The Onion

KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—Using the scant remaining oxygen in his brain to note the approaching stranger’s clear lack of emergency medical experience, choking man Philip Havish could reportedly already tell the good Samaritan attempting to help him had no fucking clue what they were doing. “Oh, God, I’m totally fucked—this dipshit…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the release as an unmatched innovation in green technology, Elon Musk held a press event Wednesday to unveil Tesla’s new clean energy automobile, a sleek midsize luxury sedan pulled by eight Tesla employees. “I’m excited to stand before you today and announce the &8, Tesla’s latest great advance…Read more...

WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up…Read more...

Get excited, because ClickHole is offering an incredible promotion that you’re going to want to take advantage of ASAP: If you go to the store and buy five cowboy hats and send us a picture of yourself wearing your favorite one, you can keep all the hats, no questions asked.Read more...

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This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2022, with most of them being born in 2000. The Onion takes a look at some facts and figures about these students and their worldview.Read more...

OXNARD, CA—Expressing bewilderment after sitting through his four-hour livestream “for nothing,” chat room viewers nationwide overwhelmingly said they felt cheated and deceived Wednesday by Twitch user xLNENRDx who, despite purporting to be a professional gamer, does not pout torrents of racist epithets and opinions…Read more...

A Reuters-Ipsos survey found that the vast majority of Americans—85 percent of Democrats and 52 percent of Republicans—support “Medicare for all,” also known as a single-payer system. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Lamenting the clear changes in the comedian’s material after an almost yearlong absence from the stage, local Louis C.K. fan Jeremy Draeving was reportedly disappointed at the lack of psychosexual power games in the stand-up’s set at the Comedy Cellar on Sunday. “I’ve always loved how real and honest Louis…Read more...

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A study from the Global Burden of Diseases found that no amount of alcohol is good for you, noting that while moderate drinking may reduce heart disease risk that benefit is offset by increased risk of cancer. What do you think?Read more...

RACINE, WI—Begging consumers to immediately cease endangering the safety of our ecosystem, consumer chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson & Son recalled every single product from their Raid brand of insecticides Tuesday after realizing the food chain would simply collapse without bugs. “We’re urging customers to…Read more...

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FORT WAYNE, IN—Expressing astonishment at the transformative power of the journey, a button-up shirt reported Tuesday that it had gone on a truly life-changing odyssey around Forest Dry Cleaning’s automated garment conveyor. “I have seen many wonders on my travels around this realm: cashmere wraps that are elegant…Read more...

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BALTIMORE—Admitting that the assemblage of currency was quite impressive, sources confirmed Tuesday that local coin collector Bill Mavrogenes has some pretty fucking nice coins. “Goddamn, he’s got a bunch of old ones that have holes right through the middle of them,” said local resident Wayne Gorman, noting that the…Read more...

English actor Idris Elba put to rest internet rumors of his forthcoming casting this week after telling a reporter that he would not be the next James Bond. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on the much-rumored events of the upcoming eighth and final season, a newly released teaser for the wildly popular HBO series of Game Of Thrones that aired Monday centered around the image of a cackling, power-mad George R.R. Martin burning the completed manuscript of Winds Of Winter. “This…Read more...

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BALA CYNWYD, PA—His pent-up frustration and anger at an all-time high following a brutal break, high school bully Blaine Madison said Monday he was ready to unload a summer vacation’s worth of abuse at the start of the school year. “I’ve been building up all this aggression, watching my parents scream at each other…Read more...

Kroger, one of the largest supermarket chains in the U.S., will completely phase out plastic bags by 2025, following the lead of other companies such as Starbucks and Marriott International. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Finding themselves increasingly frustrated after years of fruitless analysis, researchers working with a Harvard-coordinated international multi-university research initiative published a report Monday confirming that, despite spending several years and millions of dollars, they have made negligible…Read more...

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—In the aftermath of three deaths in a Jacksonville incident that represented the state’s 22nd mass shooting in 2018 alone, Florida officials announced Monday that they had passed a strict ban on being unarmed. “It is abundantly clear that something must be done to stop gun violence in Florida, which is…Read more...

NEW YORK—Considering the likelihood of a myriad of theoretical outcomes if the singer had survived his 1980 shooting death, experts reported Monday that John Lennon probably would have eventually died anyway. “If he had enough time and the shooting hadn’t happened, we assume he would have passed away of natural causes…Read more...

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The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library Foundation is considering offsetting their debt by selling off several items from the 16th president’s personal effects, including one of his iconic stovepipe hats. What do you think?Read more...

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U.S. officials have deported a 95-year-old former Nazi labor camp guard named Jakiw Palij back to Germany for his role in “Operation Reinhard,” the plan to murder two million Jews living in Poland. What do you think?Read more...

Low-carb diets, such as Atkins, are linked to an early death, according to a recent U.S. study, which noted that moderate carb intake is healthier. What do you think?Read more...

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EAGLE BEACH, ARUBA—As part of Barack Obama’s exclusive deal to produce original content for the streaming service, Netflix announced Friday that production has finished on Barack Of Love, a reality series in which 24 young women vie for the heart of the former president.Read more...

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PHOENIX—Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. “For years, we’ve wondered exactly how much fun we drain from baseball, but finally, by…Read more...

Escape rooms, where a group works together to free themselves from a room by solving puzzles and riddles, have become an increasingly popular activity among young people. The Onion offers the best strategy tips for winning an escape room.Read more...

KNOXVILLE, TN—In what many experts are hailing as a game changer in the field of renewable energy, scientists from the University of Tennessee unveiled Friday a 10-story-tall, 800,000-ton potato capable of powering an entire city. “Our tests have demonstrated this single potato can generate more than 3.5 gigawatts of…Read more...

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WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual…Read more...

LOS ALAMOS, NM––Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they…Read more...

The Trump administration’s new rules rolling back restrictions on coal emissions admit that they may cause 1,400 more premature deaths per year and will likely increase cases of asthma. What do you think?Read more...

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MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Growing increasingly annoyed at their clear ignorance of basic social cues, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly irritated Thursday that His guests did not understand it was far past time for them to leave Heaven. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t say they could stay forever—some of them have been here for…Read more...