The Onion

Link https://theonion.com/
Feed https://www.theonion.com/rss
Updated 2026-03-26 16:00
Steven Spielberg Says Netflix Films Don’t Deserve Oscars
by
The Onion
on (#3KEFH)
In a recent interview, director Steven Spielberg said that films on streaming services without a theatrical release should not receive Oscars, saying that such productions are akin to “TV movies.” What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Actress Allegedly Bites Beyoncé's Face
by
The Onion
on (#3KCSE)
During an interview with GQ, Tiffany Haddish revealed that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face while at a party in Los Angeles. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Lame Cyberattack On Atlanta Doesn’t Even Turn ATMs, Street Sweepers Into Killing Machines
by
The Onion
on (#3KCDQ)
ATLANTA—Saying the hackers who accessed city government computers last week clearly did a shitty job, sources confirmed Wednesday that the lame cyberattack on Atlanta had failed to do anything awesome, like turn ATMs, parking meters, or street-sweeping vehicles into relentless killing machines. “When I heard about the…Read more...
0 comments
Apartment Kind Where Weed Just Left Out On Coffee Table
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KCDR)
Read more...
0 comments
Gym Places Flowers, White Spin Bike In Spot Where Soul Cyclist Killed
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KC5T)
Read more...
0 comments
Mark Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony By Poring Over Lawmakers’ Personal Data
by
The Onion
on (#3KC3G)
MENLO PARK, CA—Accessing the data his platform has harvested over the years from its nearly 2 billion users, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly prepared Wednesday for his upcoming congressional testimony by poring over the personal information of U.S. senators and representatives. “Let’s see here, as long as I…Read more...
0 comments
Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive
by
The Onion
on (#3KBSR)
BALTIMORE—Concluding that the murderer left evidence containing a distinctive style of penmanship, police handwriting expert Elizabeth Simeon, 29, confirmed that an inscribed piece of paper found at the scene of a homicide Sunday morning was almost certainly a note written in cursive. “By the looks of these long,…Read more...
0 comments
Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
by
The Onion
on (#3KBPH)
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…Read more...
0 comments
Server Loves That Dessert
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KBPJ)
Read more...
0 comments
Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico
by
The Onion
on (#3KB9K)
WASHINGTON—Daydreaming about taking a break from the day-to-day grind of modern life, an overworked U.S. populace announced Wednesday that sometimes it wishes it could just unplug from it all the way they did in Puerto Rico. “Whenever my workday gets hectic, I think about how lucky they are to be on this tropical…Read more...
0 comments
‘Roseanne’ Returns
by
The Onion
on (#3KB9M)
More than 30 years after its debut, Roseanne has returned to ABC to depict the working-class struggles of the titular character and her husband, Dan. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KB9N)
CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when…Read more...
0 comments
Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy
by
The Onion
on (#3K9QH)
Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 27, 2018
by
The Onion
on (#3K9M0)
Read more...
0 comments
Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place
by
The Onion
on (#3K9S6)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when…Read more...
0 comments
Coroner’s Report Concludes Alton Sterling Died Of Institutionalized Causes
by
The Onion
on (#3K9FE)
Read more...
0 comments
Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents
by
The Onion
on (#3K99X)
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data,…Read more...
0 comments
Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor
by
The Onion
on (#3K94H)
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the country’s populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. “This will aid the U.S. Census Bureau in…Read more...
0 comments
Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives
by
The Onion
on (#3K8YE)
WASHINGTON—Cheering, yelling, and generally running rampant through the nation’s capital, a group of teens were reportedly spending a wild spring break in Washington, D.C. Tuesday begging lawmakers for their lives. “These kids are all over the place, showing no restraint whatsoever while pleading with their…Read more...
0 comments
Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State
by
The Onion
on (#3K8QR)
President Trump’s controversial firing of his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, partially due to disagreements over foreign policy, has put the spotlight on the role of the head of the U.S. State Department. The Onion looks back at some of the most influential U.S. secretaries of state.Read more...
0 comments
City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign
by
The Onion
on (#3K8GK)
BALTIMORE—In an effort to boost economic growth by encouraging recent college graduates to move to their city, Baltimore officials unveiled Tuesday a new advertising campaign targeting young professionals that centers on the tagline, “You get used to it.” “Most newcomers to Baltimore discover that, after a while, they…Read more...
0 comments
Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide
by
The Onion
on (#3K8GM)
Well, well, well. Look who decided to come out of their safe space to oppress another honest American. What’s wrong, have I somehow “offended” you? Am I in “trouble?” Well, tough shit, buddy. ’Cause I’ll come right out and say it: Nothing will ever stop me from speaking my mind. Who the hell do you think you are,…Read more...
0 comments
Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You
by
The Onion
on (#3K8CY)
WOODS HOLE, MA—A report released Tuesday by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution revealed that only 10 individuals will fall victim to fatal shark attacks in 2018; however, you will be one of the victims. “Taken as a whole, the number of people killed by sharks annually has remained fairly low, which is great news…Read more...
