The Onion

Billionaire former hedge fund executive Tom Steyer, who spent over $260 million of his own money on his presidential bid, has dropped out of the race after taking third place in the South Carolina primary on Saturday. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Offering fresh insight into how the nation consumes media, a report from Emerson College revealed Monday that more Americans are opting to cut the cord on cable television by building and launching their own satellite into orbit. “Our research has found that an increasing number of Americans are looking for…Read more...

Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.Read more...

CHICAGO—Realizing that dramatic overcompensation was the best way to lift the tension, claims adjuster Ben Carroll committed to being excessively nice for the next 45 minutes to his friend, Thomas Ball, whom he had just snapped at. “The only way to fix this is to laugh at his jokes—which are never funny, by the…Read more...

COLD SPRING HARBOR, NY—Recoiling in disgust while recalling the upsetting incident, a eukaryotic cell confirmed Monday that it had been severely traumatized upon accidentally witnessing its parent cell divide and replicate itself through a process of mitosis. “God, it was so gross—all the organelles were just hanging…Read more...

TOLEDO, OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook, depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son’s new haircut. “I knew something was wrong when she didn’t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look,” said Nick…Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive…Read more...

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According to the Federal Trade Commission, Americans were scammed out of $201 million in online dating schemes last year, a 40% increase from 2018, with the average victim losing $2,600 and victims over 70 losing closer to $10,000. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that many Americans would be caught completely off guard, researchers at the University of Iowa released an alarming study Friday revealing that the majority of U.S. citizens are not prepared for when the sun engulfs the Earth in 7.5 billion years. “We polled thousands of people across all…Read more...

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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night’s sleep, area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD, a salt lamp, an oil diffuser, an acupressure mat, bath bombs, and a white noise machine had previously…Read more...

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In an effort to quell cancellation rumors amidst coronavirus concerns, the International Olympic Committee announced Friday the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo would go on as planned because true athletes always challenge themselves, welcoming every obstacle they counter. “At its core, being an…Read more...

This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Acknowledging his frustration about his overprotective parent, area man Mark Folta told reporters Friday that he couldn’t even go to Wuhan to eat bats anymore without his mom completely freaking out. “I’ve tried to explain to her that this is something I have done dozens upon dozens of times before…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Stunning scouts as he effortlessly cleared out years’ worth of troubling posts while barely breaking a sweat, top NFL draft prospect T.J. DeLuca set a combine record Friday by scrubbing his entire social media presence in 17.64 seconds. “I’ve never seen anything like this, everything from his thoughts on…Read more...

Marine Corps Commandant Gen. David Berger has ordered that Confederate pharenphanlia be removed from all Marine installations worldwide, a move that comes at a time when 36% of active-duty service members say they have witnessed examples of white nationalism and other racist ideology within their ranks. What do you…Read more...

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Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.Read more...

GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I…Read more...

The Scottish Parliament approved legislation Tuesday to provide free tampons and pads in public spaces, a move which activists and lawmakers say will promote gender equality and reduce the financial burden of purchasing period products, which are taxed as luxury goods in many countries. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”Read more...

Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova, 32, is retiring after a 19-year career that included five Grand Slam titles, a silver Olympic medal and four years ranked as the Women’s Tennis Association’s number-one player. What do you think?Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete, the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around. “We want the fans to know we are serious about winning, and if we’re going to bring this…Read more...

CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I…Read more...

ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this…Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control is warning Americans to prepare for potential coronavirus outbreaks across the country, urging people to take “social distancing measures” such as closing schools and staying home from work in order to avoid spreading the virus that has infected 80,000 people and caused 2,600 deaths…Read more...

Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons. Whether it’s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud’s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII, there’s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game’s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies. Here, then, are the greatest video…Read more...

It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?Read more...

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The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to the #MeToo movement to hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women. The Onion looks at the most significant effects of the #MeToo movement.Read more...

TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own. “I recently got tested and can officially…Read more...

Hank Azaria, who has played dozens of Simpsons’ characters over the show’s 30-year history, announced that he will no longer voice Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, saying outcry from critics who feel the Indian immigrant is a bigoted stereotype opened his eyes to the issue. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Rolling down his window to circulate fresh air through the interior of the emergency vehicle, ambulance driver John Hendricks became visibly enraged Wednesday when a patient he was transporting vomited without warning. “You have to be kidding me, dude, you can’t do that in here,” said Hendricks, sliding the…Read more...

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ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career.Read more...

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KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply hiding inside a nearby clothing rack. “At last I’ve cast off my burden!…Read more...

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Netflix is introducing a new feature to its homepage this week listing the top 10 most-viewed shows and movies within the user’s country, which the company says will provide subscribers with information on what other people are actually watching. What do you think?Read more...

The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.Read more...

EUCLID, OH—After digging up its meal from a patch of ground in Memorial Park on Tuesday, an idiotic squirrel with an acorn in its mouth reportedly ran away and tried to hide from local 48-year-old Edward Trotter, as if the man weren’t already able to eat as many nuts as he wants to. “Look, buddy, I’m not going to take…Read more...

Disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein, whose behavior ignited the #MeToo movement in 2017 after over 100 women came forward to accuse him of rape, sexual assault, and harassment, was found guilty of two felony sex crimes in New York, though his lawyers say they plan to appeal the decision. What do you think?Read more...

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GASTONIA, NC—Saying the erotic romance novel had always been open to individual interpretation, reform Fifty Shades Of Grey reader Pamela Boyd divulged Tuesday that she does not think Christian and Ana literally indulged in bladder control fetish play, but that she derives meaning from the story nonetheless. “Just…Read more...

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