The Onion

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of…Read more...

Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.Read more...

American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an effort to reduce the amount of time passengers spend with their masks off, but that the ban does not apply to people in first class. What do you think?Read more...

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “smarter than the average bear” as they gathered around the cartoon character, heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy. “We will lay down our lives to protect this…Read more...

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year’s Free Slurpee Day, scheduled for July 11, due to “uncertainties associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.” What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny, William Howard Taft historian B.R. Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation’s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft. “America is fractured, but I’m sure that a balm to…Read more...

BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new…Read more...

CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these…Read more...

PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering…Read more...

The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?Read more...

NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant…Read more...

The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of…Read more...

Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.Read more...

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BOCA RATON, FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario, fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy. “This is the greatest challenge I’ve…Read more...

NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat, Weight Watchers debuted a new television advertisement Tuesday that asks if you recall Grandma saying “My, someone got heavy!” in front of the whole family. “Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and, as soon as she saw you,…Read more...

According to a forthcoming book, the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement was renegotiated to include a proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron, so he could one day work for the Trump Organization in Europe. What do you think?Read more...

Lo and behold, gamers! With the announcement of the Playstation 5’s launch lineup late last week, the next generation is finally upon us. Here are some of the titles we’re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics, pulse-pounding gameplay, and all-out…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making…Read more...

SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase, 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console. “Let’s see, it looks like I’ll have to set aside—ouch—about $15 extra every paycheck,” said Miller,…Read more...

New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks ago, which health experts say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders. What do you think?Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are…Read more...

SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide, Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “Other Faces You Might Be Interested In” feature. “We have chosen to place a one-year…Read more...

Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was a covert CIA agent in order to defraud contractors of nearly $4 million, at one point claiming a foreign government had poisoned him with ricin. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of…Read more...

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep,…Read more...

Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.Read more...

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The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the…Read more...

In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned…Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him,…Read more...

Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64, the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time. And while there hasn’t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years, Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck, because we’ve found just the thing—this man…Read more...

Hi! I used to be part of a slideshow called “REWIND! 10 Board Games That Take Us Back To The ’80s.” I’m quite friendly and I really love to be around other slides. Adopt me today!Read more...

BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy…Read more...

GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up…Read more...

NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form,…Read more...

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Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.Read more...

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this…Read more...

Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up…Read more...

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