The Onion

GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to…Read more...

In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips…Read more...

“See that wall right there? I’m gonna punch a fucking hole through it, and I’d love to see you try and stop me.”Read more...

The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?Read more...

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BRISTOL, CT—Kicking themselves for spacing on what would have been an integral part of the documentary, the regretful producers of the ’98 Chicago Bulls documentary The Last Dance realized Friday they probably should have tried to interview Michael Jordan. “Fuck, I don’t know why we didn’t even think of this, he…Read more...

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With more people streaming entertainment at home as the coronavirus leaves brick-and-mortar businesses closed, Netflix is now worth $194 billion, $10 billion more than Disney, which is struggling due to delayed movie releases and shuttered theme parks. What do you think?Read more...

The coronavirus pandemic has virtually halted U.S. sports, but calls for sports to restart to provide entertainment for a largely home-bound nation have led some leagues to explore creative options to resume play. The Onion looks at potential ways for sports leagues to restart during coronavirus.Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets, a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin, the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon. “Given the volatility of exchanges, we want our…Read more...

MONTECITO, CA—Sighing in remorse at the “monsters of my own creation” after viewing recent appearances on Fox News by Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “You have served me well, but this has gone too far,” Friday while loading a shotgun. “Well, we had a…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster the booked guest’s professional credibility, Fox News executives reportedly tasked producer Lydia Reese Friday with calculating how long it would take to get Kid Rock a doctorate. “Hmm, it might be tough since he didn’t go to undergrad, but maybe we can swing some kind of honorary…Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment, pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday, despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway. “He keeps crying, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?,’ but it’s…Read more...

It might be too early to crown a winner in the next generation console wars, but Sony just gave us a major reason to stake money with these odds! After the exciting reveal of the DualSense controller earlier this month, the console titan just leaked an innovative new feature that will make the PlayStation 5 a…Read more...

TAOYUAN, TAIWAN—Shouting “Commodore” as nearby automatons were forced to cover their small peripheral’s microphones, a Taiwanese robotic baseball fan was ejected from a Monkeys–Lions game Friday after yelling slurs at a pitch camera. “Look at this defunct, malware-infected piece of scrap. You call that a strike? You…Read more...

The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this…Read more...

99-year-old British veteran Tom Moore has raised more than $15 million in support of the National Health Service’s fight against Covid-19 by walking 100 laps around his backyard, far surpassing his original goal of $1,250. What do you think?Read more...

1508-1512: In what is considered one of the highlights of Renaissance slideshows, Michelangelo adorns the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with detailed scenes of hedgehogs having a worse day than you.Read more...

AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child’s well-being if he were to follow in his father’s footsteps, Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn’t let his son play Russian roulette. “Back when I started playing, safety wasn’t a huge priority, but now as a parent…Read more...

The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus, but added that if schools remain closed this fall they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “huge influence” on the eight-episode television series, writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs. “I was just planning to make a show about free will, but it took on a whole new life once I…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking…Read more...

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As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread, companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can, and Bungie is no exception. The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star, Master Chief himself, is available to fight the coronavirus, although they aren’t exactly…Read more...

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.Read more...

The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?Read more...

SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “G’day, mate” at everyone within earshot, local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. “For the next several excruciating hours, I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began, local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday, “I was a barber…a barber, that’s right,” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck. “Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now: I…Read more...

The International Monetary Fund predicted the world economy will shrink roughly 3% in 2020 as governments and businesses struggle to recover from the coronavirus, setting off the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. What do you think?Read more...

The Supreme Court announced they will hear oral arguments for several upcoming cases via phone conference this May in order to protect the health of the justices, six of whom are over 65. What do you think?Read more...

It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said…Read more...

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was…Read more...

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $1,200 this week as part of the government’s economic relief package, with early reports indicating the funds are being used on food, gas, rent, and other necessities. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise, the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak. “While we appreciate all of Gar’s contributions, it’s simply unacceptable to go over a month…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to…Read more...

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The ideal vocation for this outlet would be firing up a state-of-the-art drip system for your favorite beans, but he would definitely still be open to a more subtle role, like heating the electric kettle that you use for pour over.Read more...

Consider first the site of the Countess’ unannounced departure: her study. As all witnesses agree, the Countess spent the evening penning correspondences at her desk, where the telltale scratch of her quill could be detected well into the evening. However, immediately following the stroke of midnight, the staff claims…Read more...

The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to restart, while critics warn that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of reopening America before the coronavirus…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young…Read more...

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SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for…Read more...

Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.Read more...