The Onion

About 45 minutes into Hitman 2’s new “Haven Island” DLC, players are faced with a choice that not only changes the rest of the downloadable level but the course of the series itself: Will you continue on in your mission to kill an affluent kingpin while sneaking through the Maldive resort’s tropical forests? Or will…Read more...

16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed the U.N. Climate Action Summit with an emotional speech condemning leaders for inaction and stressing that while “[e]ntire ecosystems are collapsing… all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!” What do you think?Read more...

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WESTCHESTER, NY—Despite expressing to her on numerous past occasions the gravity of making this sort of mistake, sources confirmed Tueasday that, God fucking damnit, the live-in maid had sorted the satins and cottons together again. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, how many times have we told Maria not to put the baronet weave…Read more...

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Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight,…Read more...

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ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but…Read more...

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CINCINNATI—Expressing concern over their teammate’s unhealthy fixation on repeating the process, Cincinnati Reds players confirmed Monday that outfielder Phil Ervin always has to touch all three bases before going to home plate. “He just can’t go near home plate without first touching every single base in order with…Read more...

Citing regulatory uncertainty in announcing its decision, retail giant Walmart will cease selling e-cigarettes immediately, the company said Friday. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—After his streaming service came in second behind HBO in the total number of statuettes taken home at the awards show, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings reportedly chewed out his content creators Sunday in a relentless, rage-fueled tirade in the post-Emmys locker room. “You want to tell me what the fuck just…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Expressing his disbelief and disappointment over purchasing the Sinaloa drug cartel’s products for decades while remaining ignorant of their less-than-ethical attitude toward competing business, regular cocaine customer Richard Barnes confirmed this week that he was shocked to learn the powerful…Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—Noting that the footage produced more questions than answers, viewers expressed disappointment Monday that the new trailer for Frozen 2 provided almost no clues about the specifics of President Donald Trump’s conversations with the leader of Ukraine. “It’s unfortunate that even a frame-by-frame breakdown…Read more...

PLANO, TX—In the six weeks since classes began at Plano Senior High School, quiet, nerdy student Henry Orvis, 16, has been lying in wait and looking for just the right moment to unleash his freestyle rap talents on his fellow sophomores, sources reported Monday. “Soon, very soon, the time will be right, and I daresay…Read more...

The divide between games and reality is vast. Though it can feel like you’re getting better and honing your skills while you’re playing, those skills don’t necessarily translate in the real world. As challenging as these games might sometimes be, years of playing tower defense games can’t even begin to prepare you for…Read more...

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Birth control and fewer pregnancies have led to abortions among women of reproductive age dropping 3.4% to 13.5% between 2011 and 2017, the lowest ever since abortions became legal in 1973. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these…Read more...

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DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels…Read more...

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?Read more...

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game…Read more...

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MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…Read more...

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…Read more...

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…Read more...

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.Read more...

The White House has revoked California’s right to set its own vehicle emissions standards and banned other states from setting similar rules in a move that would likely increase carbon emissions from transportation but will almost certainly face legal challenges. What do you think?Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope Francis told a sinner Thursday that a risky experimental sacrament was the only thing capable of saving him. “At such an advanced stage and with sins this mortal, I’d put the odds of saving your soul at…Read more...

In a major acquisition for the streaming giant, Netflix announced that it has acquired the rights to the popular sitcom Seinfeld, which will bring all 180 episodes of the sitcom to the company starting in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right onto the sidewalk. “Oh, Jesus, he was walking fine and then—bam—down he went,” said onlooker Danielle Roper, who watched as local toddler Lucas Novich tripped…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle by engaging in light physical activities like baseball. “I told him to take it easy and maybe just try something like nine innings of…Read more...

OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing…Read more...

Following a contentious campaign that saw the Israeli prime minister playing to far-right voters, exit polls have shown Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud party trailing the center-left Blue and White party and gains for the Arab Joint List, raising the likelihood of a unity government and a reigning in of the country’s drift…Read more...

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FERGUS FALLS, MN—Gifting them another 7-year-old as a token of appreciation for their patience, local adoption agency Kindred Family Focus reportedly gave a couple who waited a long time an extra kid free of charge Wednesday. “We know we kept you waiting for a child for a long time, so in order to show our thanks,…Read more...

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A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our own cells that the virus needs to replicate. What do you think?Read more...

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MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school shooter before he did enough damage to restart the national gun debate. “We’re all certainly glad that the shooter was only able to kill two…Read more...