The Onion

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…Read more...

Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Admitting that he had butterflies in his stomach as soon as Mike Tomlin threw his challenge flag on the field, NFL referee Tony Corrente admitted Sunday that he was excited to see himself on TV while reviewing a pass interference call. “I’ve watched the play five times now, but it’s just so exciting seeing…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that they could give away a huge advantage by getting the Bears QB benched, the Detroit Lions switched to a loose “no-coverage” style defense Sunday to prevent Mitch Trubisky from losing his starting job. “If we’re not careful, Mitch could throw straight into double coverage, or worse chuck…Read more...

President Trump must pay $2 million to a range of charities to resolve a lawsuit alleging he misused his own charitable foundation to buy sports memorabilia and champagne at a charity gala, a New York judge ruled this week. What do you think?Read more...

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As many controversial stories have recently demonstrated, journalists play a significant role in determining how a news item is reported, as well as which narratives make it to light. The nature of social media and the rise in leakers and whistleblowers present new challenges for traditional reportage. They also offer…Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing the device’s absolute betrayal of company values, ABC News officials confirmed Friday that the network had fired the hot mic responsible for converting sound waves of Amy Robach revealing that the network spiked a story on Jeffrey Epstein. “This hot mic’s behavior clearly violates both our corporate…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Proclaiming their deep and sincere regret for any role their extensive line of greeting cards may have played in one of the darkest chapters of history, event-commemoration giant Hallmark apologized Friday for supplying Hitler’s infamous Third Reich with greeting cards from 1938 to mid-1945. “We deeply…Read more...

NEW YORK—Revealing that the “criminal masterminds” detonated a series of explosives and then rappelled down from the gallery ceiling, officials confirmed Friday that performance art thieves had broken into the MoMa and stolen a nude Marina Abramović whipping herself with a flaming rose. “After maneuvering past the…Read more...

Google, Facebook, and Apple have donated billions to aid the California housing crisis that many suggest they helped spur, although critics contend it will not be enough to counter the state’s rapidly rising cost of living and homelessness epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Gripping the rim of the sink while staring at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, the Dalai Lama reportedly whispered, “New day, same bullshit,” Friday before slapping on a smile to go greet the masses. “If one more person asks me for spiritual guidance in the face of adversity, I’m going to blow…Read more...

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TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to…Read more...

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After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Crying out in terror as he suddenly began fading from view, the agnoized soul of James Dean was reportedly disappearing from Heaven Thursday as filmmakers finished constructing a CGI version of the actor. “Oh no, the pain is excruciating—what is happening to me?” said the iconic 1950s film star, who…Read more...

Tuesday’s elections brought Virginia Democrats to power over the governorship and State House for the first time since 1993, a significant blow Republicans compounded with a stinging loss in the Kentucky gubernatorial race. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Declaring they would stop at nothing to ensure the ailment was wiped out, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly pledged $25 billion Thursday toward eradicating whatever disease drives people to support taxing the rich. “It’s heartbreaking to see so many afflicted people driven to delusions that…Read more...

SEATTLE—Hoping to pick up a few tips on “maximizing his creative toolkit,” local poet Ian Kelly, 31, was reportedly watching a video about the habits of effective artists Thursday so that he, too, could be an effective artist. “These tips are what the best of the best do, practices that the leading artistic minds…Read more...

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EARTH—Describing the situation as “less than ideal,” billions of blessed souls were forced to wander around Earth this week during a pest-control fumigation of Heaven. “Even after living a life of faith, service, purity, and good works, we’re told that for the next 36 hours, we’re not allowed in His Everlasting…Read more...

A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that…Read more...

I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is vast. The Earth these days is home to nearly 8 billion of My precious children—each one special, each created in My image, each worthy of My love. Which makes it all the more…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Admitting he had spent many sleepless nights afraid he would never make things right with the American people, Ford CEO James Hackett expressed worry Wednesday he might not bring back any of the jobs he had shipped outside the country. “It’s been a few years now since I moved production of the Ford Focus…Read more...

In a dramatic reversal, U.S. diplomat Gordon Sondland revised his testimony to confirm President Trump directed him to link American aid to Ukraine to a quid pro quo so that they investigate 2020 rival Vice President Biden. What do you think?Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Offering an official condemnation for what the organization viewed as his rabid anti-gun agenda, the National Rifle Association issued an “F” rating to Bugs Bunny Wednesday for tying up gun barrels into pretzel shapes. “Time and time again, we have seen this radical agitator seeking to curtail the Second…Read more...

In a major blow to the Paris Climate Agreement, the Trump administration announced that the U.S. will formally depart from the accord in the next year, although this can be quickly reversed by subsequent administrations. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Stating that it would just take a minute and it would be way easier with two people, a new report released Wednesday revealed that local man Greg Metcalf just needed a little help here. “If you could just pop over here and grab the other end that would be great,” said the report, confirming this wasn’t…Read more...

YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural town, Catholic priest Father James Callahan found himself seriously considering child molestation this week as a possible avenue of being transferred to a different parish. “There’s just nothing interesting going on here,…Read more...

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Voters in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Jersey and Virginia will head to the polls to elect state lawmakers, governors and other executives as representatives of the five states who hold odd-year elections. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a new effort by the MTA and law enforcement to crack down on fare evasion, New York City reportedly opened a $500 million decoy subway station this week to catch turnstile jumpers. “This sprawling, state-of-the-art station will have all the sights and sounds of a regular terminal, including turnstiles that…Read more...

It is truly a tragic day for gamers everywhere. Speaking at a recent press conference, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa sent shockwaves through the gaming industry after announcing that the upcoming Switch platformer Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 will be the last game.Read more...

DALLAS, TX—Seeking to showcase his pride for his comrades’ heroism, hardline pastry chef Dave Southerton had reportedly displayed a black-and-white American flag with a raspberry cream stripe Tuesday to honor the sacrifices bakers make every day. “My profession is constantly under attack nowadays by people who claim…Read more...

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FOSTER CITY, CA—In what the company stated was an effort to better cater to the financial realities of its customers, Visa has reportedly introduced a new preloaded debt card, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our new debt card is available in outstanding balances from $50 to $150,000 on our platinum offering, allowing…Read more...

Following the release of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare-for-All plan, Bernie Sanders called his own version “much more progressive in terms of protecting the financial well-being of middle-income families.” What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Noting his evident reluctance to break eye contact with the steadily rotating tupperware container, employees at Vizer Solutions speculated Tuesday that coworker Edward Morris was apparently just going to stare at his lunch in the microwave for the entire three-minute cook time. “Man, I guess his plan is to…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Exhorting the staff to heed his words no matter what department they hailed from, award-winning screenwriter and playwright Aaron Sorkin reportedly delivered a lengthy monologue Monday saying that America needs to dream bigger after he was informed by a Burberry employee that the coat he wanted was out of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by…Read more...

ATLANTA—Following leaked audio of the white supremacist’s slur-filled 2017 tirade, CNN responded Monday to Richard Spencer’s comments by apologizing for not getting him to say those things while on the network. “We’re truly sorry Mr. Spencer wasn’t able to espouse his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric during our…Read more...

The highly touted Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich returned on Sunday, bringing with it lengthy lines and excitement around the country for the temporarily unavailable menu item. What do you think?Read more...

WATERBURY, CT—Bemoaning his inability to prioritize actual responsibilities over online distractions, local man Harper Crawford reportedly spent hours surfing the internet Monday rather than dealing with real pressing issues piling up in Harvest Moon: Light of Hope. “Here I am reading through my friend’s Facebook page…Read more...