The Onion

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure…Read more...

Read more...

Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one…Read more...

With February’s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching, a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa and New Hampshire voters are settled on a Democratic candidate, leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open in the leadup to the election. What do you think?Read more...

NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family. “I heard a clatter in the alleyway, so I circled around and found him rooting around in my…Read more...

Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Constantly evading frustrated domain hosts’ attempts to trap and remove the pest, many of the nation’s websites began crashing Friday after a mouse got into the internet. “We don’t know where exactly he is, but we know that little bastard is in there somewhere chewing through lines of code, so let us know…Read more...

Read more...

GREENSBORO, NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way, emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done. “Oh, looks like the fire department already used the Jaws…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed…Read more...

Read more...

GLENDIVE, MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate’s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own, local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick, 29, felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris, one of the most popular kids in his high school class, had bottomed…Read more...

Read more...

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After the pair turned down a social gathering for the third time that month, close friends of Dawn and Kevin Edmund confirmed Wednesday that the couple had really stopped being fun after having their kids die. “They never want to go out anymore; it’s always ‘We have family therapy’ or ‘Dawn can’t get…Read more...

Read more...

PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder, idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to Paris made utter fools of themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most beautiful examples of architecture in human history. “Check out these dopes goggling at…Read more...

Read more...

PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average…Read more...

Read more...

TOMS RIVER, NJ—Admitting that it was “a big step down” for a refined product such as itself to take the job in the first place, an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed to be working with low-class ingredients on loaded fries. “For years, I’ve been considered a delicacy, and now they…Read more...

OCEAN CITY, MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty, local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious, creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans. “It says they are ‘slow-roasted’ and…Read more...

Read more...

GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase…Read more...

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole, the nation’s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is, in fact, slightly worse than it was yesterday. “While there are by…Read more...

The last 10 years have been a period of dramatic evolution in video games. From revolutions in interactive storytelling (remember a time when “walking simulator” and “Souls” weren’t genres?) to significant progress in game creation inclusivity, what defined gaming has mutated into something stranger, more expansive,…Read more...

A spiritual successor to NPR’s breakout Serial, S-Town proved that you didn’t need journalistic integrity, morals, facts, or even any sort of coherent story to craft a moderately received podcast.Read more...

This album was so good. Oh, wait, are we thinking of Sleep Well Beast? Or was that the other one? Was that the one with “Bloodbuzz Ohio”? We like that one more. Maybe that’s the one we’re thinking of. Did that other one we like more come out in 2010? No, this is the one we like. We think.Read more...

Read more...

MERCER, PA—Retreating to his room after yet another screaming argument, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly spoiled his family’s Christmas gathering for the 31st year in a row Wednesday by continually interrupting relatives to tell them their religion was total bullshit.. “It’s the same thing every year:…Read more...

A revealing documentary series exploring the occult, esoteric British subculture of preparing food with dry heat, otherwise known as baking.Read more...

Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Admitting they were sorting through their heartbreak weeks after the tragedy, members of Sarpino family struggled to get through their first Christmas since their father returned, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Honestly, we’ve tried to just soldier through and enjoy what we can of baking cookies and…Read more...

Proved that working for a long time on something is basically the same as it being good.Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.Read more...

Featuring a narrowed field of only seven candidates, Democratic frontrunners Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Pete Buttigieg took the stage last night alongside other candidates to provide viewers with further insight into their campaigns for presidency in the last debate of the year. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Explaining their intense, overwhelming desire for more film, TV, or merchandise involving the beloved Dr. Seuss character, an antsy, jonesing nation issued demands Friday for new Grinch content. “It’s been almost an entire year since we’ve seen our favorite green Christmas curmudgeon brought to life on the…Read more...

Read more...

HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the…Read more...

Listen up, Nintendo fanboys, because do we have news for you! Do you own a Switch and have an Amazon Prime subscription? You do? Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Overcome with despair after realizing he’d never again see the franchise’s beloved characters, local Rise Of Skywalker fan Tim Abrams told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe there wasn’t ever going to be another Star Wars movie. “What a bummer—no more lightsabers, no more force, no more toys, no…Read more...