The Onion

As grocery stores and online retailers struggle to keep toilet paper in stock due to Americans panic-buying paper products, bidet sales have increased up to ten times what they were before the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans…Read more...

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CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom…Read more...

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The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over personal information to Facebook without notifying users, while tech news sites also report the app may not be as secure as it claims. What do you think?Read more...

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.Read more...

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even…Read more...

Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it…Read more...

As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus, scientists say air pollution and carbon emissions have dropped significantly, with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30% in some areas. What do you think?Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants…Read more...

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before…Read more...

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Well, well, well. Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways. That’s right, gamers, everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie, because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of…Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager…Read more...

Dermal papillae, schmermal papillae—Mila Kunis doesn’t need an epidermis to turn heads. This perennial sex kitten sizzles in this casual, flesh-free look.Read more...

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to…Read more...

HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up…Read more...

An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?Read more...

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.Read more...

Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.Read more...

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The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?Read more...

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EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and…Read more...

Choose one face of the cube to start with. Remember, the color of the middle square represents the color of the entire side of the cube. So if the middle square is white, the entire face of the cube should eventually be white.Read more...

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to…Read more...

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in…Read more...

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PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on…Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said…Read more...

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.Read more...

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CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling,…Read more...

New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?Read more...

Employees for Instacart announced plans to strike Monday, saying they want the company to provide personal protective equipment, hazard pay and expanded pay for workers affected by coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s…Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have…Read more...

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SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers, Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots. “Today, we’re announcing vastly expanded health coverage, so that none of our…Read more...

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Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?Read more...

It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.Read more...

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not…Read more...

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?Read more...

Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.