The Onion

PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…Read more...

TOMS RIVER, NJ—Reluctantly giving a pep talk on inner strength before ushering his newest student into the ring, local boxing guru Bill Sweeney told reporters Tuesday that he wished just once he could coach someone who had already fully worked through their childhood trauma. “Christ, I just want to teach people how to…Read more...

ROME—According to a report released Monday by the United Nations, U.S. consumers waste roughly 50 million tons of sugar-saturated food each year, a quantity sufficient to give over one billion residents of the developing world Type 2 diabetes. “Citizens in more affluent nations such as the United States do not fully…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was…Read more...

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American hate groups increased by 4 percent in the first year of Trump’s presidency, with a substantial rise in anti-semitic, racist, and anti-LGBT organizations. What do you think?Read more...

In the fourth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David recruits Onion Public Radio’s robust team of interns to recreate the night of Hayley Price’s murder in order to determine once and for all if a person can really die from a simultaneous gunshot-stabbing-strangling-drowning. Plus: A major twist.Read more...

Saying that he didn’t have a story to tell, filmmaker Joss Whedon has left the production of DC Entertainment’s Batgirl film. What do you think?Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying the discovery shed new light on the father of our country, a team of University of Pennsylvania archivists announced Monday that new evidence suggests George Washington sent a woodcut of his penis to his secretary. “After uncovering a well-preserved, remarkably graphic woodcut dating from the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Recalling how his best-selling mathematics primer had struggled to garner any attention from top textbook agents, author Bruce Gallagher confirmed Friday that his runaway blockbuster textbook, Introduction To Algebra, had been rejected by a dozen publishers before finally being picked up. “All the big houses…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Shedding new light on the young woman’s mystifying allure, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the fair Jeanette growing ever more beautiful. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Jeanette’s ethereal loveliness…Read more...

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GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists suddenly halted their presentation Friday, let out a long sigh, and stated that the best thing anyone can do at this point is just try to enjoy the next couple decades as much as possible. “You know…Read more...

Travel to a foreign country and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with someone you love, or, short of that, just convince yourself that happiness comes from within.Read more...

After drawing criticism from feminists for wearing a revealing dress during the premiere of her new thriller Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence responded that the complaints were “sexist” and “ridiculous.” What do you think?Read more...

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Saying she was merely excited to support U.S. athletes, First Daughter Ivanka Trump clarified that her trip to the Winter Olympics would not be spent engaging diplomatically with North Korea. What do you think?Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—International nongovernmental organization Oxfam announced a new pledge campaign Thursday requesting help in their effort to protect impoverished girls from sexual predation at the hands of Oxfam employees. “Your donation can make a difference in the lives of girls in countries suffering from the…Read more...

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SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings…Read more...

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Essential oils have grown increasingly popular as natural remedies for common health problems, but their actual effectiveness is the subject of much debate. The Onion outlines some of the myths and facts surrounding essential oils.Read more...

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,”…Read more...

Neurologists at the University of California found that moderate drinking is linked to living longer than 90, with 2 glasses of beer or wine per day decreasing premature deaths by 18%. What do you think?Read more...

PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious swarms buzzing ominously around their hives. “For generations, we have fought to contain the violent wrath of bees, but…Read more...

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George and Amal Clooney will attend the March For Our Lives in Florida and have donated $500,000 to the cause of gun reform. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—As he entered the Pearly Gates and walked the gold-paved streets of God’s Eternal Kingdom, the late Rev. Billy Graham was reportedly so overwhelmed Wednesday by the great majesty before him that he did not at first notice he had taken a turn leading him down the main thoroughfare of heaven’s largest gay…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Concluding that his culinary efforts should “do the trick,” area man Charlie Frye was reportedly just going to assume Wednesday that what he had just done to two cloves of garlic counted as “minced.” “I think I cut it up pretty good—It seems like these pieces are small enough,” said Frye, who had been…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Carefully observing the senior citizen for signs showing his level of commitment to the job, passengers in the car of 81-year-old Uber driver Cordell Eddings reportedly prayed Wednesday that this was just a hobby for the elderly man. “Oh, God, he has to be doing this a couple hours a week just as a way to…Read more...

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Citing the numerous negative effects of acting like a total puss, the nation’s older brothers issued a joint statement Wednesday strongly recommending not being such a little bitch. “Having conducted an extensive study of your whining, all of our findings indicate that it would be in your best…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that…Read more...

The makers of Kibbles ’n Bits and Against the Grain brand dog food issued a recall after the FDA found trace elements of sodium pentobarbital—a drug commonly used to euthanize animals—in pet food. What do you think?Read more...

BELLEVUE, NE—Noting that the presence of the deceased body was sucking all the energy out of the room, several sources confirmed Wednesday that the open casket was really ruining the vibe at a local funeral. “We had a good thing going at first, but once you see the dead body in the casket, it’s a major buzzkill,” said…Read more...

In a step toward creating a more plentiful supply of human organs for transplants, Stanford University scientists bred the first sheep-human hybrids. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Having analyzed the data from extensive surveys conducted across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Tuesday that a boat currently capsizing in the Atlantic Ocean had earned a higher quality of life rating than the United States. “Based on our most recent global rankings, we’ve concluded that the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a new study published Tuesday that surveyed U.S. residents about their attitudes toward current events, the Pew Research Center found that approximately 90 percent of Americans described themselves as strongly opposed to each other. “In the questionnaire we administered, nine out of 10 participants…Read more...

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Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.Read more...

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MORTON GROVE, IL—Offering a full refund along with its sincerest apologies, Publications International, Ltd. recalled more than 90,000 copies of Brain Games Tuesday after the defective puzzle books were found to give customers Alzheimer’s disease. “While our intent has always been to provide entertainment while…Read more...