The Onion

LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year-old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick…Read more...

A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would…Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other teams’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an…Read more...

APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?”…Read more...

Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.Read more...

Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features and a “potato head,” with many likening the incident to “Monkey Christ,” a botched repainting that gained international attention in 2012. What do you think?Read more...

Prepare yourself, Microsoft fans, the release of the Xbox Series X is finally here! Click on to see the must-have launch titles for the latest for your newest favorite console.

A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate, while lawyers for the pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she is afraid of him. What do you think?Read more...

BUTLER, NJ—Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths, Robbie, the little brother of local man Brian Feehan’s girlfriend asked the interloper ‘Do you play?’ Thursday while grandly gesturing to the ping-pong table behind them. “Are you familiar with the grand game? Perhaps we could measure ourselves man against…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future…Read more...

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As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.Read more...

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Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.Read more...

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The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the…Read more...

The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving, urging Americans to stay home and avoid indoor get-togethers as small household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law…Read more...

NEW YORK—Following this week’s news that the immunization may be 90% effective in preventing Covid-19, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector’s edition limited to 2,000 doses. “Pfizer is proud to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation’s already-damaged emotional health, officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame. “To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving, please, consider how easy…Read more...

The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency, but the process hasn’t always gone smoothly. The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions.

SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate, Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees. Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled…Read more...

WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on,…Read more...

On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.Read more...

The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?Read more...

McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation…Read more...

PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a…Read more...

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Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.Read more...

A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed Monday. “My friend and I went to Yosemite once, and this big black…Read more...

President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a plan to fight the pandemic when he takes office in January. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit…Read more...

Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and…Read more...