’s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “almost unrecognizable,” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body. “Wow, when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data. “Good luck calling for help now,” said DeSantis, grinning through a window as a…Read more...

Researchers using 3D microscopy say they have discovered that sperm do not oscillate back and forth but rather corkscrew through the water “like playful otters,” challenging assumptions about how sperm moves that date back to the invention of the compound microscope in 1677. What do you think?Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined, local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day at Disney World quite a bit more. “I used to get frustrated by little…Read more...

PELHAM, MA—Declaring he was absolutely sure he would have stood for progressive values, local man Eugene Leigh told reporters Monday that he was confident he would’ve been against slavery if he was alive during the 1960s. “Hindsight is 20/20, obviously, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve been out there opposing slavery…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez’s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive. “Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the Latin American nation a perfect model of election integrity, officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security praised Bolivian leaders Monday for eliminating voter fraud through their refusal to hold general elections. “By repeatedly postponing the date of its presidential election,…Read more...

Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.Read more...

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NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game. Sources confirmed that minutes before their…Read more...

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Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 CMA awards, saying he has already won seven times and it’s time for him to step aside so a younger generation can take the prize. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn, former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration’s drone use policy. “Hey, this is a complete ambush…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class…Read more...

A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election.Read more...

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IOWA CITY, IA—Deriding the work’s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable, local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden Friday, arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps. “Naturally, I was impressed the…Read more...