The Onion

CHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall, a gunman, and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill. “It’s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings, but I feel safer…Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work, anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change. “It seems like…Read more...

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The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.

OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow…Read more...

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Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?Read more...

On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR’s Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.Read more...

Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...

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NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds…Read more...

Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?Read more...

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ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…Read more...

Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?Read more...

The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.Read more...

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…Read more...

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...

BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…Read more...

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Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…Read more...

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ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow…Read more...

It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started…Read more...

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?Read more...

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Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…Read more...

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TULSA, OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own, Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system. “We get a lot of worried moms and…Read more...

This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?Read more...

The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?Read more...

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In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

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ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein…Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you…Read more...

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CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but…Read more...

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...