The Onion

ULTRA-TOPEKA, KS—Holding his hand over the USB port implanted below his left ear, local Luddite Thomas Berkshire reportedly refused to merge consciousness Tuesday with his new self-driving 2070 Hyundai Elantra. “Uh oh, big scary technology is gonna steal Thomas’s very essence if he plugs in his brain stem to the car’s…Read more...

GLEN FALLS, NY—Revealing that her lousy peers’ advice had been invaluable, aspiring novelist Alicia Duncan confirmed Tuesday that the writer’s retreat she’s attending provides a great opportunity to receive critical feedback from other nobodies. “It’s been incredible to spend the week getting diverse perspectives on…Read more...

When Stephen Hawking passed away almost three years ago, he left behind a legacy of revolutionary thinking in astrophysics and a life story that would inspire pretty much anyone. But according to a recent statement from the Stephen Hawking Foundation, there’s one way the genius’s legacy was also sadly incomplete: He…Read more...

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In an attempt to offer debate viewers a more robust field of options, eight Democratic candidates joined Senator Cory Booker in asking the Democratic National Committee to ease qualification requirements for upcoming presidential debates from which he and other candidates would be excluded. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—His hands shaking a bit as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, director Clint Eastwood reportedly propositioned Susan Parker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Monday, offering to sleep with the critic in exchange for a more favorable review of his latest film, Richard Jewell. “Just sweeten it up a little, make…Read more...

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Making the momentous announcement before gathered laity and priests from the Tibetan Buddhist community, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, revealed Monday that before reincarnating his spirit would fly to the moon so he can hang out there for a bit. “After my passing, I plan for my essence to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Appearing distraught over what he described as a lack of appreciation for his many contributions, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein lamented to reporters Monday that no one seemed to respect everything he did to put the whole #MeToo movement on the map. “Think about it—they’d be absolutely nowhere if…Read more...

United Nations climate talks ended early Sunday in Madrid with modest agreement that fell far short of the commitments and enforcement mechanisms needed to forestall the worst effects of climate change, raising the stakes for next year’s crucial conference in Glasgow. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Saying that He would only be gone for an hour or two, the Divine Creator of the Universe, God, announced Monday that he was leaving humanity in the hands of babysitter Kayla Beckler while he checks out a new restaurant. “Kayla has my number in case anything happens, but I’m sure she’ll take good care of…Read more...

After two absolutely stellar remakes of the Resident Evil franchise, Capcom just announced they plan to gratify the series fans with an updated, remastered edition of Resident Evil 3. Here’s everything you need to know about the upcoming survival horror release.Read more...

NEW ORLEANS—Worried that he would be forced to feign a smile and halfheartedly thank everyone, Saints quarterback Drew Brees told reporters Monday night he hopes his family doesn’t just get him a football for Christmas again. “I appreciate the thought, but nobody seems to realize that I have other interests beyond…Read more...

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BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets…Read more...

Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’Read more...

In a move likely to infuriate the Turkish government, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution led by Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Bob Menendez (D-NJ) recognizing the Armenian Genocide that began more than a century ago, with Cruz stating that the resolution was “an achievement for truth, an achievement for speaking the truth…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Extending an olive branch to fans who stopped following the game in the 1990s, the Chicago Cubs reportedly signed right fielder Sammy Sosa to a 12-year, $300 million contract Friday. “We’re excited to give casual fans a recognizable name that they can cling to,” said general manager Jed Hoyer in reference to…Read more...

BOSTON—Speaking in hushed tones lest their word be overheard by the wrong person, sources confirmed Friday that people talk, you know, and that word gets around much quicker than you might imagine. “You’re smart enough to know this, but you should be very, very careful who you’re spilling your secrets to,” said…Read more...

With the nation’s approach to Brexit on the ballot, voters turned out for the 2019 U.K. general election to power Prime Minister Boris Johnson to a historic victory over Jeremy Corbyn, dealing the Labour Party one of its largest blows since the era of Margaret Thatcher and all but guaranteeing an exit from the…Read more...

CLEVELAND—In a stunning revelation that upended all expectations about her disposition, sources confirmed Friday that 34-year-old Katie Lorenz was not nearly as jovial or lighthearted as the pom-pom on her winter hat would appear to suggest. “When I first saw that fuzzy round tuft sprouting from her hat, I got really…Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Defending the video as absolutely necessary for the wide receiver to secure at least a ‘B’ from Massasoit Community College, Patriots officials claimed Friday that their unsanctioned recording of the Bengals sideline last week was only for a project Julian Edelman was working on for a film class.…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Prancing into the office like he didn’t just drink eight beers and something called the “Santa’s special” the very night before, sources confirmed Friday that their hungover coworker Justin Davis was a little too functional the morning after their company’s holiday party not to be an alcoholic. “Just…Read more...

