by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YGJG)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-03-21 16:20 |
by The Onion on (#4YGJH)
ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “No†if a friend offers them the coronavirus. “While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough,…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YFH1)
LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night. “It is a great honor for me to be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YFH2)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YFH3)
LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,†several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch, aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards. “It’s just kind of…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YFH4)
AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to. “I swear, the Recording…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YFH5)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YF90)
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by The Onion on (#4YD97)
In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens, the Chinese government has locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities, including Wuhan, Hubei’s capital of 11 million people where the virus first emerged. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YD98)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YD2K)
The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YD2M)
NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YD2N)
Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight, the closest the clock has been to humanity’s metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YCS3)
SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YBKW)
Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan, a woman charged with lewdness after her stepchildren found her topless beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YBCF)
LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4YBCG)
After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YBCH)
President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good†but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YBCJ)
CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YB1H)
GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4Y9VM)
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by The Onion on (#4YA1P)
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters that Martin Luther King Jr. would not have supported current impeachment efforts if he were alive today, saying Dr. King’s promotion of harmony between peoples would have led him to oppose “tear[ing] the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YA5W)
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by The Onion on (#4Y9K9)
NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y9VN)
Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu documentary about her life, calling the senator a “career politician†and saying “nobody likes him.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y9KA)
MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y9KB)
THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!†exclaimed the Lord, noting that He…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y9KC)
NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that†to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,†said the 46-year-old,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y8ZE)
In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y8ZF)
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by The Onion on (#4Y85T)
Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business with carbon emissions. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y7YV)
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y7YW)
In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y7YX)
ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Y7YZ)
WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y7NF)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y7NG)
TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange,…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4Y7NH)
Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Y7NJ)
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by The Onion on (#4Y68R)
Education: Top Finnish-language program in world
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Y5R9)
HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on†clip. “Sure, right now…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4Y5RB)
Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4Y5RC)
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by The Onion on (#4Y5RD)
Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch, saying “he can be of any color, but he is male,†and adding that “I believe we should be creating new characters for women—strong female characters.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Y5RE)
LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on…Read more...