The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but…Read more...

BUFFALO—Bragging about his own hardcore dedication to being removed from sports facilities, local fan Rob Henderson reportedly questioned Sunday how his acquaintance Derek Shaw could possibly call himself a fan of the Buffalo Bills if he had never been banned from entering New Era Field. “Listen, I’ve been banned from…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly pointing out that the 71-year-old former player was only good when it did not count, local dad Jim Paulson reported Sunday that the old guy being honored on the field always choked in the playoffs. “People are acting like he was some all-time great; he was decent, but he always lost steam…Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

Trump is urging all federal agencies to cancel their subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post, calling the former a “fake newspaper” and saying “we don’t even want it in the White House anymore.” What do you think?Read more...

ROME—In an effort to provide a striking visual to drive home the severity of both venial and mortal transgressions, Pope Francis made a demonstration of the dangers of sin to his flock Friday by revealing a cross-section of a soul that had been blackened and desiccated by wickedness. “I know the idea of ‘sin’ in and…Read more...

We found this mouth crawling around our office and it is extremely annoying. If this is your mouth, please come pick it up. We have no use for it here.

SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that…Read more...

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POUGHQUAG, NY—Completely ignoring the fruit’s coloring and texture, local dumbass Luke Jordan reportedly opted for an overripe McIntosh Red when picking apples Friday, even though a Pink Lady was clearly the best variety available given the region’s topography and the lateness of the harvest season. “God, what a…Read more...

EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their…Read more...

Revealing rodents may possess more adaptable brains than previously believed, University of Richmond scientists have taught rats to drive a tiny car using steerable metal bars to retrieve Froot Loop cereal pieces. What do you think?Read more...

We can all agree that Blizzard messed up by banning popular Hearthstone player Blitzchung from competition due to his pro-Hong Kong comments. Thankfully, they’re making up for their mistake with a totally epic move: When the next Overwatch update hits, the developers will modify every spawn room in the Lijiang Tower…Read more...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Taken aback by the plump feline’s quite extraordinary nature, sources confirmed Friday that a cat on the internet named Pancake has a girth that one might say is unusual among his species. “Quite peculiar, this feline appears to have proportions far beyond that of the cats I usually encounter,” said…Read more...

Fewer than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they’re not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.Read more...

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DENVER—In an outpouring of support for the star, worried fans of Charlize Theron confirmed Thursday they had raised $3.5 million for what must be very substantial hospital bills after seeing the actress in a recent TV spot for Budweiser. “It’s really hard watching a talented person undergo something as humiliating as…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Seemingly confirming numerous fan theories about the ultimate direction of the popular show, a new trailer for HBO’s flagship drama series Westworld released Thursday teased the arrival of long-awaited dramatic stakes. “Producers have been laying the groundwork for high-intensity drama since practically…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hailing the discovery as one that would undoubtedly change the medical field forever, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they had made a breakthrough on marionette strings that had allowed a paralyzed man to walk. “While our subject had incurred severe damage…Read more...

The anonymous high-ranking White House official responsible for a New York Times opinion article about a resistance within the Trump administration has written a new book about the president titled A Warning that will be published next month with plans to donate a “substantial portion” of revenues to pro-press…Read more...

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After an outcry from players for a move widely perceived as bowing to Chinese censorship, Blizzard Entertainment has decreased the ban of Heathstone player Blitzchung from 12 months to 6 months and allowed him to keep the $10,000 in winnings of which he had initially been stripped. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSFIELD, IL—Questioning exactly how the marsupial even made its way to such a small roadside attraction, local father Kyle Conrad, 43, confirmed Tuesday that a kangaroo at the Sherman Farm’s Petting Zoo could not possibly be a good thing. “Man, there’s no way that a kangaroo should just be sitting in a dirty pen at…Read more...

NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting quietly for the NFL to fuck up and take some heat off. “I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out…Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reassuring the man that he would receive an immediate response to his emergency, a 911 operator reportedly informed local black caller Jerry Wardell Tuesday that death was on the way. “Thank you for calling 911, please sit tight and don’t worry, first responders will be there to end your life shortly,”…Read more...

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BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to…Read more...

Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?Read more...

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KINGSTON, RI—Explaining that their recent findings indicated that climate change would have some positive effects on the environment, encouraged marine biologists at the University of Rhode Island projected Tuesday that the planet’s oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by 2040. “Within the next 20 years or…Read more...

When Activision first released Call Of Duty: Mobile early this month, fans were psyched to have the iconic first-player shooter optimized for Android and iPhone. Now it looks like there’s even more to get excited about, because the developers just revealed that an upcoming update for the game will only allow players…Read more...

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Fox newscaster Shepard Smith abruptly announced his departure from Fox News last week due to rising tensions between the fact-based broadcaster and opinion broadcasters like Sean Hannity. What do you think?Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—In a new report that reveals she has really enjoyed seeing pictures of you growing up over the years, sources indicated Monday that while you may not remember your mother’s friend, your mother’s friend sure does remember you. “I held you in my arms when you were just a tiny newborn baby, but it’s been so…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Explaining that they wanted to put their commitment to oppression in writing so that everyone knew where they stood, the nation’s CEOs signed a pledge Monday to continue fucking over Americans. “As the business leaders of this country, we promise to never, ever stop fighting to ensure that the vast majority…Read more...

AIN ISSA, SYRIA—As they streamed out of detention camps in northern Syria following U.S. withdrawal of military support in the region, jubilant ISIS prisoners on Monday hailed their American liberators. “We never thought we’d see the day when someone would finally stand up for us and free us from the Syrian Democratic…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Affirming the importance of traditions like Columbus Day to other Americans, the nation’s 573 federally recognized Indian nations released a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t need a special holiday and would be perfectly fine with just having large swaths of land returned to them immediately.…Read more...

HOUSTON—Marveling at the glorious majesty of what he had created, social media manager Ryan McCann reportedly whispered “I built this” Monday while beholding his vast empire of successful Fuddruckers tweets. “All should gaze in awe and wonder at the brand-affirming Twitter content I hath wrought,” said McCann,…Read more...

CARSON CITY, NV—Remarking at the social media user’s ability to immediately cut to the chase, sources confirmed Monday that a conspiracy theory posted on Reddit wasted absolutely no time getting racist. “Man, this guy didn’t even spend a complete sentence describing the cabal of globalists controlling world affairs…Read more...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Suggesting the breakup really left its mark on them, a new report published Monday has concluded that it sure looks like your ex gained some weight once they started dating someone much better than you. “Our findings indicate that as soon as your ex found someone who actually makes them happy, they…Read more...

Since its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all gaming-related news, bringing our readers the latest stories and updates from major players like Microsoft and Nintendo, as well as minor but noteworthy releases from a host of independent developers. In short, we…Read more...

A new CDC report found that combined incidences of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia in the U.S. reached an all-time high in the last year with more than 2.4 million cases. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to take a stand against the smarmy fucks who must think they’re some kind of hot shit, the U.S. Department of Education announced Monday that it would crack down on cocky little assholes who hand in their test early. “The American public school system will no longer tolerate any student who dares to…Read more...

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LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll…Read more...

Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...