The Onion

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even…Read more...

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…Read more...

This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.Read more...

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The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s…Read more...

With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus, Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 museums and cultural attractions from around the globe, including the Guggenheim in New York, the Palace of Versaille, Machu Picchu, and the Tokyo National Museum. What do you think?Read more...

But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?Read more...

Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly, poor, overweight or disabled in an effort to artificially limit their audiences. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell,…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was…Read more...

In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is…Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep, powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area’s countless deserted storefronts, thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors. “After just a week of human isolation, this once-dying…Read more...

Well gamers, it looks like Sony’s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5’s specs did not disappoint. Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output, but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your…Read more...

Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new orders as customers shift their shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.Read more...

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Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots, though it is rumored he plans to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?Read more...

Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by announcing the U.S. would also expel American journalists. “Effective immediately, all reporters must leave the country—we’re not going to let China outdo us on this one,” said Trump, who issued…Read more...

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Uh, hello? Adorable much?Read more...

As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs of the coronavirus’ spread, the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration, which has been criticized for its crisis response. The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump…Read more...

NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters, including Invisible Man and Emma, will be available for rent online, and Trolls World Tour, which was set to come out Easter weekend, will be available on-demand March 10th. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be…Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that…Read more...

The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded…Read more...

“Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?Read more...

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Today is St. Patrick’s Day, though many Americans will not celebrate with the usual parades, bar crawls and get-togethers as nonessential business grinds to a halt in an effort to curb the transmission of Covid-19. How are you celebrating?Read more...

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Awesome news, sports gamers! It’s time for the latest installment in SIE San Diego Studio’s baseball series that is beloved for its attention to detail, and this one looks like a real doozy! A recent announcement from developers revealed that every baseball game in the upcoming MLB The Show 20 will feature a…Read more...

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CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks, area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not, at that very moment, desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death. “This whole thing’s…Read more...

As schools, stores, and restaurants close their doors and companies push to have employees work from home, Americans are being asked to socially distance themselves to stop the exponential spread of coronavirus. What are you doing to help #FlattenTheCurve?Read more...

The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.Read more...

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders took the stage last night in the first one-on-one debate of the Democratic presidential primary, though due to coronavirus concerns there was no live audience and the podiums were kept six feet apart. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining. “We are actively mobilizing our top…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a…Read more...

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This one takes a while, but it’s worth it. Try crossing your eyes and balling your fists really tight. Now stare at the image and allow your vision to get hazy. Vomit three times. See the wild stallion galloping through a river gulch?Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Admitting that it was about time she put herself out there and love again, divorced mom Kathy Leahy told reporters Friday she was finally at the point in her life where she figured she might as well start writing erotic letters to men in prison. “Well, I’d been single for a while, so the timing just felt…Read more...

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Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has signed on to wrestle part-time for the WWE, with plans to make appearances on Smackdown and Wrestle Mania 36 ahead of an actual match later this year. What do you think?Read more...

What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health. “For all of you out there who are worried about…Read more...