by The Onion on (#4Z2FP)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-03-21 18:07 |
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z2FQ)
Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z2FR)
INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Z2FS)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z2FT)
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by The Onion on (#4Z25K)
BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow…Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#4Z25M)
Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z11H)
Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest
by The Onion on (#4Z11J)
In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z11K)
Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp
by The Onion on (#4Z11M)
The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.
by The Onion on (#4Z11N)
WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4Z11P)
Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z0RM)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4Z0RN)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4Z0RQ)
NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.†“Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me…Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#4Z0RR)
There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YZCD)
President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YZ3V)
Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YYT9)
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by The Onion on (#4YYTA)
As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YZ3W)
PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YYTB)
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by The Onion on (#4YYTC)
With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YYTD)
CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YYTE)
Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YYTF)
GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YXAQ)
EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YXAR)
Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YX1J)
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YX1K)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YX1M)
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by The Onion on (#4YX1N)
As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YX1P)
LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4YX1Q)
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by The Onion on (#4YVHP)
His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4YVHQ)
With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#4YVHR)
When you think of the masters of graphic novels, one name reigns supreme: Alan Moore. The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and From Hell.…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YVHS)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YV6J)
AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YV6K)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YV6M)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4YV6P)
CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YTCM)
MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YTCN)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YT8F)
MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit†call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4YT8G)
MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun,…Read more...