0 comments
White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops
by
The Onion
on (#3K82Y)
An order issued Friday by President Trump bars transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces, setting the stage for a lengthy legal battle and eventual Supreme Court decision. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence
by
The Onion
on (#3K6C5)
Roughly two million Americans joined the March For Our Lives this weekend to protest gun violence in the U.S., with 800,000 attending in Washington, D.C. alone. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting
by
The Onion
on (#3K68C)
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…Read more...
0 comments
We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias
by
The Onion
on (#3K63W)
Read more...
0 comments
NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths
by
The Onion
on (#3K63X)
FAIRFAX, VA—In response to the March For Our Lives protest led by student activists who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, the National Rifle Association reportedly issued a statement Monday calling for more common-sense gun deaths. “Now, more than ever, what we need are more shooting deaths resulting…Read more...
0 comments
NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience
by
The Onion
on (#3K5W0)
FAIRFAX, VA—Reminding them to appreciate the lifetime of memories they will never forget, the National Rifle Association announced Monday that Parkland students should be grateful to guns for giving them such an unforgettable bonding experience. “These protesting students should be thankful to guns for an exciting…Read more...
0 comments
Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer
by
The Onion
on (#3K5M9)
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that if it were going to happen for him it probably would have by now, award-winning author Jonathan Safran Foer conceded Monday that perhaps it was time to grow up and let go of his “childish pipe dream” of becoming a good writer one day. “I’ve tried my hand at this writing thing for a couple…Read more...
0 comments
It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K5H0)
ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and…Read more...
0 comments
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 26, 2018
by
The Onion
on (#3K5H1)
Read more...
0 comments
Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K552)
AKRON, OH—After unexpectedly running into actor Jeff Garlin during a recent trip to Los Angeles, local man Richard Grover admitted to reporters Monday that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his career. “When I met the guy who plays Larry David’s agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I sort of felt like things…Read more...
0 comments
Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise
by
The Onion
on (#3K553)
A form of once-daily male birth control appears to be safe, leading to only slight weight gain in men, although researchers say further testing is needed on side effects and effectiveness. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat
by
The Onion
on (#3K554)
WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human…Read more...
0 comments
Apple Recalls Thousands Of Earbuds That Unexpectedly Bloomed
by
The Onion
on (#3JZDJ)
Read more...
0 comments
Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend
by
The Onion
on (#3JZDK)
Despite threats of legal action from the White House, adult film actress and director Stormy Daniels will appear in an interview with Anderson Cooper this Sunday to discuss her relationship with President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail
by
The Onion
on (#3JZ0D)
YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Hailing it as an exciting new way to experience the park in all its glory, Yosemite National Park announced Friday that it had completed construction of a new six-lane scenic driving trail. “We’re proud to announce the opening of our new six-lane Sierra Heritage Supertrail, which will traverse…Read more...
0 comments
Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JYFH)
LAKE FOREST, IL—Exhilarated by the atmosphere of sheer madcap anarchy created by the subtle variations in their visual acuity, a group of friends trying on each others’ glasses Friday reveled in the glorious mayhem of their somewhat different prescriptions. “Whoa! Everything is super blurry!” said Katherine Grant, 27,…Read more...
0 comments
Sound Off
by
The Onion
on (#3JYCW)
Read more...
0 comments
Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image
by
The Onion
on (#3JYCX)
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding…Read more...
0 comments
Is It Time For The NCAA To Start Paying The Coaches?
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3JYCY)
Read more...
0 comments
U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
by
The Onion
on (#3JYCZ)
ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy to be pursued unto death, the Pentagon declared Thursday that it would consolidate all the nation’s wars, from now until the end of days, into one final, epic battle.Read more...
0 comments
NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135
by
The Onion
on (#3JYA2)
Researchers are developing a hypothetical spacecraft to collide with an asteroid that would otherwise strike Earth on Sept. 25, 2135, while stressing that the 1-in-2,700 chance of this happening is very slight. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JYA3)
O’FALLON, MO—Struggling with the right way to inform colleagues of the decision, local sales representative Hugh Wenzel was reportedly unsure Friday how to break the news that he was leaving the Ripple Group to his coworkers who didn’t really care whether he lives or dies. “I could send them each an email explaining…Read more...
0 comments
Coffee Shop Customer Asks If Guy At Next Table Would Mind Watching While He Goes To Bathroom
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3JY7D)
Read more...
0 comments
Will Missing The NCAA Tournament Affect Sister Jean’s Draft Stock?
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3JWTC)
Read more...
0 comments
Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid
by
The Onion
on (#3JWTD)
AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this:…Read more...
0 comments
WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement
by
The Onion
on (#3JWPH)
Adding an influential voice to the social media boycott, WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton said that he would join the movement that arose out of the website’s Cambridge Analytics scandal and delete his Facebook account. What do you think?Read more...
0 comments
NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards
by
The Onion
on (#3JWDC)
BALTIMORE—In response to a number of disturbing incidents occurring in the area, civil rights organization NAACP issued a travel advisory Thursday warning black Americans to exercise extreme caution when visiting their own backyards. “We urge African Americans to be very careful and vigilant when venturing out onto…Read more...
0 comments
...289290291292293294295296297298...