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TOKYO—Finding themselves caught in a grisly tangle of wrecked vehicles and reeking with the unmistakable odor of burning fur, Tokyo commuters were stuck in traffic for as long as three hours Friday when a 12-legged catbus overturned at high speed on the KK Expressway, a main route into the city’s busy downtown…Read more...

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After both Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and challenger Benny Gantz failed to form an Israeli government, the deeply polarized country will return to the polls for a record third time in less than a year. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Emphasizing that despite recent setbacks, he had another level of trauma to reach in his career, Gordon Hayward told reporters Thursday that he’s confident he still has his most gruesome injuries ahead of him. “I shattered my leg and broke my hand, but there’s still so many more gut-wrenching tears and…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Explaining that they would rather not have their quaint, wholesome community corrupted by the wrong elements, residents of Las Vegas told reporters Thursday that they were worried the proposed construction of a new casino in town would bring in riff-raff. “I love being able to walk down the strip and feel…Read more...

A new Emerson poll found President Trump besting all Democratic challengers in a head-to-head matchup, with Mayor Pete Buttigieg faring best as he trailed by 1%, ahead of former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

ZION NATIONAL PARK, UT—In a harrowing tale of survival in the American southwest, hiker Bethany Gaines told reporters Thursday how she cut off her own ponytail after being trapped for days beneath a fallen boulder. “I was making my way through the slot canyons when a huge rock pinned me by the hair and I knew I was in…Read more...

KANSAS CITY—Stopping to take stock of himself and actually enjoy the fresh air, area man Michael Perez relaxed his overwhelming sense of anxiety for just a moment Thursday, giving a pack of coyotes the opening they had long been waiting for. According to sources, Perez had gone on the hike to blow off steam and…Read more...

Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Laughing demonically as the small, orange puppet’s body began to gyrate uncontrollably, producers from the television show Sesame Street completed a ritual Thursday to imprison a damned soul in the body of their newest character, a puppet named Maple. “Autom nyyageth rah-uh, ny-a-ar jaruh su-uh, cht-eh-eff…Read more...

In an effort to cut down on the tens of thousands of birds who fly into the city’s buildings every year, New York City lawmakers plan to adopt legislation requiring “bird-friendly” glass on all new construction. What do you think?Read more...

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Gamers, it’s time to pay our respects.Read more...

NEW YORK—Straining their eyes from the opposite wall of the gallery, the nation finally stood far enough away from one of Jackson Pollock’s artworks to realize it is actually a realistic still life painting of fruit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We thought it was just a bunch of different colors splattered across the…Read more...

In a nod to the rise of the gender-neutral pronoun’s use in American culture, Merriam-Webster announced “they” as their 2019 word of the year. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really…Read more...

House Democrats revealed two articles of impeachment against President Trump, alleging that he abused the power of his office and obstructed Congress in its investigation of his attempts to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rivals. What do you think?Read more...

NEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate activist Elisa Garcia-Reilly wasn’t in an abandoned school bailing water and shooting enemy foragers. “Instead of constantly…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Calling the years of the whirlwind romance amongst the greatest of His life, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God recounted Wednesday the torrid affair with 16th-century Italian artist Michelangelo that began when He posed for the Sistine Chapel fresco The Creation Of Adam. “At first, we agreed to…Read more...

ANSBACH, MITTELFRANKEN—Expressing pride at all she had accomplished before even glimpsing the noonday sun, 127-year-old town hag Maelga Vitterbach admitted Wednesday that she was getting in a pretty good day of shaking a jangly bell-covered stick while pointing and screaming “You will die.” “Some days, it can be hard…Read more...

Behold, gamers, for we have some glorious news for you! Cast your eyes upon the resplendent image of your new Lord and rejoice, for the One that the sacred texts predicted—the One who will bring together all of the warring gamer tribes and lead us to victory—has been born.Read more...

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A new trove of documents and interviews with Bush and Obama officials found the American people were systematically misled about the war in Afghanistan, with generals and top diplomats describing a chaotic effort without a clear strategy that was knowingly spun to the public to provide a rosier outlook. What do you…Read more...

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The Justice Department’s inspector issued a report finding no evidence that bias affected how the FBI investigated Russian interference into the 2016 election, although it pointedly criticized the agency’s handling of a wiretap application. What do you think?Read more...