The Onion

LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a…Read more...

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This one takes a while, but it’s worth it. Try crossing your eyes and balling your fists really tight. Now stare at the image and allow your vision to get hazy. Vomit three times. See the wild stallion galloping through a river gulch?Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Admitting that it was about time she put herself out there and love again, divorced mom Kathy Leahy told reporters Friday she was finally at the point in her life where she figured she might as well start writing erotic letters to men in prison. “Well, I’d been single for a while, so the timing just felt…Read more...

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Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has signed on to wrestle part-time for the WWE, with plans to make appearances on Smackdown and Wrestle Mania 36 ahead of an actual match later this year. What do you think?Read more...

What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health. “For all of you out there who are worried about…Read more...

As coronavirus continues to spread, the NBA, NHL and NCAA called off the rest of their respective seasons, including the March Madness Division I Basketball Tournament, while the MLB halted spring training. What do you think?Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—In preparation for what could potentially be weeks of isolation ahead, movie theaters across the country were packed with frenzied crowds trying to catch a last-minute screening of Sonic The Hedgehog before Covid-19 hits their communities, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh Geez, the lines are so long—why didn’t…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Warning that the nation was unprepared to deal with the fallout of the global pandemic, researchers from Johns Hopkins University told reporters Friday they worried that Covid-19 would overwhelm America’s GoFundMe system. “GoFundMe is the bedrock of the American healthcare system, and as the number of…Read more...

After proving its mettle as one of the first Souls-like series to live up to its inspiration, Nioh 2 hit the market this week to drag gamers through an ass-kicking action game tour of feudal Japan. Here’s everything you need to know to get started.Read more...

As the coronavirus spreads through the United States, organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how to cope with the effects of Covid-19’s spread on employees, consumers, and business partners. The Onion takes a look at how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus…Read more...

PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor, guests reportedly spit mouthfuls of tuna into buckets Friday at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room. “Mmm, strong fishy bouquet with this one, medium-bodied, and it finishes with some notes of salt,” said tourist…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Insisting that this was an abundance of caution around the coronavirus and absolutely nothing else, the players and staff of the Baltimore Orioles suggested to the MLB Friday that they should consider just canceling the entire season to be safe. “We just think that given the risk there is really no reason…Read more...

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Bob Iger confirmed that Song Of The South, a 1946 live-action/animated musical criticized for promoting racist stereotypes and glorifying life on Reconstruction-era plantations, will not appear on the company’s streaming service. What do you think?Read more...

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The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.Read more...

On the heels of the World Health Organization declaring coronavirus a pandemic, the Dow Jones dropped 20% from its 11-year high earlier this year and officially tipped into a bear market. What do you think?Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold onto their fucking seats, because this bitch hasn’t even thought about starting yet. “We’ve been getting a lot of questions surrounding Covid-19, and, well, you all better buckle the fuck up,…Read more...

RICHFIELD, MN—Saying it would be a really huge help during a difficult time, Best Buy CEO Corie Barry sheepishly pleaded with Americans on Thursday to go out and buy a cord or maybe an adapter of some kind to support the electronics retailer as it faces losses related to the coronavirus. “We’re expecting lower sales…Read more...

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Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has confirmed to be present in at least 112 countries, and while the number of cases have increased, so have rumors and misinformation about it. The Onion sets the record straight by debunking popular myths about the coronavirus.Read more...

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to rehabilitate their industry’s tarnished public image, BP executives were reportedly combating negative perceptions of fossil fuel companies Thursday by putting an iceberg in a hotel room with a murdered prostitute. “BP is committed to a greener tomorrow and acknowledges its past contributions…Read more...

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has rejected a copyright lawsuit that claims the English rock band lifted key components from Spirit’s 1968 single “Taurus” for their song “Stairway To Heaven,” upholding a 2016 decision that found the chord progressions were “not intrinsically similar.” What do you think?Read more...

Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.Read more...

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Russian lawmakers have introduced a proposal that would reset Vladimir Putin’s current term limit back to zero, allowing him to serve as president for two more six-year terms. What do you think?Read more...

Frequently wash your hands with antibacterial soap or sanitizer to ensure the next epidemic-level pathogen has built up an immunity.Read more...

DUBLIN, OH—Eagerly expounding on what he described as “probably [his] best costume idea ever,” local 28-year-old Aiden Johnston, who sources confirmed will be dead by May, told reporters Wednesday he can’t wait to dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween. “Oh, man, it’d be so funny if I went as the coronavirus and my…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an unfortunately significant gesture of romantic affection, your current serious girlfriend has taken it upon herself to make you a playlist consisting of bands you might like to associate with her forever. “I’m trying to get a good mix of genres, sounds, and moods in here, all by common musical groups you…Read more...

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Two Wells Fargo board members have resigned after a House committee report found the company failed to properly address previous consumer abuse scandals that include falsifying records, forging signatures, opening fraudulent accounts, charging fees on those fraudulent accounts, and mistakenly foreclosing on homes.…Read more...

A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Marveling at the wide range of luxurious experiences available across its many award-winning spas and restaurants, sources expressed envy this week for the 3,500 fortunate people aboard the Grand Princess who got to spend a bunch of extra days on the ship during their coronavirus quarantine. “Oh man,…Read more...

A new Twitter policy intended to crack down on tweets containing deceptive photos, audio, and video was deployed for the first time Sunday on an edited clip of Joe Biden that was circulated by the president and his social media director. What do you think?Read more...

BAIRDSTOWN, OH—Admitting he was initially baffled by the unexpected present, area man Troy Williams figured that things must be getting pretty serious for his girlfriend’s dad to gift him a bottle of BBQ sauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Kyla and I have only been exclusive for about three months, but now that her dad…Read more...

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-consciousness, local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried everyone at his gym was staring at his perfectly chiseled body. “I simply want to take care of my body, but I feel like everyone is just ogling its rippling, godlike…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “mighty powerful way” to prevent the spread of the infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin’. “Now listen up—we’re gonna need each and…Read more...

A new report found that lettuce grown on the International Space Station is just as safe and nutritious as lettuce grown on Earth, a fact which scientists say will allow astronauts to supplement prepackaged food and sustain themselves on longer space expeditions. What do you think?Read more...