The Onion

President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that there was a “very substantial chance” that the summit with North Korea would not work out in June, but noted it may still occur at a later date. What do you think?Read more...

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TORONTO—Clarifying the storyline for fans of her book and its television adaptation, author Margaret Atwood announced Wednesday that the handmaids in her best-selling novel The Handmaid’s Tale are supposed to be aliens. “I appreciate the conversations about patriarchy and feminism my book has sparked, but what I wrote…Read more...

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Former presidential couple Barack and Michelle Obama announced a production deal with Netflix in which they will produce television shows and films for the streaming service. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation.…Read more...

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Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he will run for re-election as an independent on a platform that will include a $15 national minimum wage, Medicare for all, and free tuition at public universities. What do you think?Read more...

The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy…Read more...

As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we are a nation hopelessly divided. After all, the issues that separate us are very real. However, I refuse to believe we will find solutions to our problems by retreating further into our respective…Read more...

BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same.…Read more...

CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the…Read more...

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your…Read more...

The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!Read more...

NEW YORK—Adding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike, the Showtime network will premiere an original series Sunday night that examines how the course of world events would have been altered if the Nazis had won the 1991 NBA Finals.

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The U.S. is one of the only countries not to mandate paid sick leave, a fact that many people believe is more harmful than helpful in the workplace, while opponents argue that it could hurt businesses. The Onion debunks common myths about paid sick leave.Read more...

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that he is, after all, at a difficult age, sources at the Golden Living Center nursing home confirmed Monday that local senior Frank Gardner has been pretty checked out during his final year. “All he does lately is zone out and stare off blankly, so you can tell Frank wants to just…Read more...

Boring Company founder Elon Musk revealed this week that rides in the 60-mile planned system of tunnels currently being dug underground will cost $1 for commuters and will be free for a period when their first 2.6 mile segment is open. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Annoyed with the players’ complete lack of common courtesy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred sternly reminded teams Friday to properly dispose of any torn elbow ligaments. “Any discarded elbow ligaments should be tied off in a plastic bag and dropped in the designated receptacles. Staff and fans shouldn’t have to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us…Read more...

Bill Gates revealed that President Trump asked him on two separate occasions if there was any difference between HIV—short for human immunodeficiency virus—and HPV—the human papillomavirus—two viruses that have very little to do with each other outside of their similar acronyms. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. “Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Far-right media outlet Breitbart News refused Monday to release the names of the 10 dead and 13 wounded in the Santa Fe High School mass shooting, saying that doing so would only give the victims exactly what they wanted. “We’re not going to give these victims the satisfaction of seeing their names and…Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to…Read more...

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ITHACA, NY—A report published Monday by the Cornell University Department of Sociology revealed that all the other races are coming to take your stuff, and furthermore, they are coming soon. “Based on our research, Americans should know that every race outside of their own has been planning to take their stuff for a…Read more...

In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to significant backlash, and we at The Onion are no strangers to receiving threats of legal action. While we generally dismiss them as the baseless accusations they are, we recently found an old cease-and-desist…Read more...

A lone right foot wearing a hiking boot washed ashore in the Pacific Northwest, making it the 14th such severed foot in the past decade. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Touting the remarkable progress made towards broader cultural representation in the royal family, Queen Elizabeth II declared Monday that the British monarchy’s recent diversity initiative was a complete success. “It is with great pleasure that I tell you all that the Crown’s plan to introduce diversity into…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Emphasizing that a proper haircut should never lacerate a patron’s head, the CEO of Supercuts expressed remorse Friday while issuing a formal apology for the number of customers they scalp every month. “I want to personally acknowledge that even a single scalping is one too many for a Supercuts Hair…Read more...

No matter what your feelings on the royal wedding are, one thing we can all agree on is that it happened. If you missed ClickHole’s live-tweeting of the big game, here are some of the best moments from that special day of love.Read more...

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PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying that an inability to properly cope with his feelings often led them to come out in sudden and unexpected ways, the family of local man Drew Walton told reporters Friday that they wished he could find a healthier way to express his emotions than always bursting into a full-blown musical number.…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins…Read more...

This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing…Read more...

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It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than officiating a royal wedding that hundreds of millions of people are watching, and that pressure is clearly getting to officiant Justin Welby, who in his opening address just introduced bride Meghan Markle as “Michael Morgle.” After announcing the groom, Prince…Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too…Read more...

SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. “The defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as last…Read more...

Longtime McDonald’s fan Don Gorske entered the Guinness Book Of World Records after eating his 30,000th Big Mac, calling the hamburger sandwich “the best food I’ve ever had.” What do you think?Read more...