The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-02-08 19:36 |
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HJVK)
LEXINGTON, KY—Having spent his past 12 hours embroiled in the daily struggle to bring a relaxing sleep to customers nationwide, Tempurpedic CEO Scott L. Thompson told reporters Wednesday that the last thing he wanted to think about after an exhausting workday was going to bed. “Honestly, after a long day overseeing…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HJVM)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HJEK)
A doctor in Kenya has been suspended after performing brain surgery on a patient who merely needed medication for a swollen head, rather than the intended individual. Both patients are expected to recover. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HJC7)
NEW YORK—In an effort to challenge conventional societal norms of unattractiveness, a new series of body-negative public service announcements released Wednesday promotes the idea that ugliness comes in all shapes and sizes. “Always remember that whether you’re thin, curvy, tall, short, or anything in between: You are…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HGSV)
After his conviction for security fraud, tech investor Martin Shkreli was forced to forfeit $7.36 million in assets, including the Wu-Tang Clan album that he bought at auction for $2 million. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HGE2)
WASHINGTON—Capping off months of intensive research, the U.S. Department of Labor released a report Tuesday confirming that it is not in the least bit difficult to visualize the supple, nude bodies of your coworkers, and that you really ought to give it try. “It’s a simple exercise we highly recommend: Close your…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HG26)
LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HFZ8)
LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published Tuesday has found that throughout history, most warfare has been conducted by women who disguised themselves as male soldiers to take the place of fathers too sick to fight themselves.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HFWG)
In the wake of another mass shooting, this one at a high school in Parkland, FL that claimed 17 lives, many Americans are demanding lawmakers address the nation’s firearm policies. The Onion presents a timeline of significant events in America’s gun law history.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HFNP)
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by By Jim Perdue, Chairman Of Perdue on (#3HFNQ)
Most innovators are mocked in their own time. Doubters and naysayers always do their best to stifle bold thinking, though in my case, I refused to let the negative voices get to me. I knew I’d live to see the day when my greatest idea would be vindicated, and that’s exactly what happened. They laughed me off as a…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HFNR)
ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HFNS)
Despite positive findings in recent years, a study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that childhood obesity is still on the rise. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HDWY)
The highest honor of the 90th Academy Awards went to Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water, a film about the relationship that forms between a mute woman and an amphibious creature. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HDMC)
LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.†“On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HDHK)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HDF2)
LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly nauseous while reading dozens of text messages and email follow-ups, a hungover Guillermo Del Toro reportedly panicked Monday after realizing he promised to write new movies for everyone he spoke to at the Oscars after-party. “Oh god, my fucking head—I can’t believe I agreed to make…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HD73)
HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HD45)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HCYR)
NASHVILLE—Confused as to how they should react to his physical appearance, sources reported Monday that it was unclear if the actor Ramon Novarro, who appears shirtless multiple times in the 1931 drama Daybreak, was once considered attractive. “I guess he’s decently tall, and he’s certainly not overweight, but a…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HCVR)
Vodafone and Audi are collaborating to create the first lunar mobile network by 2019 in support of a subsequent private mission to the moon. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HCVS)
LIBERTY HILL, TX—Making the call five and a half days into her normal cycle, local woman Erica Lauzon, 26, reportedly decided Monday that her period was over. “Yep, that’ll do it. I haven’t really checked, but it feels like we’re about done here,†said Lauzon, who took the lone tampon out of her purse and put it back…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBPF)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBNH)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBEN)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBEP)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBBW)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3HBAQ)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3H93D)
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by jmdavid on (#3H78S)
In the first part of an extra-long and incredibly poignant episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,†David returns to the Bluff Springs Police Department to search the evidence locker in hopes of finding the long-lost key to Hayley Price’s Murder.
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H74H)
Despite stringent rationing of water, city officials say Cape Town could run completely dry as soon as July, which would make it the first major city in the world to do so. What do you think?Read more...
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Has The #MeToo Movement Gone Too Far? Or Not Far Enough? Collect All Four Variant Covers To Find Out
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H6TP)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H6R4)
OUTER DARKNESS, HELL—Becoming disoriented by the sight of a shrieking, many-headed snake emerging in agony from a nearby lava pit, Pope Francis reportedly found himself in the depths of Hell Friday after taking a wrong turn in the nigh-endless catacombs beneath the Vatican. “Ah, crap, not again,†said the Pope,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3H6GW)
LOS ANGELES—Honoring the esteemed actor’s many decades in the film industry with drinks and light appetizers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reportedly held a small farewell gathering in the Dolby Theatre kitchen Friday to celebrate the retirement of Daniel Day-Lewis. “I started working with Daniel…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H6DT)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H6BJ)
FRESNO, CA—Marveling at how a tiny bit of DNA could provide so much information about a person, local man Travis Fleming told sources Friday that he had recently learned what crimes he committed thanks to the 23AndMe forensic kit. “I spit into the vial they provided, shipped it off to the 23AndMe forensic lab, and…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H68X)
CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H68Y)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H5R2)
A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans have a lot or some trust in Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of Russian meddling, a similar number to those who do not trust President Trump’s denials on the matter. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3H435)
BETHESDA, MD—Following a long and excruciatingly painful battle, local husband and father of three Bryan Dunn, 43, reportedly passed away Thursday surrounded by many of his closest knife-wielding loved ones. “It was hard to see Bryan go, but you could tell how much it meant to have all of his friends and family around…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H5PC)
AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3H478)
The 90th Academy Awards have continued the trend of offering a more diverse slate of nominees, while organizers will seek to avoid a debacle like last year, when the Best Picture trophy was initially awarded to La La Land instead of Moonlight. Here are The Onion’s selections for this year’s winners.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H454)
CHESAPEAKE, VA—In response to the deadly shooting at a Parkland, FL high school earlier this month, Dollar Tree officials announced Thursday that the discount variety store will no longer sell assault weapons. “Under no circumstances should a teenager be able to walk into a Dollar Tree, purchase a Basic Brands ValuPak…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H3YG)
The NFL announced Wednesday that Pizza Hut would become its official pizza after parting ways with Papa John’s over criticism of protesting players. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3H3YH)
JOHNSTOWN, OH—Anxiously searching through the variety of brands on display for an acceptable offering, local man Nate Walsh reportedly scanned the beer aisle of his neighborhood Kroger Thursday for something his asshole friend wouldn’t mock. “I never heard the end of it when I showed up to Dave’s New Year’s Eve party…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3H3YJ)
CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a…Read more...