The Onion

FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Predicting that attire will almost certainly become one of the hottest style trends of 2019, attendees of New York fashion week confirmed Thursday that this year’s major theme has been clothes. “No matter where you look this fashion week, from Gabriela Hearst to Calvin Klein, every runway—without fail—has…Read more...

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TEMPE, AZ—Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Tearfully confessing that the release of Fear: Trump In The White House had left him totally and completely blindsided, renowned journalist Carl Bernstein could be seen weeping uncontrollably Wednesday after learning Bob Woodward had written a president book without him. “Reporting on corruption at the…Read more...

Nike announced that it will make Colin Kaepernick, who sparked controversy by kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice, the face of its most recent “Just Do It” ad campaign. What do you think?Read more...

ANAHEIM, CA—Kicking himself for not considering the potential consequences of his hasty career decision, Shohei Ohtani told reporters Wednesday that he regrets not researching which teams were good prior to signing with the Los Angeles Angels. “Man, looking back, I definitely should have done a quick Google search for…Read more...

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THE PACIFIC OCEAN—Pausing to briefly reflect on their immense good fortune between long sessions of nude sunbathing and plucking perfectly ripe tropical fruit from the rare vegetation surrounding them, the world’s cartographers reportedly continued living their secret lives of luxury this week on the idyllic,…Read more...

Twitch is the leading site for livestreaming video games, with over 15 million active daily users. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Twitch.Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Proving herself to be high maintenance and untrustworthy, two-faced house guest Anna Smithayer, who reportedly insisted that she didn’t need anything Wednesday, suddenly wanted a glass of water. “Who the fuck goes back on their word like that? One minute she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m all set,’ and the next she’s…Read more...

Noting declining demand for such softcore options, HBO announced that it would remove erotic adult movies and TV shows such as Cat House and Real Sex from its channels and streaming services. What do you think?Read more...

Nike has been under fire since revealing its new ad campaign featuring controversial former NFL player Colin Kaepernick on Monday, and it looks like the situation just got worse for the company: Colin Kaepernick is joining the Nike boycott after learning it doesn’t make top hats.Read more...

According to a Washington Post–ABC News poll, roughly 60 percent of Americans disapprove of President Trump’s performance, while 63 percent support Robert Mueller and 50 percent favor initiating impeachment proceedings. What do you think?Read more...

Well, this is exactly the kind of disaster situation that PR teams have nightmares about: Nike is getting absolutely blasted after it released an ad featuring a photo of Colin Kaepernick that was way too close up.Read more...

CHICAGO—Speculating that the novella must be relying on “symbolism or something,” the nation’s preeminent literary theorists admitted Tuesday that they still have no clue what George Orwell’s 1945 work Animal Farm is about. “The encroaching influence of technology? Industrialized farming? The unpredictable effects of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Adjusting the white bonnet and settling into his chair before the start of his confirmation hearing Tuesday, embarrassed Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly couldn’t believe both he and protestors had chosen to wear handmaid costumes on the same day. “I was feeling so confident in my blood-red…Read more...

NEW YORK—Grateful he was able to avoid what surely would have been a humiliating defeat, New Yorker editor David Remnick quietly expressed relief Tuesday that he wouldn’t have to lose a debate to Steve Bannon next month in front of everyone attending his magazine’s fall festival. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there,”…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue,…Read more...

I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all, never giving much thought to where my food actually came from. But something happened to me recently that changed all of that. I witnessed something so incredible, so profound, that I can truly say my…Read more...

STOCKTON, CA—Displaying great courage in the face of looming catastrophe, electrician Tyler Pendleton narrowly averted the complete collapse of society Tuesday by honking his horn at a car that had paused briefly at a green light. “Jesus Christ, you dipshit!” Pendleton said as part of his selfless defense of our…Read more...

A California man was charged with threatening to kill employees of The Boston Globe, whom he called “the enemy of the people.” What do you think?Read more...

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URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the…Read more...

AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations” to the state.…Read more...

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BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from…Read more...

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MILWAUKEE—Saying the newly unearthed materials would help shed light on the serial killer’s extensive oeuvre, the Jeffrey Dahmer estate held a press conference Friday during which it announced plans to exhibit victim remains never before seen by the general public.Read more...

CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.” “I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve…Read more...

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RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just…Read more...

DENVER—Noting that absolute devotion was the key to seducing a potential partner, relationship experts recommended Friday that it’s best to tell a woman that you would die for her at the outset of a first date. “Time and time again, we’ve found that the best way for a man to win the heart of a lady is to immediately…Read more...

As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.Read more...

OAK PARK, IL—Noting that the musicians had left their straight-line formation and stopped very cleanly, sources confirmed Friday that the Fenwick High School marching band was definitely in the shape of something. “I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be, like, a flag or trapezoid, or maybe another type of square-looking…Read more...

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CRESCENT CITY, CA—In an admission that highlights the internal complexities of the prison worker strike spreading across the nation, Pelican Bay supermax prison warden Earl Daniels has divulged that he is struggling to find methods of punishment worse than the inmates’ current living conditions. “There’s no question…Read more...

For the fourth consecutive year, federal health officials said that new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis spiked in 2017, rising by nearly 10 percent due to changing sexual habits and a lack of public awareness. What do you think?Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…Read more...

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CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…Read more...

After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?Read more...

CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…Read more...

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