by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49TP5)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 07:01 |
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49TKY)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49TKZ)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49TH4)
LOS ANGELES—Grimacing and tossing a cup of water on his face as the spectators cheered him on, a sweating, exhausted Christian Bale was spotted Sunday evening stumbling past the 13-mile marker on the Oscars’ red carpet. According to witnesses, the panting Bale had completely sweat through his tuxedo as he passed the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49TH5)
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by OnionNews on Entertainment, shared by OnionNews to on (#49TH6)
Acceptance speeches are a cornerstone of the Academy Awards ceremony and have provided their share of tears, laughter, and controversy over the years. The Onion looks back at the most memorable Oscars acceptance speeches of all time.Read more...
by The Onion on (#49R1G)
Gathering bishops from across the globe, Pope Francis has communed a summit to address the protection of minors in the Church from the scourge of clerical sexual abuse. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#49PXH)
LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49PXJ)
Sony Interactive boss Shawn Layden predicted a future in which all consoles are united as one, saying that the Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One all offer “great experiences.†What do you think?Read more...
Chicago Police Credit Their Extensive Experience Falsifying Evidence For Helping Solve Smollett Case
by The Onion on (#49PSS)
CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49PNT)
SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49P7P)
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by The Onion on (#49P2C)
NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,†top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#49P2D)
PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49P2E)
The Justice Department is preparing for Robert Mueller to conclude and submit a report of his two-year probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election as early as next week. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#49P2F)
ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive†for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#49MPH)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49MPJ)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49MEA)
LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49MAE)
IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,†perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49M5Z)
VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced Thursday that children who have been sexually abused by Catholic clergy would receive 10 percent off at the Vatican City gift shop. “While we will never be able to completely undo the damage that was done,…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49M60)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49M1H)
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by The Onion on (#49KDQ)
Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court to hear oral arguments for the first time since her lung cancer surgery in late December. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49KDS)
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by The Onion on (#49J2G)
Championing Medicare-for-all and a $15 minimum wage, Bernie Sanders announced a 2020 bid for president that will see him joining an increasingly crowded and progressive Democratic primary. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#49HSH)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49HSJ)
EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?†would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49HSK)
After a decade without releasing a new flavor, Coca-Cola will launch an orange vanilla variety in stores this month, calling it “reminiscent of the creamy orange popsicles we grew up loving, but in a classically Coke way.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#49HM3)
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49HEM)
COLUMBUS—Upon hearing his friends describing their struggles with the mental illness, self-employed graphic designer Jacob Carden, 42, evidently became competitive Wednesday about how depressed he is by rattling off a list of important life and career events the disorder has ruined for him or caused him to miss…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49H9X)
VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals,…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49H53)
The Academy Awards inspire debate every year about whether certain films, directors, and actors were recognized over more deserving ones, and over time, some of those overlooked movies and performances have come to seem particularly egregious. The Onion looks back at the biggest Oscars snubs in history.Read more...
by The Onion on (#49GPQ)
NEW YORK—In a sternly worded reminder of baseline subway etiquette, the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority released a statement Wednesday instructing riders not to take disabled passengers for their personal use. “Transit personnel have seen a significant increase in train, bus, and ferry passengers taking…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49F6M)
Using personal funds, President Trump installed a $50,000 room-sized golf simulator in the White House as an upgrade of the version used by President Obama, allowing him to play virtual rounds at courses across the globe. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#49F2C)
THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld was reportedly aghast Tuesday at the sight of the uninspired, garish tunnel of light moving slowly toward him. “Oh no, that light is far too predictable—that’s not going to work,†said the…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#49EY1)
NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49EY3)
DENVER—Appearing inexplicably mesmerized by the unremarkable scenery below, Delta flight 2127 passenger Richard Hart, 38, was glued to the window of the Airbus A321 “like it was fucking 1956,†travellers confirmed Tuesday. “Jesus, this guy is staring out that window as if the miracle of aviation was bestowed upon…Read more...
by The Onion on (#49EY4)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49EY5)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table.…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#49EEQ)
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by The Onion on (#49CJM)
Warner Bros. has brought back Aquaman’s writer to draft a sequel to the original film, which made $1.1 billion globally at the box office despite a negative reaction from critics. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49CJN)
BOSTON—Regaling her sister’s sons with previously untold stories from adolescence, local aunt Sherri Neely scored big Monday with her nephews Bobby and Ben Cecil by dropping the bombshell story about their mother smoking weed as a teenager. “You should have seen their faces when I told them about me and Marci getting…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49CJP)
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by The Onion on (#49CJQ)
The U.K. passed a bill outlawing “upskirting,†giving a maximum of two years to offenders who take photographs beneath a person’s clothes without permission. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#49CJR)
LANCASTER, PA—Awestruck by the sight of their longtime colleague struggling out of his jacket and adjusting his cuffs, coworkers found themselves agog Monday as data analyst Drew Terrell introduced a new shirt into his wardrobe rotation. “Oh, my God, he got a new shirt,†said Terrell’s cubicle neighbor Kelly Brennan,…Read more...