The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-05-12 12:48 |
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by By Kyle Bailey on (#3P4NT)
As I look around this kitchen, I see people paralyzed by a daunting situation. What began as the promise of a nourishing dinner has gone hopelessly awry, but we must be resilient and rise to the challenge before us. The moment has come. We cannot shirk our duty any longer. The time is upon us, my friends, to clean up…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3P4JW)
Men’s fashion magazine GQ has incurred the wrath of Christians by including the Bible in an article titled “21 Books You Don’t Have To Read,†which also featured such classics as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Lord of the Rings. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3P2NS)
INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3P2GV)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by The Onion to The on (#3P2W9)
Over the weekend, Michelle Wolf sparked outrage for her audacious speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which brutally roasted several prominent members of the Trump administration. Now, the White House is responding to the situation in a major way: In light of her controversial remarks, three of the nine…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3P2EF)
Larry Harvey, the guru-like cofounder of Burning Man, has died at the age of 70, leaving behind an anti-establishment legacy embodied in the festival’s spirit. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3P2C1)
CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3P26N)
PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that it is one of the most visible symptoms of serious malnutrition, dietary scientists at Stanford University revealed Monday that humans who consume a proper diet should not be defecating. “In humans who correctly manage their dietary intake, 100 percent of food consumed is absorbed by the…Read more...
Tom Brokaw Touched So Many Women Would Go Out Of Their Way To Defend Filthy Old Pervert Like Himself
by The Onion on (#3P23Q)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3P20H)
NEKOOSA, WI—Confessing that he just couldn’t get enough of the trombone-playing musician, local polka fan Tim Hahn told reporters Monday that he had been on a real Harold Loeffelmacher kick as of late. “I’ll admit it: I’ve been going straight-out nuts for Loeffelmacher recently,†said Hahn, noting that his “Loeff…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3P20J)
COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3P1XV)
Amazon announced a new service that gives its couriers access to a person’s vehicle to leave package deliveries by using the connected technologies embedded in many modern vehicles. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3P1V8)
MIAMI—Unleashing a furious tirade after finding the roof retracted for the third time this month, Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly admonished his players Monday for leaving the dome open with the stadium’s air conditioning running. “Come on, guys, this is just wasteful. I’ve told you a hundred times, either leave…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3P1V9)
DENVER—Watching with a mixture of bewilderment and pity as a small group of solitary travelers quietly boarded his plane at 11:15 p.m., United Airlines pilot Terry Elston shuddered Monday while attempting to imagine why his passengers could be taking a red-eye to Atlantic City. “Good lord, I don’t even want to know…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3P1XW)
A senseless tragedy has just occurred that’s going to leave you heartbroken: Goose has died in Top Gun.
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3P1KC)
COLUMBUS, OH—Observing clear signs of both pre-established friendships and more advanced ceramic-ware knowledge, area woman Shailene McFadden realized Friday that the rest of her pottery class was already acquainted with one another from at least one previous pottery class. “As soon as I walked in, I noticed that most…Read more...
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3NWN9)
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by The Onion on (#3NW03)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Discussing specifics of the investigation for the first time, Sacramento law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that after searching for over 40 years, they were able to pinpoint the “Golden State Killer†by tracing the owner of the “IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com†website. “We caught a hot lead…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3NVYB)
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by The Onion on (#3NVTP)
LONDON—Saying the moniker was the perfect way to honor the caliph of the Islamic State, Prince William and Kate Middleton, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, announced Friday that the name of their third child was Louis Arthur al-Baghdadi. “We’ve always loved the name and felt that this was a beautiful way to pay…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NVPH)
PYONGYANG—Following a swift capture, arrest, and trial before an official tribunal, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was thrown into a remote labor camp for attempting to cross the border into South Korea, authorities from the totalitarian nation confirmed Friday. “Kim Jong-un is an enemy of the state and has…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NVM0)
Bill Cosby has been convicted of drugging and sexually assaulting a former Temple University employee, with the 80-year-old receiving three 10-year charges for the incident. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3NVEV)
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by The Onion on (#3NVBN)
SEATTLE—In partnership with local governments across the globe, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced Friday a new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all third-world Mac users by 2040. “Impoverished nations have for too long suffered the devastation wrought by Mac users, but we believe that with proper…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by The Onion to The on (#3NVYC)
Fortnite has quickly become one of the most successful games of the past year, but Epic Games’ latest move proves that the company is also committed to providing an incredibly responsible gaming experience: Fortnite’s newest update includes memorial-service cutscenes after every kill so players can learn to value…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by The Onion to The on (#3NVHF)
When police arrested a man they believed to be the Golden State Killer yesterday, the world celebrated as one of history’s most brutal and notorious serial killers was finally captured more than 40 years after his reign of terror began. However, it sadly looks like justice will have to wait for another day: the police…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NV38)
HADES—With no boatmen to take them across the dark stygian waters to the dry, sunless lands of the dead, millions of newly deceased souls were reportedly backed up on the banks of the River Styx during a transit strike by the Underworld Ferry Workers Union, sources confirmed Friday. “Yeah, I get it—Charon, Phlegyas,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3NTQX)
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by The Onion on (#3NTJC)
Ride-sharing company Lyft has pledged to fight climate change by investing millions to fund projects offsetting the carbon produced by their drivers. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3NSHS)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3NSDZ)
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by The Onion on (#3NRTV)
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by The Onion on (#3NRNQ)
A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the protections of DACA must stay in place and that the government must resume accepting new applications, stressing that Trump’s decision to end the program was “virtually unexplained.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NRG3)
NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread†made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NRCR)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3NR9V)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3NRCT)
LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3NR4J)
With 18 previous movies and countless characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s no wonder fans are worried about feeling lost during the newly released Avengers: Infinity War—and there’s no way you’ll understand the movie unless you’re all caught up on the full background nuances of Jesus Christ’s gospel of…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3NQZS)
CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NQWC)
BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NQWE)
BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3NQWF)
On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3NP8S)
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