The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting that it was tough sometimes to find a man who shared her crude, unfiltered sense of humor, local 29-year-old Stephanie Burton told reporters Tuesday she just wanted to date a guy who could make her laugh, like Cartman. “For me, I’ve been in relationships with a lot of different guys, but at the…Read more...

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CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God Tuesday to give her strength to incorporate forced hysterectomies into her…Read more...

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Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.Read more...

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Herpetologists at the St. Louis Zoo say a 62-year-old ball python has laid a clutch of eggs that are expected to hatch next month, despite the fact that the snake has not been near a male in at least 15 years. What do you think?Read more...

Authorities say a group of killer whales have been surrounding and then ramming sailboats along the Spanish coast, often damaging the vessels in violent encounters that scientists are calling both concerning and abnormal. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast, the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts. “Goddamnit, just yesterday I was…Read more...

YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something…Read more...

Oh boy, gamers, Microsoft is not gonna be happy about this one! After last week’s $499 price reveal of the upcoming Xbox Series X, Playstation struck back, printing billions in counterfeit bills and flooding the market to cause hyperinflation, making the American dollar completely worthless.Read more...

AKRON, OH—Stressing that continuing to watch the animated television series would be worth it in the long run, local man Collin North reportedly assured his friend Brice Mitchell Monday that he just had to stick with The Flintstones through the J.L. Gotrocks arc. “I get it, the whole mistaken-identity thing isn’t…Read more...

NEW YORK—Deciding that it wouldn’t be right to try to capture video of another human being in his final moments, NYPD police officer Tom Sloane reportedly shut off his body camera early Monday morning out of respect for his dying victim. “This man is bleeding and gasping for breath, and so it just feels kind of morbid…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook, the nation’s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding hackers say it again in English. “We’re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a second that we don’t have a master’s in programming from M.I.T. and repeat back…Read more...

While the coronavirus pandemic has caused delays in television production, dozens of new and returning shows are coming to viewers’ TV screens and streaming services this fall. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of the fall.

The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.Read more...

The Social Security Administration’s annual index of popular baby names reveals the name ‘Keanu’ surged 177 spots to the rank of 630th, likely due to the career comeback of Matrix and John Wick star Keanu Reeves. What do you think?Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Asking for patience so the team has time to develop and cohere, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase warned Sunday that fans should not overreact too much to the first 60 years of the franchise. “I know that we got to a slow start in the first six decades, but it takes time to build a winning culture,”…Read more...

ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star’s incredible postseason production, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team’s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus. “According to our analytics model, the only…Read more...

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ARCADIA, WI—Saying they took comfort in the knowledge that things were unlikely to get any worse, residents of a small town in western Wisconsin expressed relief Friday that all of their beloved local businesses had been forced to close down long before Covid-19 struck. “I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be…Read more...

CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester, Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates. “If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes, simply…Read more...

Boy oh boy, gamers, we’re just living life out here, really just vibing with the scene tonight, so you’ve got to take what we’re about to say with a grain of salt. Obviously, this might just be the Sambuca talking, but Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is an energetic spin on the battle royale genre that everyone should…Read more...

Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Feigning surprise as she unwrapped the massive art installation, Ai Weiwei’s niece Zhang Jing was reportedly annoyed Friday that her uncle had again tried to pass off one of his massive used bicycle sculptures as a birthday present. “What the hell am I supposed to do with hundreds of bicycles welded…Read more...

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Less than a day after announcing a ban on trick-or-treating, the L.A. County Department of Public Health walked back their decision, issuing revised guidelines stating that most Halloween-related activities were “not recommended” due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

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Tennis star Novak Djokovic, currently the top-ranked player in men’s singles tennis, was disqualified from the U.S. Open on Sunday for unsportsmanlike conduct after he accidentally struck a line judge in the neck while hitting the ball in frustration. What do you think?Read more...

ANTELOPE COUNTY, NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn’t say no if such an occurrence ever took place, paleontologist Rich O’Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn’t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once. “Obviously it’s not the focus of the job, but I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t…Read more...

Talk about some incredible Sims cosplay, gamers: This guy pissed himself and immediately started crying about it.

ATLANTA—Claiming that the health risks from the novel coronavirus were relatively minor, public health experts announced Wednesday that, given proper precautions, it was safe for students to return to those weird little private schools where they have class in a barn. “Our research has indicated that the school year…Read more...

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Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.Read more...

GLIESE 581 G—Noting that their lack of response to interstellar radio messages seemed pretty obvious, aliens pointedly avoiding METI transmissions confirmed Wednesday that they really thought Earth’s scientists would’ve taken the hint by now. “Sheesh, they’ve been at this for decades and haven’t heard a single thing…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship, the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall. “We’ve got a great crop of go-getters this year, and we can’t wait to see what they bring to the table of My…Read more...

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Yesterday was Labor Day, a day intended to honor the American labor movement and recognize the contributions of laborers. What did you do?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “downward spiral” was getting pretty old at this point, the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn’t gripped by something. “Man, I’m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow, but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little…Read more...

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CLAY, NY—In an automated email reportedly delivered to local woman Emma Davies’ inbox Tuesday, Equifax assured her that a recent drop in her credit score was unrelated to anything. “While your credit score is significantly lower now, we just want to you to keep in mind that you had absolutely no control over it,” read…Read more...